Chrissy

In my work with Identity House, the very first time I did the peer counseling, the client we had was a person who came in to discuss "concerns about transgender thoughts" - he (he still identified as he) seemed very positive about the interaction (we spoke for about an hour and a half), which felt really good :-)

I watched season 1 because I felt like I should, but I decided as that season ended that I wouldn't watch it again (and apparently I'm not alone, ratings are WAY down from last year). The comment I heard that she made that shocked me was that she thought she could be an ambassador for Ted Cruz to the transgender community. I don't think either side wants that!!!

It would be really nice if medical science could finally confirm something biological to establish being transgender - though increasingly I only hope for that for the benefit of people who don't think it's real at all. Having been "out" for a year now, and on HRT and fully presenting as a woman for 7 months, I have no doubt that it's "nature" :-)

That sounds very encouraging - good luck! If only they could do breast transfusions, I'd be in NH in a second

Congratulations Nicky :-) I just passed 7 months on HRT and it's been a wonderful journey

Hi all, It's been awhile since I've been able to write - very busy at work, and outside of work (the outside part is all good, but tiring). In a prior post I wrote about an "exit strategy" from my current job, and that point has advanced substantially. Several weeks ago I had breakfast with my electrologist (her appointment after me had cancelled). I was telling her about my job issues and half-jokingly asked if she knew anyone who was hiring. She replied that I was asking the wrong question, and that what I needed to ask (myself) is what is my passion, and how can I make a career out of that? It took virtually no time at all to figure it out once I had that question in mind and I've decided to try to pursue an MSW (Masters of Social Work) and try to become a therapist. Long ago I had thought about pursuing that career, but never followed-through. Looking back now and realizing the impact of gender dysphoria, I think that it was impossible (or at least improbable) that I could have figured out what my passion was, much less follow-through on it, until I came out as transgender (which, BTW, was a year ago this month). Earlier this year I started volunteering with Identity House - a group that provides peer counseling, support groups, and therapy referrals for LGBTQ people in the NYC area. I've never done anything that has given me as much personal satisfaction as this! So at this point I've applied to 2 MSW programs, that might be about it, I had to choose based on some logistical constraints - but one of them is Rutgers University, which has a well-regarded MSW program. xoxo Chrissy

Love the top! I think your therapist's advice was great - "stop thinking" - that came up recently when I was doing my volunteer hours (peer counseling) and the client who came in was "concerned about transgender thoughts" - he was quite smart, a college student, and clearly was spending a lot of time analyzing the situation from an academic perspective - I was trying to find subtle ways to share that same advice, to stop thinking! I know from my own experience that I can over-analyze and there are just situations where that will drive you crazy ("analysis paralysis" is what one therapist called it)

Last Thursday I went to Albany, NY for a surgery consultation (Surgeon who does breast augmentation + surgeon who works with transgender patients + takes my insurance = go to Albany). The surgery won't happen until August, I have to be on HRT for a full year before insurance will cover it (they'll cover it if I'm "not comfortable with the growth that occurs after a year on HRT"), so it's tentatively scheduled for August 12. I got the basics down - it's an outpatient procedure that will take about an hour. He took measurements and photos so that we can work on size issues later. But most important! As I waited in the exam room for the surgeon I took a moment for a "gut check" - periodically when something is becoming "more real" I like to stop and reflect on how I feel in that moment. This time, as with every other gut check moment so far, the feedback was "great!" I am still checking around for other surgeons - even if I go with this one I know I should talk to more than 1 (I did like him though) xoxo Chrissy

This is basically part 2 of my previous entry about work issues. I totally agree with everyone who followed-up suggesting holding out until surgeries are done, I can't imagine starting a new job and then telling them I'm going to be out for X weeks, so better to do it now, which also lets me get more experience. The problem is that that's an "exit strategy," but it doesn't address how to cope on a daily basis with a job situation that I find basically humiliating. I don't like the idea of trying to just see it as a job, but that might be the only way. The other important piece that I came across recently involves performing - and doing something that I feel passion about. As some may know I have done some performing during a friend's drag show (earlier I would say that I was doing drag, but that isn't accurate anymore). A couple of weeks ago I did this and after I was done thought I had decided that it was time to give it up. The issue was that while I kind of enjoyed doing it, I didn't feel like I was bringing enough to it to warrant it (I don't sing, I can't dance...what else?). But then last week I was at her show - not performing just to see it - she had another guest so at one point she says "I'm going to do one more song and then bring up my guest." I had a strange feeling of excitement. I knew it wasn't me, I wasn't performing, but I still for a second reacted like I was. That's when I realized that I do still want to do it - I just have to find my angle. So yesterday I signed up for a beginner's jazz dance class :-) Passion is definitely something that I'm missing, so I'm excited to pursue this possible venue! xoxo Chrissy

That was the "Reagan Revolution" over here - intentionally drive up deficit spending (on the military mainly) so that they could justify shutting down government services (a "starve the beast" approach).

Although I have to say that I'm not a fan of sayings that make wolves out to be bad :-) (I'm a big wolf lover)

Sadly it seems (from my U.S. view) that right wing idiots seem to be on the rise throughout Europe, even in my beloved France! Don't get me wrong, we're doing what we can to keep pace (Donald Trump and Ted Cruz specifically - Trump isn't really right-wing, but definitely an idiot). My view is that it's a global issue of economic inequality getting bigger and bigger every year, which drives all sorts of bad things among the have-nots (when you have very little you tend to start focusing on the "others" who you suspect are trying to take what you have).

One finger is customary here :-) Fortunately I find the situation upsetting and even aggravating, but not depressing - really nothing has made me depressed since last February when I came out

I could almost think it's something about me, but it's not. In my previous position with the school I provided administrative support to the Law Review (a student publication). Under the original faculty publisher I had a lot of responsibility, and it grew over time. Then a new faculty publisher came in and suddenly I found my position gradually (though not slowly) being diminished. She never bothered to even learn what I did and started giving the students more and more responsibility which had formerly been mine (and responsibility that they really couldn't handle given their schedules). So I felt like I was effectively demoted without changing positions. In September I moved to the Marketing Department and immediately loved my new job, my new responsibilities, and my new boss. At the time I reported directly to the Vice President of Marketing, and she gave me quite a bit of autonomy in my position (maybe too much, who knows). In December the VP left. In the interim her management responsibilities were split between another VP and a manager in our department (I took on some of her non-management responsibilities). So for the transition period I knew that I was working under that manager. I wasn't thrilled by that - I like her, but she's not a very good supervisor (her communication skills are seriously lacking). But I figured I could survive, and they were pretty quick in finding a new VP, so all seemed good. Then in early January the Dean sent an email to the entire school announcing the new VP. At the bottom of that email he also mentioned that the manager I had been temporarily working under had been promoted to Assistant VP, and among her responsibilities was supervising some of the Marketing Dept., INCLUDING ME!!! So, I had been once again effectively demoted (adding a new person/position directly above you in the chain of command is a demotion), and only found out about it through an email that went to the entire school. I decided over the weekend that there really isn't much I can do about the situation except start to develop an exit strategy. I've only been in this position for about 5 months, and it's a new role, so I definitely need to hold out longer and learn more. I'd also like to get through my surgeries while I'm still here rather than having to deal with that with a new employer (especially GRS since it will involve a longer recovery time). While it's nice to have an exit strategy in mind, it doesn't help much in terms of getting through day-to-day. So anyway, I just needed to get that out somewhere :-) xoxo Chrissy

It's been almost a year since I first openly acknowledged to myself, and then my therapist, that I am transgender (it was sometime in February). That got me to thinking last night about gender dysphoria. Early on I had read many accounts of people's experiences with GD, and I was having a hard time relating - most included comments about "knowing from early childhood that I was a girl trapped in a boy's body," etc., and I didn't really have those memories (I also recognized that at 48 years old I don't have a whole lot of any childhood memories). Then I started seeing other stories - including Janet Mock's - that resonated quite soundly with me! It was more about experiencing being the "wrong gender" as opposed to consciously knowing it. So I settled down, and the road has been much smoother since then. Anyway, on the point of GD. The best evidence that I now have that I had it is that I clearly no longer have it - it's in it's absence that it's most noticeable! On that day last February when I came out, a lifetime of depression and malaise lifted immediately and has not returned (not that i don't have down times, but it's not the same existential crisis that it used to be). I get really annoyed/angry when i hear about those who question if GD is real, or how serious it is - I know what my life was before and since, and my GD was very, very serious, even if I didn't recognize it as GD (for a good part of my life I don't know if the concept of GD even existed). Just some thoughts on the approach of my anniversary :-) (well, one of my anniversaries - I just have to figure out what date it was) xoxo Chrissy (BTW, I'm trying out "Chrissy" as a nickname)

Thank you Veronica :-) I tend to think that I wasn't capable of that kind of smile until say about a year ago. Eve, I just want the storms out of here, where they go from there is none of my business ;-) xoxo Chrissy

Ren, Good luck with insurance and surgery! It really seems like even aside from dysphori you have medical issues with your breasts that they should cover. But it is insurance (mind only came around to covering transition costs because New York made them, it would be great of more states, or the federal government, would do the same). The problem with friends sounds complicated! At the risk of sounding new agey or Oprah-ish, I think the longer you live your more authentic life the more likely you are to start meeting new friends who will be more compatible with you. Not that it means giving up existing ones, just adding new - which might relieve some of the issues with the old ones. And of course you always have us to talk to Xoxo Chrissy

For me it was Whitney Houston. To this day it hurts to think that she is gone. Even with her later music, when her voice wasn't what it had been, i couldn't listen to her without feeling something, and that is truly a gift.

That's wonderful - congrats!

On February 8 I have an appointment with a surgeon to discuss top surgery I'd have to wait until August for insurance to cover, but I wanted to start seeing what's involved. He's in Albany, but that's not too far and he's in-Network for insurance. Unrelated - today in Jersey City

I got some relatively good news from my insurance company today (I don't think I've ever written or said that before!). They definitely cover GRS - after I pay a $1500 deductible (which is fine, they cover 100% after that). Initially I thought they didn't cover breast augmentation as it is listed on the "exclusions" list - but then after the agent said that it should be I found a later reference in the document saying that if, after 12 months of hormones, you don't feel they have grown sufficiently to feel comfortable for your gender, breast augmentation may be covered. I think since I didn't start HRT until 49 yo it's likely they won't grow that much from hormones alone, so this will probably be covered as well.

Yay! It is quite a pain when you suddenly have to do more to get a name change through, especially considering how many places you have to do it in the first place! I had a similar incidence with the Social Security office with my gender - the person in the office misstated the rules and refused to do the correction, I wrote to the SSA office in Washington and then got an apologetic call from the local office, then they fixed it - they didn't offer me any money though

August 10 is my "new" birthday - the day that I officially started "presenting" full-time as a woman

Hi all, I've been a very bad TGGuide citizen, the new job has kept me much busier than the former! I had an appointment with my endocrinologist yesterday - my testosterone level is down to 318 now (from mid-400s last time) - so it's getting there! He increased my estrogen prescription to 3mg/day, and said to go up to 4mg in a couple of months, then I'll see him again shortly after that :-) On the less medical side, I had 2 medical professionals (my endocrinologist and therapist) both say to me yesterday that I very definitely seem more comfortable with myself - that's exactly what my therapist said - the endocrinologist was a bit more wordy, he's a doctor, it's hard for them to get to the point :-) And I very definitely feel that way! I've started to explore top surgery, hopefully to happen this summer (I'll have been on HRT for a full year in early August). It helps a lot that our insurance provider confirmed that they are covering transition expenses now (in compliance with New York law), though they clearly haven't figured out what that means yet. I should get more detail in the next few days. xoxo Christie

Likewise to all