ScottishDeeDee

Well I did it. I was offered a paid sabbatical from work to transition for the sake of my mental health and I took it. I had finally reached the point of knowing that if I stayed where I was much longer I may never make it. I was worried that it was just a way for them to shunt me out quietly as there was no guarantee of a position afterwards, which turned out to be a valid concern - but it was 100% worth it. The Pros: I am now living full time as myself - and it is awesome! Name, Passport, Drivers licence, education certificates, bank, rental agreements, NHS number, utility bills - you name it they are all in my name - the only thing I cant change is my pension paperwork because I need a gender recognition certificate, and I am saving up the paperwork evidence to get that next summer. Then I can sort out that and my pension. Smiling is easier, laughing is now natural, the friends I have kept and the people I have met are fantastic. No more stressing over whether or not the door will ring or if someone will see me, I can put the recycling out, pop to the shops, go for coffee, walk the dog and just exist without worrying about how I look, or what I say. I took a chance last year to dip into the online dating pool, the Pan label fit best and so I wasn't sure who I wanted to date, but have found myself falling head over heels for someone. I opened up a new FB account and migrated only those who I knew were allies or would be fine and can share pictures and conversations and all the things I was so careful not to do before. The Cons: I am unemployed and looking for work - getting rejected for the vocation I have trained and qualified for with, "thanks but we are going with someone we feel is more compatible" hurts. Made worse by jumping through hoops to get Job Seekers Allowance and have to prove how destitute I am, also being advised to ignore the degree I worked for years for and just apply for entry level jobs like I did when I left school feels like a kick in the teeth. Switching health boards did not go smoothly, I was transferred to the wrong clinic, which took 6 months to find out, then, when they sent me to the right clinic I was told it will be 3 years before someone can see me. So my electrolysis, my prescription wigs have all stopped - thankfully my E Patches are supplied via GP Prescription so that has carried on, but now if I move for work I will get stuck in the loop of going to the bottom of the transfer lists to be seen. At this rate I may never get to surgery. Shaving is still the bane of my existence. My kids haven't quite navigated the dad/mum/parent problem yet - we use parent to describe my relationship with them but it mentally trips them up, especially when the optician talks about "mum" when I am at appointments with them, but it isn't a huge deal. Whenever I go somewhere new I seem to find yet another thing where I have to out myself and it gets annoying. Every time I think I am done something else pops up and I have to explain that I transitioned and send my deed poll and passport as ID proof, only now instead of being scared I just get irritated at the bureaucracy of it all.. Life will always be a mixed bag, but living as me is so much better than living in fear. I used to dream about living full time as my real self, but seeing it from the other side I wish I had the courage to transition earlier. The stress is worth it, I have gained a level of peace I didn't realise I had never fully known. I am more confident in who I am. I know the people around me know and like me for who I am and not just what I can give them. I still have moments where I get down because I moved to an area where I did not know anyone, but it was worth it. When I am out and about no one cares, I have the same constant danger radar as every woman around me, but so far the worst thing I have experienced is some teens yelling out of a passing car - which also happened before I came out because, teens... I have also had complete strangers come up to me and compliment me on my hair, or traded compliments with someone about what we are wearing. This is me, it has always been me. It just took me a while to get comfortable with who I am.

Or absolutely delighted for those that need a translator.😆😁 I had my 3 month check up with my gender clinic, and while I don't get told what my levels are, unless there is a complication which needs to be explained the assumption is that the professionals will just deal with what needs to happen. My blood was taken, and the doctor agreed when I said I had put on over Christmas not to weigh me until my next appointment in March (phew!) and my patch dosage was increased up to the next level, which is exactly what I expected to happen. They will continue to increase it until I am on a similar doasage to a cis woman my age and then make changes based on what my body needs. I spent the dead time in the car park doing my nails and have been able to keep them done because everything I have needed to do today has been either online or over the phone and no one can see your nails closely. While that does make me happy, what has really made my day was my electrologist phoning me in a total tizzy because she has received a leeter from the Gender Identity Clinic telling her to proceed with my electrolysis and that they will ensure that there is cover for me up to 250 hours as needed, and anyone else who is supposed to be getting funded via the NHS should also be claimed for and not have to self fund. It only impacts our healthboard area, but it is such good news for myself and any other women who are using the service to have a written letter confirming that we will not have to go through the expense of trying to do it ourselves once we have linked in with them. There was a lot more to it, but I wrote about it all in my main blog (https://wordpress.com/view/ironicissues.wordpress.com). Whether it was just timing, or if mine was the straw that broke the camels back, I just don't know, but to go from 15 hours, to fully funded, and to know that my meeting has genuinely made what will be a huge positive difference to the lives and well being of other trans women just makes me so happy I was almost in tears. Here I am waiting to go in to my appointment, this year I am trying to be a little braver abouting just being myself as i get closer to fully transitioning socially. My stubble area is already so much lighter than it used to be, to the extent that I no longer need to use an orange colour corrector if I intend to wear make up, but honestly after my meeting I went to the chemist and to the local Burger King drive through and was correctly gendered both times. The pharmacist would obviously get it right as they have my prescription and was wearing my mask, but the drive through window does not require a mask and I was "ma'am'ed" for the first time after using the speaker to say I'd ordered online, and then again at the window when I collected the order. Just a fabulous day all round really! X

After popping down for another session of electrolysis, making it the 3rd week in a row, this time I was lying on the table for 5.5 hrs and did not leave the spa until twenty to one in the morning. I was up at 8am for parkrun so neither of us was getting much sleep. Before the visit I popped into the closest decent sized chemists and tried to get my estradiol prescription filled. The pharmacist passed a comment about my address and I said I spent most of my weekends down here so it was easier to get. I was due 3 boxes but he only had 2. (Depending on who you ask the inability of places to stock E patches was a direct result of brexit, but I thought it had been resolved) I signed up for a text alert and at some point in the next few weeks I will get a text to collect my last box. As soon as I got in I applied the first patch and did my best to fall asleep. I was obviously too tired and did something wrong as it was half off by morning so I straightened it out and covered it with a waterproof plaster which will tide me over until Tuesday when I will apply the next one. I dropped my sister home after parkrun and was in male mode for the first time in the last few weeks in front of her because I was going too collect the kids from their grannies. She started an interesting conversation with me about feeling awkward with me as Dee. I could tell she was trying to talk without upsetting me so I tried to help out, but she was asking about why I was so quiet and sensible, she likes her little brother and enjoys doing things with him, but she has found it hard to connect with me and is worried that my personality is going to change. We started talking about my name and she told me again how much she hates DeeDee and will never use it because it sounds too childish. I said when has she ever met someone and told them that she hates their name and refuses to use it? The only reason she is doing it is because it's me. I said I do understand it, becauser I ahve been thinking about it on and off for ages, for me seeing DEEDEE printed on the prescription box just looked really odd. I think Dee works as a nickname, but on it's own I do not like it as a formal name as it seems to be missing something I can't quite put my finger on. I had been thinking during my electrolysis of names that would naturally get shortened to Dee. I really like Deanna as a name, and my mums middle name is Denise, but the problem with being a transwoman with a feminised male name is that everyone would assume I was just called Dennis in my former life. I said there is a lot of pressure in getting a name that everyone calls you right because we are never put in that situation, every name we hear is coloured by people we meet and everyone has names they like and dont like. I could never call myself Daisy or Delilah or Deidre because to me they just dont sit right. All the proffessionals have been calling me DeeDee since I started using it and it has lots of positive connotations, but I know for a fact even without her saying she doesnt like it I have been pondering over my name for a while. She asked how they could say it with a straight face and I reminded her that for them whther I present male or female they are at work and use my preferred name and pronouns just like she would, the only reason she feels entitled not to is because she is my big sister. She acknowledged my point and said that she does like Deanna, she doesnt want me to lose my second middle name but dislikes my choice of Joy for a 1st middle name. I said that I don't really care if she likes it or not, no one tends to like their names and they only ever talk about middle names in the pub when people are guessing them, for me it's more about acknowledging my old initials and their place in family tradition while trying to find a new version that works for who I'm becoming. She said she couldn't imagine the pressure of picking a new name for herself. After much waffling I explained that my personality is still the same, but I had a lot of practice with the character she knew. It was easy to slip into and the only time I had to watch myself and be really controlled was usually when I was drinking, which is why alcohol tended to bring out my more misogynistic and stupid "bloke" jokes, especially when I was in my 20's. If people were laughing then they weren't looking. I mentioned that it isn't just me transitioning but all of my relationships need to change too, I have established habits and little routines that I have used for years and while that was fine for the brother/friend, not all of those will extend to Dee moving forwards. I said as Dee I am extremely self conscious, I am wearing clothes I have cobbled together from charity shops, from donatations from her and mum and I still don't have my own style, most of the time the only way to see if I like something is to wear it and see, I know my friends and family will stop me going out looking a total mess, but everyone is trying to dress me in their own style and I have to accept the help until I grow into my own. I said there is also the fear of being looked at as a man. I feel that pressure more with people who have known me longer and are used to me being bald, so when I turn up in a wig everyone knows, but when I am walking down the street I am thinking about my stride and how big my steps are as well as where my arms are going, I am trying to not stand slouching with my hands in my pockets because women (much to their chagrin) do not tend to have pockets and so it makes me stand out. I naturally tend to cross my legs rather than spread them out, but even standing in a queue women hold themselves differently to men. Quite apart from that as soon as I speak I am trying to manage my pitch, my resonance, my words, my voume and my patterns to fit in with the women around me. If I get any one of those things wrong people start to sense that somethintg is off and then look harder, and I do not want them to look harder. For example I know I start my voice too high, in a not quite falsetto that is obviously false, but it allows for the drop in pitch to make me sound more natural for a longer period of time, but those first few conversations are excruciating. I am a natural empath and I can feel the exact moment that someone's mood or attitude changes. It is a fantastic tool to have but makes me more hyper aware when I stand out, which is something I have spent my whole life trying not to do! I explained that it is the difference between a new driver and an experienced one. I have so much going on that I have to shut up and concentrate. I am looking and learning at the women around me and because I am not simply trying to be a mand pretending to be a woman I am translating all of those little things into what I need to do as Dee. She has had years to learn all of the unwritten social rules and ettiquette and style faux pas that people can avoid, but unless someone helps me out the only way I will know is by blundering into them. She pointed out the amount of pink I wear and said no one does that, it makes me look old. I have a pair of grey trainers with pink stripes and my pink rain jacket, on that day I wore them to walk a dog and meet my friends in the park. I explained that the jacket was a charity shop purchase because I needed a coat and didn't have one, and I still havent found one I like yet, and while I hate it being bright pink, because I prefer purple or light blue it does the job. The trainers are the only shoes I actually ever bought in my true size and are really comfortable. She was trying to offer constructive advice without sounding catty but then the conversation got a little weirder and now I am wondering if she is actually mourning her brother and trying to hold onto him rather than trying to help her sister. She asked why I did not buy from the mens department for Dee. I said she doesnt do it for herself, so why would I? I don't want to buy from the mens department, I want to buy from the womens department, she said that my body shape hasnt changed yet and there are lots of andorgynous clothes that she thinks would look really good on me. I said that until I get bigger thighs and a butt then the womens jeans are not going to fit as well, but I actually wear both mens and womens jeans interchageably now as unless they are fitted then no one can tell. As I go through this period of having to be seen as male part of the time and female the rest I know my style is going to change and alter and drift, I will move towards androgyny or be seen as camp because I cannot help but want to express more of my girly self. The important difference is that I do not give a monkey how my male self looks and never have. I don't want to look or come across as a well dressed or gay man because that is not who I am, I care about my appearance and presentation as Dee. She said that I have big winter coats that I wear that arent pink and I agreed but said there was a huge difference between the style of mens and womens coats - even puffer jackets tend to be longer for women or more shaped and tailored. She disagreed but I said that the coats I have are blatently mens coats and no one would ever think of them as womens coats. More to the point I am trying to move myself from being seen as a man to being seen as a woman, and you could have two identical teeshirts for sale and I would still want to buy the one with the womans label on it, because mentally that helps me feel happier inside. I dont think she understands this part of transitioning, she may know a transwoman, and she was the first person I told when I was questioning, and even now is taking emotional flack from my mum because of it, but I am different and this felt like she was trying to herd me back into the box she had me in. All of my other friends said that they had found me more relaxed and comfortable. I sat and drank tea with them, I chatted and played with their kids and we even went out for dinner in a busy family restaurant, they all loved interacting with me as Dee so I cannot believe my character changed that much at my sisters house that it was like I was someone different. She did stress that she still loves and supports me and was glad she was able to ask me, so it has probably been building up since I first turned up to her house, but it did make me a little defensive, I want to educate as I go because it will make my life easier if people understand what I am going through, but equally I cannot work through someone elses emotional issues for them... Families!

Ten hrs of electrolysis, unexpectedly getting my ears pierced. Buying the first binder for my NB child and feeling so happy when they told me that they feel comfortable talking to me about gender stuff, and then this afternoon I was given the ok to start HRT. My prescription will get sent to my house and then I can get it filled anywhere I like!!! Tonight after seeing a colleague tweet that they were an ally and a safe space on Nationalcomingoutday I sent them a wee message saying I was trans. I was never scared to tell her, but hopefully this will let her know that people do read posts like that and it can make a difference. Mentally and emotionally it is exhausting, even though I have adrenaline dumped in my system right now. I'm looking forward to this extra energy I am supposed to get lol. YAY!!!

So yesterday I travelled down the road for an appointment at the GIC to get my weght and bloods taken in preparation for an appointment this coming Monday when I will hopefully get the go ahead to start HRT. I had a friend and my son with me so they got to witness the process of me wearing my Dee clothes under a baggy hoody to leave the house and then finishing the transformation in a layby. I dropped my friend off near his house and my son and I chatted while we waited in the carpark for my appointment. I am trying to use my female voice as often as I can with anyone who knows me, but it just comes more naturally when I am actually dressed as DeeDee. It goes up and dow a bit in pitch but I think it is starting to improve and is sound less and less like a put on voice, though to me it is still obviously not natural. Last time I was here I was presenting male, I walked in, told the receptionist my name and sat in silence. With Covid I had to introduce myself to a nurse at the door who gave me the covid warnings, a mask and some sanitiser and she was super chatty, then because my appointment was running late I had two other random nurses strike up conversations with me and none of them looked at me funny. As the GIC clinic is attached to the sexual health clinic I suspect that these nurses are better trained but I actually found myself wondering if I was passing in these conversations! It was nice to be passing the time! when my nurse did come she had a rainbow name badge, and though we have spoken on the phone she re-introduced herself and said it was nice to meet me in person. She took my weight which at 6pm was 94.6kg or 208.5 pounds (it was 93.8kg (206.7 pounds) this morning) while I am still over weight I am delighted. I was 232 pounds (104.3kg) a few months ago and have been really working on my diet and exercise. I was told my blood pressure was one digit away from being perfect (whatever that means I take it as a good sign!) Then my height was 172cm (5 feet 7) No surprises there. I had a nice chat with her while all this was being done and spoke as DeeDee the whole time, she confirmed that my E will be sent to me as a community prescription so I can go anywhere to get it filled, so DeeDee can get her meds without having to wander around my small nosy town and be outed. My bloodwork is partly to ensure there are no hidden pre existing conditions, but also as a base marker so that when they take my bloods they can see if there are any changes that have been caused by the medication. It was an oddly satisfying appointment and I am getting quite excited now!

Sounds like you are doing some good exploratory work Emily! I worked my way through that book too and found it very affirming. I struggled a little in the beginning with prosthetics too, while I desire the effect I did not want to swap wearing one costume out in public for another. Same went for the fact that I wear a wig. In the end I settled on bra "fillets" as a compromise that did not make me feel ridiculous but would, with a padded bra give me pretty much the right effect without feeling self conscious. The wig is something I see as a cross between a fashion accessory, and a safety item. I blend better wearing it and unlike those with natural hair I can pick and choose my length and style based on my mood. Plenty of cis women need them too. Ultimately the goal should not be to confirm if you are trans or otherwise, it is to find that place where you feel most natural and comfortable as yourself. The fact that you can do that with a supportive spouse and friends makes a huge difference. 🧡☺️

There is no right or wrong way to transition. The whole process is simply a matter of us learning to accept ourselves and take the steps needed so that we are most at peace. It is part of what makes everybody's journeys so different. There will always be parrallels but none of us have the same starting place or finish point.

Hi Phoebe, the UK model is still outdated compared to the informed consent model used around most of Europe. The language and definitions have all changed but the routes and pathways haven't. On the NHS you still need a formal medical "diagnosis" before accessing a service. Otherwise the NHS simply would not provide for it. For them it is the best way to get past the rules lawyers, for us it is gatekeeping under a different name. I totally understand your pinocchio reference! When I had that realisation I was still scared to say it out loud, what has taken me a couple of years to realise (as my blog shows), is that I have been living the wrong story. I'm actually an ugly duckling looking for some help to turn me into a swan! 🧚‍♀️

😳 😊 Thanks Jess, the official letter will arrive in the post, but I expect to get a phone call in the next week or so I'll have my consent form all filled out long before then though lol.

I have just finished my 3rd video meeting with the psychologist in Sandyford clinic. This is the part that most smaller Gender Identity Clinics in Scotlaand have no say over and there have been 3 months between each apppointment. I have dressed as myself the entire time, but oh how times have changed! The first meeting I remember having a chair against the door in case my son got back from school while I was on the call, this time he is off school isolating and sitting watching TV and I was already dressed as myself today because I know I am not leaving the house this afternoon. Today was the first time in months that I felt like wearing makeup too and although eye liner is still a nightmare I have discovered an eyeliner pencil is easier for me to use with my saggy eyelids than using the wee paintbrush to do it. I was actually quite pleased with how everything turned out too. I have even been able to do my nails because I do not have to pretend to be a man again until the weekend! The first meeting with her was quite rocky and seemed almost confrontational, she asked my story and then kept interrupting and seemed fixated on my ex. The next time I decided to treat her the same way I speak to my counsellor and just update her with my life and goals and see where she wants to go back to, but I thought long and hard about whether I was willing to change my transition timeline to suit someone else and decided no, she could go swivel as I know what is best for my circumstances and no one else. The relationship between us instantly improved. Today I could say that other than my work things have been progressing well. The psychologist said it was really nice to see me so happy and smiling, and I said it's because when I am not having to be in man mode for work I can now be myself 100% of the time. All my family know, 99% of my friends know, and some work colleagues whom I trust know. The circle is almost at that tipping point of becoming public, and the only thing I am waiting for is finding an opening so I can transfer to an area that will accept and allow me to be myself. Due to a big structural reshuffle I could end up stuck where I am for the next year if I cannot find somewhere soon, but I am not going to rush into applying for somewhere that will not fit my temperament just to get away and then end up creating more problems than I solve.. All of that aside she has said that she is happy to conclude my first assessment. She will write up a confirmed diagnosis of gender dysphoria and transexualism (I dislike the term, but it is what she used and probably needs to write in my medical notes). She will recommend that I can now start hormone replacement therapy and that my local GIC will be in touch as soon as they receive the notes she will put on my record. I am so excited I could not stop smiling! She went through the overview of mental and physical changes again and talked a little about masturbation and libido - how I find it now, and how I feel about the possibility of losing my libido and ability to have kids. She also tried to make me feel a bit better because I said that while I recognise my self esteem is very low from my ex partners treatment of me, my job is already a kiss of death in most conversations, and adding being trans to that complication means I have pretty much resigned myself to being single for the rest of my life. She switched out of gender mode to pure psychology mode and told me that there may be plenty of people who are attracted to my authentic self and that my confidence may increase as my transition goes along. Certainly for me GRS is still my end goal, but I know I can request breast augmentation surgery and be covered by this assessment. When I want downstairs surgery I will need a second assessment and possibly have to meet with a totally separate psychologist too, and that is when I will have had to be living authentically for a year before anyone signs off on it. I do not envisage that being an issue. I am just so excited! I cannot wait to get the phone call asking me to go to the GIC for my weight and bloods! Yay! 😁😁😁❤ As an aside I also asked if I needed anything from her for legal name changes, and she said that she had only been asked for a letter once the year that she has been working here, but she would happily provide one if asked. (I believe in Scotland the process is fairly simple and can be done via self declaration, but it is good to know I will not have issues if I do need something with a letterhead on it.) I am beaming from ear to ear and just want to tell everyone I know that I have been cleared for hormones now, plus I actually feel fairly pretty today! Things are finally moving forwards!!! X

This weekend I have finally told my children that I am transgender. It has been emotionally exhausting, but overall pretty much what I expected. My daughter is 13, diagnosed with Autism and my son is 14 and also diagnosed with Autism, they are both in mainstream school, both have ADHD and are both very different people. My daughter is extremely creative, and my son is extremely structured and likes routines and stability. So.... My daughter called me midweek asking my views on the LGBT community and I explained that I was very much pro, and so she came out to me as gay and I congratulated her on being herself. During the call we realised that we were going to be in the same area at the weekend and so she asked if she could stay with me and of course I said yes. My son was getting his first haircut in almost 6 months and I intended to catch up with my sisters, so she would have lots of time to hang out, she was getting really nervous about telling my sisters the night before and so I told her that I knew that my family would be supportive of her for a fact, and then confided that I was confident because I was trans and that they were all supportive of me, including her nanna (my mum). She gave me a huge smile and so I showed her a picture of me from the other week and explained who knew and who didnt and asked her to keep it secret for now. She asked what wigs I have and was instantly thinking about what she could do with them lol. Immediate and total acceptance. She had a great weekend, but coming backl up the road last night I felt that it was wrong that I had told her but not my son who lives with me full time and so when he asked me about us possibly moving in his usual constant flow of conversation I decided to tell him. He shouted, he told me he wouldn't let me do it, he told me he would stop it, he told me that I was happy and couldn't be sad, he shouted, he cried and he genuinely wailed, but I tried to stay calm and tell him that while on the outside I looked and acted like a man on the inside I felt and thought like a lady and this would help me feel better about myself. I wanted to be happy and be there for him, but that while the outside might look different, and I might talk slightly different to the way I do now, and I would even be wearing wigs, the inside part of me that loved him to bits was not going to change. He told me he didnt want me shouting and moaning at him like his mum and his sister do and that he would be outnumbered, but after about 45 minutes he calmed down and told me that he supported me and that he loved me and that he was going to protect me. By that point I was in floods of tears so we pulled off the road and gave each other huge hugs and then finished the journey home. He asked a few more questions about what he was going to call me and so I said I was calling myself Dee because everyone has called med DeeDee for years, so he could use that if he wanted or even mum1 and mum2, which made him laugh, but I said he would need to think about what he wants to call me, I was always going to be his parent and he will always be my eldest child. He laughed to himself as he thought about me having to pee like his sister does rather than how he does, and I said that would not happen for years yet, but I could tell him more about what happens when he wants to know. I did say that it has to stay a secret at home as no one at all can know where we are, I may practice to get ready being myself when we move, but only at home or when we are away from here. He has found out that his sister has a girlfriend and coped really well with it (Thanks to watching Brooklyn 99 and Cpt Holt and Kevin's relationship) and he has had to learn that his dad, the stable, rock in his world is going to change, and he has taken it all in like the amazing little man he is becoming. I knew the chat with my son was going to be difficult but I really felt lke I had pulled his entire world view down against his will and if I could have taken it back to stop his pain I would have done. I truly hope that this is all going to be worth it in the long term. He was fine and laughing again by the time we got in and watched some animated Mr Bean together, and was fine again this morning chatting to me. but wow, what a weekend! X

Today was my 2nd Sandyford appointment. Sandyford is the gender clinic that has to confirm a gender dysphoria diagnosis in order for me to be prescribed hormone treatment. This time the whole thing was far more relaxed and seemed a lot less confrontational. I wrote my in depth thoughts here: https://ironicissues.wordpress.com/2021/06/07/sandyford-2-this-time-its-personal/ if you want to know what we talked about, or even know my thoughts as I write most weeeks. Effectively though from her tone and her phrasing I think she has already made up her mind that I fit a gender dysphoria diagnosis and is simply making sure she has done her homework properly. I do think I looked nice in the camera as I was wearing my favourite sea green butterfly top, but it felt far more like a balanced conversation than an interrogation this time. I have been realising more and more that the time between me telling my social circle that I am trans and the time between living as Dee 100% of the time is likely to be short and only seems to be getting shorter as I am eager to just get on and do it! lol.

Thank you Monica, I am the middle child and have 4 sisters so she is just gaining another daughter, she is more upset that I was scared to tell her sooner, but hopefully will understand that a huge part of that was me building myself up in case of rejection. The world is a much brighter place now though! XX

Well, I finally did it! Over lunch yesterday my mum asked about how my counselling was going, so I took a deep breath and told her that there was a lot of really big stuff that had come about, I'd realised that so much of my adult life had been spent trying to be what other people wanted me to be that I had no idea who I was.. and after a lot of searching I'd realised that I have never been comfortable as a man and the right word for me was transgender. I did not know if she would understand or not but I really needed to tell her. She had not said a word the whole time, but she looked at me and said that long before I was a teenager I had been running around in her high heels and that she had thought I was goiing to tell her I was gay. She assured me that she loved me and supported me and I burst into tears as we hugged. It really could not have gone better, I mentioned how long I had wanted to tell her and how worried I was about her side of the family, she assured me that she would walk away from them long before she would ever walk away from me. I am so pleased to finally get this out in the open and I am now more certain than ever that I am on the right path. Thanks everyone who commented and gave me the positivity to help make it through this. I am so excited for my future now!

I often wonder whether or not I am doing the right thing The realisation and accpetance that I am trans and living and moving in the wrong social circles has stopped a lot of the huge feelings of self doubt and uncertainty that I have lived with for most of my life. I know that transitioning for me is not because I could not continue to live the way I am now. I have always found a way to keep on placing one foot in front of the other; but because I know that the way that I live now is not genuine. I am living a half life and not actually embracing myself to the fullest. The slumps and unrecognised periods of depression, the worries about being less than everyone around me, that feeling of being the cuckoo in the nest, my sense of disgust with who I am, all stem in some way from the fact that I have been living as a man, when everything internally screams to be recognised as a woman. My niece and one of my Canadian friends both wished me a happy Trans Day of Visibility. Yet I still feel invisible. I have done nothing to transition with my life in any meaningful way so far - as much as I desperately want to tell my mum I am trans and will be changing my presentation so that the outside matches how I feel on the inside I haven't and although I logically know it is just because it is best to do it on person, emotionally it took me so long to build up the courage to say something that the longer I don't say anything the more of a fraud that I feel. I desperately want to tell my children so that I can stop hiding in front of them, my daughter will be moving soon with her mum and my son knows I intend to move in the future too so they have both been talking a lot about where I may end up and all I can tell them is that I will move when I am ready to move and the time is right - I know that I will not move before I have started hormones because if I did I would drop back down to the waiting list of whichever healthboard I move into. Once I am on hormones they cannot take me off them without doctors and GP's getting involved, and other waiting lists for GRS are a national issue because of the limitation of options. My daughter was in my room two days ago cleaning up a present that one of the dogs had left in protest after I had gone out without them and I realised afterwards that because I hadn't put away my clean washing pile there were hosiery and knickers and ladies PJ's very obviously mixed in with the pile. She never said a word but I went and put my clean clothes away the very next morning! I know my kids will need time to adjust but they should not have to carry around the burden of not being able to talk to anyone about me just because I haven't told enpugh people yet. They are teenagers and will either be embraced or mocked by their peers (because teens can be brutal) and they are both diagnosed with ASD which makes social cues and awareness a different experience for both of them. I do believe that when they need to know is after I have come out to my friends so they have adults they can trust to talk to if they need it, by then an accidental comment to the wrong person will not be the end of the world for me. My canadian friends have actively done a lot of work and it is becoming easier and easier to feel myself engaging with them as DeeDee and not their male friend. The fact that they are actively using my name and are subtley changing their way of talking and joking with me gives me a real boost that really helps me to feel grounded when I cannot dress or look the way I want to. I want to have that same process start with my other friends, I want to be able to have the conversation with them and let them start the process of working through in their minds whether or not they can accept me, becoming "one of the girls" will take a lot longer, but I already have way more access to that space with regards to chat groups and invites and planning get togethers then the men in our friend group (as in, there are literally no men other than me in them) so I think the no man's land (pun intended) won't take me quite so long to cross. That mental adjustment will take longer than seeing the physical adjustment, which will happen organically when it can. By the end of this summer I know that I will have told my mum, and my friends and hopefully will have spent at least one or two days or nights as myself in company. By the end of this year I want to have started the conversation with my work and be looking seriously at how and where I can move to continue doing what I know I am good at, but in a place that lets me make that new start. I know who I am in far greater detail now because it has taken a few years of thinking about nothing else to get to this stage. So much relies on the other dominoes falling into place, I don't think I will be able to change out my wardrobe and wear androgynous or female gendered clothing before I fully come out, I visualise it more as just increasing the times I can be DeeDee in front of others until I just don't go back to the male costume which I think of more and more in terms of stealth. When I am socialising as a man I view myself as being hidden in plain sight, when I get to be DeeDee I am no longer hiding. If I have to do that and shave everything 2-3 times a week (daily for my face) then so be it, but I cannot wait for hormones to do all the work anymore than I can wait until I lose the weight that makes me a UK size 18 so I can wear size 14 clothes and feel pretty. I just have to be realistic and work with what I have, that is how I move from invisibile to visible. XX