Chrissy

Roxanne, Overcoming shopping anxiety is a great feeling! I recall the first times I went and bought women's clothing and how uncomfortable I felt doing it. Now I go to Kohl's and don't give it a second thought - it helps that i have never once gotten any kind of comment about it from the cashiers ("oh, are you buying this for your wife?" etc.) I very strongly suspect that a lot of stores make it a policy that their cashiers not make any kind of comment like that. If you have Payless shoes in your area you might try that, I've found them to have the best selection in larger sizes (i'm an 11 or 12, depending on the brand). They're also nice in that they group the shoes by size. xoxo Christie

I did it! I'm now at work, in wig and full dress (not a dress, just full dress). These are the kinds of things that make you so much more aware of every interaction you have with people. So far I haven't even noticed any strange looks, so perhaps I pulled it off. I'm going to meet with our Marketing Director later this morning, I asked her yesterday if she could give me some feedback (she's a big make-up person). Today is the first time also that I'm wearing foundation and contouring (to work that is). I might also ask her to take a pic for me :-)

Merci i'm not very good at selfies yet - years of not wanting pictures of me

Lisa, So happy that things are looking up for you good luck with your follow-up appointment! My first follow-up will be in september. Xoxo Christie

Monica, It often works! And there are times when it doesn't but for some valid reason. Here are some pics today, with make-up

Charli, Your pictures are really nice, you have a good eye for photography! As for "I am cait," I watched episode 2 and was generally happy with it - with a couple of reservations - but I won't risk spoiling it for you Xoxo Christie

One purpose of this entry is to "back myself into a corner" - by publicly stating a goal i'll hopefully feel more pressure to do it Next week at work I plan to (1) start wearing my wig, and (2) wear a skirt at least a couple of days. Below are a couple of pics from today - i didn't do makeup today, i'll do that tomorrow and post another

Quick update - I did get my prescription yesterday, and was able to pick it up and start taking it yesterday I almost flipped out at my doctor - when I went in to meet with him he pulled up my therapist's letter - FOR THE FIRST TIME! I had sent it over a month earlier, and it was just one short paragraph. The problem was that he started saying that he would like something more detailed, and I was afraid that would hold up the prescription. It didn't, he gave that to me anyway. So delay averted. He said that he's starting me slowly, so that I might not even notice the emotional changes as they happen. But he's a man, so what does he know. I'm hoping that sleep will return tonight. That last 2 nights I haven't been able to because of the excitement. I go back in about 8 weeks after getting blood work done again to see how it's going.

I really hope that the estrogen resolves my gluten-intolerance. I know it's unlikely, but I can hope (I want real pizza!!!) Eve, absolutely nobody is asking you to shut up forever - or at all!!! What it all comes down to for me - and this isn't just wardrobe, but across all aspects of my life - is being authentically me. Now since I'm a woman, that means being a woman, but I try not to be driven by that thought. (that seriously made sense in my head, but writing it out it suddenly doesn't - but i'll leave it in case it means something to anyone else). And I think I'm in agreement with everyone on one major angle of all of this - to the extent that someone is dressing a particular way because they want to look like a 20-something girl (assuming they're not), then that's something to be raised in therapy. That's a case where the person is probably not being their authentic self. Similarly, as Eve mentioned, if you're trying to look like what your male self thought a woman should look like, you're probably not being authentic to yourself (sorry for the endless "probably's," I try to avoid absolute statements). I should probably (ahh! there it is again!) add that my wardrobe is, in fact, fairly conservative. It's more colorful than my male wardrobe was (a good amount of pink), but still what most people would probably identify as moderate to conservative. Ann Taylor is my goal store If anything I can imagine my wardrobe getting a little more vibrant as my body starts to "look right" (I do own leather mini-skirts, but I've only ever worn them doing drag - and I don't so much care for boots of any height, I like shoes that are easier to take off) xoxo Christie

Well here we are - "the day." I had a very hard time sleeping last night. I tried to go to bed early to go to the gym in the morning, and I felt tired, but as soon as I turned off the light I was wide awake :-) I decided fairly quickly to abandon the idea of the gym (it was just putting more pressure on me to get to sleep), and I got up, took a unisom, and then laid on the couch with the TV on. I probably fell asleep a half hour later. I think that knowing that today was the day suddenly made it all so very real - and I'm still totally excited about it, but as Karen pointed out, anxiety is natural. You can't know going in just what changes will happen, but things will happen! Developing breasts, reducing penis and sex drive, smoother skin, losing body hair - and those are just the physical! Well anyway, I'm at work now, so I just have to try to focus on that until about 2:00 (5 hours!!!!!!!) xoxo Christie

Karen, I agree about relaxing at home. From the start I've pretty much done that, although I still consider it "dressing as a woman" (there's nothing I wear now that isn't female). But it does tend to be comfortable shorts and a t-shirt or tank top at home (I also have virtually no visitors, so being ready for an unexpected guest isn't really an issue). Up until now I definitely have tried to dress more feminine, in large part because it expresses who I am, and because I hadn't been doing that for SO long. It's also a way of counteracting the still-present male gender cues that I suffer from (yes, "suffer"). I'm guessing that once hormones start kicking in, and once electrolysis gets far enough along (and certainly after breast augmentation), my wardrobe choices might change (though they might not). In general I just try to dress the way I want :-) I think one important distinction might be in your phrase about blending in with women in your area. Having grown up in suburban New Jersey, and lived in North Carolina for 5 years, and now in the NYC area (between NYC and Jersey City) one thing I noticed is that in NYC fashions are all over the map, so "blending in" isn't really possible. By contrast there was a little more in common in how women dressed in NJ and NC. Although I'm absolutely not critical of anyone who makes this choice, the thought of "blending in" or "fitting in" makes me a cringe a little. Again, just personally it's not something I'd want to do. Perhaps it's because I'm still fairly early in transition and it makes me think of years of trying to fit in in the wrong gender :-) I try to use "being authentic" as my motivation in all areas, including wardrobe. xoxo Christie

I'm sitting here at work trying to focus on work, but far too distracted by the thought that tomorrow at 2:30 I have my next endocrinologist appointment! This is the one where I will (hopefully) get my HRT prescription(s). In the back of my mind is the fear that I'll get there and they'll say something is wrong and I can't do it. My therapist has done an admirable job trying to make me not worry about that. She pointed out that they hopefully would have contacted me already if there was a problem. That sounds right, but i doesn't completely extinguish the fear. She also earlier mentioned that the blood work was more for determining appropriate levels, not as much (or at all?) as a screening mechanism. So again, hopefully that's true :-) As for the "big" question, there is absolutely no doubt in my mind that this is the right thing. Anything that I had earlier that may have been doubt (but was more likely fear disguising itself as doubt - fear is a tricky little bastard) is gone, gone far away. One recent thing that confirms it is something I observed in the rest room the other day. As I was washing my hands I looked in the mirror and realized that I'm actually happy about how I look. This isn't narcissism, far from it, I don't think I'm "hot," I'm just happy about how I look. Go back a couple of years and that was absolutely never the case. A friend of mine once observed that I had no mirrors in my apartment, aside from the bathroom mirror. It was never a conscious thing, but it was true that I just wouldn't buy them, I didn't want to see myself! 22 1/2 hours to go :-) xoxo Christie

Roxanne, That sounds frightening! I hope everything is ok now. xoxo Christie

Monica, His NY office is indeed Manhattan - Park Avenue in fact. And the LA office is Beverly Hills. So I suppose I should have expected that he wouldn't be within my budget :-) I only started with him because he's the only doctor I could find listed in NYC as doing GRS. Fortunately there are also a few in Pennsylvania and that would be fairly convenient as well. Chrisite

That's correct - it was "maximum" of course, but I doubt the minimum is low enough either

Hello all, This past weekend I spent a lot of time out at the National Tennis Center in Queens, NY (where the US Open is played). The LGBT tennis group I belong to was hosting the Atlantic Cup (which is a team competition between our group and groups from Boston, Philadelphia, and Washington, DC). Although a shoulder injury keeps me from playing right now I went out to help and to stay in contact with the group (I've been a member for about 4 years, there are so many wonderful people there!). I experienced 2, and then a 3rd group of people with respect to my "new" identity. Most of the members of my group already knew about my transition, so those people were just seeing me for the first time as Christie. Then there were the players from the other cities who never knew me at all, so those people were meeting me as Christie - I especially enjoyed that. Then there was the group (of 2 people) I hadn't thought about - a couple of members of our group who didn't know. When one of them arrived he addressed me as [insert birth name here], and I realized that I needed to correct that. It was fairly simple, I just hadn't thought about it happening (especially as this was on Sunday, so I had already been around there for a day +). Everyone in the tennis group has been really great about it - as were all of the people from the other cities (and I know I'm not fully "passable," so many of them must have figured out that I was trans without being told). As far as my transition, well I have my endocrinologist appointment later this week, so I'm quite excited about that :-) I'm holding off on any decision or action about a wig. I need to let electrolysis move along a little further, and give hormones a chance to start making physical changes. In the meantime I'll continue working with my natural hair to see what I can do with it. I will occasionally wear the wig out socially, I just won't "pull the trigger" on wearing it to work just yet. I did reach out to one surgeon via email - I explained that it was very early but that I wanted to get some basic information, especially about timing, so that if and when the time comes that I decide I'm ready for surgery I'll have an idea of what to do. The one I contacted was the only one in NYC listed as doing all FTM surgeries. Well, it turns out his maximum price for SRS is $60,000. That, together with the fact that he only does that surgery in Los Angeles, pretty much makes him a non-starter for me. On Thursday I'm planning to ask the endocrinologist if he has an recommendations. xoxo Christie

Episode 2 was on last night, and since I wrote last week after watching the first episode (which I was generally happy with) I thought I'd continue. This week was quite interesting because she got together with a number of transwoman (sad that there were no transmen), all of whom had far more obstacles in the way of their transition than Caitlyn did. While I liked that fact, I was still disappointed in the overall lack of diversity in the group. In addition to the fact that there were no transmen, all of these women, while they had difficulties (to say the least) in transitioning, all have now successfully transitioned, and all of them appear very female ("passing" if you will). I don't think there was one of them who, if I saw them on the street, I would think was a transwoman. I thought about that compared to the group I went to at the Lesbian/Gay Center here in the New York, which had far greater diversity (disclaimer - that group is also all transwomen, but only because transmen and transwomen have their own separate meetings). The main diversity in this group is the extent to which people have transitioned. In some cases (like me), it's a matter of time, in other cases people have gone as far as they want, or as far as they can, and in most cases would be "read" fairly easily on the street. I don't say that in any way critically of anyone! But obviously the experiences of the people in this group are far more diverse, particulary in the present context. It does look hopeful for next week though, when I think she is meeting with a transgender group in San Francisco who are less fortunate (and I think includes at least one transman). More troubling were her comments about social welfare. It can be easy to forget that she is Republican, and obviously holds some of the pro-wealthy positions of the Republican Party. Talking about not wanting people to start becoming dependent on the government! That's on the oldest and most sickening lies of the Republican Party (think about Ronald Reagan's "welfar queen" crap).

Brigsby, Wow, I would like to say that I can't believe that line of questioning (about masturbation, etc.), but sadly I can. I could see some questioning of sexual interest and/or fantasies, but positions!?!? Wow. I was discussing that part of the procedure with my therapist the other day and the fact that you need letters from 2 people to be approved for surgery. Neither of us knew if that meant I'd have to see a second psychologist (or something) for a few months. When I see my endocrinologist next week I'm going to ask about surgeon referrals so that I can start talking to them about what exactly is required. It sounds like at least in that area our 2 countries are similarly annoying (to say the least) about the process. "Informed consent" should really be enough. I'm a f*@#ing adult!!! Anyway - good luck! Christie

Warren, That's so great to hear about your job! Having a supportive work environment is so incredibly helpful (my own has been, some people here seem almost excited about it). It seems strange that top surgery would have an HRT requirement, after all there are certainly women who get it done who aren't transgender. And it seems like even if you weren't transgender it would be something you'd want. And that was a great video - and once again well-timed, at least for me (I recall your video explaining pansexual vs. bisexual happened right after I had been thinking about the subject, mere hours earlier). I filed my name change papers in New Jersey this week - I'm changing to Christie Anne (Christie was my birth middle name, Anne just sounded good - and it's Debbie Gibson's middle name, without the "e"). The filing fee in NJ is $250, and you also have to publish in a statewide newspaper both the court date (in case anyone wants to object) and when it's finalized, which I've been told typically takes about 4 months, so I should have it done around November (which works out nicely, by then I should be on HRT for a couple of months). In case anyone else reading is in NJ, here's a link to the name change paperwork - https://www.judiciary.state.nj.us/prose/10551_namechg_adult.pdf xoxo Christie

Eve, I'm sorry to see you go! I've enjoyed reading your entries, though I know I don't always comment (I'm rather hot and cold about that in general, I often feel like I'm so early in my own transition that I wouldn't have anything useful to add). I wish you the best! xoxo Christie

Eve, I also recently contacted my brother to let him know (admittedly via email). I don't anticipate his reaction being very supportive, but with him and my sister I'm not that concerned, we haven't been close in a number of years. And yes, "rest room" means "toilets" :-) And you're correct, women here don't tend to do that (I guess I can't speak on that with authority just yet, but it seems unlikely). Christie

Hi everyone, So, I watched "I am Cait" last night, I think I honestly went in fairly objectively. I was concerned about another Kardashian-like reality show, but encouraged by Caitlyn's comments at the Espy Awards. Overall I was happy with the show. It's only the first episode of course, but I very much appreciated her comments in support of those trans* people who are less fortunate than her, and in her reaching out to the family who lost their son to suicide. Highlighting these issues, while telling her own transition story, could/should be very helpful to the trans* community in general - I hope (the only time I got nervous was when Kanye showed up - be he didn't do anything stupid fortunately). She had me tearing up early on with some of her opening comments, and then full-on crying at the end talking about the suicide problem (I feel it coming on again thinking about it). One thing I thought during the show was that I hope some of my family members watch this. xoxo Christie (P.S., on the personal front - 10 days until my endocrinologist appointment and hopefully HRT prescription! I got excited yesterday when I realized the appointment is next Thursday rather than next Friday as I had been thinking - 1 less day to wait than I thought!!!)

I just took the quiz and got "strong femme" (33-40, so it was just outside of androgynous).

Tara, Thank you so much for sharing - it was incredibly interesting! Especially as I'm moving towards HRT shortly (in the next few weeks) and am starting to think seriously about GRS. Reading about personal experiences is so incredibly helpful (recognizing that everyone's experience is a little different). xoxo Christie

Eve, On your question about transitioning and helping others understand there are of course multiple variations. When it's family and friends I think one of the more important things is giving them time, but without hindering your own transition in the process. For me that's mainly about my sister, who responded the most negatively (actually she's been the only direct negative reaction I've had). But I know it took me time to get used to it, so i give her time. The more troubling angle is the far-too-many people who I read in the comments section of most of the transgender rights op-ed pieces I've been reading in the NY Times recently. To so many of them I just think "haters gotta hate." I had gotten into the bad habit of responding (usually angrily) to some of them, but I've learned instead to simply add my own comment and try to reasonably address what I see. Just today I commented that several people suggested that we (trans* people) were making "demands" and forcing them to "adjust their actions" (this was all in an op-ed piece about rest rooms). I simply asked in response "what demands exactly?" In doing this I'm not trying to change the minds of the "haters," but rather hope to reach those in between, who aren't yet allies but aren't as narrow-minded about the subject. Perhaps they'll then notice that the only "demand" we're making is to be able to use the appropriate rest room in peace (what nerve we have!!!) I agree with your thoughts - it would be nice for people to realize that their individual interests are also (often) served by contributing to the general interests. xoxo Christie