Hi Dee.

Gosh I know that feeling so well;  just reading about you made me smile. 😊  By the way, you look fantastic, too. You have nothing to worry about or be fearful of. I adore your coat!

Jess

5 hours ago, Jessicatoyou said:

By the way, you look fantastic, too. You have nothing to worry about or be fearful of. I adore your coat!

Aww! Thank you Jess 🤗 I think I am my own worst enemy sometimes and when I am feeling negative all those fears and worries come bubbling out.

I find my thoughts berating me and telling me I am not really trans and that I do not belong here, or that I am just cross dressing to get cheap thrills (which was the case for years until I started thinking about it seriously), but when I share my thoughts or what has been on my mind and someone says they "know the feeling" that inner critic has to be silent.

Recently I was commenting on someone else's blog about the hidden statistics of trans people who haven't accessed UK services and they replied, "You asked your counsellor to call you Dee, and it feels right. You will come out soon enough." I do not share her confidence, and initially I was not sure how to take her response but that someone further along their personal journey of discovery than me assumes it is just a question of time is actually kind of nice.

For me being outside my house for the first time has been so important and is so much scarier than anything else I have done, it made me vulnerable to others even if I chose a place where that number would be low!

I do hope you get the opportunity to get out on your own many more times.  That feeling of nervousness, fear and anxiety will quickly be replaced with peace, comfort and serenity.  Before you know it you'll be driving 2 1/2 hours for that simple cup of coffee!  😊

18 minutes ago, Jessicatoyou said:

That feeling of nervousness, fear and anxiety will quickly be replaced with peace, comfort and serenity.  Before you know it you'll be driving 2 1/2 hours for that simple cup of coffee!

I do hope so, it better be a good cup of coffee! 🤔

Believe me it'll be the best you ever had...I know! ☺️

Ah yes, I remember your post! I’m glad you re-entered it. You do look terrific, your hair, face, and that lovely red coat. 

2.5 hours for coffee is quite a drive. I’m sure you’ll figure out a way to do it, and I’ve no doubt you’ll have a great time.

I’ve done similarly. I recall about ten years ago I’d gone off camping by myself, away from my wife and family. They had decent WiFi in the campground and I surfed the web like mad. I’d bought some tights at a grocery store and wore them beneath my pants which felt good. But I needed more. I had to have more.

I then drove about 300 miles south to Los Angeles to go to a store that specialized in cross dressing clothes. I was there when they opened, shopped for an hour, and then returned to my campground. The clothes weren’t very nice or of good quality but I enjoyed wearing them.

So, I know at least something about what you’re going through. It’s exciting but also so stressful at times. Remember this please: your joy comes from a true sense of finally experiencing your authentic self. There is nothing wrong or untoward about you or your feelings.

Thank you Emma, that is really nice of you to say 🤭 I only have to cover 150 miles but most of it is winding single carriageway and the occasional VERY small village.  This was so much scarier than when I've bought nail polish or clothes in a store but I know that in that situation my own paranoia makes me nervous, shopkeepers really do not care one way or another unless you are rude to them. There are a couple of tea rooms closer but they are so small I would feel too conspicuous.

Because until 6 months ago I have only ever associated dressing for solo sexual gratification there are a lot of shameful feelings and the things I used to buy and purge I would never have been brave or stupid enough to gift a woman and expect her to wear without being slapped. The party was the first time I had dressed in front of others as a female and was for the completely mundane reason of a fancy dress party. The pleasure I felt being talked to in the D&D game as a woman combined with enjoying wearing the clothes and being completely smooth skinned for the first time since puberty was what really shook me and started me down this path as I needed to find out why my feelings were so intense.

It does still mean that I carry the shame of dressing for my entire teen and adult life in secret and meant that when I finally told my older sisters I also apologised for borrowing their clothes (especially when my sister remembered getting totally yelled at for laddering a pair of my mums good tights which she had not touched - and with my revelation I was the likely culprit - I've always loved the look and feel of tights, as a toddler I had a habit of touching them wherever I saw them which my mum had to apologise for frequently, turns out I like them on me too).

I am really only just getting to a point where I am not ashamed and embarrassed of wanting to be seen as a woman by others, but honestly it is a constant battle not helped by the fact that it is still effectively a secret, which in my mind makes me "guilty" even if the reasons for not outing myself yet are wise. The first time I dress for myself in front of my friends which I hope will be later this year will be a big test for me and may involve tears - but I am not there yet! 

Oh Christy - that is a lot of Yeps! - I couldn't choose to like your post and say thanks, so I just chose thanks so that you know it means more to me than just making me smile (do you ever stop and wonder if those photo shoot pictures still exist in a file somewhere). 

4 hours ago, Christy said:

I Became proud of myself and who I am. Confidence is key, I never cower. I remember about a year ago I did the same thing you did.

I hope to build my confidence as I go, I was explaining to my therapist that while part of me wants to just ignore everything and go back to before I started questioning, the other part knows I cannot put the genie back in the bottle and am effectively along for the ride until I get to where I am supposed to be.

It may sound selfish but to have people relate similar or almost identical experiences to mine, helps me to know I am in the right place and doing the right thing. If no one could understand what I am going through then I would be hoping to get let down gently by a group of people who couldn't relate and sent on my way.

So thanks to everyone who has responded.  

Dear Christy,

Would like to ask you the reverse:

If somebody could flip a switch, and reverse time, where you were BORN a girl, but never were a boy, would you?

Why or why not?

Your friend,

Monica

Dear Christy,

You're right. Don't want to derail Dee's thread either, and I appreciate you starting a new post, so that I can enjoy BOTH threads.

You girls know how to get me going!  

Your friend,

Monica