Tilly

So, my life is advancing in a predictable manner. I'm in my third month of HRT, and absolutely loving that part of my life. My divorce is also moving forward, but with a magistrate that is spouting anti-trans bull crap from the bench as well as including some of the same in his orders. He listed in the temporary orders how I am to dress and act when around my daughter. My lawyer agrees with me that these topics should be between myself, my daughter, and her therapist (although she is not exactly working in the direction of my daughter being comfortable with me being the true me). Now for the bright side. In my research into GCS.I have found that surgery is not on the list of services that are not covered, therefore it is covered. Also, I have found a new church home. It is a congregation that is very accepting. Thanks again for reading my ramblings, Tilly

It's been a while since I wrote here, so I thought I would fill in some of what's going on...I am doing well with myself. My folks are coming to grips with me being me, and my sister is still my biggest cheerleader. Now for the moving forward bit. I had my annual physical this past Friday, and my doctor is sending me to an endocrinologist for the purpose of starting HRT. I am also still thinking about surgery, and now leaning in favor of surgery. Thanks for reading my randomness. Tilly

Sadly, my biggest supporter right now is my sister, whom I have been at odds with for the past few years. I wish I could have her at that meeting with us, but she lives 3 hours away.

The reason I said it felt like an intervention was that she just fired challange after challange at me...I don't think that there is a chance of a calm meeting. I don't have a choice on weather to see her or not, my folks are going to be in town and want to meet with her and me...I'm not looking forward to this.

OK, probably not a unique experience here, but, on Sunday I was at the apartment I still pay rent for to discuss some things with my wife, when as I am about to leave, our pastor shows up...I know she is doing it out of love, but it felt like an intervention. As a result of this, I had no choice but to withdraw myself from everything with my congregation as of yesterday...it's sad, but i felt it necessary. Tilly

I am doing wonderfully with the freedom, but I still have trouble with hurting the ones I love. My wife started talking annulment of our marriage, saying that I entered into the marriage under fraudulent circumstances. I won;t fight her over any of this as long as she agrees to split equitably and not restrict contact with our daughter. As part of a conversation this evening with her, I told her that I had spoken to my mom about what's going on, she replied that she (my mom) might tell my sister before I had the chance to. I told her that's fine, I'm not embarrassed, she said it must feel freeing. I think she is finally getting it that the decision I made was not that I should be a woman, but rather that I decided to stop lying to myself and everyone else. On a side note, I have realized that my thoughts have been absolutely less destructive and negative since I have been able to be me. Again with all my love, Tilly

The hardest part was saying goodnight to my daughter over the phone...

It is official, my wife and I are now separated. I can now be Tilly all the time except at work...I think I am going to hold off on that change until the hair can match who I am...it is at least growing fast. My folks are coming to town next weekend, they know that the wife and I are separated, but I will talk to them about why then. With all my love, Tilly

On the up side, I guess I can now be 24/7... At least once we talk to my daughter.

At this point, I think I need to live authentically. I can't go back to lying to the world at large. I love how I feel as Tilly, I don't think that I could keep my sanity if I had to box myself up again. It is going to hurt for a while as my family falls apart, but I think it will be better for everyone in the long run.

My wife asked me flatly if I am going to transition fully this evening. I'm not sure if she meant surgically or not, but I had to say probably. I hate making her cry, but I couldn't outright lie to her. The time that I spend as Tilly is the happiest and most relaxed time that I can remember recently. But I don't know if I can handle breaking my wife's heart. I know that if I don't do this I am lying to myself, and it will hurt me worse in the long run. Yours in emotional pain, Tilly.

There are a few that knew already, the rest I don't think noticed any difference. I don't exactly have girly tshirts to wear, so with jeans that aren't emblazoned it was probably more about what I felt. I have been wearing makeup to conceal shadow for a couple weeks anyways. Love, Tilly

OK, I had a really weird thought cross my mind today. I said before that I was surprised when I realalized that I was crushing on my best friend, now that is gone to a new level. While I was snuggling into him, I had a daydream pass my brain that scared me at first, then made me smile and snuggle a little closer. I thought about taking him as a girl would. For a second I thought I was going crazy, but then i thought, 'hey, he's a nice guy, why wouldn't I.' Again, just my odd thoughts, Tilly

Bravo Jess, I did similar on Friday, woke up in the morning and decided I wanted to be a bit girly...threw on some boot cut jeans, did minimal makeup to conceal my shadow, and off to work I was. It was one of the best work days I have had. Live, Tilly

At this point, even if there is no breast growth, even the placebo effect for other possible effects is welcomed... As I said before, I will try to keep you posted on changes. Love, Tilly. P.S. I am sticking to the recommendations on dosage so that I don't go overboard.

It is herbal, the claim is for up to two cup sizes in 6 months... I'll let you gals know how it comes out. All my love, Tilly

Well, I ordered Pueraria Mirifica, if it works as it is supposed to, I will start to develop a bit upstairs, along with some other benefits. When my wife notices, I have a feeling she will just leave...or kick me out. I think I am beyond caring because I am as calm about this as I have been about anything in quite a while. I love you all, Tilly

Thanks ladies, I was hoping that I could keep the woman I love. I needed a reality check, and can always count on ya'll to provide. Again, thanks, Tilly.

Well my wife actually delivered an ultimatum, if I transition, she will divorce me. Part of me wants to just get it over with, but I totally don't want to hurt my daughter. I don't know if spending time with friends every so often as my true self will be enough. She knows that I cross dress when i am with them and showed serious displeasure when I try told her. I wish I could have gotten an initial appointment with a therapist before April 3. I really need professional help. Thanks, Tilly

As for the deodorant, I know what you mean, I have never liked wearing deodorant until I just recently picked up some Dove. Now I put it on before work, reapply when I get home and before bed...I know it's supposed to last twelve hours, but I like how I smell, especially when it is fresh. For the video, I totally get it. I am tired of trying to be macho to fit in. Love you all, Tilly

Thank you both. I needed that today.

We do not have a spare bedroom unfortunateky. As l am going through this, part of why I was ready to leave is that when i see the look of disgust on my spouce's face when she looks at me hurts worse then seeing myself with the parts with which I was born. I have no desire to be unfaithful. I have said before, I love my wife very deeply and want to spend the rest of my life with her, i just now see that if we can stay together it will be as two women. This life transition is being so hard on both of us, I wish there were a way I could m as ke it easier on her. I understand that I am in for a struggle, I just wish that I could bear the pain myself and not share it with the woman I love.

I was getting ready to leave tonight, she actually said the exact words I needed to hear. She said, "I don't want you to leave.". I don't know if I will be sleeping alone yet, but I guess it's something.

After six hours to think and sleep on this decision, I still believe it is the right one. If she comes home all riled, I will take my clothes and leave...I believe it is the best thing for us both.

I think I am going to leave tomarrow...give her the space to figure things out...She told me that last night she rolled over and saw things she didn't want to see...I'm sorry if a yoga top is inappropriate sleepwear, it's comfortable. I tried to sleep topless a week or so ago, and couldn't get over feeling exposed. If she comes home fired up again tomarrow I will leave, I already am packed except for toiletries.