It's a Steep and Exciting Learning Curve
Entry posted by Emma
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Learning curve... what?
Now, almost six years after I started contemplating whether I am trans, I am a woman in most ways except, perhaps, to myself. I have several very good cis women friends whom I love and love me. When we talk about my struggles they reassure me that I am clearly a woman to them. My speech, my mannerisms, certainly my clothing, all speak to the truth of me authentic gender.
So what's the struggle? Why am I writing?
- When I get dressed to go out I always consider will the outfit look nice and appropriate, warm or cool enough, water resistant if it's rainy, that sort of thing. But when I think about wearing a dress or skirt, is it okay for me to wear such a thing, especially if it's warm and I can't wear leggings underneath. I generally don't let those worries hold me back. Appropriateness is the order of the day and after that, well, I just get dressed. Like yesterday I needed to make a run to the local big box hardware store. I had been wearing paint-spattered Levi's and an equally crappy tee shirt while working in my basement. Men go to such stores without changing all the time. But women? Not so much. It was chilly so I wore a kind-of sweater dress, black leggings, black booties, lipstick, and threw on my bright red raincoat. No one at the store commented or noticed me unless they were out of eyesight. In the store, though, I was a fish out of water, clearly a woman shopping in the tool section.
- How am I supposed to be when dating? I have a non-binary cis-woman girlfriend which is fun and all but I struggle waiting for her to take the initiative when it comes to most anything such as hand holding or kissing. From time to time I go ahead and make a move. Sure, that's how I was socialized.
- When I attend my ballet class and see myself in the mirror with the other women I can't help but see my broad(er) shoulders and height. Everyone is wonderful to me and I'm wonderful to them. And let's face it, they're no spring chickens either. Still...
I guess the bottom line is that I'm only gradually knowing within my being and heart that I am a woman, plan and simple, just going about her life like any other woman.
The learning curve is steep but I remain so grateful to be on it. Maybe (probably) I'll aways have some nagging doubts, worries, that sort of thing. But there it is.
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