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Everything posted by Chrissy

  1. Chrissy

    Update - Anxiety

    Lisa, I can't imagine going through this with a spouse, but if there's anything I can do to help please let me know Having gone full-time as a woman now for about a month and a half I can say that it makes a huge difference, i've never been happier and more positive in my life. Good luck! Xoxo Christie
  2. Chrissy

    Catching up

    Hi everyone, I just noticed it's been about 3 weeks since I've written anything! It's been a bit of a whirlwind lately, but mostly in a good or great way. The biggest update is that as of October 19 my name will officially, legally become Christie Ann :-) Then begins the long process of changing my name everywhere (I have a lengthy list going - I just spent some time prioritizing - driver's license, credit cards, HR at work, etc.). Using that as a basis I sent a group-wide email to family members - cousins and extended family - telling them about my transition and my name change. I've heard back - positively - from several of them already. This coming Thursday is my next endocrinologist appointment, so hopefully my HRT prescription will be increased. In general, presenting as a woman has become far more second-nature. I was thrown a little today when I went shopping, the person at Loft started using male pronouns, but I realized it was just because when I went to open an account I had to give her my driver's license, so it was understandable (though still, I was standing right there, openly shopping at store that only sells women's clothing...) Anyway... I do need to resume working on my voice. Work-wise, I got a promotion recently. Although I'm still doing the functions I was doing, they added some marketing responsibilities (website and social media specifically), and increased my pay grade, with a pretty nice salary increase. It makes the prospect of some surgery next summer much more feasible (I'm thinking about top surgery next summer). There are still some things that don't feel quite right - but in general things are moving in a better direction (including my shoulder, which is starting to get back some mobility). One thing I observed about myself last night is that I tend to wait for things to happen rather than doing things. It shows itself the most with my excessive checking of email and twitter. I need to work on that. Anyway, that's my update for now :-) xoxo Christie
  3. Chrissy

    Out and about

    Eve, I love the pics! I'm a city girl myself, don't like too much nature around me, but I enjoy looking at it in photos Enjoy Luxembourg! Xoxo Christie
  4. Chrissy

    Check out my new ride

    Ooh, triumph! That was my first choice. I used to work on cars with a friend when I lived in North Carolina (I was a straight man in those days) The parking spot near my apt was $150 a month, a bit much when I didn't really need a car at all
  5. Chrissy

    Check out my new ride

    That is such a cute car Several years ago I indulged and bought an older MG midget - something I had wanted for a long time - it was short lived, being in NYC I didn't have the resources (money) to keep it.
  6. Chrissy

    These Things Project

    Finally got around to reading the rest - these are all quite vivid and well-stated - I do hope you are still seeing someone to talk about these things? The phrase "hopeless ambition" really struck me - in the midst of my sleepless depression last night I think that phrase summed up much of how I felt - and how I continue to feel - full of ambition, but feeling that it has nowhere to go. It's still an improvement from before transitioning when I had no ambition (it feels a little worse, but I know it's really better)
  7. Ok people, sorry for the bummer of a subject line, but a week of insomnia isn't conducive to optimism It could be from my shoulder surgery, but as each day passes that seems unlikely - it's not hard getting comfortable anymore, I just stay wide awake. I think it is, indirectly transition-related. It's not because of transitioning, but because the transition had been so all-consuming for awhile that I had put aside other concerns. Now that i'm acclimating more to transitioning (though not completely yet), i'm faced with the feeling again that so much of my life feels like a vast, empty wasteland, no matter what way I go, or if I don't go anywhere, it's all the same nothing. Transitioning in this context takes on a new feeling - if i'm going down I might as well go down as me and not a fake sorry for the downer entry - needed to get it out Christie
  8. Chrissy

    Insomnia sucks...and other stuff too...

    UPDATE - at least one of the trouble spots took a move in the right direction today - it looks like my job transition is on it's way to happening, it's just a matter of figuring out the money (everyone seems to agree that I should get more money since they're adding to my job - it's just a question of how much). It isn't going exactly as I would have liked (which would have been a clean transition to our marketing department, vs. merging part of that job into my current job), but it's still a great (hopeful) change
  9. Chrissy

    Insomnia sucks...and other stuff too...

    Thank you all for your feedback Now that I'm in front of a computer I feel like I should add some detail since I threw all that out there (I wrote that on my phone last night - I was kind of surprised at how short it looked this morning considering how long it seemed to take to write!) First, I definitely am talking to my therapist about everything! Over the past few sessions we've actually move away from transitioning issues a bit - not completely of course, but recognizing that it isn't the only issue that I need to work through. I think my current malaise/insomnia is a collection of "problems" that are touching on a number of big areas (job, home, health) - none of them individually devastating, but collectively it makes sense that they could drag me down. They will all resolve over time, hopefully not too much time! (the job issue should come to a head one way or another this week). What's compounding the problem is that usually writing in a journal helps me work through some things, or at least reduce their impact. But I'm left-handed, and my surgery was on my left shoulder - although my hand works fine, I was a little surprised at how much your full arm is really necessary when writing long-hand, and how difficult it currently is. I think that's contributing to a bottling-up - I could type things, but somehow that never seems to have the same emotional impact for me as hand-writing (even when I'm working on plays I always write the first draft long-hand).
  10. Chrissy

    These Things Project

    Ren, I read the first couple of entries for now, will read the rest later, but I wanted to say how encouraging it is to see how well you seem to understand and examine the things that trouble you ("trouble" seems insufficient, bit it's all I can think of at the moment). There's still no doubt a long journey ahead, but understanding where you are starting from is a vital first step. For so long I knew something was wrong, very wrong, but couldn't identify it, or worse, I misidentified it. Stay strong! And please keep sharing xoxo Christie
  11. Chrissy

    3 Weeks on HRT

    Hi everyone, I've now been on HRT for 3 weeks - I know the dosage started low, so my expectations of seeing "drastic" changes was set accordingly. Having said that, these are the things I've observed (or think I've observed) so far: (1) Sex drive - this has definitely flat-lined at this point, and it's been the case for over a week now. Attractions are still there, but desire to act on them is non-existent. Masturbation has also gone away entirely (which frees up a good amount of time on the weekends!) I'm sure this is just an adjustment and will come back, but it's the one impact I can say has definitely happened. (2) Skin - I'm less positive about this, but I think my skin may be smoothing out. I first noticed this last weekend, I was sitting watching TV and randomly put my hand on my leg and it felt different, softer and smoother. Now I also think it's happening on my arms (3) Voice - this one i'm almost positive isn't real, but I want to track everything - one of my supervisors said that she thinks my voice is sounding more feminine. I did explain that as far as I know HRT shouldn't have any impact on my voice, but who knows. (4) Appetite - hard to be specific about this one, but I've noticed subtle changes in my appetite, both in terms of how much I eat (less) and what I eat (better) (5) Emotional state - this is subtle, but I think present. I feel like I have now left behind the nagging (and depression inducing) question of "who am I?" or "who am I supposed to be?", and now my focus is on "what do I want to do?" and "how do I want to spend my time?" - questions that have always been present, but harder to address back when I was spending so much time and effort faking who I was. It almost seems silly now to think that I could have known what I wanted from my life when I was trying to convince everyone (including me) that I was a gay man. xoxo Christie
  12. Chrissy

    3 Weeks on HRT

    SPeaking of 2 identities (from your first comment Eve), I really can't wait until my legal name change goes through, it will remove the last bits of confusion over which name I need to or should use. Obviously with doctors I still need to use my old name, although most of them put Christie in the file. Today I bought a futon and realized it was easier to just use my old name, as that's the name on the credit card and this was a one-time interaction (though after the fact I realized that it might have seemed odd to him that I look like I do and have a very male name). It'll be nice when I'm legally Christie and have all my documents in order :-)
  13. Chrissy

    3 Weeks on HRT

    It's interesting, I was thinking before that I should try to see if I can climax - the interest has been so non-existent I haven't even tried, but I do want to see if the functioning is there or not.
  14. Chrissy

    Work ID

    So today I almost got kept out from going back to work from lunch!!! Ok not really. But! We have ID cards to get into the building - mine hasn't been updated yet re my name and picture (for no apparent reason I was waiting until my legal name change went through, but HR confirmed I don't need to). When we scan into the building our pic comes up on a computer monitor at the security post near the entrance. Usually this doesn't matter as I know all of the security people so I doubt they even look at the screen. Today after lunch I entered through a side door where there was just one, new security guard. AS I waited fot the nearby elevator I saw that he kept looking between the screen and me, looking confused I don't know what he would have done, a maintenance person I know happened along right then and stared chatting with me, confirming I work there. (Pretty sure I could have convinced him if I had to) Anyhow, tomorrow morning i'm going to get a new card with corrected name and picture
  15. Chrissy

    Work ID

    Stephanie, You're thinking of Reminder Rabbit! :-) (great, now I want to get a stuffed rabbit) Christie
  16. Chrissy

    Work ID

    My furry friend is "motivation monkey" :-) She's a visual reminder to keep doing the things I know I want/need to do (I really just bought her at a time when I thought that would be helpful, so I figured I'd give her the job)
  17. Chrissy

    Work ID

  18. Chrissy

    A testing day out

    Eve, It's so nice to pass another "test"! I feel like i'm still hitting then on a daily basis - today it was a shopping mall near me. Every day going out as authentic me still feels hard, but every day also seems to have new rewards for doing just that xoxo Christie
  19. Chrissy

    Still working on name changes

    I started a list a few weeks ago so that i'll be ready when my name change is final - i add things to it almost daily. I don't even want to think about how long it will take to actually do the changes (I am prioritizing the list of course, and can't wait to start!)
  20. Chrissy

    Female Intuition?

    Eve, I'm not sure how much I believe in female intuition per se, but I think that transitioning, and as a result being more comfortable and more in touch with oneself might lead to a similar phenomenon. Put the other way, it's hard to be intuitive when you're trying to pass yourself off as someone you're not, that takes a lot of energy xoxo Christie
  21. Chrissy

    The paint's dried

    I can't imagine anyone being annoyed - so glad you're sticking around
  22. Chrissy

    Episode 4 - Kate Bornstein!!!

    Happy Monday everyone! I'm continuing to watch and enjoy "I am Cait," both for watching her personal journey but also because it has managed to be a pretty informative show. Yesterday featured a particularly strange mix - Kate Bornstein and Kim Kardashian appearing in the same TV show (not at the same time, not sure how that would have worked out). Kate's appearance, to me, built on the good feeling I get about the show from the fact that Jenny Boylan has appeared on it (and I think will again?) One of the more poignant moments was Kate B. asking Cait J. how she was handling the "freak factor." The fact that so many people in the world see us as freaks. Caitlyn seemed a bit at a loss, responding that what she hoped they were doing there was trying to make it more normal - to which Kate replied that that was because she didn't like the idea of being a freak. This was juxtaposed with a later scene in which parents of trans kids compared it to living with a unicorn (I can't give more detail, but it was a very positive statement). In my own experience both positions exist in the world, over time the "unicorn" view should win out! I did wonder later if Caitlyn actually understands the "freak factor" at all. After all she is in her bubble - she doesn't really have to be exposed to anyone she doesn't want to be (vs. others who have to live lives out in the world). That's not a criticism, but I hope she takes what Kate B. said and works with it over the course of the show. I was a little distressed by people on twitter bemoaning the fact that there are occasionally Kardashians on the show - it would be pretty sad if Caitlyn excluded them, seeing as they are her family! And I think Kim and Chloe both played good roles last night in terms of bringing some valid issues to Caitlyn's attention (we're not the only ones who have to deal with our transition - even if it is our journey). The only thing I'd like to say to Caitlyn with respect to her family communication is to stop telling them "not to go there"! Communication has to be open (in my limited conversations with my sister, I may have thought those kinds of things, but I keep them to myself for now, giving her some time). *** It's shoulder surgery for me tomorrow morning :-( Hopefully that will get me back to the tennis courts soon! (won't be too soon, at least a couple of months of rehab most likely). I'm also going to a friend's birthday gathering this Thursday night (depending on how I'm doing after surgery). If so, this will be the first time going to a "straight" bar in full woman presentation! On the work front, this is "First Week" at school, so incoming students start classes today, which means the school will be much busier than it has been. The students I work directly with are 2nd and 3rd year, so they won't be around until next week. So now I get to see how it feels to be at a busy school :-) (they did create a gender neutral restroom last week - though I'm now comfortable enough using the women's room - the idea behind the gender neutral restroom is more about a place for anyone who might be uncomfortable sharing a restroom with a trans person). xoxo Christie
  23. Chrissy

    Episode 4 - Kate Bornstein!!!

    Then it was good you missed this episode! There were 2 of them - it didn't bother me, I really haven't been exposed to them much (at all), and at least in the small dose of this episode they were both tolerable
  24. Chrissy

    Week 1 - HRT and "Real Life Test"

    Good morning everyone, I've now finished just over a week on HRT, and a full business week with my "Real Life Test." There's nothing really to report on the HRT front, which isn't surprising. I did start a "chart" that I put on my bulletin board so that each week I can write down what, if any, changes I noticed. This week the only possible change was reduced libido - though I can't say that with 100% certainty yet. The "real life test" is another story. I broke through and wore my wig, along with breast inserts, to work and pretty much everywhere this week. This morning I had an appointment with a surgeon (about my shoulder) and for a moment I considered not wearing it there, but then decided that this is either full-time or it's not, I can't pick and choose. So I did it, and it went well. I did have to use my old name for insurance reasons, but they picked up on my transition quickly and added "Christie" to their records (the doctor needs a second to catch up - when he took me to his assistant to schedule surgery he alternated between "Miss Cunningham" and "he" - but that's fine :-) The only time I can see being out and not wearing the wig is to the gym - that may come as well, but for now I won't just because I don't know how wearing a wig on a treadmill would go :-) One pleasant discovery was a different type of band for holding the wig on. It's a band that goes around your hairline and fastens with velcro, and the wig holds on to that. Far more comfortable than pins, and so far it seems quite secure. Otherwise to make sure I keep moving forward I just remind myself to "do what I do" - meaning, don't deviate from what I would have otherwise done in order to avoid anyone seeing me with the wig on. I also went by the LGBT Center this week and got signed-up for their Transgender Resources "system." I have an intake scheduled in a few weeks so that I can hopefully join a closed support group (the drop-in one that happens the 1st Wednesday of each month has been a disappointment to me so far). They're also looking into places where I can donate clothing :-) xoxo Christie
  25. Chrissy

    Week 1 - HRT and "Real Life Test"

    Thank you all for your feedback Today I even ventured to my local grocery store, got a nice compliment from my favorite cashier! (She was my favorite before that) Eve, here's a pic of the band