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One Door Closes, Another Door Opens

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Today is – quite literally – the first full day of the rest of my life. Yesterday (on Easter Sunday) I left my wife (now, ex, which is hard to fathom), home (now hers), friends, and family, to venture out on a Hero’s Journey (if I do say so myself) to see what I find in my gender, life, and home. I woke this morning in my Minnie Winnie near Healdsburg, California at a KOA campground, figured out how to hook up the water and sewage to the coach, and cooked eggs and coffee for breakfast. 

The last couple of months have been very challenging and exhausting for both my wife and myself. I returned from my camping trip in early February to find that my wife had decided that we should divorce. She said that the reason is that while we are together it will be unforgivably impossible for me to truly discover and be myself, whether I need to transition, live publicly as a woman, or whatever. That, and for reasons she doesn’t understand herself (and feels guilty about) there is something about my being transgender that she finds very hard to accept.  

At first there was some anger and hurt feelings between us. She asked when I might leave (the earlier the better), we both worried about how we would settle our affairs, and I could not wait to simply drive away and move on. We found a divorce mediator, I created a spreadsheet that helped us try out different asset division models, we started to trust each other, and finally came to an agreement. She got a bit more than I did but that's the way it needed to be for her to keep the house. But I got my freedom in an enviable way that I have often dreamed of my entire life.  

Once that was worked out the rest of our time was mostly spend packing and provisioning my Winnie, unwinding our family finances, pushing through the myriad forms needed to file for divorce. We worked hand in hand still wearing our wedding rings. Our mediator and attorneys were amazed that a couple as caring of each other as us would even consider getting divorced. I’m deeply saddened now as I write this. I know she is too; we talked last night on the phone for 45 minutes.

When I arrived at the campground yesterday I unpacked my Emma clothes into my closet and drawers; they’d been in boxes that my wife really prefers not to open. And now I consider what I want to do in the coming months.

My plan is to head slowly north, through Oregon, Washington, British Columbia, to Alaska, for the summer, and then return south in time to miss the winter snow and rain, through Iowa (or Idaho, not sure), Utah, and Colorado. In each location I want to see what feels right and wrong about the place, and experience what’s available for trans people like me. For example, in Portland (Tigard, actually) and Seattle, are what I call “training wheel” services that provide help with dressing, make-up, and the rest, and opportunities to get out and feel what it’s like to be as female as I can be. I hope that through that and more I’ll learn more about where under the TG umbrella I’d like to be. 

But it’s not all about being transgender. I have my acoustic guitar, camera, bicycle, books, hiking boots, and paints. I want to exercise, eat well, and meditate on staying in the present, while pushing against my fears and boundaries that I have allowed to control me for the past six decades. 

And who knows, I might meet the next love of my life. I’m not looking but I’m open to it so long as it doesn’t happen too soon. And, my ex and I plan to stay in touch, and she may visit me in Seattle, Alaska, or both. We might even decide to get back together if I truly find that I don’t need to transition and she becomes comfortable with my true self, whatever that is.  

That’s about it for now. Stay tuned, there will be more!

Love,

Emma

 

Emma and Winnie.jpeg


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5 Comments

Posted

Enjoy the grand adventure!  I envy you that freedom to go wherever and do whatever!  It sounds like a great grand adventure!  If you ever make it around Ohio be sure to stop by and have dinner with us!  :)  ​ I'm glad that the worst is behind you and you have found peace with the changes in your life, and then excitement about what is to come next!  *Hugs*  May the road ahead bring you joy, laughter, and adventure!  Beautiful photo in which you look ready to tackle the world! 

And I really really envy you the Minnie!  Grandpa had a Minnie Winnie after he sold the pull behind Airstream, we had so much fun in that. : )  Mostly at Assateague Island and Indian Lake, but the where mattered less than the adventure.  :)  ​I miss that rv and all the silly fun we had in it. 

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Posted

Emma,

I wish you all the happiness you can find on this journey! It's not an easy path, but it's well worth it and it seems like you've really thought through a lot and have a good vision of how to get started. Between that and the courage you've already demonstrated I have no doubt you'll find your authentic self.

I also admire how you managed things with your wife. It was no doubt tempting at times just to leave (I say that from experience, having been married so many years ago), but you stayed and took care of what needed to be done. So add persistence to the strengths mentioned above :-)

I'm looking forward to hearing about your travels - literal and personal :-)

Xoxo

Chrissy

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Emma, I have not logged in for awhile until today and was surprised by your post. I am so sorry that you had to go through this. Yet at the same the love that you and wife showed each other is unparalleled. Just amazing!

Be safe and well on your new journey. I am happy for you!

<3

Lisa

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Hiya Emma. I Am Here, My Darling, To Wish You Bon Voyage. It Is a Long Time, since I was on here, but, that Will Not be the case any more. Emma, I Am So Sorry, to hear about Your Divorce Honey. Emma, Your Marriage, is Not the Only One, whose Marriage has died. I Am Now Officially Separated. Also, I have been Fully; Full-Time; MtoF; Transitioning; for just 12 Day's Short of 2 Year's Now. I have Officially; Legally; Changed My Name, to Stephanie, in the Last 4 Month's. Emma, I Know, that You ARE travelling, all round the Country, with Winnie Minnie. Enjoy the Journey's. Emma Take Care Honey, And My Very Best Wishes, Big Hugs, With Lots Of Love, Stephanie. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

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Posted

Dear Friends,

Emma, please let me know how Seattle and Portland are from a woman's point of view.

Just to remind you all, we change COMPLETELY, physically and emotionally, DECADE by DECADE.  So the person that Emma's wife fell in love with ten or more years ago is not the same person today.  Also, Emma's partner is not the same person she was ten or more years ago than she is today.  Only a lucky few grow in parallel for ten years or more.  Our complex society makes it even harder!

Your friend,

Monica

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