Leaderboard

It has been a while since I have been here, so I need to bring this blog up-to-date. I think I was in the process of selling my house when I last wrote. We went to closing on October 2, so that is a done deal. In the meanwhile, I bought an older mobile home in a 55+ senior park and am completing my second month here. At this writing, all is going well, and I am happy with my decisions. The park is safe and quiet. Well, I am somewhat near the railroad tracks, but I have gotten used to the trains. The bed does rumble a little when the trains go by, but it's like having a vibrating bed, and I have gotten used to it. The neighbours are nice, and pretty much keep to themselves which I appreciate being somewhat of a recluse. I actually feel more comfortable wearing more feminine clothing in my early morning outings with my puppies. I do run into an occasional fellow dog walker, but it's dark and early and nobody seems to mind at that hour. So, this brings me to my news for the day. As I may have mentioned, I have been a secret cross-dresser, transgender sissy for all my life. During this past year since my wife died, I have been able to express myself more fully at home which has been good, but I still present male to the outside world. That will probably be the case for the foreseeable future as I would have a hard time at t his point working as a female. I'm just not ready. But, I do have some female friends from my previous work at PACE Center for Girls. I had lunch with two of them last year, and today, we met again for lunch. I made up my mind, that I would let them know that I had a feminine side and was transgender. I was somewhat nervous and apprehensive about doing it, but I needed to be open and honest with them about my true self. As it turned out, they were very accepting and sympathetic, and I felt so relieved to finally open up to the outside world. We hope to meet again soon as we all had a good time. Next time, I will officially be one of the "girls." Maybe even do a little dressing. They already want to call me Michelle. What fun!

Usually I don’t dress up for Halloween because as a young adult I out grew it. But not this year because I I knew I wanted to go full girl for the first time. Thanks to some of my female friends they helped me lived out my dream. It felt so good to finally do what I always wanted. Had my nails and toes painted, makeover, wig, and heels. Also wore a long dress, it was so much fun to not just hang out with the girls but be one them too!

Okay, throughout my entire life, I have often accumulated various articles and many times, entire wardrobes of woman's clothing, shoes, make-up, wigs, etc. In my own privacy I dressed up, sometimes if only for a short period and other times for extended periods. More often than not, I always had my "stash", which gave me much comfort in the thought that I would someday be able to transition and live my life of a woman without going back. It seems that every time I had a "life changing event", for example, new girlfriend, marriage, birth of a son or daughter, new job, I would always purge those things I loved in an attempt to live a life according to what I wrongly perceived as normal. Well about two years ago I decided what was actually normal for ME was to prepare for transitioning. As I approached retirement age, (I don't think I'll ever really retire), I began to downsize my business in order to run it without any employees. (I often had a dozen). My wife was no longer physically able to work it with me. So in the privacy of my business basement when off times permitted, I began to accumulate again, slowly, carefully, with the thought that I may never purge again. Any where from 3-5 times a week over the last two years I was able to "practice, perfect my presentation, walk, practice speech, dress, learn the art of make-up and at the same time lost close to 60 lbs. Well, another life changing event is approaching; my business should be liquidated in the coming 3 weeks, and this weekend I methodically boxed everything up and brought it home! About 30 dresses and suits, skirts, 3 dozen blouses and tops, slacks, skirts, 5 wigs, make-up, purses, mirrors, and about 12 pairs of shoes. I'll be very busy over the next few weeks with closing my business and for several afterward with the financials, but I'll have everything intact when I'm done so I can take on the life changing event I've waited my whole life for. THAT'S NORMAL😍 Jessica

Yesterday I exchanged emails with a good friend of mine, who's a cis woman, about how before/during/after transition I fretted about my gender. Although I feel very binary, a woman, I tell people that I'm a "woman of transgender experience" which, I hope conveys an understanding that I'm a woman first, but am also transgender, always and forever. Well, I tell myself that, but I still struggle. My friend wrote: "The ways we try as women to fit a standard, and inevitably fail, because it's an unattainable standard." That triggered me. I was delighted that she sees me as another woman, at least mentally. But it's habitual that I wonder how does she know? Is she saying that just to be kind? And more importantly, what am I, really? I think we all wish that we can be "fixed" of our anxieties, to be rid of them. I'm learning that this just doesn't happen. We need to learn to live with them. Maybe this quote from Brene Brown's recent "Braving the Wilderness" will help: "Stop walking through the world looking for confirmation that you don’t belong. You will always find it because you’ve made that your mission. Stop scouring people’s faces for evidence that you’re not enough. You will always find it because you’ve made that your goal. True belonging and self-worth are not goods; we don’t negotiate their value with the world. The truth about who we are lives in our hearts. Our call to courage is to protect our wild heart against constant evaluation, especially our own. No one belongs here more than you. True belonging doesn’t require you to change who you are; it requires you to be who you are."

So, I needed help again but I was all alone. I took a step in the right direction and the universe sent me what I needed just before I gave up. I had spent all day in full boy mode for others in my life. Later that evening decided to go to an aa meeting because I haven’t been to one for 2 weeks and I really enjoy trying to help people who are struggling. The funny thing is that ever since I admitted I was trans and started HRT my drinking issues or compulsion to drink have vanished completely. I have had to look at things differently and question why am I still going. AA is really a spiritual thing and in working the steps throughly I was finally able to let go of the one thing that was holding me back. It took me about 15 years to admit I was trans even though when I was doing my 4th step for the first time it was #1 on the list. I just couldn’t write it down because I was terrified. That one I will take to my grave. When the pain of holding on to that secret was stronger than what was in front of it, is when I chose to moved forward rather than die. I couldn’t scar my kids by taking my life. No. So aa has improved my life tremendously and I have very deep relationships across the globe. Amazing. I help people in and out of aa face their fears in life all the time and it brings great meaning and joy to my life. That’s why I still go, to just be there Incase I am needed and to see friends that I trust with my life. So after being in boy mode I wanted, no needed, to feel just a bit feminine. I guess that I didn’t expect pretending to be the masculine guy would effect me the way it did. I felt like I wanted to rip off the boy clothes at the end of the day. Normally I’m okay with boy mode but I think it was because I wasn’t doing it for me and I felt like I was being forced. The truth is that I wasn’t being forced, I was doing it to make others happy. At least that was the idea anyway and it seemed to work. So finally I strip off the boy gear and put on some tight jeans, neutral shoes and a tight top that I bought at Zion national park. The top is a bright green long sleeve shirt with really colorful logos on it and was the first piece of actual girl clothing I ever purchased with my wife standing there. “Are you sure you want this? It’s a girls top. You know that don’t you? I was hoping that if I mixed it in with all the other stuff we were purchasing she wouldn’t notice but she did. For a second I almost backed out and put the shirt back but this time I didn’t. I said I don’t care I really like the colors and logos which was true. I was able to push myself through because the night before I went on night hikes by myself while everyone else was sleeping. I stayed up most of the night hiking under a bright full moon. It was so bright that it was illuminating the canyon completely, it was a clear night as well and just spectacular. I had been contemplating transition for the whole week hiking all over the place and Zion was last on the list. I made the decision that night to move forward with transition and became okay with what that might mean. I Ishtar lose everything I love. I was at peace in my soul. If you have never been there I would add it to the bucket list. My point here is that this silly top has a ton of meaning behind it and it forms to my body☺️ So win win. It’s cute. Anyway I put on this top intending to wear it to the meeting. This meeting is a packed meeting with about 150+ people and the rehabs bus in their clients. There are a lot of young buck and doe running around with attitudes and no intentions of getting sober. They are there for the free ride in “paradise “and to stay out of jail. I have helped many of the serious ones that are becoming aware to get a foot hold on life before they go home but the odds are against them, I still try. Once I got dressed to leave I walked past the mirror and realized that my chest was really popping out. I loved the way I looked. I said oh my god I freakin look good smiling back in the mirror. Standing sideways, checking out my thighs, butt, waist, boobs, shoulders, collarbone, hair and eyes. I was really happy and proud of how much I changed. I put in a lot of effort working out and eating right. Then I became full of fear. Crap! I can’t wear this to the meeting, I might as well bring a poster saying “trans heya! come n get ya trans heya!” like at a ballgame. Some of the rehab guys are unstable and have a lot of pent up anxiety. You just never know who will be there. Well I did not want to take that top off and so the battle was on. I was so pissed at myself for being weak. I was pissed that the rehab guys were freakin me out. I was pissed for having waited all day and now foiled by my own boobs. So, for ten minutes I paced around trying to figure out what to do. Stay, go, I kept changing my mind. I finally just stopped everything and sat outside and just listen. Campfire burning next door, ruslin of the vegetation, lizards running around as my dog chased behind. Breath Christy, Breathe. What the hell is really going on. This is not normal for me. What am I missing? This was my first girly fear. The first time I was actually concerned for my safety. I felt really vulnerable. That is what was freakin me out but I didn’t know it. I am anything but vulnerable so what the hell. HRT is changing my brain I guess, I have read a lot about it but this is the first time I got side swiped by it. I know what girls are talking about now. What would I recommend to somebody In my position right now? Back to the closet I went as I gently took the Zion top off careful not to stretch it because I’m wearing it tomorrow.😊 Now....what to wear? What to wear? (I spend a lot more time in the closet these day just trying to decide) (out of the closet to spend more time in the closet...funny). Anyway I decided on a black stretch tech top from ems that shows off my body and I can zip it down to show some cleavage. I’m tucked with tight jeans, tight revealing top and my hair thrown back. I feel like I look good but I am nervous! I just can’t shake it. I read my affirmations and out the door I went. If I freak out too much I will not go in but I just kept going. I composed myself and lifted my head high walking into the room like I always do. Crap! No seats. Oh there’s one up front. I was hoping for one in the back, dam. I went through the sitting crowd saying hi to a couple of friends on the way and sat down. Whew. Eyes were upon me. A lot of eyes I could feel it and it was intense. Of course I was right next to the rehab guys all muscled up and trying to be cool. They didn’t know what to make of me and I could feel them staring at me the whole time. I would glance over once in a while catching them in the act. Funny. I just looked them in the eye and gave the sup nod. Everything was fine and I listened to the first of 2 speakers. He had an Interesting story to tell and it brought me back to my own life many years ago. He kept emphasizing how full of fear he was in and how he had to force himself to walk through it for a better life. He described the battle and I realized that I was going through it again only a different battle. I didn’t feel comfortable at the break I just had to move so I got some water and planned on leaving. As I was kind of sneaking out the door my friends were yelling hello and I high fives, fist bumps on the way out. Did I over do this? Do I look weird? I thought I looked good but I was very unsure of myself. Also I felt like I was pushing it to far. My wife doesn’t want me to come out yet, she needs more time. Did I just blow that agreement? Crap! I have to get to the safety of my car away from prying eyes. I should have never showed up late drawing so much attention to myself. I’m out the door...almost.. a friend of mine grabs me at the last second to say hello and I shake his hand and say good to see you. He asks if I’m leaving and I say yeah, then he pulled me in close with some force and said “bro when you came in you were looking like a rock star, everyone was like who’s that’s!? man your looking good.” I said thanks dude and walked out. Holycrap. Everything changed in me within 4 steps, I felt like wow I read that wrong. All that stress was for nothing. I should know better than to allow that to happen. It was like I forgot everything I have learned. As I was walking to my car I saw a young girl sitting on the curb close to my car smoking a cigarette and she looked beat. Life has thrown her some tough times but she was beautiful. She felt ugly. She had no energy, no life force, just suffering with herself alone. So, I stopped and sat down next to her and talked for 10 mins. I gave her the energy I had just received and raised her spirits just enough to go back in. She said thanks for taking the time to talk to me and complimented me on my top. 😘 I told her how beautiful she was, everything is going to be okay and said well if you come back tomorrow I have an awesome green one that I’ll wear. Today my wife is taking me to get a pedicure 😊 for the first time ever together. live the life. Be free. Ask for help and be the tree. Christy

Well I’m off on a trip. This is an annual get together with a bunch of guys that I have not seen in a long time. Well most of them. No one knows I’m transitioning but my visible appearance will cause a lot of questions. If anyone try’s to be offensive to me I will handle it. It will be an interesting experiment to see who does what. I was feeling fine but I started to get anxious about it in the last couple of days. I was trying to work it all out in my head. It was starting to be a problem. So, I did some serious meditation and talked with my therapist. My friends have helped me as well. I think I’ll be just fine. This trip will be over halloween and I really wanted to dress up as Hurley Quinn from suicide squad. I think I can kind of pull it off but I am nervous about doing it. Her character is fun to play. I guess I’ll have it ready to go and then decide. This would be a first time out like that. Hopefully all goes well. 😊 if I do dress all the way I will try to get to a club and see more reactions. This thing could flop or be fun. I’ll let you know what happens. ☺️🤞

After a lengthy hiatus, I'm back. My move into my 55+ mobile home park went well, and after being here for almost a month, it appears that my new living arrangement will work out fine. The neighbours are very quiet and keep to themselves. for the most part--I have a mentally disturbed lady living next to me who is a challenge on occasion, but more on that at another time. I have met several other residents when I am out walking my dogs, and again, they are friendly but not overly so. This is fine with me because I am more or less a recluse by nature. I like people, but I am fine being on my own. It has been a hectic couple of months what with selling the house and moving, and, oh yeah, work, so I haven't had much time to indulge my girly side. That is changing starting today. I have finally had some time to start going through all my dresser drawers and arranging and organizing them. I am finding all my feminine goodies along the way. it is a lot of fun--like Christmas. After a lifetime of semi-denial, I am admitting to myself that I am a sissy at heart. It is just who I am. I would have been happy with a dominant woman but through several wives and girlfriends either one of the other of us understood what it was all about. I am still learning myself. Anyway, it's helpful at this point to have a place to communicate my feelings to an empathetic audience. I will write more as the day progresses. It's pretty early in Florida right now.

Dear Diary- Like most, I often subjected myself to attempting to reach my goals through "instant gratification," fad diet, etc., and following the realization in my initial blog, am attempting a more measured response to reach those goals. It's always hoped that any of this might help others in reaching their goals. My current plan as of this date is: 1. Mornings: Bowl of oatmeal (with a handful of dried fruit and nuts, no milk). 2. Diet Coke Zero through the day (yes, it's very bad for you but here's an interesting factoid: diet sodas are banned from facilities that handle bulimia and anorexia patients). The patients use it to control hunger pangs. I guess I do the same. 3. I avoid sugar after having seen the dangers of sugar in the wonderful film "That Sugar Film" though once in a while, a donut attacks me at the supermarket and I have to destroy it. 3. Dinner is a battle to exercise portion control, especially when it's comfort foods. Fast foods including pizza and take-out (Panda Express) are limited to around once every two-three weeks. 4. I found brushing my teeth helps to prevent most snacking late nights. (There is that occasional bowl of leftover mac & cheese with ham that is hard to resist). 5. As noted in my first blog post, I had purchased a bunch of supplements touted as helpful to move one to a more femme state. In combination, one of these supplements caused headaches so I am currently winnowing down the culprit. I am taking 2x550mg Puerific Mirifica for the past few days. No headaches yet but I will give it another day. If no headache, I will most likely add Fenugreek to my regimen and see how that does. 6. As noted in my first blog post, I wash with Lavender soap and use a homemade lotion consisting of 4 squirts of any carrier oil and 6 drops of Lavender essential oil. I massage these on my breasts and apply in what I believe are fast-absorbing areas such as armpits and groin. 7. I am planning to start drinking at least a quart of soymilk a day. I understand that this can have some desired breast developing effect. 8. Practicing with shoes. It's been over a year since I had last dressed I had ordered a pair of pointed black 3-inch heels. Finally received them. Owwwwwwwwwwwww. My feet seem to have grown and the size that had previously worked for me now is too tight in the toe area. I've managed to stretch the toe area out using thick socks and blow dryer but still can't walk for more than a minute without having to stop (Oddly, I can stand and the pain subsides quickly but walking...). This probably means round toed shoes from now on. 9. Horrors! I have been battling nose and ear hairs. The ear hairs I manage to pluck but the nose hairs can only be dealt with currently through cutting with a pair of small scissors. I am seriously considering laser or electrolysis for this but need to research as far as applying these treatments in the nasal area go. Depending on how TG-friendly the provider would be, I might also spring for a clearing of a particular area down there. That's all for now, Mz. Hyde

Dear Diary- This Dr. Jekyll and Mz. Hyde blog was started just to keep a diary of my attempt at "stealth mode" transformation to be more of the girl I wish to be. I realized I had not offered any background regarding my initial blog post so I am doing so here to help establish a baseline for my travails as Mz. Hyde seeks a return from purgatory. Be warned that it will more than likely be a very boring blog; I am a writer with some small success in that field and consequently tend to be somewhat verbose in my writing. First off, I am a closeted and mature "gurl." I use "gurl" because as Dr. Jekyll, I am married to a woman and very straight-acting. When I become Mz. Hyde, I primarily enjoy socializing with other "gurls". I also enjoy men but only when I am Mz. Hyde. What started me down this wonderful path? That will be a blog for another time. I am a transplant from the wonderful TG-resource-rich SF Bay Area to a state that is a TG-resource desert, to say the least. The move was motivated primarily for financial reasons, partly due to my SO's rapidly dwindling number of family members. In preparation for the move, Dr. Jekyll unfortunately gave away all of Mz. Hyde's belongings and accessories. Dr. Jekyll's reasons were a great fear that certain moving boxes might be accidentally by opened by the SO. So despite Mz. Hyde's heartbreak, off everything went (though Dr. Jekyll did make sure to get the tax donation slips). Mz. Hyde was "somewhat" sure that she would be able to replace everything in her new location with the ease with which she had collected them in the SF Bay Area. (She frequented a very wonderful TG shop in San Jose, Carla's Social Club, which offered plenty of everything needed to discreetly keep Mz. Hyde happy). Moved up to the state that will be unnamed (though you can see it in my profile) and discovered "Ooops," there are no TG-specific business. No place to comfortably try on an buy femme attire. There is one gay club that is also listed as TG-friendly, no TG social groups on Meetup and the suchlike, and there is a small LGBQT center. Mea culpa that Mz. Hyde has not gone to investigate those yet, but I'm sure she will... once she has recreated her wardrobe and accessories to her satisfaction that she will create a good first impression. Instead, Mz. Hyde decided to post on Craigslist (this was right before Craigslist took down the "Personals" section). The ad was pretty simple; Mz. Hyde was a recent transplant. Mz. Hyde was a mature gurl, and while not Quasimodo's sister, was definitely not a member of the TG-"woofies" club. The ad stated Dr. Jekyll had disposed of Mz. Hyde's wardrobe and accessories, and Mz. Hyde was looking for hints and pointers from fellow ladies as to where to shop DISCREETLY and socialize DISCREETLY with others gurls. Also in the ad was the admonition specifically stating NOT LOOKING FOR SEX, just some contact and shopping information from others partaking in the delights of the TG world. Well, I'm sure most of you have experienced what followed: a glut of admirer emails all asking for pics, sex, and the use of my residence for a discreet playdate IMMEDIATELY. A few admirers offered to go shopping with me provided Mz. Hyde was "passable" and "hot." Two "gurls" offered to meet to socialize if I provided femme attire for them to wear. A few "dick" pics. The few responses taken to be actual fellow sisters, all offered the same advice: buy online or steel yourself to the odd looks while perusing the women's sections in the thrift stores. Soooo, a little bit here, a little bit there, all ordered online. Luckily I had held off ordering any outerwear. Then came the fat bulges and realizations noted in my first post. Sigh. Anyway, that's where things are at for Mz. Hyde.

Dear Diary- 1. Discovered fat bulging from over and under the "wings" of a bra I had purchased online. Took stock of myself in a full-length mirror. Depression: my waist size is bigger than my hips. So, trying to lose girth and weight. Other than a bowl of oatmeal with fruit and nuts for breakfast, I do not eating during the day. Trying to focus on salads and soups for my evening meal but donuts, fast-food, and relative-supplied casseroles and dinners are often overwhelming late-night temptations. Sigh. Realizing that true weightloss comes from taking in less calories than you expend is easy; keeping that in mind and sticking to it is hard. 2. Dealing with my V-shaped body (wide shoulders, big chest, and what an acquaintance called "snake-hips.") I am contemplating focusing on doing only lower body muscle-building exercises to bulk up my thighs and rear while hoping muscle mass in the upper body might decrease somewhat (especially under my armpits). 3. Started a regimen of supplements, most notably Puerifica Mirifica, intended to move me somewhat towards a more feminine state. One or more of the supplements causes a bit of a nagging headache so I will be engaging in a bit of detective work to ferret out the culprit. 4. I make a lotion of lavender oil and body lotion which I massage into specific areas (but yes, focused on my chest), hoping to make some gain there. At this point in my life, I have developed "man-boobs," and am hoping for an increase in the size of the nipples to show that the lavender lotion is having any effect. Mz. Hyde is impatient and has been perusing the hip and butt pad products available.

Congrats on your progress! Keep up the great strides forward! 😊 The group should help you and remember that all groups are dynamic. One week it will be great and the next just ok. It’s all about what you bring to it. I would suggest that you not get the group going on about politics though. Every group I have gone to that gets rolling on political issues turns into a circle of people complaining and you will most likely not receive what you’re there for. It always turns really negative. Always. I suggest focusing on support and guidance. Everyone can discuss the other stuff after the meeting. That’s my experience anyway. These thing come and go so just do what you can to improve your life and your sons. That’s tangible. Once that’s in good order then go fight the fight. You have a vote so remember that and if you want to right a letter or make a call then cool 😎 but don’t let the weight of the world bring you down. Everything is going to be fine. Canada 🇨🇦! No way! Much to cold for me. Lol 😂 plus I never give up. Well, that’s not true I did give up on the chat box. Lol

I am very, very happy for you! 😃Doubly! Going slow, one thing at a time works. There is no rush there, that I know, or at least I think so. Yeah, heard the same news which is very disheartening. I saw the same thing in the 70's to 90's with trying to write out gays and lesbians; didn't work there and it won't work with transgenders, either. BUT...we have to speak up and out! I have no idea what the "true " numbers are of transgenders and those exploring their gender identity, but I believe it is significant. I've already penned a letter to my congresswoman, a Republican, whom I know well. She will think about what I said, and it will perhaps give her some perspective on the issue. I think she all ready knows, but may help to sway the "agenda" on this issue. I have also written President Trump and Melania separately. I won't leave the US; still the best country I know of; but I will fight for my rights and the rights of all that make us what we are. Stay and help make us a Trans Welcoming Country. No government is ever going to write who I am out of existence, that's for sure!

So Sunday I am going to a support group meeting for transgender I individuals. My Therapist suggested it. I had one visit and right off the bat within the first 2 min she asked me where I thought I was on the gender scale. And told me to keep in mind there were more than 2 genders. She seems really nice and easy to talk to. I have been slowly making comments to people and letting myself shine through a little bit. So far Everyone really doesn't seem to care much. And that's ok. I also am worried about what will happen if the trump Administration does change the wording of title IX TO MAKE SEX AND GENDER DEFINED AS BIOLOGICAL AND TOTALLY MAKE IT BASED ON WHAT YOUR ASSIGNED AT BIRTH. This is totally wrong And I feel like if that happens I will have to go back to what I have always been a lie and being miserable. I am ashamed to be an American at this point that this basic denial of human rights is even on the table. I hate the fact that one group of people is being singled out and tried to be erased. And not to mention all the scientific proof that it's not a mental illness and we actually do exist scientifically. All the studies that have been done. And now they want to make us disappear and take away basic human rights what's next concentration camps. This is really upsetting the feeling that we will be persecuted and not given the chance to even make a decision for ourselves. Makes me think real hard about moving North a few hundred miles from where I live and become a Canadian. I hear Toronto is very Trans Welcoming. And friendly.

Hi Christy, I know what you mean about my statement about doing what you need to do without consideration of others. I wrote that quickly and although I wasn’t satisfied with it I let it stand. I’m not sure what I meant to say exactly. Perhaps this is another discussion topic for your group or another thread here in TGG, or both? Overall the point I’m trying to make is that it doesn’t do us good to ruminate so much, building up and reinforcing our fears and shame. There’s so much to “worry” about as we all well know. With that context I’m saying that we need to practice getting into a mindful headspace where we develop an understanding of what’s in our hearts, irrespective of external considerations. And with that we’re better prepared to consider our responsibilities, loves, families, and all that, to plot a truthful course through the rocks and shoals. And yet, with all that, and returning back to the topic of this thread, everyone transitions with us. It’s quite upsetting to some and does take some blind faith and courage on our part. On a happier note, about your experiences in the grocery store and elsewhere: I’m having the same kinds of interactions! I have friends who give me hugs and fist bumps at the grocery stores, hardware store, lumber store... all over. My joy, I think, radiates. Last night I was added into our local HRC chapter’s Steering Committee, which I think reflects on this too. Being trans and transitioning is darned challenging to say the least. These days I’m finding that it’s very personally rewarding!

Great points Girls.✅ As my good friend Yoda once said, Seek the future you must, only disappointment will you find. My father said this to me all my life “People never plan to fail they just fail to plan”.✅ Those words have been ingrained into my psyche. He also made me a small black & white desk plaque, like the one a principle would have on their desk. It said “Think”✅ with the K backwards. I thought it was silly for a long time but as I grew older the message sunk in with life experiences. The future is a mystery and the present is reality. The present moment is a gift and that is why we call it the 🎁. Everyone I have met who worried about the future (too much) lives a life full of stress and that is not for me. So, I live in the present, paying special attention to what is right around me. I plan for the future as best I can and realize that all the planning in the world doesn’t guaranty anything. This has taken me a very long time to get even a loose grip on (years). I still get pulled away for chunks of time. Jess, I went through everything you just mentioned. It’s like that schoolhouse rock song 5, 10, 15, 20, 25, 30, 35, 40, 45, 50 ready or not here I come.😀 At the beginning of my transition I couldn’t help being swept up with thoughts of the future. It was exciting and scary. I had waited so long that I just couldn’t see what I was doing very clearly. Thankfully, I had some people to help me get through it. Emma is one. Once I realized the emerging females control over my psyche it took me over a month of serious contemplation, therapy and a lot of hiking canyons in the southwest for me to see the truth more clearly. It’s all normal in my opinion and we all have our own pace for the process. I think age and wisdom are a big advantage but not always. I know I will make mistakes but I will not beat myself up over them, I try to rectify them when I can, as long as it doesn’t cause any more harm or pain to others. I can only imagine what a 21-year-old me would have done to kick start transition. Actually, I can it would have been a mess. Fears can paralyze people and in my opinion, but uncertainty is what makes life move. I make an attempt to embrace that uncertainty or it turns to fear. If I knew what the future was going to be life would be boring. Hey lets go see a B-Ball game….na I know the score. Nothing really good is going to happen today so why get out of bed? Uncertainty is the engine that moves all. “Withdraw” never. I talk too much and I would drive myself crazy. Period. After I read this post I went to the beach with the family to collect some shells for a project we are doing together. We have a great time talking, playing and laughing. A gentleman was fishing with his wife and caught a shark as we shelled away, we had been keeping an eye on him fighting the dragon and took some pics. I started talking and joking with them as I helped them released the shark. On the way back home we stopped at the grocery store and while I was waiting for my wife I started talking with the clerk at the service counter. Mega millions 900mil!!! HOLY COW! This complete stranger and I had a good time laughing it up a bit, going over what we might do with all that money. I said out of the side of my mouth in a secret tone, to be honest I’d probably get myself in trouble. We both chuckled in agreement. We said goodbye and she shouted across the store in a happy voice “you have a good night!” and I smiled back saying “You too!” Immediately my younger son said “Dad, umm uhh how do you……..that lady probably doesn’t get to talk with a lot of people, right dad?” I’m not sure son but what is the real question…..is it how do I talk with so many people that I don’t know? “Yes”. “How do you make them happy like that?” Well I just try to say something nice or ask a question, I’m not afraid to talk to people I guess and you never know what might happen. That’s how friendships start with one word, like hello and as you get older and say hello to lots of people you will get better at it, practice. That’s pretty cool don’t you think? Do you think she is in a better mood than before? “Oh, yeah dad!” That is the real reason for doing it but it is never my intention to make a joke out of it or expect anything really. I talk to them just like they have been a friend for a while and that’s it. Don’t try and force the conversation or it will fall flat just let the words pop out. Go with the flow have no fear. At that moment, a bit of fear tried to creep in thinking about him talking to strangers without one of us around. But I held back. Just be respectful son. Everything in that story of my evening was an uncertain moment, minus get shells and some food. I just simply looked around and started to interact with the world that was ready and waiting for us. Embrace the uncertainty of life and your world will expand beyond your vision. Make life happen! Make the future unfold with your influence and if you can’t then ask for help. That’s my opinion on that. “The key is to figure out how you need to live your life without much consideration for others.”❌ I disagree with this one, I have found that I personally just meeee need to give consideration in all my interactions. Strictly because of the ripple effect. Some people do not deserve my attention (and maybe that is what you meant Emma) but I will consider others when making decisions. Small & Large. I have been to the very edge of life/death more than I like to admit and the fact that I am still here is a bloody miracle. I will not take this life for granted ever again. I also know that in the peak of my pain & suffering, the worst it ever got for me. Doesn’t, even, come, close, to the pain some people endure. I have tons of those stories to tell. You know, because I talk to a lot of people. BUT hey the real point for me anyway, is the ripples I make. Isn't that what our friends and loved ones should hope for everyone they love? Yes.✅ 1. Recognize that it's not selfish and it is our God-given right to live our lives. Yes.✅ 2. Set an example for others of our love, respect, and support for everyone, including ourselves. Yes.✅ YOU ARE WONDERFUL TODAY