Emilyruns

Just an update on how things are going, it's been so long since I've been online here! I've been working through that book by Dara Hofmann-Fox, and it's been super helpful. It's gotten me to start exploring non-binary options, which may be a good place for me to be on the gender spectrum. I've been going out dressed as me a bit. Went to a coffee shop for the first time ever to meet up with a trans friend, and we both brought our spouses. It felt so good to be myself in public! But pretty nerve wrecking. It was wonderful to finally meet another trans person in real life. We had a good time chatting about our own issues and everything else. A few weeks later we went out to dinner in the same style. Funny thing is that both times I did not feel like wearing my breast forms, so I went without. To me that's an indication that maybe I'm not on the far female side of the spectrum. In the mean time though, I have nothing male left in my wardrobe, all my clothes were purchased in the women's section, but still it allows for a look that's not super feminine. I'm liking it, somewhere in the middle. Right now I have some house guests for a few weeks, with their kids. And although they are super supportive, I still have less chance of expression like I usually do. It's forcing me to take a break though, which is not bad in itself because now I'm taking a step back and I can do a little observation and reflection. It's taken me to the point to try and stop taking estrogen, but stay on the testosterone blocker. My doc was supportive of this, as I'm exploring non-binary stuff. I'm only two weeks in, and I can't say that I feel any different. Unfortunately just after I stopped taking the pills I got rather sick (not-covid, just a stomach bug), so I still don't know if there were any changes in my mood in the beginning. I really wonder how this will develop in the future. My journey started in 2019, and I was on the female side of the spectrum for a good year and a half, before things started to change somewhat and I started shifting more to the middle. Wonder where I'll be a year from now. The journey continues. Otherwise there's nothing really new. The new house is still keeping us busy every minute, and if it doesn't then the kids keep us occupied.

Hi Jennifer, Some time ago I moved to a different place, so that's been keeping me busy and I haven't been online much. But I'm catching up now, and reading posts from...the last year I think. Just wanted to let you know that your inane ramblings matter to me, a lot. Thank you for your openness. I struggle every day with being transgender and bipolar, and reading that someone else might have the same struggle, something that I recognize, is a great comfort. We are not alone, and thanks to you sharing your thoughts, I am stronger than I would be alone. You matter. We all matter in the end. Sometimes the fight is the only reason I have to keep going, even if I feel so confused that I've forgotten what the fight is about. Stay strong girl, keep up the good fight, this world needs you. with love, Emily

Just took my first dose of HRT! I'm so excited!

I just got done with the initial informed consent process for HRT. I can't believe I'm doing this! This is what I've been dreaming about (literally) all my life! I cried and laughed at the same time when I realized this is getting real. Love you all!

I'm so excited! Tomorrow first appointments for electrolysis on beard and on my downstairs mixup! Already been doing it on back, neck, brows, nose, and ears, so at least I know how it feels. Can't wait. This is gonna be fun!!! And on Wednesday I have a drs appointment to talk about HRT. More exceitement! I can hardly sleep!

This happened yesterday. And this blog entry will be short, because there's not much to tell. I love my parents, and they love me. Unconditionally. They did not see me being transgender coming at all, so I looked at their blank faces for a few seconds. But then they snapped out of it, and they're supportive. Son or daughter, I am their child. They've heard and seen a lot on the subject in the media, so they were well aware what transgender means. That was about it. I had a fantastic day after coming out to them!

I think I'm starting a new fad. It's called insomnia. You should try it. Loads of fun.

Gawd that looks so cute!

I finally made it outside! Just a short evening walk with my wife, but it was glorious. How's the make up? I'm colourblind, so it's a serious question. Anything with colours is a bit daunting to me.

I came out to my neighbor by accident yesterday. She's super chill about everything though, and she didn't even blink an eye. So here's the short story. I'm home, my 5 y/o is already asleep, and it's just before 7 pm. My 2y/o is still awake, and we're reading story books. I'm wearing a nice skirt and a tank top. My phone bings and tells me an Amazon package has arrived. I know that there's a new skirt and new shorts for me in it, so I really want to go get it. We decide to read the same story 5 more times. Now I'm really antsy so I tell him I just have to go get the package from outside and I'll be right back. Unfortunately it was delivered to my neighbors door (Amazon takes pictures now), and that's maybe 10 steps away. I close the door behind me, and scurry over to snatch the box. This is the very first time I've gone out my front door in a skirt. I'm very proud of myself. I hurry back. The door is locked. In the 10 seconds I was gone, my 2 y/o locked the door one my! The rest of the house is already locked up, so I can't get in! I have no keys, no phone, no nothing. Just my amazon box, and I'm wearing a skirt and a pink razorback tank top, and I'm locked out of my house! My 2 y/o starts crying and screaming immediately. I freak out. I put my shoulder into our weak door, but it won't budge. I go to the back yard to check the windows, but everything's locked. The shed is open though, so I grab a crow bar and set to work on the front door. But, I've never done this before, so I have no idea what I'm doing. I do some damage to the wood work, but still the door won't budge. My 2 y/o's cries get louder and he's obviously more freaked out than I am. I become frantic. I run back to the shed, grab duck tape, a screw driver and a rubber mallet. I tape over the kitchen window so it won't shatter, and hammer the screw driver into it. But I don't want the neighbors to call the cops either, so I try to keep it as soft as I can. The window doesn't break, and I don't want to go to jail. I run back to the front door and try to kick it in. Still doesn't work. Now I sink down in front of it in despair and start talking to my 2 y/o to try and calm him down. It takes a few minutes, but then I'm able to talk to him. After a while my neighbor comes out to check on the noise. She's seen everything out of her window already, and now finds me crying, in a skirt, on the door mat. Her pity and understanding is amazing. Together we talk to my little child, and eventually he figures out how to unlock the door. He's happy. My cries intensify a thousand fold, and I act like the mother who finally embraces her lost child. After a couple of minutes I'm able to stand up again, and give my neighbor many thanks. Just before we say goodbye she compliments me on how cute I look. I'm so elated that I start crying again, and it took me a good hour to calm down again. So, now she knows, and I won't be as afraid anymore of gong out my front door!

Hi Monica, Yes, I'm pretty sure I'm bipolar. I've been seeking help for gender dysphoria, and everyone I've talked to agrees GD is present. But each and every one of them also have mentioned that I may be bipolar. The last two psychiatrists both diagnosed me with BPD. It's mild, but taking meds right now. Those should take a couple of weeks before the effects kick in. We'll see how things go. I hope indeed I respond just as beautifully to the medication! ❤️ Emily

Just need to rant a bit. My new psychologist has just diagnosed me with bipolar. But they never told me about the diagnosis. Now finally I'll be starting some meds! Yay! Once those are in effect and helping I can start thinking about GD and hormones again. AAaaargghh! This is taking waaay to long for my brain to handle all this!

Under the LBGTQ+ umbrella I fall under Q. I'm Q-ing about T. Does that make me a cutie (QT)?

PS.: if you think it might help, I can send you a cattle prod

Jen, that is a terrible thing to have to bear with you for the rest of your life! I'm crying as I write this. Both for you and the gay man involved. We can't change the way we were raised, and we can't change the past. After the fact, you did all you could do for this person, and that is a very brave thing to do. You are still beating yourself up over this, and that may be the penance you are paying. But I dearly love the idea that you have offered your time as monitor in the LGBT teens chat room. I hope it works out and you get to do it! It would be a good place to start, and once you are comfortable doing that, you might reach out farther to support others, and to prevent hate. But indeed, one step at a time. Keep up the good work, and keep the love in your heart strong. You know it's there, and it burns bright! Keep going on this route, and for the man downstairs you'll be a very tough nut to crack.