anunitu

a curse "live long and suffer the worlds pain"

5:30 am on a quiet winter night,and when I woke up I wondered if I had only slept a few short hours thinking it was 5:30pm, but it seems over 20 hours has gone by. and in that 20 hours nothing has happened online or in my real life,the question that hit me was why ever wake up,just sleep the sleep of deepest never ending dreams and find some substance there, there being no substance here in the material world. this need for a reality void of any true connection has been growing these last few months since i had a stroke and spent a week in a coma in the hospital felt the most peaceful in my entire life. even though i was not awake to the world i was aware of where i was in a deep sleep that seemed to never approach an ending and they had to force me awake again, I did not want to return,then they used those paddles and broke my eternal dream, and a awoke very angry at the rude wake up, even now I want to return to that deep silent dream state. I f I do not follow my diet for the diabetes perhaps I will be allowed to return and not find so much lonely here in the reality that I can not wake from ether. my life was at least more awake when I was part of that long ago war that caused many of my childhood friends to go away forever. i should have left with them when i could have I got close at times but life would not let me go, maybe circumstance will now return to open the way home again. but this life is cruel in its ability to suck the joy and happiness from your dreaming heart. I only wish to again return to that coma state and reenter that soft dream or entrance to the never ending rest in peace home of everyone who went before leaving me to try to chase after them. again it is very early and i want to sleep another 20-30 hours until the sunlight screams my name again.

can we restrict types of viewers in the blogs? i hope so as to allow a more directed expression avoiding any underage members can we age restrict blogs?

I am thinking if I break out here in this senior building it will mess my ex's whole world as she is known by most others here,and she would not like me coming out here but i intend to do just that i am very tired of hiding in plain sight. she can make adjustments this time around, i kind of know some here who know only my semi male image here might be shocked at me saying to them its she not him kids,get used to it. where here get used to it, and no dead naming or mis gendering i did this whole thing at work before i did srs,and i hope i have the energy for it now,people are a pain in their dealing with change. but i NEED to go back to my real self very bad,as it is i have to watch what i say or how i act that would seem to them not how a guy would do those things it takes energy to keep that image up and it also grates on my emotional self because at this time i am going by my dead name i flinch when addressed by it i am so tired of doing things to not hurt or confuse others,but at a cost to my personal peace of mind, let them be the ones with that burden of remembering not to use my dead name and get their pronouns straight. i have accommodated them way to long. let my ex take this hit for not understanding my pain in this issue she may suffer from her friends asking what is that all about? i stayed hidden to protect her but that time is done,this old lady is breaking out the oh girls in public, and let them go figure my real self at last i would also like to get to know some of the jenneys here as sisters not as a freaking guy in their minds. maybe they might accept my place in the world of my sisters now. i want that so very bad,have no idea how some men here will take this,but they are big boys let them learn to cope. i am not going to play at the mask game anymore if safety becomes a factor it will be their safety because i learned how to cause great pain in the service. i do not like violence but i am not a stranger to it,if confronted they need to understand the danger they might expect if they disrespect my person. not lady like but who says a lady can't defend herself?

feeling very empty this am,wondering why i am typing this at all,with the empty internet to freeze the words in place no reply because the bits do not exist as thought,only 1s and 0's counting the pulses of my breaking heart, no no,no one there at all,only the mirror of electronic static and random singing current in those wires all concern only a warm field of thought blooms that reach critical mass in the dark web,there to fall to the vast imaginings of reality with no solid vesture,only shadows running from themselves. well,no matter,the shadows can not escape,or i hope not. can darkness make a clam to my emotional fires,perhaps if i do not keep the watch tower in its open state. but shadows are not easy to keep hidden in their jails the chains all rusted and links broken now.those old demons might desire their old power to destroy again, i remember those days long ago as a war raged across the china seas. no i will not remember that i buried those long years gone bye. full stop now it hurts to remember.

my site with my writing: https://ko-fi.com/U7U2PBFF let me know what you think.

something i wrote when i was told i might write an erotic piece, so i wrote this. Evening and whispering touch Oh for dreams of this simple devotion, a touch of tender grace Soft rivulets of melting ice, across your alabaster skin And to a motion that could bring a moan, no deception in its flow Some juxtaposed desire, from your heated breath across my soul In semi dream like state, awash in mounting visions of an alter night For the wisdom made plain, with its hollow mouth touching in places sacred Is it but the stuff of dreams, this molten fevers biting touch And I relenting from the need, for a dangerous design of care. Anunitu (C) 2003

at times an image flickers ,the broken body of the dancer fallen from her pedestal when the tune was over at last and she attempted to return to the sadness she had escaped from to join the dance,but the sadness screamed to her you have been banished for abandoning your home for nothing more than a pleasure of your own truth. this the dark will not abide,go back to your dance of sadness,and become what is required to return to us,or slay that bright light you carry with you,it does not belong here in our presence,we only rule here in this place be as we tell you you are allowed to be. then perhaps we will allow you passage to the other side to that even darker place of permanent rest.

this describes me at times Break Flesh Secret passions that we claim Within this Sepulcher of pain Crossing cadence with the drum Halls of flesh now overcome Now the witness' find their place Upon this convoluted, spider trace Taking postulants on this stage Through the postures of their rage Freeing demons from their chains Striking down the last remains Of shepherds pinned upon the wall Between the pillars, standing tall Anunitu (C) 1998

there are days i wonder if i need to rethink what it means to exist as i am,will i find another path to break down other walls and find a bright room on the other side,or is it better to stay safe here alone in this dark and warm shadow of reality? i used to know the answer to this,but at 72 i have begun to once again ask questions with no answers concerning my expectations from life walls protect while caging us in our pain and fear,but as one book said,i have no mouth and i MUST SCREAM some days that is how i feel and i cannot even cry to make it better. will we sing and dance like monsters at the alter of our greed, to fall to the treasures great temptation only to find it just dross,not truth at all,but only more doubt?

i took a very deep look at your pic, i can see things other people do not,it has to do with a persons energy that can not be seen by most people, kind of like the aura concept,and it does show the deeper parts call them a soul vision. when we were chatting earlier today i caught a bit of that energy from you, some that carried your fears and your inner needs not spoken about because that need is something you fear more than other more tangible aspects the much deeper part of your soul that hides behind your eyes. not to expect this to make sense to you or perhaps you feel a little wonder at thinking what do you mean by that? i am i guess a soul reader as it is at times called, i can feel things unseen in people,what makes you tick you might imagine it to be, i am not perfect but might seem insightful from time to time, some is because of my spiritual nature, i have been told i am an empath and can at times cut through even very deep hidden parts of people,nothing of a judgemental nature. just the parts where the old pain resides. i am aware of how pain can etch into peoples lives and effect actions that might seem not to effect your perceptions when that old pain does play a part even when you do not acknowledge it. just take this with a large grain of salt. i do not mean to go where i should not go i just see things as i said,and i see in you more than you would admit to,your world view is colored by old actions by others and yourself as well. i enjoyed our chat earlier and wish you to have a good future ahead of you. ok i will stop now, i think i might be intrusive now,and i do not want to breach your comfort zone. yours in friendship Christina(my real name) but not my birth name anunitu is my goddess name that i take to honor my goddess. i hope we can again chat more