Chrissy

Ren, first, good luck with the interview tomorrow! On the question about your bf's mother, it sounds like you'be already tried to get her to respect you by using your correct name and gender, so it seems like the entire question is about leaving? Perhaps she is someone who would respond positively to a more assertive demand by you (although she just doesn't sound very nice in general from everything you say). My only suggestion, and you'be probably thought of this, is to make sure you are ready for the worst (getting kicked out). Only you can be sure that you are ready, emotionally and logistically (having a secure place to go). Wish I had more to offer - but obviously I wish you the best no matter what you decide to do! And you should never hesitate to ask questions here, we all have times when we can give more and times when we need support :-) Xoxo Christie

Oh the bottle is packed away, in a box with a bunch of neckties

Hi everyone, Well, i'm now "out" to everyone. An email went out to the entire faculty and staff at the school where I work about my transition. Enough people already knew, so I was getting used to being called Christie, in emails and face to face (though introducing myself as such still feels a little weird). My recent outward transitioning was driven by internal feelings, but now I think it's time to look inward again. The outward things were necessary, but it drew me away from looking inside. Fortunately I have the next week off from work, so I have some time to absorb and process things. that includes HRT. I'm now in a position that if I decide it's time, I can do it. I'm not saying there's a rush to decide, but now I have new "information" to process. I'be spoken with an endocrinologist about it, which made the idea more concrete (and made me happy), and I think my therapist is prepared to write a letter for me if I say i'm ready (I think she has a preference to talk a little more about a couple of things, and I agree, but I think she would write it if I asked). Well, time to get to it! Right after a nap (I was up too early today) Xoxo Christie

Eve, I certainly can't say that I was never happy as a man, but there was so much more unhappiness, and a general feeling of something being not right (in some of my more depressed states I consciously thought "why can't I just be normal?" or something like that). And I've definitely been happier since "coming out" and starting to transition. The "malaise" that had followed me through almost my entire life lifted almost immediately and has stayed away. I don't say that I'll never be depressed again, but it seems like it won't be as all-encompassing as it was. xoxo Christie

I went to see an endocrinologist on Friday after work. A somewhat long journey out to Queens, but worth the trip. After seeing 2 different assistants (one who was getting some additional background information, the other did some basic checking - blood pressure, heart rate, etc.), I finally saw the doctor. I hadn't fully decided on whether or not I was going to pursue HRT when I went to see him, I wanted to see how I reacted to having an actual doctor give me information, as opposed to just doing my own research, I thought that would make it more concrete, more real. Well, it did. And I have to say that my mood kept getting better and better as he went on, and by the time I left his office I was feeling quite happy (when I tried to identify how I felt it took a few adjectives before I finally hit on "happy," it's not a feeling that I've experienced that much in my life, not at this level anyway). At one point he explained that once I'm on hormones long enough I would start to be treated by doctors more as a woman - mammograms, etc. At that point I asked if it was normal that even that made me feel happy? Anyway, the decision still isn't made, but it feels much closer. I have to work through the remaining fears a bit more, to make sure they're not significant enough to stand in the way. xoxo Christie

Happy Friday everyone! Later this afternoon I have my appointment with an endocrinologist to discuss HRT. It's very much a preliminary discussion, I just want to hear from a doctor what's involved (hopefully it won't be much different than what I've discovered through my own research and reading people's entries here, but hearing it from a doctor makes it more "real"). I was originally scheduled for tomorrow morning but they called yesterday to see if I could come in today instead, which is great since they're in Queens (trekking from Jersey City to Queens on Saturday morning would have been quite a drag). I assume the doctor will cover what needs to be covered, but my therapist did suggest thinking about what questions I have for them, rather than trying to think about that during the appointment. So I've done that, but if anyone has suggestions about questions, suggest away . The endocrinologist was a reference from my regular doctor, and I saw his name on a TG website, so I know he's familiar with MtF HRT. That should be a good lead-in to my "contemplation" (ongoing) this weekend. What also helps is that I'm getting used to actually being called Christie :-) I underestimated how weird that would be, but it makes sense that after 48 years of being called one thing to suddenly be called something else would take some adjustment. But it is getting more comfortable. The last step in terms of the name transition at work will be early next week when an email goes to the entire faculty and staff letting them know - we're discussing today how that will happen. xoxo Christie

Warren, So glad that you're feeling better! Hopefully your therapist will FINALLY come through with the file for you. I look forward to watching your video (shortly). And enjoy your pizza tonight! xoxo Christie

Oh I realize that neither the wig nor the fake breasts are inherently "costume" items, that's just how it felt to me when I wearing them. Once I have something that physically identifies me (at least to myself) as a woman I'm sure I'll be fine with both of them.

Good morning everyone, On Friday I mentioned that I had a goal over the weekend to go out "presenting as a woman" (as opposed to just appearing far more feminine than I used to). I wasn't 100% certain what that meant when I said it, but on Sunday I did follow through. I was fortunate that the drag queen who I always go see on Tuesday was doing a special Sunday Brunch show at noon, so I used that as my location. Much of what I did was pretty typical for what I do already. I wore my gray "Blossom Where You're Planted" top, khaki shorts, and multi-color shoes (too many colors to list). Did my usual make-up routing - eye brows, eye liner, mascara, blush and lipstick. What I did in addition to that was to wear my fake breasts and butt pads. I don't know how well it really worked, but I don't know how I would have known that anyway unless someone actually said something to me about it - the fact that nobody did suggests that I didn't do that well. But that's not the big "take-away" for me. The big thing for me was how much it felt like a costume. Not all of it, really just the fake breasts (the butt pads probably could have too, but I tend to forget I have them on). It made me realize even more how much I want this to be real, and not a costume. I could see the breasts (at least the shape of them), but they weren't real, I didn't feel them. Interestingly, I liked the feel of the bra strap on my back, that felt like it belongs there. I think that's also why I'm hoping that the finasteride prescription will fill in my hair more so that I don't have to wear a wig. But perhaps once I'm further along (HRT kicking in), I won't mind the one "costume" item. Today is probably the day that an email goes out to the 2 student groups I work with - so "Christie" will be a full reality at work (though most of the students already know due to some leakage of information). And Saturday I have my endocrinologist appointment - so this should be a big week xoxo Christie

Warren, I'm so sorry about everything you're going through. I don't have much to add beyond what Karen said (and I completely agree with her), except that perhaps there is another therapist you could talk to besides the one who directed you to the suicide hotline? Christie

Happy Friday ladies and gentlemen and all points between and around! Well this was quite the week. I knew that changing to my female name at work would be "big," but I didn't fully anticipate the anxiety, exhilaration, excitement, fear (and several other emotional states that I may never have experienced before) that would come with it. It really was a very unusual week as people started referring to me as Christie, and using female pronouns. The word spread faster than was planned (thanks to my 2 supervisors accidentally using Christie in emails that went to students), but that's ok, it just caused a few moments of confusion for me when I tried to figure out if I should just start using it with them too, or just not "sign" my emails (I went for that - the email that's going to be sent is from the Dean, I don't want to look like I was getting out in front of him, even though this is obviously about me). My goals this weekend (I like putting these in writing to someone, helps keep me from just not doing it): (1) Another period of "quiet contemplation" - my stepping-off point for this is going to be to list and then explore what I'm afraid of (certainly I've done that before, but it's a good question to go back to). before and after that I'll also ask myself the question that Karen suggested - "Do I have any hesitation?" (2) On Sunday my favorite drag queen (who does the Tuesday night show that I go to, and have occasionally performed at) is doing a brunch show. I'm using that as my opportunity to try going out presenting fully as a woman. I want to see how close I can get to that from where I am now. It's really I think just a more serious version of what I used to do when I was "cross-dressing." I'll try to get some pics! (desperately, I want to see myself in pics) I hope everyone has a great weekend! xoxo Christie

I'm definitely presenting more female, but I think my current look might register as a woman at first glance, but up close you'd know that I'm a female-looking male as opposed to looking like an actual woman

I'm an old-fashioned feminist, so I'd go with "Ms" (I also accept the French mademoiselle - "Mlle") This was also a good reminder about taking my time. I still forget how much anxiety can accompany a step, especially a fairly big step. In those moments it's best to just live with that step for a bit and not push too much. Having said that, on Sunday my favorite drag queen is doing a special brunch show, so I've decided to use that as an opportunity to see how effectively I can present as a woman (I'm trying to resist the term "passable" now, and instead focus just on presenting as a woman). I was making myself very nervous about that concept in part because I was thinking about it in terms of doing it at work, then I realized that I don't have to start it at work (and my therapist said that she would actually strongly advise against starting it at work!). So I'll try that on Sunday - what it means right now is using my smaller breast pads (the larger ones are too "drag"), butt pads, and some additional make-up (including foundation to cover any shadow). I have to go into it understanding that it might not be 100% convincing, but that's ok, it's a step. As my friend said when I was getting ready to do my solo show, "you have to willing to out and risk being stupid" (or words to that effect).

Good afternoon everyone! I mentioned in a post last week that I had started using Christie at work, in addition to everywhere else in my life. This week, with the approval of the Dean and Associate Dean, I asked our IT Dept. to change my email address, which they did without question and quite quickly (within an hour of my request - and they NEVER do anything that fast). An email is being put together to send to the students I work directly with, and then another for the full school which won't mention me directly. But all of them are becoming rapidly moot as people see my name on the email address - a number of students have already started calling me Christie in email to me. I was getting a little anxious and hoping that they would finalize the emails quickly, but now I'm just accepting that word is spreading anyway, so the email can go when it goes. More important though is an email I rec'd from an outsider who was directed to me by one of our faculty members - I could see in the earlier emails between them that our faculty member referred to me as "she," and so when that person wrote to me I realized she is the first person to communicate with me who never knew me other than as Christie xoxo Christie

The dialog (in my still brief experience with her) is very similar to any other therapist, I think it's more about her experience, that she knows more about the process, problems, benefits, etc. of transitioning both from her own research and work with other clients. It's not that a "regular" therapist can't work with a transgender person in transition, but they might not know some things that are helpful (the effect of hormones, etc.)

This past week was the first in which I was almost entirely going by Christie, and I noticed last night that my friend (who works at the comedy club where I volunteer) accidentally called me by my former name and I initially didn't react. It was only because it was his voice and clearly aimed in my direction (I wasn't looking at him at the moment) that got my attention. I'm already seeing that using my former name (which I still have to in a few circumstances) feels almost foreign to me.

Eve, Well, for what it's worth, I have some recent experience with a "regular" therapist vs a gender therapist. Both are very good, but my current therapist, the gender therapist, has worked with many transgender clients (patients?), and I find that very reassuring in terms of working with her. I'm not sure there's much difference beyond that, others might have that experience. I think it's just a matter of specialization. Christie

Along those lines last night, while still in my own head, I recognized the really big fear was about finding a job if I needed to. I worried that, especially if I didn't believe I was passable, that I might not be able to find one. But then I thought about that fear vs. the idea of just giving this up. My inner response to that wasn't even to consider them against each other, it was simply that I can't do that. I can't go back, if I do that I'm just not living my life.

A month or so ago (hard to keep track of the passage of time these days) I found myself becoming addicted to "Ghost Whisperer." I had seen bits of the show in passing in the past but it never caught my attention until now. For those who don't know, it was a show from - well, sometime - with Jennifer Love Hewitt in which she could see ghosts of people who hadn't been able to "cross over." She helps them resolve whatever it is that is keeping them "Earth-bound." And regardless how neat and sappy the episode is, it never fails to get me to cry at the ending as the ghost "sees the light." I've never been a particular believer in the idea that everything happens for a reason, but I'm a strong believer in the ongoing work of the subconscious. I believe that it's always vigilant and ready to tell you "you need this, you're ready for this." I believe that's why my sudden addiction to this show. My parents passed away about 10 years ago, within about 3 months of each other, and both too young (my mother was 67, my father had just turned 69). My life, which had been unraveling in slow and not-so-slow motion up until then, went into a full-on tail spin not long after that. I don't want to go into those details, and I know there are many, many people who have had far worse experiences, but I'll suffice it to say here that my experiences were not run-of-the-mill problems. I also spent a lot of that time blaming my parents, and not necessarily without cause. They made a decision when we were born (I have an older brother and sister) that they didn't want to do what their parents did, which was to push them towards or away from particular careers, basically pushing them in the direction they thought they should go. But in doing so, my parents (I believe) went way too far in the other direction, failing to provide any sense of direction or encouragement to us. As a result I failed to develop follow-through and beyond that a belief in myself and that I could accomplish things. Anyway, last night while I was doing my volunteer gig at a comedy theater there was a show going on that wasn't catching my interest, so I found myself going into my own head. Perhaps a comedian had made a parent reference, but something got me to thinking about them. And I realized (and this is where "Ghost Whisperer" comes into play) that I needed to forgive them, because until I did I wasn't going to be able to move on, at least as effectively as I can. And so I did. Right, wrong, or otherwise I blamed them, and by doing that I was keeping myself focused on what they did wrong and the impact it had on me, rather than taking charge of my own life. I think I got into "Ghost Whisperer" because my subconscious saw the show's structure and realized that I needed that, and I was ready for it. It also might have some up because I was wearing my mother's high school ring. And especially right now I need that, because I've started a journey here that requires (REQUIRES) me to believe in myself. I find that when I feel any sense of "doubt" lately it's really fear, it's the fear that I will never be "passable," that people will always see a "man." So there you have it. My review of "Ghost Whisperer" xoxo Christie (P.S., for further evidence of my belief that it was time, "Christie" was my birth middle name, and it was my mother's maiden name)

So 3 updates as another week comes to an end... I met yesterday with our Dean and Associate Dean - it was a very positive, encouraging meeting. They proposed how to handle communicating my transition to my new name (and transition generally) to a broader audience (the students I work with directly, and then a general communication to the entire school which wouldn't identify me directly but would discuss the school's policies, etc. re transgender faculty/staff/students). They also made it clear that updating my email address wouldn't be an issue (officially there is a policy that it has to incorporate you legal first name). I also found out that our dean was one of the original drafters of the NYC administrative policy regarding TG employees (he was formerly chief counsel to Mayor Bloomberg). So he's kind of familiar with these matters! The Stonewall Girls meetup was last night, and this time I decided to go "as is." I usually would go home and get more en femme (wig, skirt, etc.), but now that feels too much like wearing a costume. It is an attempt to present as a woman, but not necessarily as me. It ended up being beneficial because it gave me a better sense of where exactly I am in terms of presentation. In the rest of the world the noticeable thing is that I'm doing feminine things with my look, but in a TG/CD group it's more noticeable that I still look partly like a guy. (It was described by one person there as "in between"). So I can use those meetups (every Thursday) as one way to gauge my progress, simply by committing to going "as me." Finally, and MOST important - my hair worked today I curled it this morning so that it would curl in towards the bottom, usually the wind blow is it out on my way in to work, but today it held!

Eve, There is a group that meets every Thursday night at the Stonewall Bar. It's for trans people, cross-dressers, etc. It's a great group, but it is purely social so there isn't much deep discussion. xoxo Christie

The description of the group does make it clear that it's a support group, so I do think this was probably an exception. They still could have limited that part of the discussion, there was a lot of repetition. My job search was mostly based on money, but that's gotten a little better recently thanks to a mortgage refinancing. (Of course electrolysis is taking up most of that saving)

I went to a TG support group at the LGBT Center here in Manhattan last night. They meet the first Wednesday of each month (there are 2 groups, 1 for transwomen and 1 for transmen). I'm hoping that the way it went last night is not typical of the group. We (actually "they," I was pretty quiet) spent the entire 90 minutes talking about Caitlyn Jenner. I'm hoping it's just because it was such a big story, and that the group isn't just a current events discussion group. I was really hoping for an actual "support" group after all. I'll definitely go again next month, and in the meantime there was 1 person there who I already knew (from the Thursday night Stonewall group), so I might get together with her sometime and can find out more about the group (she's been going for about a year). On another front - I'm meeting today with the Dean and Associate Dean of the school where I work, they wanted to meet to talk about how they can help with my transition. I obviously have nothing to compare to, but I feel really great about the support that I've been getting here! It almost makes me feel bad that I was looking for a new job .

I completely agree! I've heard too many people saying she's not a hero - heroism comes in many forms.

I haven't been following trans-activists long enough to comment about them and transmen, but I do know that media representations have been overwhelmingly of transwomen. That may be in part because the transition is generally more visible? (going from man to woman vs. woman to man) The idea of "tomboys" has been around and partly/largely accepted for so long that it makes FtM transitioning seem less extreme. Just a thought, and that doesn't justify anything!