It is interesting to me that after months of being unable to dress in feminine clothing or paint my nails or blogging, even really spending much time online I still haven't gone away from seeing myself as female.

A small part of me wondered if I was just desperately trying to fit in and keep myself busy. Being DeeDee here gives me an excuse to trawl through the online shops looking for clothes and shoes and imagining going out in them.

Literally this week I have been giving myself pep talks. It took me 4 weeks to do the first 2 weeks of the couch to 5k app, but I have calmed down on my bad habit of eating junk food and sugar at nights, every time I go to the cupboard looking for chocolate I ask myself if I want to remain a sad, fat man or if I would be confident going out with my tummy as Dee and it helps me to grab a glass of water and walk out the room - not all the time, but most of the time. I am also calling myself DeeeDee when I do this, that yellow summer dress is still hanging in the cupboard and while I may never be small enough in the shoulders for it - to be able to wear something like that just makes me sigh whistfully.

I am noticing that I am more in tune with myself now - I cannot watch gore any more - I turned off Danny Trejo's Machete because it was too graphic and I have wanted to see it for years because it had such good reviews for an action film and I think he is incredibly underrated as an actor. I still enjoy action and thrillers but I find myself "awwwing" at the screen or starting to well up at sad or emotional moments that I would have used to roll my eyes or joke at.

I have also started back up applying lip balm all the time and wearing nighties to bed and knickers under my clothes.  It is almost a compulsion, but it seems to help, especially as my body is hairy and could do with a good shave.

I intened to phone the GIC again this coming week and ask when they are going to start back up appointments as the one I was supposed to have on 23rd March was cancelled due to lockdown.

It kind of feels like I am more at peace with myself than I have been, mostly because I am getting over my fear of moving forwards, I am more positive when I think of myself as DeeDee, I feel more certain that the way I think and see life is just not the same as my cis male friends, so thinking of myself as transgender is simple logic. I can't see myself as a woman - but perhaps that will change with my presentation and hormones - I will never be able to hide or ignore my past so I have to be okay with being born with the right brain, but a body that needs some adjustments.

I do sometimes pine over not having someone to share my life with, but as I am definitely attracted to women, but fantasise about men seeing me as a woman - I think I can leave that puzzle until I am whole, in the end it isn't really that important to moving forwards in my life - I've done enough trying to please someone else for a lifetime.

There are moments when I wobble and think that I am going to be alone and miserable and abandoned and look hideous, or somehow worse that I will end up in an old folks home and get dementia and think of myself as male even though I would be a bald old lady. How does being trans and having dementia work? (realistically no one in my family seems to lives to retirement age, breaking 50 is a big deal for us, so it is possibly a bit of a moot point)

I have those wobble moments, and those negative thoughts, and I know that I am still struggling with my motivation and finding joy, but I 100% seem to be more motivated as Dee then as the male version. I will lose weight, I will find my voice and I will get my motivation to enjoy my life and work back.

💖