Hi Jeff,

I just came across your post; you bring up many understandable concerns and worries. I certainly agree:

- There are no objective tests to determine if one is transgender.

- We all wish our feelings, the ones we experience as trans and for our children, would just go away.

- We all worry that we will be miserable in life, marginalized and unloved.

And yet, we know, from clear existence proofs, that transgender people really exist. The science is trying to catch up, just give it time.

I’m 62, and since I was in preschool I wished my feelings would just go away. Believe me, please, I’ve tried. I’ve been married twice, the second time for more than 20 years to a woman who still loves me dearly and I love her too. But in the end I tried to commit suicide a couple of times because I wasn’t living authentically.

As a trans woman I am not miserable in life. Yes, it has its challenges but it’s actually very delightful compared with the alternative where I was largely waiting for life to run out.

I don’t suppose you’ll find that very helpful.  For me, the first step was to do enough research to convince myself that to be transgender is real, valid. After that, I struggled with determining that I am indeed trans. And then, what to do about it. 

I suggest you try following a similar path. Determining if your child is trans or not is tough of course. No, no one is going to push hormones or surgeries before your child and you/your wife are ready. That said, there may be an urgency to all this to start puberty blockers. From what I have seen and read they are harmless. But you need to convince yourself. Please talk to all the professionals you can find. 

Note also, please, that there is a conference in early August in Seattle called Gender Odyssey. They have a Family Program that you may find very helpful. I suggest that you look into it.

With warm regards,

Emma

"Girl haircuts and clothing are the only choices and that if this is what she wants to choose when she is 18, then I can't stop her."  -- Jeff

And if [she] IS transgender, and doesn't make it to 18?  What then?  Will you be happy?  The suicide rate for transgender people is disproportionately and sickenly higher than in any other group.  Not trying to scare you or make you feel bad... I just think there's a bigger picture you need to be consider rather than your own misplaced pain.

If [she] IS transgender, by 18, the poison of estrogen will have widened [her] hips, put fat where [she] will not want it, and put breasts on [her] chest...which [she] will no doubt despise and be disgusted by.

You will find all the documentation you want that debunks the existence transsexuality... doesn't make it factual.  Just bolsters what you choose to believe.  For now, the only proof it actually exists is differences in the brain - but that can only be discovered after one is dead.

If [she] IS transgender, [she] is NOT mentally ill... as are none of the rest of us.  Only a competent mental health professional will be able to help you all - and [her] - determine if [she] is indeed trans, or just suffering the hellish trials of growing up.  I was at least heartened to learn that you are getting counselling for your son... he has learned this unacceptance by those around him.  Hopefully he is still young enough to learn and realize that homophobia and transphobia is not pretty, and that GLBT people are no different than straight and cisgender (non-transgender) people.

If [she] IS transgender, this is just as hard on [her] as on you... if not more so.  But any hardship [she] may be enduring is not of [her] making... but of the society around [her] that villifies people like us for no good or logical reasons.

I wish all of you - but especially your child - good luck.

-Michael

P.S.  I would recommend that you consider checking out the Transgender Children & Youth forum.  And even the FTM Discussion forum

Dear Jeff,

May I add to Emma's and Mike's excellent comments that there are excellent stories on YouTube, if you would go to www.YouTube.com, and Google, "Transgender Children." There you will find some excellent stories about children who are transgender and their parents. 

Also, there is a PBS channel that has some excellent programming on this topic, called World Channel. Their website is www.WorldChannel.org. 

Please stay in touch and feel free to ask questions. We are here for you.

Yours truly,

Monica

Dear Christy,

Your advice is spot-on, but I meant YouTube for the parents, NOT the children. Am very sorry I did not make this more clear.

Yours truly,

Monica

Dear Jeff,

Nothing wrong with your child. He is a transgender male. Even he yet to transition medically by being on Hormones replacement therapy. Your son had already started transitioning to a boy. He is doing this that are non-medical but it’s part of transitioning. 

Please understand a child not having a support group specially from family will hurt, destroy his world that is safe haven with the love he gets from his family. 

Im puerto rican Serbian and my experience as younger age when my mom was alive she basically told me what I’m doing is sick and not normal. My mom said to me do I need to see a doctor and be lock up to get treatment. I knew right away to be with my mom who I love I shut down and made sure I was not doing anything wrong or what they consider sick, disgusting. My mom and her side of the family was all Puerto Rican and old school. I never knew my father or my father side of the family.

I started to had bad depression, anxiety and complete shut down. As I got older I started to really found my own voice and made a choice if my family don’t accept, understand or want me around I was prepared to disappear for good.

Still today I still struggle even I am older and been diagnosed me with gender dysphoria and I reach out to Hormones replacement therapy doctor and started transitioning medically with medication. I do see my primary doctor, psychiatrist and therapist for they are my support system. I do want to address static show that all transgender do attempt suicide one or more and end in death. 

I attempted suicide once been lock up in psycho ward. Now I’m doing what is right for me cause I always identiy myself female and never like my male body. 

Please do understand young youth do struggle more stuff cause they don’t have the resources and can’t escape from every day problems of being bully or threats from there peers. 

You ask a parent can’t change people minds but you can educate them. Please get educated and discuss everything as a family and do take your son to professional who specializes in gender dysphoria or had been train in it. 

As for medication won’t be given until you, your wife and transgender son fully understand the process and what treatment is plan out has been given by the psychiatrist or therapist. 

As for other children you have please make sure the communication is open and they are aware of their transgender brother have feelings too. Their trans brother is not doing anything wrong or doing this to push them away or hurt them. 

To everyone that has commented on my post.... thank you.  I am trying to get as much information as possible to help my child.  She is very upset about starting to grow breasts.  I got her KT tape and learned how to use it.  My wife and her did the actual taping but I directed as I know the most about it.  We are also going to get her a binder to see if she likes that in addition or instead.  I am really trying to help my child and the pain is awful.  Watching videos of a transgender man with a beard putting on trans tape having long sagging boobs is very disconcerting.  It doesn't seem right at all.  I see both of my daughter's friends in little dresses and hair and nails done and want that sooooo badly for my daughter.  I do not want her to be in this world.  Almost everyone who is transgender seems to have attempted suicide at least once or thinks about it very often.  Some of you have even mentioned this in your posts.   While I understand that you believe you are transgender,  has this decision to live this way really made your lives better?   If I am coming across as callous or unfeeling I don't mean to.  I am asking serious questions.  

Dear Jeff,

No, you're not coming across as callous at all. All I hear is a very concerned and worried father trying to do his loving best for his child. I have several thoughts I'd like to share:

1. Helping your daughter bind her breasts. On the one hand that's so kind and thoughtful of you. On the other it reminds me of the boy sticking his finger in the dyke. The waters are going to rise, her puberty is going to continue. I dearly hope that in parallel with this you are working with a qualified gender therapist and considering puberty blocker. 

2. "I do not want her to be in this world." Are you more worried about her not becoming and rejoicing in being a young woman? Or, are you worried about how society may treat her? 

3. Suicide: yes, 41% of trans adults in the US have attempted it at least once. I have, 2-3 times. The last one (about 3 years ago as I recall) was very close. Why do we do this?  Because we are so torn up inside, losing the fight against our gender dysphoria and feeling helpless in the battle to become our authentic selves. For teens it's even harder because they have no resources and are so desperate for their parents' love and support. Without that they are stuck, not knowing what to do. They also know lots about how teens are committing suicide. 

4. "While I understand that you believe you are transgender,  has this decision to live this way really made your lives better?" Yes, I am 100% better off than before. I have no doubt in my mind that I am living authentically as the real me. Do I wish I was born female? Of course, and it saddens me that I wasn't. But there's nothing I can do about that and my life is so much richer and happy than I've ever been before. 

I believe your question comes from an understandable lack of understanding. I'm sure you've heard that people whose internal sense of gender matches their birth sex are called cisgender or "cis," and those whose gender doesn't match are transgender or "trans." Clearly, you are a cis male: great! I'm happy for you, I really am. But because of that it's so hard to wrap your mind around what it is to be trans. It just seems odd, foreign, unreal. But real it is. 

I'll share a story about me. I am very binary in that I have no doubt that my gender is female. But the label "transgender" is an umbrella term that includes many other gender feelings including "non-binary." My therapist is non-binary and I have a couple of friends who are also. Now that is something I can't wrap my brain around! I don't get it. I believe that they experience it but no matter how hard I try I just don't understand what it feels like to be them. But I accept their reality to be as real and valid as mine. 

Perhaps these videos will help you, I hope. They are quite recent and show Megyn Kelly with parents and teens of the GenderCool Project:

Five Transgender Teens On The GenderCool Project And How Important Support Is | Megyn Kelly TODAY

Siblings Of Transgender Girl: It Profoundly Affected Me In Such A Positive Way | Megyn Kelly TODAY

Hear The Inspiring Message One Transgender Girl And Her Parents Want To Share | Megyn Kelly TODAY

GenderCool Project Founders On Myths Of Transgender Kids & Rollback Of Rights | Megyn Kelly TODAY

Be well, and please, stay in touch. We only wish to help you and your child.

Jeff, 

please understand I attempt suicide cause I was under emotional distress and mostly no support from my family. I don’t have any friends so there is no support. 

You and your wife are helping your child. You are his support. Please understand when I refer your daughter as a boy cause it’s  correct and he is a transgender.

You can reach out to professional who are more qualified therapist. You can even do Video Chat and check if your insurance is accept by that therapist.

There are qualified therapist who do sessions by video chat if you are unable to find one close to you or you want to be in safe environment. 

When I share my experience and said I attempted suicide is become I was lost, alone, and don’t have any support from family so my depression, anxiety, bipolar   and every thought rushing through my mind was overwhelming. 

Now , I see my therapist every week, psychiatrist every month and my primary doctor for anything I need. These are my support system. If my family was supporting my decision and is there for me I would be happier I think. If my family don’t want to understand it or accept it but do still talk to me, show me love and I’m part of family function. I am fine with anyone don’t want to talk about my transgender transitioning process but all I want is to be accepted as a female, be treated as a female, and the respect and love. I would be less or even not depressed. I know I can’t make everyone understand what I’m going through or like me but I think if I give respect then I want respect back too.

I won’t interact with anyone knowing they are against LGBTQ community or is a bigot person. If a person like me for me then cool. If they use the correct pronouns cool. 

So far in my transition I come to terms if nobody want to be part or associated with me I’m fine with that. I see like this..” I was put on this Earth to be happy not miserable”. 

I want to say you and your wife are an awesome parents. 

9 hours ago, JeffDad said:

While I understand that you believe you are transgender...

Jeff,

These words say a lot, I think. The first step in helping your child is to come to an understanding that to be transgender is real. Regardless of what therapists told me I needed to believe it myself. I did a heck of a lot of research to the point where it was undeniable to me. The next step is to try to determine if your child really is trans. Unfortunately there is no objective test. So what to do then? Listen to your daughter, take her to see qualified therapists and professionals. (Be careful, there are quacks out there too.) 

9 hours ago, JeffDad said:

I am asking serious questions.  

I know you are and I hope you'll continue to ask more. Through all this you'll gain a better understanding and thus confidence in helping your child. 

I'm not sure if this (below) will help but just in case, it's an email I received from my ex-wife a little over a year ago, a month after I drove away from the home we had shared. We were married for 20 years and divorced because we determined together that for me to become myself we had to be apart. We remain very close to this day, often on the phone together, and are making plans to get together this Thanksgiving at her place or mine.

"Happy birthday my sweet __________,
Wish I could be there to celebrate your day.  And what a wonderful day it was 61 years ago when you arrived on this earth.  This is your year to celebrate yourself and become who you really are.  Be brave, be strong, be true, be honest in this journey.  Remember that I will aIways love you.  You are the finest person I have ever known and I thank God that you are in my life.
Have the best day ever.
Love, _______" 

10 hours ago, JeffDad said:

I do not want her to be in this world.  

Sorry, I have to add something here. "This world" is actually so much much better for trans people than it ever has been. The fact that shows like Megyn Kelly's and so many others are highlighting and celebrating our existence. Yes, there is prejudice, confusion, and lack of awareness. Those are things we can work on. 

I am 62 and well remember surreptitiously reading articles about Christine Jorgensen and others, growing up in extreme shame and secrecy, constantly aware of how I was being perceived and trying to adapt to be what didn't feel natural for me, often hating myself for my feelings that I simply couldn't suppress. I tried so hard, I really did. 

Perhaps you can elaborate on what this sentence means for you? 

And here's an issue from National Geographic that might help:

GENDER REVOLUTION

"Read the historic January 2017 Special Issue of National Geographic magazine on the shifting landscape of gender and download our discussion guide for teachers and parents"

Just now I downloaded the Nat Geo discussion guide. Really, it's excellent. I suggest also sharing it with your child. She/he may find it very helpful in understanding themself and provide concepts and words that facilitate talking with you and professionals. It's that good. 

Dear Friends,

Highly recommend the National Geographic Discussion Guide for Teachers and Parents and the January 2017 Special Issue of National Geographic Magazine on the Shifting Landscape of Gender to EVERYONE!

Also, please check out Emma's links on the Megyn Kelly TODAY Gender Cool Project.

Thank you, Emma, for bringing this to our attention.

Yours truly,

Monica

Hello JeffDad,

I just started to review this thread and will look at it in depth tomorrow.  What I do want to say is firstly, there are many variations within being transgender and there are also just as many solutions a person with transgender tendencies can come up with.  Not everything is final and black and white.  I look at gender more as a discovery and a journey.  To be safe one needs to develop a path that allows a person to be as functional as possible.  This state of happiness and self fulfillment are paramount.  What I think I am hearing is you need more time to develop a plan for success for your child.  To do this I agree that a really good counselor is the place to start.  (I have one - a Christian Counselor)  Any  counselor you chose needs to have a real understanding of gender issues as well as the dynamics of family.  Ok - the hormone blocker could be there to buy you more time to work things out  Maybe the final solution would be to go through transition????; but really there are so many other possibilities.  There also may be another root cause - my own counselor told me many of us are wounded by unresolved shame and brokenness.  I have been doing regression therapy.  And yes, I have been diagnosed as transgender.

Hope this helps a-bit - From my own profile - I mention the issue of freedom and creativity.  Because most of us are stifled by the world with its' gender stereotypes, we are often sicker for it.  If I want to wear a dress - why can't I?  Sometimes I feel we are forced to change gender to better fit an acceptable world view.

More soon - I really want the best for you - and thanks for reaching out.  D

I have no idea where you're located, Jeff, your religious affiliations, etc. I came across this article earlier today and regardless, it's an excellent addition within mainstream media that the curtains are really being pulled back about the presence and lives of trans people. In this case, highlighting that areas in the Southeast are more welcoming than in the Northeast. It's also focused on trans girls and boys, adding more anecdotal examples of their realities and validity. I highly recommend it:

Trans in the South: Meet Kids Finding Acceptance in the Bible Belt

I have now read the entire correspondence.  And I agree with most of the advice. 

As a young person I remember day dreaming a lot.  Wishing and dreaming of other possibilities.  I have always been extremely creative and have always loved to role-play.  I was transgender when I was born but I just did not even know what this meant.  Yet my behavior of being like a girl was something I struggled with for many years. Physically I was very girl like in body and I was bullied guite a bit when I was young.

About my thoughts - I also thought the thoughts and feelings I had would just go away if I took control and fought them off.  Today I know this is not possible, however, in my case I have adjusted to the fact I will push the envelope but I never plan to transition.  For me I have a loving family and I do not want to lose this part of what I have, over taking drastic changes to have my gender and body match. 

Now if I had known what I know today, if it had been possible in the 60's, I would had considered going for a body sex change.  (My dad was very harsh with me and likely would not have supported me in this decision.)  Really in the 60's there was nothing like the technology and knowledge available allowing for the possibility of this kind of change.  

Thus you actually can decide today - but the real battle is within the mind.  Sorry this is so complicated - but it is. 

Society is really part to blame.  Labeling our genders is like mind police controlling our thoughts.  So much would be better if limits - laws- rules were not placed on our gender views.  Most people except the limits as they are a secure place for them to be in. (Cis gender) If a person with mixed gender views/creative thought is put a box/prision the tendency is to want to break out.  To free themselves.  

Still I see many directions possible for you.  

May the best way be the path you take

Dear Emma,

Lived in Tampa Bay, Florida, (Southeast) for 35 years, and I found them very accepting and welcoming, more so than Brooklyn, NY, and upstate NY (Northeast).

Think this is because Tampa Bay, Florida, is very transitory and many people are self-employed, while in Brooklyn, NY, I lived in a mostly Orthodox Jewish community, which was very trans and homophobic, while upstate NY, most good employers are very trans and homophobic, (even when they say they're not) and if you valued your job, you are closeted.

Fascinating how the US varies by region. Of course, it's a big country.

Your friend,

Monica

Hey, Dad...I am very glad to see you return.  I was just about to give up on ya when I signed in this evening and discovered all the activity on your blog entry.  I can only imagine how difficult this might be for you.  Keep in mind it may also be just as difficult for your child - it may not have occurred to you, but your pain is no doubt affecting [her] and making things difficult for [her] too, and may even be blaming [her]self.  Bad part about that is, [she's] done nothing wrong to take the blame for.  No one has - meaning, not even you and your wife as parents.  Has nothing to do with your parenting.   We are, what we are.

NOTE:  In case you are wondering -- I've chosen to not refer to your child as male (out of respect for you for now), but if your child IS trans, I don't want to blantantly refer to [her] as if [she] were a cisgender female, and is why I have been putting terms like "she" and "her" in brackets [].  I use the bracketed terms as, "for lack of a better term."

"While I understand that you believe you are transgender..."
Just as you know in your heart, your very soul, what you are, so do trans people.  While we know no other existence, the discord is stressful and affects nearly every aspect of our lives.  

"...has this decision to live this way really made your lives better?"
There are many trans people who have successfully transitioned and live a happy life.  But whether one transitions or not, s/he is still transgender.  True enough that not all people are happy after they transition - the reasons are varied, and not always transition related.  But it seems across the board, that no one is happy untransitioned.  It's difficult to go thru life having to put on an act.  Pretending to be something/someone you are not and to constantly have to tolerate being treated as something/someone you are not.     

"If I am coming across as callous or unfeeling I don't mean to.  I am asking serious questions."
Part of the reason for the existence of this board is not only to have a place to support each other, but to support people like you, too.  We realize that this is difficult.  Callous and unfeeling comes into play when a person flatly refuses to even try to understand, or to accept - whether they understand or not.  'Cause, let's be honest, unless you yourself harbour some issue with gender, a cisgender person can NEVER fully understand what it's like to be trans - just like we can never know what it's really like to be cisgender.  But you can learn to accept.  You can realize that male or female, this is your child... and learning that your child is not the gender you expected does not make that child suddenly a different person.   Believe me, we can tell the difference in intentional callousness borne of bigotry or hate, and the mis-steps and grappling of someone looking for help and answers, someone who wants to learn.

As for binding...I recommend extreme caution in using anything adhesive-backed.  Also, avoid Ace bandage at all costs - it can cause irreversible damage and injury not only externally, but also internally.  If you are going to allow your child to start binding now, and especially in light of the fact that you have indicated that [she] is exhibiting distress in development, I highly suggest you look into a proper binder.    I personally use this one, but there are several models and it may take trying a couple before your child finds one that is suitable and performs satisfactorily.

-Mike

JeffDad and All,

I am a happy person most of the time and I have not transitioned.  I am recognized as female often without trying to go out of my way to dress and look female.  Still I do fully understand Usernameoptional and for many/ maybe most the transition will help.  See https://www.thesun.co.uk/archives/reallife/888347/two-years-ago-arin-was-a-girl-called-emerald-and-girlfriend-katie-was-a-boy-named-luke/  Arin Andrews is the example I most often think of as a good example with the most positive results when I think of female to male changes.

But of course life is not simply made of gender.  So many aspects.  Really love is the main thing - go's so far beyond the sex we are or have been born with. 

One of my cousins took the courage to transition to being a male.  He seems very happy now and we are becoming friends again now that I have learned of his change (Friends first).  Yes, I was surprised and at first did not know how to take it/respond.  This does make it easier to let him know I too am transgendered; just in the opposite direction.

let me know if I can clarify anything - I definitely do not think changing sex will solve everything and in fact it could make things worse, as other underlining issues may be part of what is occurring.

In my life role I have been a scientist/analyst.

Dawn

Wow.  I am shocked and somewhat amazed by all of the positive comments and advice I am receiving here.  I guess I expected to receive comments attacking my feelings and views and being told off honestly.  I really am trying to help my child to grow up into a happy healthy individual.  I am just having a very hard time believing that living as a different gender is going to be a positive experience.  Where is my child going to find love?  My child just turned 11.  Over the next few years as kids start going to dances... who is she going to be with?  Girls in my area (northern NJ) tend to be girly.  Nails done by a manicurist, hair done, makeup, dresses etc.  Boys tend to be boys.  Where is my child going to fit in?  Right now a number of kids are accepting of her, playing with her etc but this is pre puberty stuff.  I fear that the day is coming when girls peel off into girl group stuff and boys do the same and my child is going to be alone.  I may not have stated this previously but she does go to therapy with a therapist that has a practice with transgender kids.  My child is going into middle school in September.  She will be the only kid in the school (6th to 8th grade) that is known at this time to believe they are transgender.  I feel this situation will be horrible.  Most if not all of you here transitioned as an adult.  You may have wished that you could've done this much earlier but I don't know if you realize what that really would've meant.  You may have been living as a gender that you didn't believe conformed with what you were feeling but you were living having friends, dating and in many cases here.... even got married and had children.  Maybe you don't realize that even cis kids have issues fitting in, worrying what group they will be accepted in, dating, etc.  Most of us as kids had issues figuring out where we fit in, but in most cases we did fit in somewhere with some group.  My daughter choosing to go down this path will be in a group of 1------ her.  She is not a very social kid to begin with.  I so want to be proven wrong about these things and my views of her future, but I really fear that I will be proven right.  

Being a kid is hard. Some kids can be mean and as you a parent must understand a child being transgender or not will have bad days and good days. 

The school must have rules implemented for no bullying. Bullying is have gone out of control. Please make sure all of your kids are open about how their day was and share things with you. If one child is being bullied will be hard to know if no one speak up and say something. 

You can talk to the school administrators now before school starts about your child. Always ask what rules and policy they have to address issues. 

When I was growing up schools really didn’t address or handle the issues that occur properly. You must know school for you is different now cause the kids say and do and posting it on social media. 

You are a wonderful parent and getting the help for your child now and being part of his (her) life. It can be hard not know what the future hold for him (her) when it comes to friendship. Those who stick around to be his (her) friend and being supporting show they have a good heart. I hope other parents of the kids are understanding and respectful toward your family.

Remember you talking about things is good. 

Dear Hazel Eyes,

Thank you for a wonderful post.

When I was growing up, there was terrible sibling rivalry, that spread out to the school, as I had the greatest problem with my youngest brother, who was only 14 months older.

So much school bullying starts out in the home as sibling rivalry that is out of control!

Yours truly,

Monica

My son just came out as trans 3 days ago.  First thing I did was hop online. The first thing I read was a blog by a Mom of another Trans child. To paraphrase, it said:

Your child already knows it will be infinitely more difficult to live Trans than continue to pretend they are the wrong gender. By the time they tell you, they have thought a LOT about it. Whether they were talking to you about it or not, they have been thinking about it for a long time. It is not a phase. It is not a mistake. They will not grow out of it. They are not wrong.  It just is.

Your son hasn't changed, he is just now being open and honest with you. I have to keep reminding myself of what that other Mom said - there is so much truth in it. As I see it, this isn't about us. It isn't about how anyone else judges us as parents; except for our children. It matters that they see us loving and supporting them no matter what. It matters that their siblings see it and know they will be supported and loved and that the siblings see it is OK for them to accept our sons.  

I went shopping for boy clothes for my son today, and it was FUN! I made sure to use masculine pronouns with him. I still can't use his new name, but baby steps, right? 

MomPride... that's great that you feel the way you do and just jumped on the trans train the moment your child said they believed they were trans.  It would be much easier for me if I could delude myself into believing this is a positive thing but I can't.  I really am happy for you.  You are very accepting of the situation and believe that this is good for your son.  I believe this is a disaster in the making for my daughter.  My wife says she has never seen our child be this happy being a boy.  I believe this is a moment in time of happiness until the real world situations kick in.  My daughter is 11.  I do not see her fitting in with girls as they hit puberty and I do not see boys accepting her as a boy.  While I will always be there to love and support my child, I see a life of misery and struggle ahead.  I hope I am wrong...... sooooo wrong.... but I fear I will be right. 

On 7/16/2018 at 11:12 PM, JeffDad said:

It would be much easier for me if I could delude myself into believing this is a positive thing but I can't.  

With all due respect this sentence and its sentiment upset me. Imagine, if you will, how much courage it's taken your child to come out to you. And then pat yourself on the back that your child opted to do this instead of hurting themselves, perhaps even attempting suicide. I'd say it's quite positive that your child trusted you enough to overcome their own fears to do this.

The positive thing would be if you shed your own worries and baggage and allowed your son (which is how I believe they wish to be addressed) to take a lead in this. 

On 7/16/2018 at 11:12 PM, JeffDad said:

My wife says she has never seen our child be this happy being a boy.  

Listen to your wife and especially your child. Just because you don't understand it that doesn't make it bad. Time for you to get out of your head and actually talk with and meet other parents of trans kids.

On 7/16/2018 at 11:12 PM, JeffDad said:

I believe this is a moment in time of happiness until the real world situations kick in.  

Instead of casting so much doubt and worry about your child get real and up close with your child and their situation. You're whining and it's not becoming. Sure, your son son won't fit in with the girls in their puberty. Yes, he may have troubles with the boys. All kids have tough teen years, you know that. 

I'm at a loss of what else to say. I feel that you're looking at the glass as half empty instead of half full. 

I'm very frustrated and sad at the moment. I am well aware of how hard it is to raise kids. I have two adult sons of my own with their own issues. You can choose this moment to step up and be a real father or try to put your child back into their head which is likely to erupt in all sorts of negative ways, perhaps even death. Up to you.

Hey Jeff -
It's obvious that emotions are high and intense surrounding the gender identity of your child.  Seems now, that a "fight or flight" instinct is beginning to kick in.  Sadly, I see the fight.  And before I go further, please understand that you will not get the validation that you appear to need or are looking for.  Rather we will, to an extent, try to get you to accept whether you understand or not, and to rally around your son (and his mother) 'cause people like us are just another minority that society loses no sleep at all in beating up on us, denying us rights, and in some cases - KILLING us.  I've received PMs from members expressing frustation from not knowing what more to say or do for you, and concern for your child.  Your most recent entry explains why - at least for me it does.

In your 2nd entry (01 July), you closed with, "if I am coming across as callous or unfeeling I don't mean to.  I am asking serious questions."  I responded to this, that you had nothing to worry about as long as it was obvious you wanted to learn, and as long as we detected no [intentional] callouness.  I hoped you were working toward accepting your child's gender identity.   I think the [unintentional?] callousness I seem to be detecting is due to your own fears, and your concern for what people will think of you.

MomPride has not jumped on any "trans train."  The only people guilty of that are those in areas of media that sensationalize transsexuality and try to capitalize on it (and the porn industry, unfortunately).  It's a hot topic for some, and the media knows there are people who will watch whatever they put out like people at a freak show.  Though I'm sure you didn't intent to, by saying this to MomPride, you disrespected her on every level possible, and invalidated her son.

You do not have to delude yourself.  But in light of the fact that your child has come out as trans and identifies as male, the only delusion now would be if you caused your child to retreat into the female role that you expect so that you can happily go on about your life - delusionally, but [allegedly] happy.  Once again, you've disrespected MomPride (and everyone else in the community) by, in so many words, calling her delusional.

We all suffer disasters in our lives - some small, some big, some managable, some not, some temporary, some last for periods longer than we think we can endure, some last a lifetime.  And some are more than we can endure, at which time some choose to pull the plug.  While it is true that society treats us like so much trash (actually worse because some trash is recycled!), being able to be oneself is priceless.   There are those who dislike black people and other people of colour.  Such people feel that dislike everyday.  But they can no more change what they are than a trans person can.  I know this is going to sound cliche, and my apologies in advance, but...  we do not choose to identify as a gender contradictory to our birth sex any more than you choose to be cisgender and heterosexual.  Tell me, please, why would we intentionally subject ourselves to the unacceptance and hate of the populace?  WHY?

I am 60 years old, Jeff.  I've known from a very young age that I was not like my mother, or her mother, or her sister, or her best [female] friend, or any other female that had, to that point, walked into or past my little life.  
            After I started school is when the problems started.  I had no words back then for what I felt inside, but I instinctively emulated other boys.  Of course that didn't go over well and I learned to hide my true identity.  That did not come without consequences, however.  Most of my school years were friendless.  In elementary school girls seemed to instinctively know I was different from them... I wasn't one of them.  Staff and faculty kept me from participating with the boys - where I really wanted to be.   
            The onset of puberty caused changes I detested, especially breasts - the very things I knew from about 1st or 2nd grade that I would never want.  And at the time, had no reason to think I would get them - I just knew I wouldn't want them.  And then, WHAM! There they were.  I have since then tried every way possible to hide them, make them less noticeable, pretend they don't exist.  The appearance of pubic hair also distressed me because I did not know that everyone had pubic hair.  The disgust (most likely dysphoria) caused lasting issues.
            I spent a good part of my junior high years trying to figure out how I could painlessly and successfully kill myself.  The fear of failure kept me from doing so.  I was afraid I would get arrested (we were always told suicide was against the law); I was afraid I'd get in trouble with my parents (both were very strict, and my dad was military); and I didn't want to end up a vegetable in an institution where people would have to tend to every aspect of life for me, leaving my mis-shapen, wrongly developed body exposed for those tasked with caring for me, to see.
            My high school years were hell.  Imagine being the only boy in all-girl spaces, hormones RAGING, and you can't do a damn thing about it.  I was one of the boys that didn't get asked to the Sadie Hawkins dance (and so missed out on that event altogether).  I didn't get to ask a girl to the either Jr or Sr prom (and so missed out on both events altogether).  I didn't get to play football or baseball.  I was relegated to softball and the girl's versions of gymnastics.

The older I got, the more clear it got with each passing year that society sucks, and I could not be myself.  I had to continue to pretend to be someone else just to keep from being bullied, shunned, hated, ridiculed, teased, etc, whether from family or strangers.  Somewhere between high school and adulthood, I developed a love/hate for females.  I hated them because I was lumped in with them, and then of course, like any heterosexual male, I wanted a woman to love and who would love me.   Now here's the thing - even pretending to be female, throughout my life, I've been bullied, shunned, hated, ridiculed, teased, etc, at various times in different places.  So, if I had known there would still be that kinda crap, I could have done it as a boy, as a man.  My entire life has been wasted on fear.  My entire life has been wasted on pretending to be a female just to keep people like you from hating me.  This forum (and being online) is the only place where I have been able to be ME.  Where I can be myself and the members here treat me with respect, with acknowledgment, with acceptance, with friendship, with love.

There's nothing you can do to change this, Jeff.  BUT, you have two choices:
            1.  You deny your child's gender identity, and you guarantee nothing but pain in more ways than you care to know.
            2.  You accept your child's gender identity, and help him to be the best he can be, so that he can find the strength to live his life in spite of the haters and bigots.  

Somewhere among the many discussion here, a former member posted that she told her mother she (the mother) had a choice - she could have a dead daughter, or a living daughter.  In other words, dead or alive, the member was a [trans] woman, and not a man.  The mother just had to decide which she preferred.

If I am coming across as callous or unfeeling I don't mean to.  Being trans is serious. 

David Michael

Hi David,

I am not even sure where to begin so I will just jump in and respond.  You do not like my response to MomPride when she said that the day her child decided to come out and be a boy, and I said she immediately jumped on the trans train.  That is what she did.  I believe there are very very few families that upon hearing their child believes they are a different gender... they immediately go out and buy clothing and are happy that this occurred.  This is without a doubt NOT a happy time.  There are almost no parents that would feel this is a happy situation and immediately go out and buy clothing and have their child go by a different name the next day... and be happy about it.  If you believe that there would be any more than a tiny tiny percentage of families that would be open and accepting of this from day 1.... then yes..... you really are delusional.

This isn't about what people think of me.  I am 50 years old, I am beyond worrying or being concerned about how the world thinks of me.  I am looking out for the health and well being of my child.  I do not believe this is healthy nor do I believe this will lead to happiness.  Even the comments you have made in your post agree with me.  You are 60 years old.  You stated that you spent a good part of your junior high school years thinking about how you could painlessly commit suicide. You also stated your high school years were hell.  You stated that you were a boy who didn't get asked to a Sadie Hawkins dance and this upset you.  You stated you didn't get to do the things that boys do that basically involve girls.  What did you think would happen???????????  Did you think that girls were actually going to ask another girl who believed they were a boy to the dance?  Were you seriously surprised???????  

You then stated that with each passing year you realized that society sucks.  That you just wanted to live as a male and have a woman to love.   You seem to be blaming society for the fact that most people do not wish to be involved in that type of relationship.  Just because you believe you are male, feel that way, and wish to be seen that way does not mean a sicfemale sees you that way and wishes to be in that world.  I understand that is what you want, but you need to understand that a large percentage of society may not care how you choose to live, but they almost certainly do not wish to be in that type of relationship.  If you don't understand why, I really do feel sorry for you.  You are blaming society for not accepting your choices to live differently than the majority of people and for not accepting you as if you were a natural born male.  I am sorry that you were not born male... but the fact is you weren't.

You stated that you lived most of your life in fear of people like me hating you.  I do not hate you in the slightest.. nor do I dislike you.  I believe that YOU believe your gender is male.  I am sorry that you lived most of your life in fear.. really.  That being said, while this is 2018 and people who believe they are trans are more accepted day by day... this does not mean sic hetero people (not sure if that's a term but I believe you know what I mean) wish do date or marry trans people. 

Your final line is that being trans is serious.  I fully agree with you.  You mentioned how you lived most of your life in fear and being miserable (my word), suicidal, alone and friendless.  Those are your words... not mine.  Your feelings and thoughts.  What you are saying is what I have heard from almost every other trans person I have spoken with or blogged with or emailed with.   

Coming out as trans does not seem to lead to happiness for anyone I have encountered.  They generally say they have no choice... this is who they are and wouldn't choose this if they had a choice.  I do not want this world for my daughter.  If I was hearing happy stories.... positive life stories, fulfilling relationship stories.. happy family stories.... or anything that could even be construed as positive I may think differently.  All I hear is the misery, fear, loneliness and suicidal thoughts of people believing they are a different gender than they were born.  I do not see the happy, positive outcome for my daughter if she continues to go down this path.  I only see that same type of life that you have described as your own and I don't want that for my daughter.