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  1. 3 points
    To everyone that has commented on my post.... thank you. I am trying to get as much information as possible to help my child. She is very upset about starting to grow breasts. I got her KT tape and learned how to use it. My wife and her did the actual taping but I directed as I know the most about it. We are also going to get her a binder to see if she likes that in addition or instead. I am really trying to help my child and the pain is awful. Watching videos of a transgender man with a beard putting on trans tape having long sagging boobs is very disconcerting. It doesn't seem right at all. I see both of my daughter's friends in little dresses and hair and nails done and want that sooooo badly for my daughter. I do not want her to be in this world. Almost everyone who is transgender seems to have attempted suicide at least once or thinks about it very often. Some of you have even mentioned this in your posts. While I understand that you believe you are transgender, has this decision to live this way really made your lives better? If I am coming across as callous or unfeeling I don't mean to. I am asking serious questions.
  2. 3 points
    Hello. I would suggest a slow approach. Nothing needs to happen today or tomorrow. Tiny baby steps along with the correct therapist can make a big difference. Have a plan and to move forward very slowly. Then see how everything is going a month or 2 down the road. Children need a strong father in their lives. It’s really important. They also want everything right now. At that age you have time for learning. The best physical changes are not over night. A slow process will give the child time to comprehend life and make adjustments. I believe they will be better able to handle life mentally. YouTube is very helpful BUT without guidance the child will see others seemingly change over night living glorious lives. I feel that the future holds a lot of problems for many I have seen it first hand. They moved to quickly without truly contemplating what this really means. The feelings can be overwhelming for trans people but there is a way to figure this all out. As much as she feels like a boy she will never truly be one. (For now anyways) Biologically speaking. She needs to understand that first with help from a professional and more importantly you and your wife. Be honest with each other. Don’t try to win arguments but do voice your fears and love for your child. Say what you mean but don’t say it mean because there is no reason to. Fighting helps no one. The science is out on this in many areas but I do know this is real. There are some brain differences and may be do to what the child was exposed to in the early stages of growth. Maybe not for all but many. I always try to keep an open mind and admit I might be wrong about my beliefs. My intuition is telling me that the child is hooked on YouTubers and it all seems fantastic. I would find out exactly what your child is looking at. Youtube. Instagram. Websites etc. If your daughter is trans she is confused about a lot and needs help to find out what that means. Maybe she doesn’t transition all the way. Maybe there is some balance for the child. Blockers can give you more time but the implications are unknown in the long run. 11 year old children should not make huge decisions with massive consequences on there own. The probability of giant mistakes go way up. Take it slow and talk it through honestly with everyone in the family. Most people fear what they don’t understand so try to help everyone understand how this will effect them. I wish being trans on no one because it is tuff but there are great things that can come out of it too. I hope this helps and always ask questions because it help everyone when you do. Just remember it doesn’t have to be a curse and maybe your child’s life will change the world for the better. Transition or not. That’s just my opinion so take it for what it’s worth. Those who disagree with me I would love to here from you because I’m always learning and growing. I keep my eyes open. Oh..don’t forget to huge your family today. Christy
  3. 2 points
    Looking back, I accepted my birthdays quite happily and proudly except for the last year before the decade turned and the first year of the new decade. For instance, I grieved turning 19, as I knew this was the last year I could call myself a teenager, and grieved a little more at 20, as I knew I was not only no longer a teenager, but never will be again. This happened at ages 29 and 30, as I knew I was leaving "young adulthood" behind. Again, at ages 39 and 40, I knew I was definitely middle aged. At 50, I realized I was medically a senior. And now, at 59 turning to 60, I definitely was a senior! Sometimes, I am unexpectedly reminded that I am getting older, such as the time I visited a beautiful library in downtown Brooklyn, that was filled with young people. Finally I found a seat, among a large group of teenagers, and I settled down to my work. Noticed adults pacing up and down between the tables. Finally I got up and asked the librarian if it was OK to sit where I was, and she answered that I was sitting among high school students taking their SAT's! The adults walking around them where proctors! Apologized, and moved my stuff. This scene reminded me so much of myself when I was their age, and how different I am now to what I was then. Somehow, I seem to see my life by decades. 0 - 10 Child 10 - 20 Preteen and teen 20 - 30 Young adult 30 - 40 Young middle-aged 40 - 50 Older middle-aged 50 - 60 Young senior Interestingly, the last few years I dream about being 18 - 22 years old and not using mobility aids (a cane)! In my case, I feel like in my early 40's, except when I am reminded that I am 60 when I look in the mirror or notice I suffer more aches and pains than in the past. Recently I had what I call, "The Linear Dream." At the time I was 58. There was a marked linear line, marked off by feet. At the other end of the linear line, was my two year old great niece, standing, facing me, at the two foot mark. In my case, I was at the sixty foot mark, having stepped forward to the fifty-eight foot mark, as I was fifty-eight years old. Know the dream was about age, but, beyond that, I do not know what it means. Somehow, I feel more comfortable about aging, when I think in terms of "the circle of life," rather than linearly. Here are some of the changes I have observed in myself due to aging: Fear of being "out of date." Fear of being alone (dying alone). Don't have as much a sense of purpose as I used to. Can't be as much "hands on" as I used to (accepting physical projects) More "word finding" difficulties. Having trouble with spelling and grammar. Chronic pain. Can't run. Less balance. Feel "underfoot" by society at large. More spiritual. Less eye/hand coordination. Difficulty learning new material. Feel less confident in finding a partner. Don't feel needed by my family. Can't walk far. Difficulty hearing with background noise. Intermittent tremor. Greater difficulty losing weight and keeping it off. Can't see as well, requiring a magnifier as well as glasses. Dry and thinning skin. Dry scalp and hair falling out at the scalp, as well as thinning and finer hair (don't mention the gray!) "Age spots." Dry mouth and eyes. Easy bruising. May I ask how you have coped with aging?
  4. 2 points
    I joined TG Guide almost four years ago. The time seems short and in hindsight it's passed quickly but there were many deep valleys amid the peaks. Last weekend I hiked to Tolmie Peak with some lesbian friends. Imagine that, out and about as natural as can be. Now making plans for GCS, hopefully by end of Q1 2019. And yesterday my ex-wife phoned to ask if I'd like for her to help me through recovery! (You bet, I answered.) Wow.
  5. 2 points
    I am a Trans Womxn, I am Queer I came out March 25th 2016 My pronouns are XE XIR XIRS I am a womxn, I am valid, I am beautiful I deserve love, respect & happiness like everybody else Please see me as the Womxn I am Please see me as the humxn being I am Please love me and respect me & no throw me away I have sooooo much love inside me that shouldn’t go to waste Please see me, please value me.
  6. 2 points
    Dear Jeff, No, you're not coming across as callous at all. All I hear is a very concerned and worried father trying to do his loving best for his child. I have several thoughts I'd like to share: 1. Helping your daughter bind her breasts. On the one hand that's so kind and thoughtful of you. On the other it reminds me of the boy sticking his finger in the dyke. The waters are going to rise, her puberty is going to continue. I dearly hope that in parallel with this you are working with a qualified gender therapist and considering puberty blocker. 2. "I do not want her to be in this world." Are you more worried about her not becoming and rejoicing in being a young woman? Or, are you worried about how society may treat her? 3. Suicide: yes, 41% of trans adults in the US have attempted it at least once. I have, 2-3 times. The last one (about 3 years ago as I recall) was very close. Why do we do this? Because we are so torn up inside, losing the fight against our gender dysphoria and feeling helpless in the battle to become our authentic selves. For teens it's even harder because they have no resources and are so desperate for their parents' love and support. Without that they are stuck, not knowing what to do. They also know lots about how teens are committing suicide. 4. "While I understand that you believe you are transgender, has this decision to live this way really made your lives better?" Yes, I am 100% better off than before. I have no doubt in my mind that I am living authentically as the real me. Do I wish I was born female? Of course, and it saddens me that I wasn't. But there's nothing I can do about that and my life is so much richer and happy than I've ever been before. I believe your question comes from an understandable lack of understanding. I'm sure you've heard that people whose internal sense of gender matches their birth sex are called cisgender or "cis," and those whose gender doesn't match are transgender or "trans." Clearly, you are a cis male: great! I'm happy for you, I really am. But because of that it's so hard to wrap your mind around what it is to be trans. It just seems odd, foreign, unreal. But real it is. I'll share a story about me. I am very binary in that I have no doubt that my gender is female. But the label "transgender" is an umbrella term that includes many other gender feelings including "non-binary." My therapist is non-binary and I have a couple of friends who are also. Now that is something I can't wrap my brain around! I don't get it. I believe that they experience it but no matter how hard I try I just don't understand what it feels like to be them. But I accept their reality to be as real and valid as mine. Perhaps these videos will help you, I hope. They are quite recent and show Megyn Kelly with parents and teens of the GenderCool Project: Five Transgender Teens On The GenderCool Project And How Important Support Is | Megyn Kelly TODAY Siblings Of Transgender Girl: It Profoundly Affected Me In Such A Positive Way | Megyn Kelly TODAY Hear The Inspiring Message One Transgender Girl And Her Parents Want To Share | Megyn Kelly TODAY GenderCool Project Founders On Myths Of Transgender Kids & Rollback Of Rights | Megyn Kelly TODAY Be well, and please, stay in touch. We only wish to help you and your child.
  7. 2 points
    Hi Jeff, I just came across your post; you bring up many understandable concerns and worries. I certainly agree: - There are no objective tests to determine if one is transgender. - We all wish our feelings, the ones we experience as trans and for our children, would just go away. - We all worry that we will be miserable in life, marginalized and unloved. And yet, we know, from clear existence proofs, that transgender people really exist. The science is trying to catch up, just give it time. I’m 62, and since I was in preschool I wished my feelings would just go away. Believe me, please, I’ve tried. I’ve been married twice, the second time for more than 20 years to a woman who still loves me dearly and I love her too. But in the end I tried to commit suicide a couple of times because I wasn’t living authentically. As a trans woman I am not miserable in life. Yes, it has its challenges but it’s actually very delightful compared with the alternative where I was largely waiting for life to run out. I don’t suppose you’ll find that very helpful. For me, the first step was to do enough research to convince myself that to be transgender is real, valid. After that, I struggled with determining that I am indeed trans. And then, what to do about it. I suggest you try following a similar path. Determining if your child is trans or not is tough of course. No, no one is going to push hormones or surgeries before your child and you/your wife are ready. That said, there may be an urgency to all this to start puberty blockers. From what I have seen and read they are harmless. But you need to convince yourself. Please talk to all the professionals you can find. Note also, please, that there is a conference in early August in Seattle called Gender Odyssey. They have a Family Program that you may find very helpful. I suggest that you look into it. With warm regards, Emma
  8. 1 point
    So that job Nikki took last year has been going well, he's still there, and I have joined up also. More money than I've ever made, and while the working conditions are extremely chaotic and we don't have much time for a personal life, it's weirdly satisfying and they seem to like me. And it enabled us to afford to buy another house while we wait to sell the one we still own. Which of course means my NJ friends aren't talking to me for this week after I showed them the Zillow ad and admitted I negotiated under asking price, which could maybe buy me a garden shed back home. I do miss NJ still, but who can afford it these days! Nikki's doing wonderfully despite not being in therapy since she passed, but he plans to find a new one once we are settled. I get not wanting to start over twice, and I hope he gets one he likes as much. I think he's way more stable these days than I am. Of course, I also am the one that came up with the idiot plan to move in with my mom to try to sell our house. *smirks* Self-inflicted injury. But we are moving FINALLY sometime in the next month or two. Still married, still going along with the flow, have managed to NOT injure myself with Nikki's breast forms lately (brownie points to anyone who remembers that story!). Although I did manage to nearly kill myself with mom's weird bathtub, the kind that goes waist high that you walk in and bath in without having to step over the tub wall with this odd shaped door by slamming my head into it full bore when I dropped something. Some days it's a wonder I live. Nikki also wants me to go back to a therapist, he did some research and thinks I've been misdiagnosed with add instead of adhd, as apparently it presents differently in women, but they'd only done the research on male children back in my day. If he's right it explains a lot. *Looks around* I refused to tell him how many of the criteria I fit when he was asking me about the list, I'll get a pro to re-diagnose me thank you very much. LOL Hope you are all doing well!
  9. 1 point
    Hi Everyone, I am the father of an 11 year old "transgender boy". My daughter decided a couple of months ago that she wants to be a boy. She had dealt with a lot of anxiety and depression for a number of years due to bullying in school. It got to the point that she didn't want to live and she went into a psych hospital for a couple of weeks and then an outpatient facility for almost 2 months. This was in January - February. Nothing about wanting to be a boy ever came up at all during or before this time. About a year ago she mentioned that she wanted to wear some boys clothing which she did for a couple of weeks before going back to girls clothing. We figured it was a tomboy situation. About 2 months ago she came up with the idea that she wants to get her hair cut to look like a boy as well as wear boys clothing. My wife allowed this. She told my wife she wants to be a boy. This decision is ripping my family apart. Her twin sister is very confused by this as would be expected. Her older brother by a few years does not accept this or her at all. He wants to have nothing to do with her. He is in therapy to learn how to deal with his feeling but the fact is...... I really don't disagree with how he feels. My wife and I are arguing constantly. My wife says she does not wish for our daughter to go down this path, but that she is happier and we should feel good that she is alive. To me that is setting the bar at the lowest possible level which means that anything my daughter wants, she should get. My wife believes that transgender exists while basically I do not. I believe my daughter is confused, has anxiety and depression and this is just her newest way to get attention. I believe she needs therapy to help her with her confusion. Everything I read about says there is no proof biologically, or chemically in the body that transgender brains or bodies are any different than hetero normal (I don't really know the proper term) people. Up until June 18 2018, even the WHO (World Health Organization) considered transgenderism a mental disease. They only removed transgender from that list because it was causing a stigma for people who thought they were transgender... not that they believe transgender isn't a mental illness. This situation is destroying my family. We are fighting almost constantly (we all see therapists due to this) but I don't see how we are ever going to agree. My wife wants to look into puberty blockers. I say absolutely not as everything I read says there isn't enough research / data to know they are 100% safe. I keep reading about people that thought they were transgender with some even having the surgeries and living as the opposite gender for some amount of time before getting the therapy they needed. Then they realized they were never transgender to begin with and transitioned back. I don't see how my wife and I are ever going to agree about this. Both of us can find many stories, doctors and studies to back up our beliefs so I don't see how we can come to any kind of agreement. We both love our daughter and want her to be healthy and happy but we completely disagree on how to help her. This entire situation is excruciatingly painful. I want my daughter back but I don't know what to do. Every fiber of my being wants to tell her to cut this shit out. I want to tell her she is not a boy and that this experiment is over. Girl haircuts and clothing are the only choices and that if this is what she wants to choose when she is 18, then I can't stop her. I don't say this because everyone is telling me this could damage her. In my opinion by not telling her this, I am allowing her to be damaged by this decision. I believe she is setting herself to be alone with no friends as girls hitting puberty will want to be with other girls getting their makeup and hair done and going shopping for clothing while boys will never accept her as one of them. I see her having a miserable life going forward and I don't know what to do.
  10. 1 point
    They hath disgraced Transgender folks and hindered our existence, laughed at our struggle, mocked at our gains, scorned our identity, thwarted our dreams, cooled our friends, heated our enemies – and what's their reason? We are Trans. Hath not Trans folks eyes? Hath not Trans folks hands, organs, dimensions, senses, affections, passions; fed with the same food, hurt with the same weapons, subject to the same diseases, healed by the same means, warmed and cooled by the same winter and summer as CIS folks are? If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you poison us, do we not die? And if you wrong us, shall we not revenge? If we are like you in the rest, we will resemble you in that. - Original text from Shakespeare’s A Merchant in Venice edited by me to reflect Transgender folks struggle in a heteronormative bigoted society.
  11. 1 point
    I am transgender. Yes, yes I am. Millions in our community are on my side. Science is on my side. Psychology is on my side. Civility is on my side. Respectability is on my side. Love, is on my side. Friendships are on my side. Humxn history is on my side. Just love us for who we are. We are just as real, just as humxn, and just as worthy as you. ♥️
  12. 1 point
    Jeff, please understand I attempt suicide cause I was under emotional distress and mostly no support from my family. I don’t have any friends so there is no support. You and your wife are helping your child. You are his support. Please understand when I refer your daughter as a boy cause it’s correct and he is a transgender. You can reach out to professional who are more qualified therapist. You can even do Video Chat and check if your insurance is accept by that therapist. There are qualified therapist who do sessions by video chat if you are unable to find one close to you or you want to be in safe environment. When I share my experience and said I attempted suicide is become I was lost, alone, and don’t have any support from family so my depression, anxiety, bipolar and every thought rushing through my mind was overwhelming. Now , I see my therapist every week, psychiatrist every month and my primary doctor for anything I need. These are my support system. If my family was supporting my decision and is there for me I would be happier I think. If my family don’t want to understand it or accept it but do still talk to me, show me love and I’m part of family function. I am fine with anyone don’t want to talk about my transgender transitioning process but all I want is to be accepted as a female, be treated as a female, and the respect and love. I would be less or even not depressed. I know I can’t make everyone understand what I’m going through or like me but I think if I give respect then I want respect back too. I won’t interact with anyone knowing they are against LGBTQ community or is a bigot person. If a person like me for me then cool. If they use the correct pronouns cool. So far in my transition I come to terms if nobody want to be part or associated with me I’m fine with that. I see like this..” I was put on this Earth to be happy not miserable”. I want to say you and your wife are an awesome parents.
  13. 1 point
    Dear Jeff, Nothing wrong with your child. He is a transgender male. Even he yet to transition medically by being on Hormones replacement therapy. Your son had already started transitioning to a boy. He is doing this that are non-medical but it’s part of transitioning. Please understand a child not having a support group specially from family will hurt, destroy his world that is safe haven with the love he gets from his family. Im puerto rican Serbian and my experience as younger age when my mom was alive she basically told me what I’m doing is sick and not normal. My mom said to me do I need to see a doctor and be lock up to get treatment. I knew right away to be with my mom who I love I shut down and made sure I was not doing anything wrong or what they consider sick, disgusting. My mom and her side of the family was all Puerto Rican and old school. I never knew my father or my father side of the family. I started to had bad depression, anxiety and complete shut down. As I got older I started to really found my own voice and made a choice if my family don’t accept, understand or want me around I was prepared to disappear for good. Still today I still struggle even I am older and been diagnosed me with gender dysphoria and I reach out to Hormones replacement therapy doctor and started transitioning medically with medication. I do see my primary doctor, psychiatrist and therapist for they are my support system. I do want to address static show that all transgender do attempt suicide one or more and end in death. I attempted suicide once been lock up in psycho ward. Now I’m doing what is right for me cause I always identiy myself female and never like my male body. Please do understand young youth do struggle more stuff cause they don’t have the resources and can’t escape from every day problems of being bully or threats from there peers. You ask a parent can’t change people minds but you can educate them. Please get educated and discuss everything as a family and do take your son to professional who specializes in gender dysphoria or had been train in it. As for medication won’t be given until you, your wife and transgender son fully understand the process and what treatment is plan out has been given by the psychiatrist or therapist. As for other children you have please make sure the communication is open and they are aware of their transgender brother have feelings too. Their trans brother is not doing anything wrong or doing this to push them away or hurt them.
  14. 1 point
    yes I know. I agree. Both can use it as a tremendous tool. But there is a lot of crap as well. Especially for vulnerable children.
  15. 1 point
    Dear Christy, Your advice is spot-on, but I meant YouTube for the parents, NOT the children. Am very sorry I did not make this more clear. Yours truly, Monica
  16. 1 point
    Dear Jeff, May I add to Emma's and Mike's excellent comments that there are excellent stories on YouTube, if you would go to www.YouTube.com, and Google, "Transgender Children." There you will find some excellent stories about children who are transgender and their parents. Also, there is a PBS channel that has some excellent programming on this topic, called World Channel. Their website is www.WorldChannel.org. Please stay in touch and feel free to ask questions. We are here for you. Yours truly, Monica
  17. 1 point
    "Girl haircuts and clothing are the only choices and that if this is what she wants to choose when she is 18, then I can't stop her." -- Jeff And if [she] IS transgender, and doesn't make it to 18? What then? Will you be happy? The suicide rate for transgender people is disproportionately and sickenly higher than in any other group. Not trying to scare you or make you feel bad... I just think there's a bigger picture you need to be consider rather than your own misplaced pain. If [she] IS transgender, by 18, the poison of estrogen will have widened [her] hips, put fat where [she] will not want it, and put breasts on [her] chest...which [she] will no doubt despise and be disgusted by. You will find all the documentation you want that debunks the existence transsexuality... doesn't make it factual. Just bolsters what you choose to believe. For now, the only proof it actually exists is differences in the brain - but that can only be discovered after one is dead. If [she] IS transgender, [she] is NOT mentally ill... as are none of the rest of us. Only a competent mental health professional will be able to help you all - and [her] - determine if [she] is indeed trans, or just suffering the hellish trials of growing up. I was at least heartened to learn that you are getting counselling for your son... he has learned this unacceptance by those around him. Hopefully he is still young enough to learn and realize that homophobia and transphobia is not pretty, and that GLBT people are no different than straight and cisgender (non-transgender) people. If [she] IS transgender, this is just as hard on [her] as on you... if not more so. But any hardship [she] may be enduring is not of [her] making... but of the society around [her] that villifies people like us for no good or logical reasons. I wish all of you - but especially your child - good luck. -Michael P.S. I would recommend that you consider checking out the Transgender Children & Youth forum. And even the FTM Discussion forum
  18. 1 point
    Hi all wonderful people. It has been a while since I posted anything here. After my last post I met a beautiful lady through this site, Steph53, Steph has become very special to me. Steph was very kind and supportive and introduced me to what are now many friends over on Facebook, this is where I now spend most of my time. As for my transition it has progressed rapidly. I am now a month into my Hormone Therapy . I now largely live full time as my true self. I have been out into the real world a number of times and this is now my norm rather than something out of the ordinary. Elsa obviously won the battle with William, it was never a contest. William is now a distant memory and only gets referred to in the 3rd person i.e. he did this, he did that, he was like that. He now plays no part in my life as i move forward. This is now my time to live, to shine and to grow. I do want to relate a recent event which made me realise just how strong I am now. The past weekend 16th -17th June 2018 my daughter and her partner was invited to her grandmothers for lunch, i was happy as they are very close and it showed me my issue had not damaged their relationship despite me not being in the good books with my mother in law any more. I knew of the invite a few weeks ago. On Saturday evening i was informed my wife was also invited but not me again while not happy I understood. As Saturday evening wore on it hit me what this meant, I was no longer welcome on my wife's side of the family and i suddenly felt very alone and isolated. I became very upset. I went to bed and woke up around 3.30am and I was angry, very upset, very down and very vulnerable . i quietly cried into my pillow. Then something happened, i started to think of all the things I (Elsa) had gone through to finally be born. Up until this point whenever I had discussed my battles and coming out and accepting who I was it had always been from his perspective never mine. As i went back to as far as I could remember, my early childhood, I realised the immense struggle i had had just to be heard, to make myself known. The physical abuse by a Father and older brother who couldn't accept that I existed. To a mother that knew I existed but was not sure who i was, stopped the abuse and protected me. While my father effectively ignored me for a long time my older brother took every opportunity to bully me psychological. Into my early teens when thankfully my father went back to sea as a merchant sailor and was never home and the older brother sent to remand school. Finally I had some peace and for around 2 1/2 years I thrived, i dressed all the time although in secret and and with a lot of guilt and shame due to the earlier tortures. My mother knew but kept it to herself and we never discussed it. It was towards the end of these years that he began to dominate, I don't know why, maybe it was the increased testosterone, but he started to isolate me and bury deep down in his psychology. He began to grow into a man physically, he had a mans skin suit. the problem was, that as I watched on, he had know idea what a man was, he was a intrinsically a woman. His only guide was how other men behaved around him, largely his family, and they where not good role models. I could see he was very confused, he did his best but increasingly became more isolated as he didn't seem to fit in but didn't know why. This is how it would continue for the next 40 years from the age of 20. I would eventually find the strength to make myself heard and he would be forced to dress, he hated it and would attempt to bury me even deeper and build more walls to hide me. Every 3 - 6 months i would find a way out and the cycle would start again. He married and had a daughter, this was the first time I ever saw him happy. after work he couldn't wait to get home and be with his new daughter and wife. I was happy, i left him alone and even began to think that maybe this was his turning point and I would slowly fade away and he would finally find some peace. His wife didn't handle the birth to well, she loved her daughter but post natal depression set in. He became confused as he wife seemed to become more and more distance until an event occurred that would change him forever. His mother passed away at 60, he was devastated. He needed support, his wife needed his support but at that exact time his wife broke down. He had to fly down away from home to be at his mothers funeral on his own. I can remember watching him as he approached his mother casket, his family, their wives and their children where all sobbing and he felt the emotion start to well up then shockingly as all that emotion was about to pour out he slammed it down, he refused to show any weakness to his family. He sat stoically through the whole funeral and as he helped carry the casket out. He never cried over the mother he was so close to and was never able to again. From this point one he became cold and any emotions where nothing more than an illusion. I was determined to right this ship as this was not healthy for either of us. The cycle began again but this time he just coldly accepted it and moved on. He turned it sexual, he would drink to excess, he would hurt himself through these periods, sometimes lasting up to 2 weeks all privately and unknown to those around him, he felt regret and shame and guilt but he'd learned to push them away and bury them as he did to me.He became depressed and often suicidal, he never acted on it. He had money to earn and and a family to maintain. The only person he was close to and showed any emotion to was his daughter, he loved her so much as I did and As i now do. She kept him alive. At 50 everything changed, he was tired of the constant battle, his daughter was now old enough to take care of herself and was living her own life, he was happy for her but he was loosing his anchor. He simply gave up and there was nothing I could do. he buried me deeper than before and built so many walls i could no longer influence him. He simple existed and just pretended to be alive. He became and empty shell. I refused to give up. I kept clawing my way out and very occasionally i would make myself heard. for almost 10 years this went on. However i became stronger as his psychology began to weaken. He could no longer maintain the prison of walls he had put me behind, because he just didn't care any more. for a while it was touch and go, he meticulously planned his own suicide even got to the point of ordering the supplies, but I was to strong now, I had not come this far to simply allow him to deny me my life. I stopped him and finally as Christmas 2017 approached I convinced him he had to choose, either come to terms with me or we both cease to exist. It wasn't his choice it was mine and I chose life. It still took a few more months. He couldn't understand what was happening, this constant need to be a woman, it became ad obsession it was still very sexual he purged 3 more times, wasted a lot of money but after each purge I forced him back again. I forced him to research and read about transgender issues, understand it from a scientific perspective, he trained as a scientist so I knew this would appeal to his scientific nature. He finally began to understand. I made him book an appointment with a transgender therapist, now he began to understand who I was. About a week before the appointment we where driving to the shops, i kept whispering to him, you know me, you know who i am, you need to say, say it in your head and then say it out loud, it was his final piece of resistance but not to much. He finally said it, in his head and then out loud. I AM A WOMAN. I WAS FINALLY BORN, I WAS FREE. and the rest as they say is history. I write this now 5 months into the transition. I am at peace, there is no longer any conflict and because of all I have been through to finally be born I am stronger than he ever was. If you can remember back to the beginning of what is now rather a long blog entry, these memories came back at 3.30 Sunday morning 17th June 2018 at about 4.30am I began to sob uncontrollably. I had grown up, this was my life now and he was now just a distant memory. More than that, i was no longer angry, upset, down and vulnerable, I was calm, happy, upbeat and resilient. It no longer mattered who accepted me or not, I was me, this is my life and I will live it on my own terms. I had struggled and fought to be free and that has made me strong. There is very little the world can do to me that I haven't already endured, it will try but I know i will alway prevail. If you decided to read this far thank you I truly appreciate your interest. To all the wonderful people on TGguide and Transgender Radio in Australia who tirelessly maintain and keep these sites alive, that allow people like me to find a home and express ourselves and meet others like us and of course to all my Transgender friends on Facebook. I do however dedicate this to one very special lady who has helped me so much and it his through her kindness and support that I have come so far so quickly. for you Steph. I truly do love you. Hugs and kisses Elsa
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