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Strange what sticks in a persons brain for a lifetime. This encounter that I describe below would later be recalled as I summoned the courage to start this journey, to be Lauren, to be here with you. A Short Story About a Regret Years ago When I was deep in the closet I approached my condo lobby From the parking lot I saw a trans-woman Waiting, presumably for a ride She was all decked out She looked gorgeous But I could tell I walked past her She looked at me A second of tension I simply nodded a polite smile She smiled back Lingering eye contact I should have told her how nice she looked I spent that evening wondering who she was wondering about her world wondering if I could too Next morning In the lobby I pass a gentlemen He smiled her smile What does one say? Never saw him, or her, again Thanks for reading this. Do you have a similar story to tell?

I continue to grow as a person. I have been dealing with issues my whole life. Now that I am accepting myself as who I am meant to be I find it more freeing. I am wearing more of my bras and pretty much all female outfits in public now. My breasts are sore and my nipples hurt those have been for a while now. And I haven't even taken anything to create that at all. I guess I am a lucky one. Having an overactive pituitary gland has forced my hand and forced me to accept myself. Having a higher than normal estrogen level and lower testosterone levels. My hair is softer and my body hair is growing slower. I have been exfoliating with tea tree and mint body wash and a body buffer. My skin is so soft. I am finding that I am more caring than ever. But on the down side I am over emotional sometimes. I take offense to little things that shouldn't matter. I even bought some new panties yesterday and the woman in the checkout isle said nothing about it at all. It was no big deal. I even when I was looking at some in the lingerie dept a woman who worked in the dept. Asked if I needed any help. I said I am not sure. She said if you do let me know sweetie. If you need help finding your size or anything. That made me feel really good. It's nice when you have a good experience out. Tomorrow I have a Dr appt. For refills on my back scripts but I am also gonna ask her about my gender Dysphoria. And see what happens from there. I am gonna ask if she knows of a local therapist or anything. Idk if my ins. Covers med for transitions or not. But T blockers would help I think with my Dysphoria more. There are still so many things I look at in the mirror and go darn I look way to manly I hate it. I just want to be able to be myself and really be comfortable in my own skin. I am getting there it is gonna take a while. For almost 39 years I have gone between self loathing and hatred of my body and periods of time where I liked myself. Somewhat and then back to depression and anxiety over being not who I am. I have already lost most of my friends But whatever. Maybe I can make new ones. Idk only time will tell. Thanks to everyone on here for being so friendly and accepting and loving. And there is a support group that meets 2 a month here. But only one I can attend because of work. So I may go this month and see what that's all about. This site has saved me and I am so happy to have met you all. Thanks again

An old regret of a missed opportunity for me to learn who and what I was is the topic. Of which I have many. This one I have released to the universe. I have described this one a bit in the past but I will go into more details than before and hopefully you can see the profound meaning that it had. Which I sensed at the time but didn’t truly realize until I admitted to myself I was transgender. I was 21 living Hollywood California on N Fuller Ave. in an apartment building called “The Pinnacle”. I did not choose this building personally it just worked out that way. The building was nice and new and I loved living there. I had been dressing in secret since I was 7 or 8 and by this point I knew I really wanted to be a girl but didn’t understand why. (Or that it was possible) I thought I had a fetish or was just perverse and was full of shame living on N Fuller Ave. I slowly started meeting many people and with the whole hair band craze going on I felt comfortable to try and experiment with tight jeans that were more androgynous and tops. I started letting my hair grow out and wear eyeliner. I of coarse really loved it and had some girlfriends that helped me. Some of them were models and I freakin loved the way they looked. There was no judgments about this because it was a rocker kind of thing and the girls liked it. I hooked up with a lot of super hot girls during this time but was always cautious about who I hooked up with. AIDS (HIV) which was the term used back then was a big deal and almost considered a slow death sentence. I thought I was living the dream and the life of a rock star. Which I kind of was but with out the fame. I wanted to move forward with presenting myself in a more female way but when I pushed it I received blowback from my male roommates and some friends. Statements like dude what the f.... are you wearing. There was a lot of testosterone and homophobia/transphobia during this time. I also didn’t know if I was gay. Was I?? Is that what this is?? During this time I had one sexual experience with a man but I didn’t go looking for it. It was a casting couch thing where he promised me something if I let him give me a blow job. I did and I had an orgasm very quickly but hated the experience.u I couldn’t believe I allowed this to happen and it messed me up in the head for years. I became extremely homophonic and said to myself “no freakin way” so I pushed the macho man forwgard big time making every effort to distance myself from being gay. I built my body to an even higher level. I was ripped and proud of it plus it gave me access to more girls. I never look at guys and thought they were attractive anyway. I actually thought guys were disgusting. Penises and hairy..... yuck. So what the hell does this MEAN! and the fear grew. There was one club that I would go to every now and then called “Peanuts” on Santa Monica Blvd. which had a so called “straight night” and I would only go if someone else suggested it. I did get to see and meet some transgender people there or cross dressing boys or transvestite‘s or whatever they were. I did understand the difference about any of it and was so full of fear and shame that I could barely speak at times but I could dance. I was apparently pretty good and girls liked to dance with me. One night I was dancing with 2 really cute girls and having a blast. My friends were striking out with the ladies and wanted to leave but they were my ride. I could walk home from there and really I knew I was going to hook up with the 2 girls. Yeah! 2 girls! Golden! “You guys suck I’m not going anywhere are you guys crazy?!” The environment was awesome anyway I was doing shots with David Lee Roth just minutes earlier at the bar for crying out loud! This was when he was at the height of his career and kind of like a legend. So I stayed and they left. I started getting closer to the 2 girls and then we were talking with music blasting so we were right up next to each other. Cheek to cheek. I was extremely attracted to both of them they were funny and just great. At the end of the night the music stopped and the lights came up a bit I realized they weren’t girls. They were boys with boobs. I was freakin fascinated! But terrified at the same time. Did they have a hairy penis? Yuck. Is it possible to get that changed to a vagina? I might have heard something about that on Phil Donahue or somewhere else but holy crap “what do I do!?!” Run. I ran like the wind all the way back home literally. Cursing this deception, this trick they played on me as I tried to convince myself I couldn’t be attracted to them. But I was and I started to think more and more and more about it. I regretted not being brave enough when that opportunity was placed at my feet. It might have saved me a lot of suffering and I probably would have had a much better night too. 😊 Everything happens for a reason so oh well and I let it go. But that’s not all the universe had planned for me... Shortly after that another opportunity was laid at my feet and I had absolutely nothing to do with it...... I don’t think there could have been a better way for the universe to speak to me.

Another sign from the Universe! This happened not to long after the event in my previous blog post. There had been enough time for me to really think about the desire to be female and what this meant to me. I still had no idea that people could transition from male to female. I knew nothing about HRT or surgeries except that maybe some people just cut it off with some form of stitched up hole. I know that sounds crude but it was the truth. I tried to learn more from the library but I didn’t feel comfortable to ask for help so I just fumbled around without much success. In the meantime, I was pushing for all male with muscles and I was ripped. I was terrified that my roommates would figure out my secret and then tell everyone back home, making it impossible for me to return. What would my family think? Friends? Crap…no way. I was very cautious and I started to distance myself from acting as well which is a shame because I really enjoyed it. I belonged to the BH playhouse for a while to expand my range and practice. I had a shell around me that I had built up over the years and it was thick. My acting coach was pushing me to open up but I was too afraid and I fought her on it. I also didn’t really know how to. One day she was able to get me to open up just a bit during an exercise in class. I was supposed to walk in circles in front of the class and present all the emotions I could think of. Reflect on my life and show those emotions to the world. My Coach “Joselin” (I’m pretty sure that was her name) was pushing me as I walked the circle. “Show me Joy, sad, fear”, she said as I circled the stage. My circle was becoming wider and wider with every loop. Then she yelled “show me anger!” Boom. What came out of me was complete rage to the point that it scared her and the others in the class. To be honest, it scared the crap out of me as well. The crazy thing is I really enjoyed it. I felt some sort of control and release that was new to me and that scared me the most. She told me after class how well I did and how powerful my performance was. “Great job”. I never went back and I never took another act gig. I was terrified of what might come out and I needed to protect my secret at all costs. So, I focused on really dangerous stuff like riding my motorcycles around the canyons and up the PCH at ridiculous speeds. Riding Mulholland hwy. (which is really just a twisty 2 lane road on the mountain range) at speeds so fast that the hot race tires slid across hot pavement which I didn’t even think was possible. But there I was fighting my demons the only way I knew how too. I had to concentrate so hard on riding that I couldn’t think about anything else, it was extreme focus that gave me a super endorphin rush. I then started stunt work. Why not. After taking some stunt jobs and making my way into the super macho men’s world, where guys where tough as nails and could kick butt I was feeling like yeah this will work. This is my path, still in the entertainment business with all the perks but none of the crap. Great. That is when the universe laid another one at my feet. I was still working at night in a club as a Bouncer/Bartender/Waiter/Manager to make ends meet as I built up more stunt jobs and my roommate worked at the same club. I had the night off and was just planning to hang out at home and my roommate was working so cool I will just relax. After he got off work early he called me. “Dude, Dude you have to come down here now. There are 2 super-hot girls in the club from Las Vegas and they want to hang out but I need a wing man for the blonde one. She is smokin!” he screamed into the phone. I said no but he droned on about how I can’t let him down “You owe me dude” which I did. So, I agreed to go down and check it out but if she wasn’t “Smokin” I was going to be pissed. I get to the club to meet up with them. He was not lying they were really beautiful and I was feeling like this is going to be a good night. They were both very nice and I was having a nice time with them but something was off. I couldn’t put my finger on it but something. All the other guys were hitting on them as well but no one really stepped on my toes, they were just flirting. The more we hung out the more I started to think there was something off about her but she was so beautiful. Nobody else seemed to notice anything weird so I rolled with it and was excited about what might happen. Then someone from work asked if I could lend a hand with someone at the door so I excused myself for a minute. When I was helping out, another girl from work pointed out that the blonde girl is a transsexual show girl from Las Vegas that has fully changed her sex. I don’t remember how she knew but she knew all about her. Another girl said no way! I was like holy crap and I was so excited about it. That explains it and I wanted to ask a million questions but no. That was it for me I had to leave. So, I politely excused myself told my buddy I was leaving and went home. This whole time at the club was about an hour. I could take no chances that anyone finds out that I really wanted to be her. I was too afraid. I was so pissed at myself for leaving, for being weak, for not having the courage. I went home, did a couple of shots, smoked some buds and convinced myself that I made the correct decision. Over. Done. I’ll never see them again anyway. I was just about to hop in bed when the front door flies open and there they are in my kitchen. My roommate brought them home! Shi…..! Now I am all buzzed and relaxed so I proceed to hang out with them. They were doing shots and smoking weed and we had a blast. Then the blonde girl asked me if I would take her up to the roof pool to check out the view and smoke a bowl as the other two went into the bedroom. I said sure. So, there I was sitting on a lounge chair next to this beautiful woman with our legs rubbing smoking a bowl of weed. Good smooth weed at that. Anyway, she looked me in the eye’s really close and put her hand on my thigh. They were so blue and beautiful that they sparkled. At that moment, I knew she was giving herself to me, however I wanted it to be. I couldn’t speak. Nothing would come out of my mouth. She had this sexy blue dress and a slamming nice body but I couldn’t speak. There was a heated pool and a hot tub right behind me and not another soul around. Any other night I would have already been in the hot tub. A million thoughts ran through my head, I really wanted to kiss her, have sex, feel her chest, ask questions, how did you change? Were you really a boy? When did you do this? Can you help me do this? Was it painful? Do you have a vagina? What is it like? Does it work? Did your boobs grow? Are they implants? Help me Please I want to be Like you!!!! I want to be a girl too!!!! I was so scared that I started to shake a bit. If I start down this path will I be able to stop when I want? I don’t know what I’m doing. I can’t breathe. At this point she realized that I wasn’t comfortable and started talking about other things. Small talk really. I am pretty sure that she knew I knew and didn’t want to freak me out so she asked if there was a rest room. So, back to the apartment and then shortly after the other girl wanted to leave and I passed out on my bed. She was gone. I can picture her face and eye’s so clearly in my mind. I have never forgotten that beautiful girl, that opportunity I missed and I still regret it. A couple of years later she was featured on Entertainment Tonight with her boyfriend and soon to be husband. I just happened to be watching at that moment with my new live in girlfriend. My jaw dropped, I couldn’t believe it and I turned to looked at my beautiful girlfriend who was standing there in her panties with a smile. I have tried to find a copy of that show but to no avail. The next one will be shorter....I think. Christy😍

While we share so much there is also much that we do not share, i.e., every story has it's own twists and turns. As an introductory blog post I thought that I would start with some history. It will take a few posts to bring this up-to-date so bear with me. I do make every effort to not state the obvious and to not rehash commonalities many of us share. Finally, while I can spell, punctuation is not one of my strengths, so cut me a break will ya? On Coming Out (Part One - A Beginning) We were about 19 years into our marriage. I was deep in the closet although my wife had suspicions (but my name had yet to be chosen). Kids were in or approaching their teens. For reasons not relevant we had separated but never divorced. I moved into a rental house which amounted to a larger “closet” for me. I could “dress” whenever I wanted but still I never left the house nor knew anything about cosmetics or proper fit of clothing. I almost got caught once or twice as I would hand launder my lingerie then hang it to air dry in a bathroom and promptly forget about it. Visitors would come-and-go but if they saw they never asked. My wife and I discussed reconciliation about two years later. By this time I knew that I could never divest myself of the woman that would become Lauren. All I knew was that she and I were one. I had no clinical name or diagnosis for it. I had never heard the word dysphoria but I knew that I had to be honest to the both of us so, to give my wife an “out”. I told her the truth. We were in my bedroom; sitting on the bed when I told her. The exact words escape me but I do remember saying something to the effect that I could not “stop” and that “I wouldn’t blame her” if she decided to move on. What seemed like minutes (but were actually seconds) passed as she looked at me. My heart was in my throat and pounding like crazy. She responded: “That took a lot of courage to admit that”. As she related to me later, things started to click in her brain and the previously mentioned “suspicions” that she had finally had an explanation. Her next comment was: “I want it to be normal”. I asked, quite man basically, “what does that mean?” She responded “As if it is supposed to be that way.” Well, color me dense but I still wasn’t sure what she was saying even though I had my hopes that my interpretation was correct. I pressed for more feedback. “You can dress whenever you want”, was her response. Wow. “What do you want me to call you when you are dressed?” she asked. Wow. Wow. I never thought of actually having a feminine name so I asked her to choose. She said “Absolutely not. You must choose.” Well, dear reader, you can imagine my near euphoric state by this point but I was smart enough to not press my luck so I chose a name. I chose the name Lauren and my wife never asked why. It would be years before she would find out why I chose that name. There is a story behind it for which I will start another post because I’m sure that there is a story behind yours. So, I came out to her. I rolled the dice and they landed in my favor. It would be a while before I realized how extraordinarily fortunate I was. It would be a few more months until I learned why she was so accepting. You see, my willingness to come out to her opened the door for her willingness to speak more candidly about her desires. I will not elaborate upon those here but quite literally both our worlds changed. Our reconciliation moved forward but it would be very long time before she (and I) really understood what was going on with me. Specifically, that I am transgender and that my need to integrate into the community at-large, as a woman, would be instrumental to my emotional well-being. To be continued in part two.

When You Transition . . . Everyone You Know Transitions, Too Written By Corinne Goodwin in "The GAYJOURNAL Magazine" I began my so-called "path to transition" at the age of 55. That is when I finally said the words "I am transgender and I have to live authentically" out loud. Of course, I knew that I was trans decades earlier. I was not able to put a name to it, but I knew there was something different about me even before I started kindergarten. I was a real hard charger who worked 60 - plus hours a week and reveled in the privilege that mature white men possess. Of course, much of what people saw was an act. Finally, after all those years, the pressure had built - up to the point where it needed release or I would sink into an unrecoverable depression. Thank goodness I said those words. As most LGBTQ people know, there is an amazing amount of angst that is associated with being in the closet. There is also an intense feeling of being free when you step out into the sunlight. That, of course, it where Newton's third law of physics kicks in. You are finally stepping out into the light but for many of the people in your life, they begin to experience their own worlds of anxiety. In effect, you are transferring many of the burdens you have been carrying to them. THE TERROR ASSOCIATED WITH NEWTON When a trans person comes out to a family member the first thing they worry about is rejection. In my case I was married for over 30 years and I could not imagine not having my wife by my side going forward. I also had a son who is the light of my life and I had a small but close group of friends and work associates who I depended on. "What," I asked myself, "would happen if they reject me?" Would I be alone? Would I be disowned? Would I lose my livelihood? HERE COMES NEWTON Like I said thought, Newton's third law does apply. I came out gradually to my friends and relatives. In person when I felt I could and in letters, emails and phone calls when appropriate. Each time I did so, virtually everyone made the right noises and had the desired reactions. But, as I have been transitioning, some of the people who matter the most to me have struggled. My spouse, who has a large network of friends from our old neighborhood, through her church and her job stopped inviting friends over to the house because she did not want them, me or her to feel uncomfortable. To make matters worse, I was so wrapped - up in my world, I did not notice until she brought it up two years after the fact. My son was engaged to be married. In my mind, it was important to let him and his fiance know about me and my pending transition prior to the wedding - after all, it was only fair that she know what she was getting into. Unfortunately, despite an initially positive reception, soon thereafter, the engagement was off. To be sure there were other issues involved, but there is no doubt that my transition added to their tensions. Now I ask myself, what will be the impact on his future relationships? In my business circles, I began the coming out process as well. I have largely done so by having individual conversations but coming in this slow - roll fashion has its costs. One of them is that I asked my associates to hold my "secret" while I worked thought my lists. That is definitely unfair. Plus, clients and business contacts have not known which name, e-mail or phone number to use. Even more critically, it forces them to pause and think carefully about how they address me in meetings or group e-mails. This is confusing, a real time waster and an unfair burden. My friends have had to pay a price, too. I am excited about finally getting to live my life in a more genuine fashion. That excitement can lead to fixation where all I want to talk about is transition and everything related to it. Luckily, a friend recently said to me, "You know, it does not have to be 'all trans, all the time.' How about we change the topic?" After a bit of shock and self - examination, I came to realize that I may not have been paying their friendship back very well. THERE ARE TWO SIDES TO EVERY COIN Partners and spouses definitely have the hardest road. While a transitioning person's path is not an easy one, for them there are clear mileposts along the way to achieving an ultimate goal. That is not necessarily the case for a partner. Think about it . . . beyond navigating the issues of potentially coming to terms with a new version of the sexuality and the possibility of being ostracized by friends and relatives, there are dozens of new rules (mostly unspoken) that have to be renegotiated. These range from who buys the flowers on Valentine's Day to how you introduce your partner at a cocktail party or casual meeting to how you sign greeting cards during the Holidays. In other words, prior to the transition there was a relatively easy to understand script to follow. Now the script has been torn - up and there are few resources available to help a spouse or partner to find a new one. It is no wonder surveys show that fewer than 50% of all relationships survive a transition. IS TRANSITION SELFISH? The quick answer is "yes" and most trans people I know have struggled with the guilt associated with that selfish act. But, in the long - run you can not take care of the people who matter to you most if you do not take care of yourself first. In my case, I had to come to the realization that while transition is something I am doing for me, it is not exclusively about me. This is a reality that most transitioning people come to terms with sooner or later. Our family members may grieve just as we feel we are being born and our friends and coworkers will have to make significant adjustments in their thinking and relationships with us. But, in the end, if everyone truly cares about each other and are willing to negotiate and make the adjustments necessary, transition can be successful for all parties.

“I will give her space & time but I also need to nudge the conversation when I feel she is open to it.” So... I asked my wife if she wanted to have lunch yesterday and she immediately said no I can’t, I have to be on a call for work. I only came out to her at the beginning of August and things have been tense around the house since then. Actually things have been tense for awhile now do to my drinking over being transgender but since admitting this to myself I haven’t felt the need to drink. Gone. Zero. Very cool and amazing to me but that’s for another post. Anyway, She avoids the topic of me being transgender unless I bring it up. I said okay honey maybe another day. Then about 10 mins later as I was about to leave she said “my meeting was canceled so yes she could go.” Great! I believe I caught her off guard and she wanted to avoid any conversation about me being transgender and then re-evaluated the decision. I will have to ask her about that at a later date just so I can understand better. We had a nice lunch at a local place (it was the first restaurant we went to when we moved here) and the food was great. I could tell she was nervous about me bringing up the trans issue so I bought up regular life stuff for awhile and then when she seemed comfortable enough I asked how she was feeling about all of the gender issues. Straight away she said “I don’t feel any differently about this “. I just responded okay honey I understand. She than took a moment and then told me that when she was at the grocery store she saw a man in a dress. (Her face tensed up like she just ate something tart) I think she saw a transgender woman I’m guessing but maybe a crossdresser and now looking back at it I should have asked if she knows what the difference is, I’ll have to ask her about that later. “Boobs and everything.” She said. She told me that for her it was like “getting a punch in the gut.” “She looked like a woman boobs and all but it was definitely a man, I could tell “. I explained to her that I empathized with her feelings and was sorry that she experienced that but what she was see’s in others is not me. She is projecting what she fears onto me. She is aware of this but can’t help herself and I understand. I explained to her that when I see a transgender person or a cross dresser that is not passing well it bothers me as well (an uneasy feeling) but, as time goes by it’s not so shocking. It doesn’t seem so unnatural I guess. It takes time and understanding and really I still suffer from transphobic feelings and fears myself that I have developed over a life time. This takes time and understanding which I will need to work through. I told her “That is not me and I will not be throwing on a dress, heels and makeup to run around town.” This is true for me for the foreseeable future. I then explained to her what being transgender means to me. “This is an exploration of who I am and what I have known about myself all my life. If I don’t take on this challenge and truth about myself It could possibly kill me.” I also told her very clearly and calmly that “I am not ashamed of who and what I am. I am not afraid to be open about it. I am not going to hide or cowher from the world.” I respect my wife and her wishes so there is no need for her to worry about me showing up in a dress anytime soon. I would like her to be apart of this experience and exploration but only when she is ready. “So please honey, ask questions”. Well, we had a giggle about it then talked about other things in life like kids and work. A few minutes later she said that she wanted to go to therapy with me and maybe she will block off her calender for my weekly appointment. WOW!! I smiled. “That’s great and it will help us”. I also told her that she might want to go alone as well because it would help if I wasn’t there. She could speak more freely. She said yes. I told her to take her time and work that out as we go. I also bought up an idea that I have been discussing with my mom and therapist. I trust my sister very much and we talk about life together especially my marriage and drinking. So I want to come out to my sister and then my wife would have someone to talk to about this transgender issue that she trusts and feels comfortable with. My wife said ”That’s okay with me. That might be good.“ That’s when I stopped talking about transgender issues. I think it was enough for her to absorb and end that part of the conversation on a positive note. After lunch we walk into some shops that she wanted to check out and then a new spa that just opened up. As we walked back passed the restaurant we just had lunch in I pointed out a flyer on the window. Saturday night!! Dinner and a drag show!! $30 per person!!! 3 acts!! I said hey look honey we should come back here for dinner tomorrow😊. We both laughed and she said “I’m not ready for that yet “. Fare enough but she did say YET! Uhmmmm. So, all in all with a little patience and care while nudging her to communicate it seems like we might just have a chance. Hope is a powerful thing and this did lift my spirits. Later in the day she was sitting at the kitchen table and I came over to ask a question. I had just gotten changed to go to the movies and put on a tight top & Jean’s. I am always freezing in the theater so I was planning on putting a sweatshirt over my tight T-shirt. Let’s me be honest here I wanted to have my boobs stand out. I didn’t want to show them off to the family though. I just forgot what I was wearing. As I was asking her a question (and I find this funny) all she could stare at was my boobs! So, when her eyes finally came up to meet mine I gave her the obligatory look of hey my eyes are up here😘. Very funny 😄. I know she is curious about my physical changes because I have caught her checking me out every now and then but I’m not going to push that topic yet. She will bring it up when she is ready. So...with life’s ups and downs I move forward in this new journey of mine and I must say that yesterday was unanticipated and awesome😊. Today has also been a great day as well. HOPE ! Christy😍

As many know I love driving my 2016 Mazda Miata and belong to a local Miata club. Last week I spent five days, Thursday through Monday driving with 17 other cars, a total of 22 people, all cisgender except for me. I have never mentioned my past life and transitioning. I bring this up because those who have plans for transitioning need to know when you do things right e.g. work on your female voice and be comfortable in your new skin coupled with mannerism and age appropriate clothing even if someone has doubts about your gender it will be a non-issue (not sure if I've been ever made but know this from others). I was hit on by one man in the club and a female employee of a hotel (for anyone who knows Oregon, the chateau at the Oregon Caves). The man made his intentions clear but I made it clear I was into females. The employee at the hotel, let's say we had a wonderful time in the middle of the night (we stayed at a different hotel each night). She told me at the end of this month they are closing the chateau as their contract ran out and someone out bidded them. All in all this was a great time getting to know several members better, some from other Miata clubs where there whom I met at what we call "Explorer Oregon" which my club puts on for four days each year in July. Nice seeing familiar faces. Oh less I forget that four of the five hotels had both hot tubs and pools. Since I've transitioned I never refuse to take a swim or relax in a spa. In closing, in the attached image I'm the car behind the front red car.

As I near my fourth anniversary on TG Guide I'm feeling a bit reflective. So much water under the bridge! Back then I was on pins and needles posting here as I worried about what I said (or didn't say), what my future might be. I guess I'm getting ahead of myself; I do wish to write another entry when we're closer to the anniversary itself. I've read a lot about labels and how much many people don't like them. If I was non binary I'd certainly understand. I think it would be so hard to walk in their shoes. I talked to a friend a couple of months ago. She's also trans, an MTF woman. She's adamant that she's a woman, nothing more, nothing less. Of course, I was and am perfectly fine with that. But it didn't fit for me. At the time I had been telling myself and anyone who'd listen that I was a transgender woman. In some ways I didn't feel I deserved to be labeled 'woman' without that qualifier and, regardless, I don't share cis women's experience of girlhood, puberty, and all the rest. And, as much as it is at times hard to bear, my face and voice are less identifiably feminine than I'd prefer. But they are what they are and in some ways I'm proud to let my "freak flag fly" as we used to feel back in the early 70s when our hair was long and we felt a solidarity in that. Not that I'm in any way a freak today; it's just that I'm less and less caring about how other people perceive me. Obviously I don't like being misgendered (it happened just this morning at my hotel breakfast in the dining room). I corrected her and we moved on. Hopefully she learned something. When I talked to my therapist some weeks ago about this they (my therapist, Shannon, is non binary and they/them are their pronouns) they said that we needed to work on my capitalizing woman within my label as in "transgender Woman," to emphasize that I'm a woman first, transgender second. I didn't know how to do that and neither did they. As some know here I've been socializing with several lesbian women over the last few months at dinners, hiking, backpacking, etc., and I've asked them: "when you think or talk to me do you have to remind or monitor yourself to use feminine pronouns?" No, they all said. As far as they are concerned I'm a woman through and through. Cool. Of late I've been trying on a new label that I came up with. It's a bit wordier than I'd like but here it is: "woman with a transgender history." It is a bit longer than I'd like but I'm not sure how to shorten it without losing its meaning: I'm a woman, that's for sure, but I also have a transgender history, and that's for sure too. In a way my label follows "people of color" in that they are "people" first, and "of color" second, which indeed they are. It's like a lightbulb has lit up in my head why many of them prefer that label instead of "black" or other labels. Maybe as time and experience progresses I'll drop the last part but in the meantime "woman with a transgender history" feels right to me. I rather like it! P.S. I'd also like to make another point. It's nice that Facebook and others have added new gender labels such as "transgender male," "transgender female," etc. I feel that they should also update their traditional labels to "cisgender male," and "cisgender female" which would, I think, force their cis membership to learn and consider something: that they are cis and that, as opposed to their trans counterparts, have their inner gender identity in line with their bodies. Lucky them, I guess, but despite the trials and tribulations of being trans I much prefer my current existence to being a cis male!

Although I live my life as a woman and am comfortable doing just about anything I still experience moments of gender dysphoria. For example, a couple of weeks ago I had a women's clothing "party" at my home where a clothing line's representative presented this Fall's new clothing to myself and four other women. All of us are friends but I was so on edge, comparing myself to them, wondering how much of an imposter I was actually perceived to be. Although I ordered some pretty clothes I was pretty down for the rest of the day and through the following. I talked about my feelings with everyone - individually - in the coming days. I was surprised to learn that all were also very self-conscious, also comparing themselves to the others. A couple even compared themselves to me as I'm slimmer than them. But my neighbor (Jill) said she wasn't self-conscious at all. She's pretty, about 40, and trim. But is she 'perfect'? No, but she's a delight in every way. Jill said that she decided that she's not going to compare herself, fret about any aspect of herself that she doesn't like to see in the mirror. And that got me thinking. This past Saturday I hiked by myself up Mt. Si (pronounced: "sigh") which is east of Seattle. I had plenty of time to think while hiking the 8 miles to the summit and back which involves 3,100' elevation gain. I thought about Jill's advice. "Rock what you got" came to mind. After all, I chose my middle name "Joy" to copy a young woman's middle name that I knew about 50 years ago. She was pretty and young, a little chubby with thin blonde hair, and introduced herself as "Barbara Joy-to-the-world!". So yeah, let's rock! I also love CSNY's song "Love the One You're With" and it occurs to me that we can turn the lyrics toward ourselves. We are with ourselves of course... all the time. So, I like that too. So with that in mind I went to The Rack yesterday to buy a pair of black dress shoes to go with a black dress I'm going to wear to a formal dinner later this month. As I wandered the aisles I marveled about how much fear I felt about a year ago when a girlfriend took me to the store. Now, I'm just another shopper, enjoying a fun time. Yes, I found my shoes in size 11! $49!!! Below are a couple of photos. One is my cat, Peanut, playing in the bag from yesterday's shopping spree, and the other I took last night doing my impression of Einstein's famous photo.

The next several, haha, fifty plus years, were rather routine and uneventful. My female identity surfaced again at college, and I enjoyed sleeping in lingerie. That lasted a while until I graduated, got a job and married and divorced. That was a tough relationship; can honestly say I don't believe that had any thing to do with my female tendency. Put that on hold again until the very end. I think I rationalized that I was born cisgender male and proceeded to work to succeed in my biologically given role. Off again until I travelled for work and got a small wardrobe just the basics, for when I stayed overnight in Hotels. Only went out dressed rarely and always at night so as night to be seen. Still loved the feeling and freedom of it, but still didn't commit due to my perceived lack of professional opportunities for woman at the time. Only half a dozen times more during those years on again, off again, on again, off again. Always purged my female possessions, each time telling myself this is crazy! But I always came back to being me, the girl, the woman. If I could have earned the same income as a woman back then, I would have transitioned much earlier without a doubt! Today, things are changing rapidly. As more people transition, acceptance is increasing although far from where it needs to be! I can actually imagine sometime in the future, although not in my lifetime, gender choice being a routine part of adolescence. Employment appears to be more open too. I don't need much income anymore although I will need some, and am in the final stages of phasing out my business . Well that brings me to now and I'm on again for over a year and I don't believe I will ever go off again. As I step out, too I don't think I'll ever stay in again either!

This is yet another instalment in the continuing saga of Michelle Lea. As those of you who have been following along may know, I sold my house. It is now under contract with a closing date of October 2. I have had to jump through a few hoops in the matter of repairs to get the deal done, but now it looks like everything is on track--although my realtor tells me that it's not over until the money is in the bank. Nevertheless, I took the plunge, and last week I purchased a mobile home for the princely sum of $15,000. I was going to rent, but I wasn't finding anything that I was willing to afford, and this seemed like just what I was looking for at this point. My primary objective is to cut my overhead so that I can add to savings instead of taking out of savings to live. I will still have some monthly payments in the form of a lot fee, but it is $686, and I think I can swing that. It's cheap living for sure. Now we'll see how I like living in a 55+ community. Hopefully, my neighbours--I have a British spell check-- keep mostly to themselves. If it is awful, I can always sell or rent it and move on, but I think it will be fine. When I say, "leap of faith," what I mean is that I put $5000 down so that I can start moving my stuff during the month of September, and be totally moved in by the end of September. I will pay the balance with the proceeds of the sale of my house. That is the plan. We'll hope for the best.

Well, knew then I just had to check this out further. During the next couple of years ( 7th and 8th grades) I found myself home alone for a few hours every day after school, and while others my age were home doing school homework I was doing my own "girl work". Always had straight A's in school, never had to study much, but paid close attention to a lot. You might say both school work and girl work came naturally to me. My sister was 16 years old, I spent whatever free time I could dressing up and trying on her make up before anyone came home and loving my new-found inner peace. Her lingerie, shoes and dresses were a perfect fit! And the makeup always felt just right, too. Oh, I still did what the other boys did too, play basketball, football, always excelled in just about everything, too. But my favorite pastime was being a girl. Even had a few girlfriends , non-sexual of course, and loved being around them. Made me feel pretty! There was a time when one noticed some mascara or eyeliner on me (apparently I didn't remove it all) and I just fibbed that my sister applied it once because she liked how my lashes looked. I remember thinking I had to be more careful in the future! And I was. I thought...…… Sis came home from school early one day and found some of her clothes and makeup out, and me locked in the bathroom. Never undressed and washed so quickly, came out and pleaded for her not to tell Mom and Dad. Later that evening Dad calls me into the bedroom and asks me if I wanted to be a girl. I could talk to a shrink if I wanted to. (SHRINK?...no one's gonna shrink my brain) not on my watch at least! That was also the era of shock treatments, lobotomies, and institutions. I wasn't going anywhere! " Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooo, Dad; that was the only time! " was my answer. Put that to bed real quick and didn't start feeling like a girl again until my college days. Never was depressed about it, rarely thought about it either, accepted that is the way things are. 💔

I'm having one of my best friends over to see the my new house, the first person I've had here other than the two coworkers that helped us move. Shes' one of the reasons I wanted to come here, so we'd be close enough to hang out more than twice or three times a year. And I'm realizing my job has had a deeply negative effect on some of my behaviors. I know I will enjoy the visit, it will be fun, and still I'm dreading it like mad. I have this antisocial streak lying underneath a need for company. I don't even understand my own brain sometimes. I had mostly gotten it under control, able to realize rationally that I WANT to spend time with people and will have a blast. And if something happens (the weather is really poor today) I will be slammed with an equally intense feeling of relief and crushing disappointment. How the heck does my brain process like this??? But the last year, between the hours of the job, not being able to have people over because staying with my odd hoarding mother and then having to get things organized here, I think I reinforced my old habits of solo activity and hermitism. I'll just have to do to the work, again. It's a good reminder that disorders and deeply ingrained policy traits can be overcome, but never really 'cured', and you have to nurture the better behaviors. I seem to have forgotten that. Meanwhile, I guess I'll just grit my teeth and get through it until she arrives and the joy mode clicks ins. I really don't know why I do these things to myself, but at least I do better with living with them now than I used to. That's hope. Nikki is really excited to have a guest, that helps. He put a TREMENDOUS effort into the living room, and wants to show off his decorative flair. I pick a few things I like, and then he sorts out the spatial layout and relations to each other to make it look good. He's always been better at traditional 'woman skills' than me. Which reinforced my childhood lived experience opinion that people should be allowed to be who they are, not told what to be based on their bodies. Going through figuring out what it all meant the day we first had the conversation about 'Yes, i'm going to stop lying about it, I'm transgender" changed a lot of things, both in him, our marriage, and in me. I'm finally at ease with my internal lack of the resonence with the stereotypical american female. I hate clothes shopping, I hate makeup, I'm okay with cooking but hate cleaning, and live for video games, table top rpg gaming, and other random things men like. And now I'm finally okay with that, I didn't realize til we started having the discussions of what it all means that I'd always been really uncomfortable with the feeling at odds with the role that had been hardcored forced on me as a child by family and the shcool system because of my sex. I'd internalized it. Rejected it and did what I wanted, but at the same time internalized it and let it negatively impact my self-esteem. Trying to care for Nikki's self-esteem all these years, especially the last few when he was most vulnerable, has repaired some small amount of the boudler sized damage mine has. But it's a start. Hope again I guess. I feel weirdly naked after this post.