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When my wife caught me wearing a bra, she asked me if I was going to transition. Before that moment, I had not even considered the idea of wearing women's clothing as anything other than a dirty little secret. At the time, I stated vehemently, "No, I had no intention of becoming a woman," however, her question started my mind stirring. I have been in turmoil for the week and a half since, but I am starting to come to terms with my gender fluidity. The more I think about it, the more I start to realize that when I was younger (8-12 years old) I would "borrow" my sister's bathing suit, bra, and panties at different times when I was home alone and could get away with it. I now realize that I did that without getting aroused, and that was the whole point when I did it the first couple of times. Later on, I would even wear one of the bras to school under a t shirt and a sweatshirt and was not only comfortable, I was more relaxed. In the early '90s, that would have been considered very taboo. I bought (online) and started wearing a sports bra again under a sweatshirt at home fairly recently because of the memories I had of feeling secure. Again, I felt like I was getting a hug from an old friend, and have been wearing it full time except for at work (I cannot wear long sleeves on the sweatshirt around the equipment I work with due to safety concerns) and might eventually even at work if I decide to start living full time in a more feminine form, however that frightens me beyond belief because of what coworkers might think or how they would react. I posted before about hanging out with friends dressed, and though I know it isn't in public, the walk from the car to the front door was an ancient time until I realized that no one would think twice about a girl in an ankle length denim skirt wearing a hooded sweatshirt in 30 degree weather. These few hours with this crowd has been the some of most enjoyable time I have spent in recent memory, even though it was just hanging out and watching anime. If anyone would have told me two weeks ago that I was going to identify as part of the LGTBQ community, I would have said they were nuts. But as of now, I am becoming more and more comforted that there is that community and that you are here helping me along on my new life path. I thank you for all your support, Tilly

This is attempt number 2 - I have literally taken most of it from my other post and tried to remember what I had written differently! I have had this weekend pretty much to myself, normally I spend most evenings wishing I had the time to be me, but whether it is because I have been out a lot or just not had the time I do not know. Today though was different, I went to work this morning but as soon as I arrived back home I changed into some leggings and a jumper and did some hopefully subtle eye makeup - I seem to either do too little or too much - and some not so subtle red lipstick - no reason to, I just really wanted to. I put on my favourite wig and when I looked in the mirror I saw Dee, a woman enjoying her weekend. So a thought came into my head "that is exactly what I should do". I may not be able to go for coffee as I do not want to be out where I am, and I have to drive for 2.5 hrs to get to the closest population centre where I could relax with a much lower risk of physically bumping into someone I know. I decided to go for a drive, I think that seeing someone post countryside pictures recently inspired me so I decided to go on a wee forestry walk, and on a Sunday afternoon as remote as I am, I was always likely to meet others as it is common to go for a Sunday afternoon walk. I started plotting. I put my wig and brand new red jacket - bought after I chickened out of going out last time - in a bag and put some loose joggers on over the top along with one of my big hooded man jackets, I smiled every time I passed a car just in case they noticed my lips were redder than normal! (I know, like 2 cars passing at 50mph have time to notice that sort of thing) and then when I was around 20 minutes away from the house and less likely to be passed by someone I know I pulled over to the side of the road and took off the man clothes and put my wig back on, now I could openly smile and enjoy singing along to Adele as I drove. I found a good spot with only one or two cars in the starting car park and went for my first walk outside as Dee, my hair stayed on even in the wind, half a mile down the path I spotted a pink jacket coming my way, after a moment of panic I thought sod it and kept going - I smiled and said hello as I passed the only other woman on the path, she smiled briefly, nodded and carried on. British walking etiquette is nothing if not predictable, I do not know if I passed as I have no foundation on, but I met no one else and enjoyed what was probably only a 2 mile walk or 30 minutes in the woods. Feeling brave I also stopped and explored some standing stones at the side of the road and took another couple of pictures then arrived home just a few minutes ahead of the rain. So I typed this up as I sat waiting for my coffee to brew, listening to the rain on the window and feeling very relaxed and accomplished. Today between being in the car and going for my walk I have spent an hour and a half outside in the real world as Dee. It was exciting and worrying as I was changing in the car, and then just as I passed the other walker, but other than that I have to say that it felt so totally average being a girl outside, so much so that even after I took my wig off when I looked in the mirror I saw a woman smiling back. It may not mean much to others but I really could not be happier that I was brave enough to try. Best of all though is that I got to wear my new red coat.💗 XX

Depression or sadness? Well there's a huge difference between the two. Sadness sucks. Maybe your favorite team lost the championship. Maybe your family said your meatloaf sucked. Maybe you're just having an off day. It's ok to cry. Let it out. Don't let anyone laugh at you for crying. Depression is beyond. Depression is an emotional disorder. The sufferers feel those things all day every day. They have no hope for tomorrow. They have no hope for today. They don't have the ability to get out of bed and carry themselves. They don't eat. They don't sleep. They want to be alone all the time. I know these things, because I suffer from depression. One will pass. The other will not without help from someone. Be they friend, family, professional, or somewhere else. But there is one thing you are required to forget about thinking. You don't have the right to kill yourself. Just because you have the ability doesn't mean you should exercise that ability. Ian Malcomb said it best in Jurassic Park: "Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether or not they could, they didn't stop to think if they should." Your death solves nothing. It doesn't end the pain. It just passes it on to the next in line. Which is several people. Your parents, siblings, children, and extended family. Your friends will inherit your pain as well. Is that really what you want to do to all of them? My grandmother committed suicide before I was born. The result was that I never got to meet her. Nor did any of my cousins. I understand the pain gets overwhelming at times. I really do. I've attempted suicide more times than I care to try to count, in more ways than I care to admit. And when your attempt isn't successful, you feel like a total failure at life. You think "If I can't even kill myself right, I am nothing but a complete failure at everything." It's hell. Your mind stays in that hell for a long time. If you're thinking that I'm just blowing smoke up your butt right now then ask yourself this one question. If you're truly suicidal, why are you still here? Were you going to do it yesterday but got sidetracked? Or an hour ago? I'll tell you why you're still here. Because you want help. Because (depending on your personal beliefs) you don't want to face possible eternal damnation for taking that away from your god's decision of when. Because you want be loved, and you want to love. Everyone, no matter how successful, or happy they seem, has room for improvement. That's because there's not a living soul on this planet that is perfect. Obviously there's people who think they are, but if you're that narcissistic then you have more room for improvement than anyone else. Granted, every person everywhere will have the thought of suicide at least once in their life. It's natural. But over 99% of people don't do it. In the grand scheme of over 7 billion people it's actually rather rare. Don't try to make it common. You don't have that right. As a last note to anyone thinking about doing it, think about this... THE ONES YOU LEAVE BEHIND WILL SUFFER MORE THAN YOU.

Ok, this is probably not the normal way to use a blog, but I figured putting my thoughts and feelings somewhere could help me sort out where I am. Most of the posts by me in here will likely be rather short. If there is anyone out there that wants to read and it helps them, all the better. Ok, to get started, I am Tilly. I am new to all of this and aml struggling with a lot of things. My wife reacted somewhat poorly when she caught me 'under dressing,' but womans' undergarments have been a comfort of mine fo some time. I'm thrilled to have found this forum of wonderful and supportive people, you have already helped me start dealing with my emotional train wreck, (and I am not even on HRT). I also have a group of friends that are very laid back that I shared my vulnerability with, and they are absolutely wonderful. I was able to dress away from privacy for the first time and it was absolutely wonderful. They even started being chivalrous right off the bat, when I mentioned that I was chilly, one of them wrapped me in his jacket. I was surprised by the gesture at the time being my first time out as my feminine self.

Christy, I think you are right on. "Being me" is the lifelong goal. As Renee Reyes put it, someone will always be prettier, faster, richer, smarter, or whatever. We only need to be our best selves. And, as you said, we can use envy to our advantage to emulate the qualities that we admire. As for me, I don't "present." I wear the clothes I feel comfortable in and often they are quite feminine. I like the look and feel. So there!

A while back, I ordered a pair of ladies' palazzo pants from Amazon, and, as you may know, they ask for a review. I sent them a favorable one since I like the pants. They look, fit, and feel great. Then a few days ago, a lady Amazon customer writes to ask me if the inseam would work for her "curvy 5"10" figure." So, I dutifully measured the inseam and sent her the measurements along with the comment that I thought the pants would work fine for her. I did have to add that they work for my 6' non-curvy male body. Now she has written back to tell me that my comments were helpful. I am finding this whole episode somewhat amusing. Now,I wonder if I'll be asked to give any more advice. LOL

Well, I came out to my wife tonight. The best I can say about her initial reaction is that we are still sleeping in the same bed. She has expressed more anger over me lying to her then wanting to wear women's clothing. I tried to explain to her that I didn't keep it from her for any more then a week, because that is when I finally realized what my history and current feelings were. I was so terrified that I was going to have to find somewhere else to sleep, at least for a while (who knows, I still might) that I had a bag packed with a couple of days worth of work clothes. She asked if I had been wearing her clothes, I could honestly say that I had not (though she has a few things in her closet that I wouldn't mind borrowing), After her initial reaction, I left her in the bedroom and curled up in the recliner in our living room with a throw blanket and cried. I called a friend of mine that I have talked about earlier and he was able to get me calmed down, we talked for like two and a half hours (I am right now thanking God that I have wonderful friends, even if they came into my life recently). While on the phone with my friend I realized that one of these days I might forget to take my bra off getting ready for work and crying started again when I realized that they might see it. I don't know if this is a justified fear or if I should talk to my supervisor in private, or even if I should make it a non issue and just start wearing a bra to work. I know that I am not as far along as a lot of you girls around here, but thanks for comments, concerns, and a few answers. As always, all my love, Tilly

On Tilly's recent blog after some encouragement from Monica, Emma very kindly shared a list of things that she had shared with her therapist while wrestling with her identity. It had been split into different age stages but included some if not all of the "pointers" and memories that hinted at her true gender. Christy had also said she had found the exercise of creating a list beneficial to her. So last night I sat up and decided to see if I could compile my own "List". I was surprised about a few things. Firstly that I could actually make a list, I still have an inner voice that tells me that I cannot possibly be Trans and that I am just avoiding dealing with my marriage breakup because they happened so close together. In part the truth is the marriage break up led me to start asking who I was, my relationship with my ex works well as friends and she is confiding in me again (even though some of the topics I do not think appropriate for your ex husband, she does not think about my feelings like that and I would never tell her). Secondly, while there is more in adult memory than childhood I realised that there are still things that I put down before puberty struck and my hormones went wild. 🤬 Thirdly while I am embarrassed about the strong connection to self pleasure and pornography, I can see patterns in the categories I have found myself getting fixated on for a while, and when looked at dispassionately they all point strongly to an urge to be seen as female. It is also why the first thing I did was remove that element and see if I still wanted to dress feminine when stimulation was not a part of the equation and yeah, it still felt like me and still feels somehow right. I haven't included the actual "list" in this post because of the numerous references to adult genres, but am happy to post it if others are interested. I have effectively already blogged about it all previously anyway so none of it is secret. (that in itself has helped with some of my personal Transphobia although I did not know that's what the guilt was until recently). As my list was compiled in one day there is a good chance I will have missed a few things, but I do want to say thank you for the thought exercise - it has genuinely been very educational for me and it has given me a couple of things to think about. 🤔🤗👸😯

Wow! Jess. You are making great strides. It all sounds so exciting, and it also sounds like you are in a good place with good providers. Thanks for sharing your journey with us.

Thursday was when people were arriving in groves. I would estimate that attendance grew from 100 or more to well over 600. Some workshops were scheduled; I attended "Work it Girl! Posing to perfection." and "About Face The Alchemy of Make-up". Both were well presented, I learned a lot that I use now. I think my make-up has improved ten-fold from before. Well worth it.💇‍♀️ after dinner, socializing in the lounge and lobby until the Dance party with DG Gregg. Notably, met Linda and became instant friends. Had much in common except I would guess she's a little younger. She tries to visit one Conference each year; her wife is cool with that; is on her tenth or so year, but the amazing thing is she could pass 24/7 365 days a year. Tall, sleek, pretty, (and she confessed to me and I to her, bald. Beautiful wit, outgoing personality, and lots of fun to be around. The only time she is out is at conventions. Hooked up again later and at the dance party and she coaxed me to get out on the floor. Now I haven't danced in many, many, many years. Never really enjoyed it, always felt too rigid, out of place. Well let me tell you I melted right onto the dance floor, had the time of my life, fell right into my skin, liberated!! Met and had great conversations with another few dozen new friends into the night .

Wednesday was the official first day of the Convention, but not a whole lot was scheduled. I woke early, took about 3 1/2 hours to get ready (which was record time for me at that point), and went down to the lobby to see what was going on. Some people were just arriving, most were in their male persona, unpacking their luggage from their cars, all with an exuberant look in their faces and an excited attitude in their strides seeming so happy to finally be here. I went to the restaurant in the Hotel by 10am ( had complementary breakfast coupons) and I have to say it was excellent in every aspect. Simple, but very good on the quality scale and having been catering for 30+ years, I know. There weren't a whole lot of people having breakfast; some were obviously there for the convention, some were not. I sat myself at a table proximity of another woman, a little younger than me. My guess cis. We exchanged smiles and then she said to me that when she first saw me she thought that I was the actress from some show called " Mom and Me". Then she kept looking thinking, no way. She said the mom, not the daughter and chuckled. I said I hadn't seen it but I'm sure I should be flattered, thank you. She was just checking out and we wished each other to have a good day. (Okay, another boost for the confidence just starting out this week even though she probably just forgot to put her contacts in that morning). 💇‍♀️ Finished up and went back out, and more people were arriving. Met a few who were already settled in; many were part of the organizing staff, and one in particular I met was Cheryl. I would come to realize her to be one of the most awesome, genuine people I have ever met in my lifetime; the type of person that when you grow up, you want to be just like? Turned out she was the Head Organizer, and my first impression was right on; she made me feel like she knew me my whole life. By the end of the Convention, it became apparent we have all known each other our whole lives; most of us just haven't met yet.😍 Afterwards got my registration packet, and checked out the venders room, but they were just setting up still, so there wasn't much to do. Hung out on and off as more people arrived and began slowly introducing myself and meeting others. Went out for a drive to learn the area, found my Starbucks, not really a fan of the coffee but like the atmosphere., and went to the supermarket to stock my room mini refrigerator. About 30 -40 minutes in the supermarket; taking my time. One girl came up to me as I was opening a cooler door and said "I just love your nails" Haha. At the checkout, gentleman bagger about my age asked "ma'am would you like your milk in a bag? Double haha! I was sure from then on this was gonna be a good week and it was! ☺️ Later that evening, went to the lounge, sat at the bar and ordered a bottle water, and met and talked to another dozen or so fantastic people, went to bed early.

Pretty hard to paint ones toes! I think you're right, practice. Have lots of nail polish remover and cotton balls handy to clean off the mistakes. And, do it over paper or something that won't be damaged if (when) you spill. Honestly, I think you'd be much happier getting a pedicure at a salon. It's pretty inexpensive, easy. and they do more than just paint your nails.

Since joining Td Guide and networking with many in the community and exploring much of the resource materials on transitioning, I've learned of many of the terms used, and obstacles and goals one encounters when transitioning. One that stands out is "Presentation". Presenting female for the MTF group of us and I assume the FTM group, too is a major concern and is kind of a Pre-requisite tor eventually achieving a full transition. We often think we're too tall, too heavy, too ugly, There are hundreds of videos on every category of :"presentation"; walking, talking, mannerisms, dress, make-up, electrolysis, laser, FFS, etc., and I've used the term Presenting Female myself many times. But...It always struck a chord in me. Now I know why. I now live in "Jess mode" as I'll call it from now on, 70- 80% of my time. I will no longer "present female", only "present male" when I need to for work or other similar situations....and I'll work on eliminating the need for that in the future, too.

I’d like to add that each of our authentic presentations is unique, and that’s wonderful. Speaking for myself determining that presenting (being) as a woman all the time was a bit surprising but now just feels natural. But women have many different styles and determining how I want to live in that spectrum is an ongoing adventure. I’m narrowing in and yet I’m drawn in many directions. My point is that it’s totally cool with me wherever feels right for you on the gender spectrum and within that where you reside. In fact I think it’s delightful that you’re thumbing your nose at the status quo. Be yourself, be Jess, always.

I understand and applaud you. Just present as Jess and screw the rest. The only important thing is for you to feel good in your own skin. Besides that nothing matters.

I hope this one turns out long. There's not enough good things I can say about her. In 2004 I lived in a tiny craphole apartment. It was in a rundown part of a dead town, in a rundown building. I was single and on disability. The landlords accepted section 8 housing so my rent was lowered from $350 to $160. I had internet which was $50 and cable TV which was another $50. All the utilities like power, water, sewer, etc were included in the rent so my total monthly bills were only $260. For a single guy living on his own, it wasn't bad. I hadn't even admitted to myself at the time that I'm a woman not a man so that's why I'm using the male pronoun. I had been single since I was 18, which was about 4 years. But during that time I was using, so I wouldn't have been any good to anyone anyway. I had only been fully clean for a few months. I logged into my email one day just looking at what I had and decided to look thru my junk mail. I had my inbox set to exclusive due to the fact that I got so much junk mail it was sickening. Why I decided to look thru my junk mail folder on this particular night I don't know. Fate perhaps. As I was looking thru it, I saw an email that seemed different. It was a womans name and the subject was simply "Hello". I was intrigued and decided to take a chance. I was blown away when I read it. It was a real email. A girl a few years younger than me had seen my profile on yahoo. She thought I was cute and sent me an email. I sent her a message on messenger and we talked for about an hour or so. We decided to meet that night. Crazy I know. For all we knew the other one was a serial killer. But after a quick shower I drove up to meet her. That was when my life changed forever. As soon as I saw her, the same thought kept going thru my head. "Damn she's cute". She was sweet and friendly. We talked about a bit of everything for a few hours. I had expected no more than the possibility of a good night kiss at most. More happened. She even ended up coming home with me that night. Again, I know, it was crazy. We started dating. Staying overnight with each other for extended periods regularly. After about 6 months of that, I felt that going back and forth like that was pointless, and asked her to move in with me. She got the biggest smile on her face, gave me a huge hug and kiss, and we were officially living together. That would have been somewhere near spring of 2005. We met in October of 04, so do the math and it would have been March or April. Somewhere in that area. After a while we grew to hate the apartment. It was too small for 2 people, lugging groceries up 2 flights of stairs was killing us, the neighbors were words I can't use here. We'll just say they were unpleasant. And the town, being a dead town, offered nothing to do for recreation. We had to travel almost 40 miles if we wanted to do something other than walk streets that were a drug den. The town has been listed as the worst meth town by ratio in the United States. Several kids I went to school with are in prison right now for running a kitchen. But I'm getting off topic. Her parents went to an estate auction and bought the property. It was a quaint little house in the country, in a really quiet area. You could really get away from everything there. Unfortunately she was taking some college courses back in town which was about a half hour drive, and I was at the house all day and night. This caused a rift between us. I had cabin fever, and she just wanted to rest after being in class all day. I didn't have my license at the time. I had waited too long to renew it. So I couldn't go anywhere. I could go to town with her when she went to school, but I'm in no way a morning person, and what could I do for entertainment? Nothing because I wasn't registered as a student, and in a dead town there's nothing to do but walk around. Her birthday rolled around in 2006. I was flat broke. I had asked her parents blessing to marry her some months before. They gave it. So since I was broke, I took a ring that meant something to me. It was a simple hematite band, nothing more. I told her to close her eyes. I put the ring in her hand. I got on one knee. Told her to open her eyes, and asked her to marry me. With the exception of watching my friend die, I've never been that scared in my life. She didn't waste any time in saying yes. I had to tell her to let go because I couldn't breathe. She was crying, kissing me hugging me, and almost immediately called her mother to tell her. The next year and a half was our engagement. She wanted a long engagement to make sure we had everything taken care of and didn't miss anything. When we started planning I told her that there were only two things that I demanded. No church, no priest. I'm not Christian so I wouldn't have a Christian wedding. Other than that everything was her choice. She was fine with it. We got married on Saturday October 11th 2008 at the Kansas City Renaissance Festival. October 11th was the day we met in 2004. We wanted to keep that day. She was more beautiful than I had seen her that day. I wore a kilt, as did my brother who stood with me. He was the only one from my side that even showed up. We had more of a pagan wedding than anything, mostly due to me being a Celt. That was a gift from her that meant a lot to me. Today we've been married for over 10 years and together for over 14. The road hasn't always been smooth, but we've fought through. If it wasn't for her I most likely would still be living in that craphole apartment. Or worse. I wouldn't be able to be the woman I am. I would be a hermit. I would be a forgotten presence. Adrianne saved me. I made the following video for her.