Leaderboard

Well. I had that long anticipated and dreaded "talk" with my son today that his Dad was transgender. He's 23 years old; we're very. very close, and have gotten even closer since his mother passed away. He works in a field that typically is full of "transgender bashing jokes", and has had very little if any exposure to the reality of gender diversity. All he has heard comes from his peers who are equally clueless. So, he came over today and I told him that I had something very important to discuss with him; that it was a very difficult thing to discuss, and the mere fact that we're gonna have this conversation shows how important he is to me. (He blurts out "you have a girlfriend!!??) Long pause...……………………."No, not that simple." Something that I've known since I was about 8 years old and have been ignoring it and putting it off and off and off, hoping it would go away, but it keeps creeping up again in my psyche. In the meantime, I said, he and his mother always came first and I've always made sure that the family and the business was taken care of first. Well. I've been seeing a psychologist for a while now and do you know what gender dysphoria is? He wasn't sure, so I explained it. Right off the bat, he said so what; if it makes you happier with your life he was all for it . I said I was, but he will likely have a lot of questions down the road and I would like to teach him about it and him to learn more about it and hopefully he would eventually become my biggest advocate. He said of course he would. No problem!!!!!😍😎😲💕. He asked if that meant I would like men, I said no, I like woman, but regardless I wasn't open for any kind of intimate relationships now, and explained sexual orientation is un-related and a different thing. He asked how soon I would change, I said I didn't know for sure, I was beginning hormones next week and I'll see what happens from there. That was the gist of my coming out, I tried to keep it simple upon the excellent advice of my therapist. We will have many, many more discussions, but the likelihood of his being on board and becoming my greatest cheerleader is a good probability. By the way, he didn't have a clue before today.

Hi Tilly, I'm sorry for your experience and loss. Might I suggest that you reach out to your pastor for a quiet and private meeting? As you said, you're confident she came over out of love and, evidently, it backfired. Sounds to me like she'd appreciate the opportunity to learn from your experience and, who knows, maybe you'll patch things up.

I was coming home this evening and listening to the local radio station, taking advantage of being in an area with actual radio coverage is nice, it was a traditional Scottish tunes show they were playing a Military two step, and it hit me. If I am going to be Dee I am going to have to learn how to dance again! Scottish country dancing is done in village halls across the highlands at every wedding and major event - especially New Years and is something you learn to do at school- but I have learnt all these as a man, and will have to learn them all again from the other side! Ceilidh dancing is amazing fun and actually knowing the dance is secondary to joining in. I really panicked when I remembered that I will also have to re-learn a strip the willow, not to so much the dance as they male and female parts are not really different, but doing one in heels OMG! 😳😳 I have to learn to dance in heels, there is so much spinning!!!! 🤢😳 💃 At a certain point you can kick off your shoes and just dance in stockinged feet, but ettiquette dictates not at the beginning of the evening. It will be nice not having to cross the hall to go and ask for the pleasure of a dance though, I always hated that trial of fire! Here are a couple of links for folk who do not know what I am talking about. If you ever get the chance - do it!

They are a lot of fun Jess! Just one of those things that you do not think much about because you only need to remember the dances once or twice a year. Wearing flats would be the sensible option, as some of the students are in the clips above, but ceilidhs are also a chance to get dressed up too! It just struck me as funny that I will have to learn to be led (the male partner usually leads the dance) and how to spin in heels without falling over, something else to practice when I do not have the kids! Of course that all assumes that I will be invited to dances but Hogmanay will happen regardless of where/who I am. Strange to be thinking about it like that though too

My ex wife was on the phone today as we sorted out the childcare for the upcoming Easter holidays and swapped updates with how the children are getting on at school (currently my son lives with me and my daughter lives with her during the week and we alternate weekends with both - it will change to just 50% during holidays soon as my ex is almost certainly going to be moving out of the area and my daughter will want to go with her mum - our kids are about as happy as they can be in the circumstances). The frustration comes with the delay in the divorce, I thought it would be coming through in the next couple of weeks, but now the courts want more money from her to finalise the agreement so it will be another 3-6 weeks depending on when she has the money to get it done. This is a very busy time for me and I was really hoping to get one thing ticked off my stress list. The sooner the divorce is finalised the more content I will be that if she discovers I am trans before I want it out in the world then she will not be able to alter the childcare arrangements without getting the courts involved. The other frustration is aimed squarely at myself. If I had called the gender clinic when I first started questioning I would only have a month or two to wait for an appointment, but instead I have to wait until October. I spend most of my time in bed at the moment trying unsuccessfully to imagine what my life would be like if I chose to transition to female. Trying to work out a kind of pro/con scenario about my family & friends, my work and which colleagues would disown me and what direction my life would take in general. Some aspects and connections I am making in my work as male me at the moment are going very well and they would all need to change significantly. Transitioning will be a permanent change - there is no going back to just being me. I keep finding myself wanting to tell people on some days and then worrying that the more people I tell the more pressure there will be to actually transition. May will soon be here and with it the pride weekend I have promised my niece we would go to - yet I have still only been out once, am I ready to turn up for a full weekend as Dee? Do I really want to do it with my niece, who is young enough to accept it without worrying but has enough of her own issues and insecurities? I keep sabotaging myself, I am not exercising and somehow keep buying bars of chocolate even when I know I need to lose weight and will not be able to fit into the clothes I own soon if I keep it up. I have increased my veg intake substantially but my eating habit is terrible at the moment, especially in the evenings. Do I feel like this because I do not think I will make a "good woman"? - which I think means shaking off the perception of just being a man acting like a woman, or do I feel this way because a part of me knows I should not transition and have just been enjoying an extended "wouldn't it be nice if I could start again" escape scenario since last October. Or do I feel this way because of the magnitude of actually being openly female in front of people whose opinions I care about scares the crap out of me? Am I fighting it just because I am transphobic on some level? It seems to be fine for everyone else, just not for me at the moment. Am I just looking for excuses to continue being "cis'' and forget all this? I have spent my life trying to blend in to the background, to not be noticed or stand out except when I have to, and this is something that will 100% prevent me from doing that. It is hard to tell which side I am making the excuses for. I do not want to transition, but I Need to be authentic and honest with myself and the people around me.. If I understand the definitions correctly I have more social and emotional dysphoria than physical dysphoria - it is more like I experience euphoria when I physically look like how I mentally feel. I do not even know if that is the right way to express my feelings but if becoming Dee is so right why is it such a struggle?

Aw - go on, pretty please! Seriously though, thanks for taking the time to comment on my rambling - I am trying to be honest with myself, but find that emotionally I flip flop all over the place and that makes it really hard to come to a level of calm where I can visualise walking into the clinic and express, "this is how I feel and this is what I would like to do about it at the moment.". I don't know how I feel other than confused and frightened, which is not a good way to be, and I don't know what I need to do about it all!

Dee, "Transitioning will be a permanent change - there is no going back to just being me." Indeed, telling others that you're trans — intentionally or otherwise — isn't something you can take back. But, there are things you can do to test the water before coming out. It might help you to give yourself some patience. Would you like some ideas/thoughts on that? " I spend most of my time in bed at the moment trying unsuccessfully to imagine what my life would be like if I chose to transition to female. Trying to work out a kind of pro/con scenario about my family & friends, my work and which colleagues would disown me and what direction my life would take in general." I know what you mean and I felt that way too. I suggest that the first step is to accept that we can't control other people. They may be supportive and loving, unsupportive, or somewhere in between. It's your life, and up to you to decide what you need to do/be to be authentic to yourself. "Am I fighting it just because I am transphobic on some level?" Answer: YES! Remember that "phobia" = "fear" and you'd be crazy not to be fearful. It's what our amygdala does for us. It tries to protect us from the scary monsters and things like that. It's perfectly normal to feel these fears, all of them. "I do not want to transition, but I Need to be authentic and honest with myself and the people around me.. If I understand the definitions correctly I have more social and emotional dysphoria than physical dysphoria - it is more like I experience euphoria when I physically look like how I mentally feel." I didn't want to transition either. And even as I proceeded I didn't expect/anticipate what aspects of transition applied to me. I think you have to determine that, slowly step-by-step, by yourself with a therapist (ideally). I also know what you mean about the euphoria. I certainly felt that way too. These days it's less and less. I just am another (somewhat older) woman in the world, living her life. I like getting dressed in something nice that feels good, and hanging out with friends. But I also like going hiking, cooking, and playing with my cat. I also do woodworking, gardening, watch movies. I can't tell you what you should/shouldn't do. I hope that through small steps before you come out publicly that you can experience those steps — scary as they may be — and discover that yes, it feels right. You have to allow a little time for the euphoria to dissipate to know your true feelings. And then, cross another bridge, and another...

I struggle with the same thing and now that divorce is probably going to happen the trans stuff will be used against me. My sister yelled at me and said get out of your house and let it all go! She was right. I’m just going to be myself as much as I can. I will make concessions for my family but getting out more as christa has been very uplifting. Like Jess said take as much Dee with you as you feel comfortable doing. That’s what I am doing and it is scary at times but I just push a little bit and then add more when I’m ready. Also hanging out with my tg friends as me has really helped. As far as the clinic goes, be a little pushy. The squeaky wheel always gets the grease. 😘

Hi Dee. I reacted to your post with a "💜" largely because many of the frustrations you expressed have been shared and similarly experienced by myself. I can only say how my thoughts evolved to where I am now. It seems like the timing of your divorce is out of your control for now, so I would place that in "things to look forward to " category of my life priorities and focus more on those I have more control of in moving forward. I also agree with the necessity of guarding your gender openness until the divorce is finalized, but the time will come when that is behind you, too. Similarly the long wait you have for your gender clinic appointment is equally frustrating, but the stress can be alleviated by using the time to prepare for and the process. If you haven't yet, I would seek a competent gender therapist, as the clinic may require it before moving forward which will result in more waiting time. It is not an easy task to "live authentically" when my whole life I've always known deep down, but built my relationships, my employment, my goals around a gender identification that was incorrect, but it is exhilarating to make that journey to authenticity. My "mind" had to learn first before my "body" could express it, if that makes any sense? It's like slowly but surely, I'm shedding my baggage, and my shoulders are getting lighter and lighter all the time. For your thoughts surrounding what relationships will be like as Dee, remember YOU OWN YOURSELF NOW, therefore no one can ever disown you. That's probably the most gratifying feeling of living authentically for me; before now and throughout my life I was always "owned" by what I was supposed to do for others, and disregarded what I needed to do for me. You do not need to tell anyone until such time it is right for you and you will know when that time is right. Enjoy pride weekend with your niece and take as little or as much of Dee with you as your comfortable with and enjoy the time owning yourself. It's never been a struggle for me becoming Jessica; the struggle lied in losing the self identity as cis male that should never have been mine to begin with.

You might want to add Ensure to your diet until you dental woes are over. It will supply you with necessary nutrients and protien that you might miss out on due to dietary restrictions at the moment. Today there are about four or five flavours and at least two strengths. -Mike

Hi Jessica, I wish the talk I had with my son had gone that well!!! He was kind of "wierded out" at first, but seems to be coming around now. It sounds to me like your son has a kind and loving soul 😃!!!!! All the best to you and your son.......Emily

Hi Jess, thank you for sharing ❤️❤️💓 - it is wonderful that you had such a great result with "the talk", your son loves you unconditionally, yay! X

Last week I had an opportunity to attend my second Transgender Conference in Pennsylvania; having only attending my first just 8 weeks earlier in Boston. I hadn't really definitively planned to, but another TG member offered to share the cost of accommodations at the Convention Center and the schedule fell in line with my planned travel from Florida to NY. My first Event, in Boston, appropriately billed as The First Event, was a big test for me. Having preparing for many years to step out in public as Jessica, but never having actually done that, I wanted to see my comfort level in presenting authentically for a continuous and relatively prolonged length of time. My first time going out in public was 3 days prior to the start of the convention and I remained Jess continuously for 10 days after. That experience met and exceeded my expectations; it was like falling back into a huge, plush, sofa that I just didn't want to get up from. Well, responsibility always calls, and you have to answer, but from that point on I really got into high gear with "living authentically". ( using the term "transitioning" bothers me immensely in that it infers I'm becoming someone new, rather than finally accepting and living as someone I've always been).🙋‍♀️ So about 6 weeks after First Event, I was off to the Keystone Conference, aptly footnoted as " A Celebration of Gender Diversity". One week earlier I moved into my new Florida home, living entirely authentically, and now was off to Harrisburg, Pennsylvania. I met many from First Event there and it was very special to remember their names and chat again briefly about how we've been doing since. The icing on the cake, however, was the opportunity to share the Keystone experience with someone from the TG forum and having the time to get to know each other better as one girlfriend to another. I really look forward to continuing that special friendship; my first as Jessica. There were workshops Thursday, Friday And Saturday during the day covering many topics; I focused largely on those dealing with GRS, FFS, non surgical procedures, make-up, and the like. All were very good and I learned a lot to add to what I learned from First Event. The dinner outings were also great, but I gained 4 solid pounds (Ugh), breakfast, luncheons and dinners throughout. Several keynote speakers for the luncheons and Saturday banquet were all right on; but the most significant thing I've taken away from the whole experience is that the overall public perception of gender diversity is changing rapidly and on the verge of acceptance. We should be seen, not try to "hide" ourselves; learn to be more comfortable out there and be our own "goodwill ambassadors" when in public for the community we are all a part of. I will post more on specific topics from the convention down the road that should be of interest to those that were unable to attend. Jess😍

Attagirl Jess! I applaud your coming out authentically as yourself. I know what you mean about that word “transition”; for me, I think about it’s mean that I’m transitioning to my authentic self. But as we know that transgender is an umbrella that authenticity can be quite different from one to another. I wonder: where did you see yourself on that spectrum, say, a year ago versus now? The reason I ask is only because I was surprised to find myself continuing to inexorably move toward the right side of the Benjamin scale. I think these conferences are so wonderful. I attended my first in August of 2017 which seems like such a short time ago. Like you, I’d never gone out in public like that, presenting as authentically as I could. Those three days were scary and exhilarating. I agree that in “bubbles” like Boston and Seattle that we are accepted and somewhat applauded. I also agree how important it is for us to push ourselves to proudly just be ourselves in the communities, and demonstrate that we’re nothing to be concerned about in a negative way. We are as normal as anyone else. Through that I hope that more and more people will gain understanding and comfort.

I echo Emma - Tilly you do NOT have to meet with anyone you do not wish to & certainly not to get ganged up on - more than that meeting with you to talk and try to understand where you are and how they can support you is one thing, meeting with the intention to challenge and bully you is quite another. If you feel compelled to meet with everyone out of respect to your parents then you set the boundaries before everyone sits down and if anyone oversteps them or disrespects you, or even talks over you then leave them to tear each other down because nothing about doing that comes from the Bible. 😡

It’s entirely up to you whether or not you meet the pastor with your folks. It’s your life, you’re an adult, so it’s your decision. Yes, you’re folks might be upset. That’s their problem and they can meet with her (without you) if they wish. With awareness of that you might meet privately with the pastor before to provide her with specific feedback about how she overstepped with you and your wife, and how unhelpful and disturbing her comments were. And, if she wishes you to attend a meeting including your parents she needs to be much more considerate and diplomatic. Otherwise you won’t attend. Obviously all this is up to you. I understand a reluctance to violating your parents wishes but if the meeting is simply a repeat of the last one if’s a waste of time and worse, your emotional health,

If you read my blog My First 18 you'll get and idea why I refuse to trust.

Is there a chance the pastor was just visiting? Your wording of an intervention suggests otherwise, hopefully they were not patronising, there are affirming churches and pastors out there Tilly so even if this pastor struggles to understand you, others won't.

I also have deep challenges to trusting people, especially people such as friends, lovers... even my own children. My feelings don't sound as deep as yours but we have parallels. Of course I don't know from where your feelings emerge. I believe mine come from a very awkward, uncomfortable, and untrusting childhood. Knowing that I can put my feelings in context but it feels impossible to dismiss them. I'm continually amazed that people seem to like and love me. When we are apart I gradually assume the worst. And then, suddenly. they reach out, we go have dinner or something, and wow - I was so wrong. Perhaps that's why you feel the way you do about people here on TG Guide. We keep returning to you nonjudgmentally with love and support. I hope that helps you, I really do.

Thanks Emma, It is apparently a reasonably common side effect, I have done some reading (and have since gone back to do some more lol) and it is due to the thermolysis but as a general rule it should improve by the 7-10 day mark, if it is still as raw looking I will speak to someone though - if it does what it is supposed to do it will be worth it. I cannot stand the roughness of my face just now though. At a Christmas dinner last year I was sat next to a lady that had far more of a beard than I, but she was a crofter and an ex policewoman to boot so she very much just does her own thing and doesn't worry about anyone else's opinion. It would be nice if the rest of the world was so full self assurance that whiskers were not such a big deal! enjoy your fashion party.

Spent an entire week in Florida presenting myself in a very simple fashion as a woman. A life time of experiences this trip. So much to describe. The attached photo is me in Universal Studios. I did not enhance my natural body for this trip, just wore all women's sportswear top to bottom. My breasts in my sports bra were noticeable but I was not trying to bring too much attention to them. I remember when I entered the park when the photo was taken one of the attendants said "I really like your Turquois Outfit," one of her favorite looks. I have over 20 great photos to share along with my neat story. So more soon. :)

Hey Tilly, Good for you! I started HRT just over a year and a half ago. I'd always read about how people loved it so much but I suspected that they were experiencing some sort of endorphin rush to be doing something and that the feelings would dissipate as time passed. I wasn't surprised then when I also felt so good. I was surprised at how the feelings were pretty constant. It was like my body was breathing a sigh of relief. I'd never seriously contemplated GCS since I was afraid that I'd never be certain that I wouldn't have regrets about losing my penis. A year ago I suddenly realized that GCS was the right thing for me: I was certain that I truly didn't care about those floppy bits that had been with me for so long. But there were two main issues: 1) getting insurance coverage, 2) choosing a surgeon and getting on their schedule so I wouldn't have to wait for years. Insurance coverage for trans healthcare vary quite a lot across the US which is a result of different state laws. California and Washington (state) are excellent, and there are several others too. I hope you live somewhere where you will have this coverage. The costs are otherwise prohibitive for most. So start your research and thinking. There's no rush and no cost to do this sort of thing. Knowledge is power and you'll feel stronger and more confident with more knowledge. Best wishes, Emma

It's been a while since I wrote here, so I thought I would fill in some of what's going on...I am doing well with myself. My folks are coming to grips with me being me, and my sister is still my biggest cheerleader. Now for the moving forward bit. I had my annual physical this past Friday, and my doctor is sending me to an endocrinologist for the purpose of starting HRT. I am also still thinking about surgery, and now leaning in favor of surgery. Thanks for reading my randomness. Tilly

Yes, put me in a good mood this morning after watching! (was already in a good mood, but really, really good, now). Found myself skipping, stomping and clapping in my seat! Maybe strange thoughts now, but get used to those; the kind of the thoughts we always wished we could enjoy and express..🙋‍♀️

Sounds like such fun! Love the music as well as the dance.😊

Gigi Gorgeous Book launch at Indigo at Toronto (homecoming from L.A. to Toronto) Hello everyone, I went to the book launch event where Gigi was being interviewed by ET Canada front of live audiences. I have uploaded full recording of how she talks about transitioning, family members, coming out, her YouTube channel, writing the book & most of all the importance of soul within transgenders, I was inspired by her down to Earth approach on her fame to rise as a m to f transitioning women. Source https://youtu.be/fZ0B9tj8Yfw

"100% not presenting male has begun today. (actually did 12 days ago, but today I know for sure I never will again!)." whoop whoop! Congratulations on being fully you 24/7 xx 🎉

Well, this week (today), took my first doses for HRT.🙋‍♀️😊. Spiro and estrogen injection. Should have started one week ago, but one screw up after another delayed things unnecessarily. First my lab results were not timely faxed from my PCP to my Gender Specialist. Friday, Monday calls then finally Tuesday morning when they still weren't faxed I had to demonstrate what Jess can be like on hormones and they were sent right over despite being available since the previous Friday. Then it was time to play with the insurance company, don't get me wrong, I'm thankful for the coverage, but hurdling more obstacles are totally unnecessary, but seems to me we're heading towards getting rid of the Docs and the insurance companies are taking that role more and more. Scary! Well some additional things taken care of this week..., Came out to my supplier and 2 clients/customers today, and have put out a call to a major one to do the same. Have several luncheons with them next week and the time has come for "Jessica" to attend them. I already know there will not be an issue. So.... 100% not presenting male has begun today. (actually did 12 days ago, but today I know for sure I never will again!). Ahhhh, what a feeling😍

My children and my family are those I am most worried about, I cannot tell my children until my divorce is finalised but I am almost there with my family now, I have always had a good relationship with my sisters so I am so thankful that it will continue regardless - my work will not be told until much further down the line and it will be the same for the majority of my friends, because going out publicly will probably go hand in hand with a work relocation to a more accepting area. I know that 99% of my friends will be absolutely fine, a few of the guys may find it a bit weird but overall I know some great people. This was a major worry for me and to not have it any more nearly made me well up with gratitude. (I just struggle to well up at the moment)

This week I have finally started to become emotionally okay with being Transgender. Intellectually I knew it months ago, but internally I have been fighting it whether I meant to or not. Being transgender was great for other people, but just a headache and not okay for me. It messes up too may areas in my life.Thanks to the support and encouragement from many of the people I have met online I am starting to look at it differently and without quite so much of the panic and feelings of being sucked under by a current out of my control. There is a set of "would you rather" questions I have seen trans Youtubers ask when talking about being trans and one of them is; if you were stranded on an Island for the rest of your life with no chance of rescue and there were male and female clothes in front of you which would you choose to wear - even though no one will see how will you present? for me the obvious and practical answer is both - over time you would wear all the clothes depending on what wore out, how cold it got and what you were doing...my brain is a weird and wonderful place and with both children being classified with ASD I do wonder if I am undiagnosed sometimes. But I have recently lived through that same question in a different context. My kids have gone away for the week with their mum and I have dressed a couple of times while relaxing around the house. I woke up the other day and looked at the two piles of clothes at the end of my bed - one male and one female, and I asked myself who would I rather be? I am not going anywhere, no one will see me - if I am 100% honest which clothes would I rather get up on put on? Do I want to be male or female? I chose the female leggings and tee. It was an important moment for me though. I realised that when all is said and done, this is how I see myself. This is not a sexy outfit, but a comfortable one. This is not an overly effeminate dress to go with heels for some imaginary night out where I am a perfect vision of my female self. This is just me, being me on an average day, and given the absolute freedom to choose I would wear these types of clothes in a heartbeat because they match how I feel. So with all of the wonderful support and encouragement I have received I effectively woke up finally accepting on an emotional level something that I have intellectually known for a few months, I am transgender - being afraid of accepting it has crippled me, I don't want to be transgender - life is easier as a cis male. Why not just ignore it and hope it goes away? My life does not have to change, but in order to stay that way I will have to acknowledge that I am lying to myself about who I am, and I will have to accept that I will never wake up and choose those female clothes. As a parent and as a person how can I tell others that they are okay and accepted for who they are if i could not do the same for myself? I have to say that I still do not know how far I will take things, I have mentally blocked the bigger idea of transitioning from male to female in order to concentrate on the smaller focus of spring cleaning my life out - removing those masks and getting rid of the parts I really do not need or want in my life any more. As others have said - becoming a more authentic and hopefully more content me. I had the opportunity to meet up with my younger sisters, who do not know (I am the middle child of 4 sisters and have told the eldest two, but no one else in the family we are a close knit family as there is only 2 years between each sibling and the youngest two are twins) - their partners are very nice but manly men - a professional cyclist and an engineer with a black belt in aikido (could be another martial art but you get the idea) - the twins were an unknown because as adults we are not as close as we used to be although we still keep in touch. We took a walk up a big hill - walking is a common thread in our family, one my older sisters came along and passed a comment about how my face was looking a lot better today (thanks sis!) which made one of the twins ask why, what had happened to my face? so I pretty much had to tell her once the kids were out of earshot, there was going to be no chickening out. Both were surprised but after all of the build up in my head and fears it turned out to be a total non event. The youngest said that as far as she was concerned she wants me to know that she loves me and always will and that she is always available if I need her. We only have one life to live and if being female makes me happy then go for it. The other sister said that she couldnt even begin to understand going through that kind of crisis of identity but to know that she loves me even if we are crap at keeping in touch and that I am not alone, I can always phone her or drop by and not to worry about being DeeDee or male me. Later once the kids had gone to bed my sisters cracked open a bottle of wine and the youngest asked a few more questions - she is very like my Canadian friend in personality, so she asked when this all started and pointed out that the marriage exploding was very close to the fancy dress party, so I brought up the other things like stealing their clothes since I was 8 and started to talk about playing with their friends when we were younger and being more comfortable in womens company than mens and she pointed out that I grew up with sisters. I agreed - a lot of what other people use as atypical activity - playing with dolls, dressing up and playing imaginary games, coreographing dancing, playing cartwheel and handstands, jumping rope, hop scotch were all just normal for me growing up even though I accepted I was a boy. I pointed out though that other men are brought u in all female households and do not question their gender - as far being trans goes if you sit and question it then you probably are because "normal" people (this is just phrasing and not meant to offend) just don't question the gender they are assigned at birth because they are comfortable in their skin. I have felt emotionally and socially inadequate and not quite right my entire adult life and so I need to take this seriously and explore it so I do not turn into our mum or try to commit suicide because the statistics are genuinely terrifying. I should point out that none of the above was confrontational, my baby twin sisters are not identical and the eldest, me and the youngest all look alike, I said that accepting me as I was sat dressed as I am is one thing, but if I rocked up in a skirt and wig it would be a different thing altogether, so I pulled up a photo of me in my blond wig and showed them. My sister then said that I looked more like her twin than her twin does lol, so she took my glasses and took a photo of herself (she has straight blond hair) other than the eyebrows and the fact that I am bigger in the face we really do look almost identical - they both found it funny and I was told that I better go to them for fashion advice, it prompted a discussion about dressing inappropriately for the environment and making yourself stand out even more. I said that I will probably just change slightly to begin with, my sister suggested small earrings and I know that now they have seen me as Dee that initial shock will not be a big deal when the time comes. We talked about me moving away from where I am so I can be somewhere more accepting, my baby sister does not want me getting beaten up! (she would easily beat up anyone that started on me on a night out - she has training) and even though I could not stay late I am so grateful for my sisters. They told me not to worry about their respective partners as both are laid back, and both have reinforced the fact that if I need them they are here for me - regardless of geographical location. Our family has gone through a lot - they were not expecting to hear that their brother has daydreamed about being their sister when I arrived, but they know that this is not a knee jerk reaction, that I am taking it seriously and not rushing and they have offered to support me. Another massive weight and worry lifted off my shoulders! I only have my mum left to tell who is going to be very difficult as she has created a big thing around me being the only boy of the family, our relationship is close and has been since my dad died when I was a teen, but that is also a big part of the reason why I was trying to be the man he was in my eyes and failed miserably. If my mum accepts me then I will be able to face anything else, if she does not then it will be very hard for a while, but at least all of my sisters will stand up for me. I am sitting in a very good place today emotionally and just wanted to share.

This is a wonderful and important step for you; sharing yourself with some of those most important to you. I know the gratification that comes from that, especially when it turns out to be a "non-event". I'm finding those "non-events" are ironically our biggest barriers to moving forward, and am now thinking ahead of that curve to get in front of them. Enjoy your week of freedom.☺️

I may have to print this out Jess and start using it as a focal point x I definitely need to learn to love my reflection and unearth the buried parts of me...Thank you x Monica - if you were in the same room you would give you such a hug right now! 🤭🤗 thank you too x

Dear DeeDee, In my opinion, a "good woman," whether transgender or cisgender, is judged by her character. In my book, DeeDee, you are a good woman! Your friend, Monica

Okay....your "pass" is granted!!! LOL. Every morning, awaken and look in the mirror and love what you see. Learn how to loose the fear and awkwardness in presenting and go out into the world proud of being your true self. Discover new friends and relationships that have always been around you, but you've never seen before. Unearth your buried personality and be in awe how it is now growing and flourishing like it never has before. Go to sleep every night knowing that tomorrow there will be something new and exciting to look forward to again and again. Laugh at yourself and see the humor, grace, love, and compassion in many others at the same time. See what it's like to never stop smiling, and really, really appreciating the life given to you. But seriously, too, these are some of the things I never expected, they just came out of the blue. Keep your options open, go with your gut and be honest with yourself first and foremost. I think my decision became truly cemented only just a short time ago, and now have not had a thought of regret or fear, since Time is on your side. 🙋‍♀️

Ellen being very visible at the "Spaces " art showing last Saturday in Washington DC by Molly Byron for the Washington Blade magazine . Shown also is her scale model of the Crossroads Coffee house

Thanks Jess and Christa, the NHS is slightly different - if I had had the courage to continue the phonecall when I was still unsure I would be closer to speaking with someone - they will put me in touch with a therapist and it will not cost me anything because I have been paying for it my entire working life, the private counselling sessions I stopped because at the time I was starting to accept being transgender and would rather pay for hair removal which I have started. Some of that will be covered by the NHS too, but from what I have read usually not enough. I think this is important for me to learn - not to try and envision a finished womanly version of me - but just a me free of all the parts of me I don't want - I just fluctuate so much between acceptance and sheer fear of abandoning my male life. It's really all I've known. It's like - I am happy and excited for you all as I see you take steps and get closer to who you are and yet at the same time I am too afraid to acknowledge that I am trying to do a similar thing?

Also I have had times when I questioned whether or not I could actually do this. At those times I just take a deep breath and then take a step back. I just stop thinking about the future. I focus on the day. It can be so overwhelming at times that I just need a break from my own mind. It seems to help.

Totally awesome 👏🏻. You know how I feel 😘 great pic by the way 😉

I shaved properly (with a razor instead of my electric shaver) for the first time since my laser this morning and because I knew I would have the house to myself i put on my prettiest black dress and a pair of heels I bought ages ago but will never wear out because the heels are far too impractical... I wanted to see if it made me feel girly as I feel like Dee has been very quiet recently, not gone just not as loud or as certain as she has been. After teetering around making myself a late breakfast my intention was to sit and get some work done on my computer but instead I sat watching "Am I trans enough" videos on Youtube. An hour later I had taken the dress off as my libido was kicking in, dressing female has been heavily ingrained with satisfaction that my body responds automatically quite frequently and I end up horny without quite meaning or wanting to. I came back to the laptop and watched a couple of other videos of people and was disheartened again by the narrative of "I've always known" and "it was change or die" that I always seem to find hard because that has not been my personal experience, the Youtuber said that for her she went to a doctor and had done the Cogiati test, ans was told of course you are trans just get on with it. This is 10+ years ago. Out of interest I googled it and took the test, (3 times lol) I think I got the same thing now that I did when I was going through my online test phase late October - each time I fall into category 4 "Probable Transexual". "What this means is that the Combined Gender Identity And Transsexuality Inventory has classified your internal gender identity to be essentially feminine, but with some masculine or androgynous traits. It is very possible that you are a candidate for a diagnosis of transsexualism. You show a strong degree of gender dysphoria. At the very least, further investigation should be undertaken. Your COGIATI score places you among the majority of those diagnosed as transsexuals, the 'late onset' transsexual." (the words above are copied straight from the site and are starting to show their age) Lol - even the online quiz, which by the third time of taking it I must have been deliberately attempting to skew answers while still being honest only uses words like "probable". I know that others have taken this test and that in reality it means diddly squat. My score floated somewhere between 170 and 205, though the site doesnt tell you out of what, last time I used a site that had the gradings and scores etc... The 205 was actually when I took the test the first time today, so in fact I became more masculine in my answers as I attempted to become more feminine lol. Problem is I cannot lie, and some of the questions are hard to answer and I never moved out of the same bracket. It seems that I am destined to not have someone tell me one way or the other - although a few very kind people online have told me that I am a transperson because of the content and thoughts that I have shared and that one day soon I will embrace it and move on. I do not really see any of these online tests as being indicative one way or another. I think that a part of me accepts that I must be trans to even want to be seen and recognised as a woman while a part of me just sees this whole process as one long irrevocable disaster waiting to happen. Every online piece of advice states categorically that you should not transition unless you are sure, but that seems to be a luxury that I am not able to afford. I was asked recently if I have a goal or a plan and I honestly do not. My only goal is to truly know who I am and to accept myself. Inner peace will lead to outer peace, I just want to do that with as little drama as possible. Unfortunately while I appear all calm and casual on the outside, inside my brain and emotions are tumbling around like a washing machine on a spin cycle. On the plus side though I have been able to laugh at myself today instead of just sighing. Which I take to be a good sign. x

Haha Jess, yes I thought I was past the online test nonsense by now, but I think I was seeking some form of external validation. That is wonderful to hear - believe me, I think I have probably spent 100's of hours trying to find youtubers and bloggers who simply transitioned because they knew it was the right thing to do and not the only thing to do. My gut just needs to get into gear and tell me if Dee is worth the risk. I feel like I am in a holding pattern and have to decide before October which path I want to explore - I can't keep on doing the buying, dressing and purging for excitement knowing that there is more behind it than just being a turn on. So do I choose life as insecure single male me or life as insecure single female me... 🙄👸

Sounds like a great day! ☺️ Hope it can extend into your weekend, too. Always good to laugh at yourself, at the very least keep smiling at yourself, because you know what no one else knows. It can't be tested; I gave those up a long time ago! I did a 415 score on the "Cogiati" and thought the white ambulance was gonna knock on my door any second, LOL. Never had a suicidal thought in my life, and if I never transitioned I'd probably be okay, but damn I've never been Happier than since I put my foot down and said I'm gonna do this! I'm just go with my gut feeling now because I know what no one else knows. The mere fact that I think it means I know it.🙋‍♀️

I didn't notice much either until about 3 weeks in after constant washing, moisturizing and shaving. By the time my 2nd session came I didn't think they'd find any dark hairs, but I could feel the laser was finding a bunch. Now, 3 weeks after there are no dark hairs even after not shaving for several days. which means no shadow and that used to be a problem twice a day until I started this. Also started electrolysis a week after my first laser and that's pretty tedious. Still have to shave because of the light hair growing; but now making a dent in that too. Most of what's left is on my neck and lower jowls. Sure glad I didn't purge this time!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LOL

Funny, you said, "what on earth am I doing" …..same words I used after my first session. LOL

Hi Dee, your picture looks much like my neck (and face) after my first laser session. But should by now (after a week)be almost back to normal. The reason ( I think) is that many of the hairs "zapped" need time to work their way out of the pores. Feels kind of like acne. Washing with a defoliating cleanser and using a non- oily moisturizer helps. Aloe alleviates some of the discomfort as does Witch Hazel. The good news is after my second session, the condition lasted one day, if that, and it's great not to have to worry about any "5 o'clock shadow" any more.😍

I feel a bit strange, weird, different (whatever you want to call it) when I come here. I'm more misanthropic than you can know. I absolutely despise the human race. But here at this forum it's different. I've grown to care a great deal for the people here. I feel for the first time in my life that I have an extended family of people who care for me as well. But I don't know how to process it. Also I'm sitting here waiting for it to all come crashing down, like everything else in my life has. While I care, I still can't trust. I refuse to trust anyone , online or IRL. The idea of someone caring for me scares the hell out of me. It's a total alien thought. Little green men from Mars seems more plausible. The biggest thing of all? Where do I go when it all does eventually crash down around me? Do I just use the rubble to reinforce the wall I already have up? Do I use it as ammunition against anyone who dares to get close to that wall? Do I become a hermit, move into a different room of the house and never leave again unless I have to? One thing is that part about trust. It's not that I don't trust people. It's that I WON'T trust people. I refuse to do it. There's no reason to do it. Because every person will eventually stab you in the back to make themselves feel better. It's happened with every person I've known in my life, so at 37 years old there's no reason whatsoever to think otherwise. Even professional relationships crash and burn. My former therapist was the most recent one to prove that one. My hatred for people goes far. I could be sitting in my garage, drinking a soda, listening to music, and all of a sudden see a person get slammed into by a speeding driver. I would think nothing of it. I would throw a bucket of gas on a burning person, and a bucket of water on a drowning person if they were someone that had ever wronged me. But if I was to see someone else do the same, it wouldn't phase me a bit. All people are equal in that instance. I'm not specifically going after Synagogues, or blacks, or republicans, or corporate executives. You wrong me, and your days are numbered. And I know things that should only be known by people in the CIA, FBI, ATF, and higher level police. Lethal things that should never be known by the general public. I actually make my own home made cyanide. I put a couple drops of it in hollow point bullets then seal it with a couple drops of wax from a burning candle. I've been called evil by many, and if not spot on, it's not far off. I have my rats. I have my dogs. I have my birds. They are the only ones that I've known who love unconditionally. That's probably why I value their life above human life. Yet still, I care about each and every one of you here. I love you all. Platonically of course. I would never harm anyone here intentionally. I would defend you all as fiercely as I possibly could. Which is why I feel so screwed up in my head. How do I process this insanity and confusion? Presently my soul grew stronger; hesitating then no longer, "Sir," said I, "or Madam, truly your forgiveness I implore; But the fact is I was napping, and so gently you came rapping, And so faintly you came tapping, tapping at my chamber door, That I scarce was sure I heard you"-- here I opened wide the door; -- Darkness there and nothing more

Over the next several weeks the dentist will follow up with pulling everything, then I'm getting a full set of dentures. But until then, there's still not much I can eat. The left side of my mouth had the teeth pulled long ago, so I can gum up super extremely soft stuff like canned fruit. I thought about getting some yogurt, but since that stuffs a narcotic for me, I want to stay away from it. Once I get started eating it, I go nuts. I'll eat a gallon of it if someone doesn't stop me. I ate some fruit last night, but I just feel like I need something more. Canned fruit and broth just won't cut it. Emma - I tried some leftover pasta yesterday, and it didn't go well. And no offense intended to your cooking, but I've never liked white sauce. If it's not a red sauce, then I usually don't like it.

Funny thing I overlooked! 2 weeks ago, I headed down to Florida with a U-Haul and my car in tow to close on a house there. Purged all my "boy clothes" except for the set I was wearing for my trip down. After the closing, the day after I arrived, I started unpacking and have lived authentically since, setting everything up that I needed to do. Last Tuesday, headed back to NY with a planned 4 day "pitstop" at the Keystone Transgender Conference in Pennsylvania on my way. Just got back to NY and have several things to attend to before I head back down, some of which will require boy mode presentation. UGH!!!!!!!!!!. Forgot to bring my set of boy clothes, including my shoes! HAHA. Well gonna have to go to Walmart sometime today and buy a new set. 😜 Before I head to Florida again, I'll be sure to leave them here.

I’ve read your posts and understand why you have such a hard time trusting. How could you. You need to protect yourself. Here is the safety and support that stats to break down the fear. I have watched you become less defensive and open up your heart more and more. It’s a beautiful thing to watch and read. I don’t place judgment on others because I have not walked in their shoes. Here we have a common sense of life and that helps us see past the pain. I know you have a good heart and are letting others see that little by little. That’s a great thing and warms my heart. I wish you only the best. 😊

I would definitely tell the technician. Mine always puts a cream on my face after laser or electrolysis. It helps with the inflammation and healing. I’ll ask what it is again. Plus!! Later after I wash my face I put aloe on my face. I have the plant and I cut off a small portion and open it up. Then wipe it all over my face. It’s really good for your skin and is awesome for sunburn. Which is part of laser. This all gets better as time goes on. You hair is thick and your skin is tougher than it will be. So with the thick hair you have more heat and pain. As your hair gets thinner it will be less noticeable but then your skin becomes more sensitive with hrt so the pain goes up. I would definitely get an aloe plant and keep it in a sunny window.

It will get better. I had a rash at the beginning too. It’s normal.