ren, I wrote a fairly long response in support of your courage, directness, and self-awareness in your previous post, but I guess it disappeared when you deleted the post, apparently just as I was writing or submitting it.
emma, that's exactly the soft, quiet tone of patience, awareness, and caring that I've felt from you before, where you seem to have created a space within yourself and your life and your relationship with your wife that allows emma to be there, even if behind the scenes, without overreaching the limits of what's possible. i admire your wisdom in this, but also know that inside is that sadness for not having been born female, or at least anatomically female, and the loss of everything that might have been that way, and that even with all possible transition it would still never be the same as that. when you feel that sorrow is when you need extra kindness toward yourself and your femaleness and you're still who you are no matter how you're dressed or seen by others. i just realized something interesting and valuable that i have to think about more... while I'm mostly content and appreciative of my dual gender, occasionally i wish for being all female, but I've never wished for being all male. i have to ponder that more.
emma, it sounds like you are continually progressing in accepting yourself more and more fully as transgender... exploring and even questioning yourself and answering your questions in different ways over and over again is probably part of that process, and especially valuable with the support and validation of others. that's just what you and probably all of us need to help in that process. you seem to usually come away from your therapist with more appreciation of yourself as emma and of course all of us here cherish you that way. I wonder if part of your explorations also involves the uncertainty of to what extent you identify as a female and how far you need and want and can optimally go in that, which may be two or three or more different things.
bravo with your communicating so well, supporting each other, and balancing your needs, even through being sick, which is such a challenge in itself. it seems like the dust is settling from the initial discovery shock and awe, and that there is much more security about your relationship and that you know each other so well, despite the one big new area, which means much less fear of the unknown. it's also great, kittennikki, that you are seem more content and less depressed since you can be yourself and perhaps closer than ever to bree. besides the relief and letting go of some big fears and inhibitions, maybe also making you feel better is the thrill or adventure of your new toys, clothes, explorations, and incredible acceptance and attention from bree in the most extraordinary ways. anyway, there's nothing like knowing you're loved and accepted!
bree,so much of your focus has been on nikki and meeting nikki's needs and that makes sense at the very beginning of the initial revelation. now, though, there has to be a place for both you meeting your needs and each other's on an ongoing basis, so I'm glad you're finding your voice or word to help you in that. that's sort of a second phase now with the new or changing nikki who has never been openly in a relationship to learn to share, not just feelings but understanding of you and your needs, and new for you to deal with that entity or aspect while staying true to yourself too. I think you are doing wonderfully in that incredibly challenging process which draws so heavily on every form of communication.
it sounds like your sexual excitement plays a big part in the ebbs and flows of how feminine you feel (and vice-versa) and how much you accept or reject or get scared about yourself that way. I find it never a good idea to make big decisions during the high of sexual excitement or desire, nor soon after intense climax. it's a different mind set than usual. but good for you that you recovered so fast from your little purge. There's nothing more private than your sexuality and sexual identity, so I consider it completely my decision about what to tell others. There's no moral superior or inherent superiority of any kind for how you roll with it. It's the most personal and changeable decision.
bree, it was a little hard for me to follow the details... I'm easily confused... but think I understood the main points and am thrilled that you made close contact with a friend going through a difficult time with her partner, even though a different kind, and that you had so much to share and help each other with through your understanding, support, and friendship. I also understand about the twix bar (v day always a good excuse for the forbidden fruit) and wishing to be a turtle, but I always wanted to be a cat and prefer chocolate, but as a cat I guess it would be catnip or tall grass or roast beef.