Dear Mikaylajane,

Estrogen causes hypersensitivity. Just ask any mother of a teen daughter! 😉

Your friend,

Monica

I don’t want to be a downer but neither of us will ever be a cis female. Of late I’ve been labeling myself a woman of transgender experience, the point being I’m first and most importantly a woman but indeed I have a trans history and will always be trans. 

Today I drove myself to the emergency room because I suspected deep vein thrombosis in my left calf muscle, which is a known risk for HRT. Unfortunately they confirmed it and it’s likely that tomorrow I’ll be told to discontinue estrogen. I want to cry. I’ve gone through so much to get here — lots more than most cis women — and now I have to downshift from progress. Oh, and the ultrasound technician misgendered me despite the “F” on my chart, my legal name, the clothing I wear, the voice I’ve worked on so hard, my hair, my jewelry. She didn’t mean anything by it. She practically started crying herself when I calmly and privately pointed out her error. 

In some ways I don’t need to pass. I’m fine with being trans. But in many other ways I get very sad when I’m reminded that I’m not a cis woman. I just want to pack up the tent and retire to a cabin deep in the woods. Even if I did consistently pass I’d always feel a bit on edge, like a secret agent behind enemy lines. So that’s not a solution either.

I know these emotions will decay and a couple of days from now I’ll be fine. But still. It’s safe to say that transitioning isn’t a cure-all. It’s better than not, certainly. But we’ll always be trans.

Yes, I also think it's important to recognize the limitations we have and the things we can't and don't control, and keep peace within our own minds, first and foremost. 

Dear Emma,

When I saw your picture of you hiking with your Lesbian friends, I would never knew you were transgender. You looked like just another Lesbian.

Please keep in mind that estrogen drops in ALL cisgender women as they age, and testosterone in ALL cisgender men as they age.

Recall a senior cisgender Lesbian heavy/stone butch I knew in Florida (not transgender) who, if you put her in a suit, she would have passed as a cisgender man!

Remember, being a woman is from the inside out!

Don't let others' problems become your problem!

NOBODY is accepted by 100 percent of others 100 percent of the time!

Your Lesbian sister,

Monica

First, my apologies to Mikaylajane for having this conversation on her blog. I'd normally just post on mine or elsewhere but last night I was reeling with emotions so I wrote what I did. I'm still kind of shell-shocked this morning. I have a doctor appt for tomorrow morning and am getting ready now to run out to the Walgreen's for the blood thinner prescription. I'm worried that all this will also stand in the way of my GCS which is scheduled for 1/31. We'll see.

Monica: I agree with you and appreciate your support, especially your comment about the photo. Maybe it's time for to me to experience my version of menopause. i guess what I'm most afraid of is that I'll return to feeling the distress between my body and mind which I had for so long before starting HRT. I'm reasonably sure though that I'll be able to stay on spironolactone so maybe that'll be mitigated. 

Chrissy: Thank you too for your message. Indeed as I was driving home last night I wondered if I could just switch to injections. I raced home to open up a presentation that a local highly-regarded physician sent to me after I met him last month at Gender Odyssey. Maybe, as you said,. alternate delivery might be okay. Unfortunately the way I read this below, the risk is higher for injections. I'm also in excellent health, exercise regularly - all that. But I'm also 62 and maybe that's a factor in DVT risk too.

Emma, you are in my thoughts, too.  My best!

I have a referral pending for a therapist. My Dr prescribed me another med for my depression. We will see how this helps or not. I know in my heart who I am and just don't know if I am strong enough to live the way I want to. But only time will tell. All I know is I am tired of hiding my true self. And tired of having to pretend to be something that I am not. I am very over emotional right now. And it's not good at all. 

9 hours ago, Mikaylajane79 said:

I have a referral pending for a therapist. My Dr prescribed me another med for my depression. We will see how this helps or not. I know in my heart who I am and just don't know if I am strong enough to live the way I want to. But only time will tell. All I know is I am tired of hiding my true self. And tired of having to pretend to be something that I am not. I am very over emotional right now. And it's not good at all. 

I tried meds several times over the decades where I was going to therapists for depression but not confessing my "shameful" feelings about my gender. After making a serious suicide attempt about 2.5 years ago my therapist insisted I go see a psychiatrist or he'd have me committed. For the first time (to a psychiatrist) I came clean and we started trying drugs and eventually hit on something that's been remarkably helpful - for me. 

Here again, speaking only for myself, it was like I had to gain a new mindset about meds and what they do. In years past I'd hoped that the pill would clear the depression and life would go on, depression-free. Of course, that didn't work. I finally (perhaps as a result of finally receiving a drug that was effective for me) discovered that I really did have two things going on: 1) a problem in my brain chemistry that was addressed, thank goodness, and 2) my shame and fear around my gender dysphoria which has also much improved after transitioning, HRT, and living more authentically. 

It's all so complicated especially for adults like us who've developed coping habits that, to some extent, we also have to undo. I suppose those habits are still with me but I do seem to be getting better, with a happiness and peace that I've never in my life felt before. 

I have been reffered to a therapist My ins sucks so I don't have many options for them. Anyway I am supposed to here from them in a day or two. I hope that therapy will help me. I have a lot of issues not just my Dysphoria that I need to deal with. My Dysphoria is a very big one. But also the fact that I was shamed as a child for being me. Which leads to me shaming myself. Also the fact that the biggest supporter of me in my life was my older Brother who was taken from me tragically on Oct 12th 2016 in a motorcycle accident on the highway. And the fact that my ex totally mentally abused me for years. I also have been thinking of going to a support group for trans and non binary individuals it is held on the 14th Sunday of the month. So hopefully my ex can take out boy for a few hours so I can go. She said she is supportive of me but Idk I have heard that one before. Anyways I am hoping to feel better with myself because I need to be there for my son. And he is my number one goal in life to raise him to be accepting and caring. I see so much of myself in him. He is a caring sweet little boy. I also see at times his mother coming out and him being very hurtful at times and I know he is 4 but I want To stop that cycle now while I can hopefully. He is I think just torn to a point and doesn't know how to deal with his emotions because he is 4 he is very smart for his age almost too smart at times for his own good. I'm hoping that something will help and give me peace. Also I just said screw it and posted a transgender awareness video to my Facebook account. Hoping to maybe that will shed some light on things to my family and friends. My sister had posted a very hurtful message to me on a comment I made in my sister in-laws post so I blocked her. She is too hurtful to me. She  has been since I was about 12. I have as little contact with her as possible taking steps to become the person I need to be and trying to be happy. It is challenging to say the least.

Dear Emma and Mikaylajane,

Just attended an outstanding lecture at the library, and the mental health therapist who was giving the lecture said that psychotropic medications should never be given without concurrent counseling, and, except in rare cases, should never be permanent, but reevaluated regularly.

Wishing you both health and wellness.

Yours truly,

Monica

6 hours ago, Mikaylajane79 said:

I have been reffered to a therapist My ins sucks so I don't have many options for them. Anyway I am supposed to here from them in a day or two. I hope that therapy will help me. I have a lot of issues not just my Dysphoria that I need to deal with. My Dysphoria is a very big one. But also the fact that I was shamed as a child for being me. Which leads to me shaming myself. Also the fact that the biggest supporter of me in my life was my older Brother who was taken from me tragically on Oct 12th 2016 in a motorcycle accident on the highway. And the fact that my ex totally mentally abused me for years. I also have been thinking of going to a support group for trans and non binary individuals it is held on the 14th Sunday of the month. So hopefully my ex can take out boy for a few hours so I can go. She said she is supportive of me but Idk I have heard that one before. Anyways I am hoping to feel better with myself because I need to be there for my son. And he is my number one goal in life to raise him to be accepting and caring. I see so much of myself in him. He is a caring sweet little boy. I also see at times his mother coming out and him being very hurtful at times and I know he is 4 but I want To stop that cycle now while I can hopefully. He is I think just torn to a point and doesn't know how to deal with his emotions because he is 4 he is very smart for his age almost too smart at times for his own good. I'm hoping that something will help and give me peace. Also I just said screw it and posted a transgender awareness video to my Facebook account. Hoping to maybe that will shed some light on things to my family and friends. My sister had posted a very hurtful message to me on a comment I made in my sister in-laws post so I blocked her. She is too hurtful to me. She  has been since I was about 12. I have as little contact with her as possible taking steps to become the person I need to be and trying to be happy. It is challenging to say the least.

You might want to think about slowingggggg down.  You have many things on your plate and they don't need to be solved and understood at the same time.  They can't be. Throughout my life when things got real tough, and they often do, I realized I couldn't fix everything at the same time, so I tried to break it down and address the most important first. Sometimes it would take a long time to come up with a solution, but I found it would work.  Then I would address the next, and the next, and things seemed to snowball in my favor, until all my baggage was gone.  Be true to your therapist and develop a plan for one thing at a time.  Love.

Dear Mikaylajane,

Agree with Jessica 100 percent.

What I try to do when I am stressed is ask myself, "what is the greatest problem I have right now?" Then, focusing ONLY on that ONE problem, I ask myself, "what can I do TODAY to resolve that problem?" Follow through and do it. Then the next day, focusing on the SAME problem, I ask the same question, until the problem is resolved, no matter how many days it takes. Then go on to the next greatest problem.

If this does not work, you may have to conclude it is not meant to be.

Recently, I decided I wanted to join a Senior Adult Day Care, to do my art, only to encounter one difficulty after another. Sadly, I had to conclude I was not meant to be there. The point is, if you feel you have to force it, chances are you are not intended to be there. Now I do art in my friend's restaurant, which she is OK with.

Usually, when one door is closed to you, another will open.

On a few occasions in my life, I was able to observe that had I entered that closed door, I may have not only been more frustrated, but even injured or killed.

Try to stay calm, and be open to another opportunity.

Your friend,

Monica