Hi Dee.  I reacted to your post with a "💜" largely because many of the frustrations you expressed have been shared and similarly experienced by myself.  I can only say how my thoughts evolved to where I am now.  It seems like the timing of your divorce is out of your control for now, so I would place that in "things to look forward to " category of my life priorities and focus more on those I have more control of in moving forward. I also agree with the necessity of guarding your gender openness until the divorce is finalized, but the time will come when that is behind you, too. Similarly the long wait you have for your gender clinic appointment is equally frustrating, but the stress can be alleviated by using the time to prepare for and the process. If you haven't yet, I would seek a competent gender therapist, as the clinic may require it before moving forward which will result in more waiting time. It is not an easy task to "live authentically" when my whole life I've always known deep down, but built my relationships, my employment, my goals around a gender identification that was incorrect, but it is exhilarating to make that journey to authenticity. My "mind" had to learn first before my "body" could express it, if that makes any sense?   It's like slowly but surely, I'm shedding my baggage, and my shoulders are getting lighter and lighter all the time.  

For your thoughts surrounding what relationships will be like as Dee, remember YOU OWN YOURSELF NOW,  therefore no one can ever disown you.  That's probably the most gratifying feeling of living authentically for me; before now and throughout my life I was always "owned" by what I was supposed to do for others, and disregarded what I needed to do for me.  You do not need to tell anyone until such time it is right for you and you will know when that time is right.  

Enjoy pride weekend with your niece and take as little or as much of Dee with you as your comfortable with and enjoy the time owning yourself.  It's never been a struggle for me becoming Jessica; the struggle lied in losing the self identity as cis male that should never have been mine to begin with.

Thanks Jess and Christa, the NHS is slightly different - if I had had the courage to continue the phonecall when I was still unsure I would be closer to speaking with someone - they will put me in touch with a therapist and it will not cost me anything because I have been paying for it my entire working life, the private counselling sessions I stopped because at the time I was starting to accept being transgender and would rather pay for hair removal which I have started.  Some of that will be covered by the NHS too, but from what I have read usually not enough.  

3 hours ago, Jessicatoyou said:

My "mind" had to learn first before my "body" could express it, if that makes any sense?   It's like slowly but surely, I'm shedding my baggage, and my shoulders are getting lighter and lighter all the time.  

I think this is important for me to learn - not to try and envision a finished womanly version of me - but just a me free of all the parts of me I don't want - I just fluctuate so much  between acceptance and sheer fear of abandoning my male life. It's really all I've known.

It's like - I am happy and excited for you all as I see you take steps and get closer to who you are and yet at the same time I am too afraid to acknowledge that I am trying to do a similar thing?

Dee,

"Transitioning will be a permanent change - there is no going back to just being me."

Indeed, telling others that you're trans — intentionally or otherwise — isn't something you can take back. But, there are things you can do to test the water before coming out. It might help you to give yourself some patience. Would you like some ideas/thoughts on that?

" I spend most of my time in bed at the moment trying unsuccessfully to imagine what my life would be like if I chose to transition to female. Trying to work out a kind of pro/con scenario about my family & friends, my work and which colleagues would disown me and what direction my life would take in general."

I know what you mean and I felt that way too. I suggest that the first step is to accept that we can't control other people. They may be supportive and loving, unsupportive, or somewhere in between. It's your life, and up to you to decide what you need to do/be to be authentic to yourself.

"Am I fighting it just because I am transphobic on some level?"

Answer: YES! Remember that "phobia" = "fear" and you'd be crazy not to be fearful. It's what our amygdala does for us. It tries to protect us from the scary monsters and things like that. It's perfectly normal to feel these fears, all of them.

"I do not want to transition, but I Need to be authentic and honest with myself and the people around me.. If I understand the definitions correctly I have more social and emotional dysphoria than physical dysphoria - it is more like I experience euphoria when I physically look like how I mentally feel."

I didn't want to transition either. And even as I proceeded I didn't expect/anticipate what aspects of transition applied to me. I think you have to determine that, slowly step-by-step, by yourself with a therapist (ideally). 

I also know what you mean about the euphoria. I certainly felt that way too. These days it's less and less. I just am another (somewhat older) woman in the world, living her life. I like getting dressed in something nice that feels good, and hanging out with friends. But I also like going hiking, cooking, and playing with my cat. I also do woodworking, gardening, watch movies. 

I can't tell you what you should/shouldn't do. I hope that through small steps before you come out publicly that you can experience those steps — scary as they may be — and discover that yes, it feels right. You have to allow a little time for the euphoria to dissipate to know your true feelings. And then, cross another bridge, and another...

10 hours ago, Emma said:

I can't tell you what you should/shouldn't do

Aw - go on, pretty please! 

Seriously though, thanks for taking the time to comment on my rambling - I am trying to be honest with myself, but find that emotionally I flip flop all over the place and that makes it really hard to come to a level of calm where I can visualise walking into the clinic and express, "this is how I feel and this is what I would like to do about it at the moment.". I don't know how I feel other than confused and frightened, which is not a good way to be, and I don't know what I need to do about it all!

Okay....your  "pass" is granted!!! LOL.  

Every morning, awaken and look in the mirror and love what you see.  

Learn how to loose the fear and awkwardness in presenting and go out into the world proud of being your true self.

Discover new friends and relationships that have always been around you, but you've never seen before.

Unearth your buried personality and be in awe how it is now growing and flourishing like it never has before.

Go to sleep every night knowing that tomorrow there will be something new and exciting to look forward to again and again.

Laugh at yourself and see the humor, grace, love, and compassion in many others at the same time.

See what it's like to never stop smiling, and really, really appreciating the life given to you.

But seriously, too, these are some of the things I never expected, they just came out of the blue.  Keep your options open, go with your gut and be honest with yourself first and foremost.  I think my decision became truly cemented only just a short time ago, and now have not had a thought of regret or fear, since  Time is on your side.  🙋‍♀️

Dear DeeDee,

In my opinion, a "good woman," whether transgender or cisgender, is judged by her character.

In my book, DeeDee, you are a good woman!

Your friend,

Monica

4 hours ago, Jessicatoyou said:

Okay....your  "pass" is granted!!! LOL.  

Every morning, awaken and look in the mirror and love what you see.  

Learn how to loose the fear and awkwardness in presenting and go out into the world proud of being your true self.

I may have to print this out Jess and start using it as a focal point x I definitely need to learn to love my reflection and unearth the buried parts of me...Thank you x

Monica - if you were in the same room you would give you such a hug right now! 🤭🤗 thank you too x