The way its aye been
Entry posted by ScottishDeeDee in Mood
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This may not be as much of a big deal for anyone outside of the UK but I needed to work out my thoughts and I think the world is predominantly Patriarchal.
In the UK since International Womens day and the horrific news story of Sarah Everard being murdered (and subsequently a police officer being arrested for it) my news feeds have been absolutely filled with women talking out about the systemic violence and abuse that they suffer at the hands of men, some talked about curfews for men, which I believed was in response to the comments talking about how she should have known better to be out alone cutting through a park after dark. The two hastags #notallmen and #allwomen have been very prominent and I have been unable and unwilling to comment anywhere else.
It is something you either understand or you don't.
The entire world outside of the internet still knows me only as male, I don't like being lumped in with abusers and it was the woman I trusted most that has caused me the most emotional and psychological damage in my lifetime so it makes me sad to be accused by association of being a possible risk. Any comment I make can be construed as mansplaining or encouraging victim blaming. I have spent almost 40 years trying to be the best man that I could be and constantly felt like I was failing, I have also been catcalled and groped by strange women and have experienced fear and embarrassment and my skin crawling, but ultimately these experiences were few and far between.
I also know that when I have gone out as DeeDee it is not women that scare me, but the possible violence of men.
As I begin to come out to my friends I know that it is the reaction of their husbands that will determine whether or not I will still have a place in their lives.
It will be men who predominantly choose whether or not to make my life miserable at any work function because they are still overwhelmingly in the majority.
I may seek approval and acceptance by women but I know that while I want that I would settle for polite tolerance by men.
I fully agree with and understand the assessment that this society is broken, and that brokenness comes from the power wielded by men.
When I was growing up, I was told by my dad, "be safe and if you can't be safe, be careful", while my sisters were told, "you're not going out dressed like a tart!".
Every single one of my four sisters has been cat called and objectified, and both my mum and my sister have experienced trauma during which they were just seen as hysterical and emotional women by those in positions of authority. A drunk neighbour followed my ex home and tried to get into the flat when she was at home with our son as a baby and while she called me and talked to me while she was dealing with him she did not want me to drive home across town to be a physical deterrent. (I couldn't fight my way out of a wet paperbag, but I would put myself in harms way to protect others as often as was needed)
Having to teach "stranger danger" to children in nurseries, having to have conversations with my children about what to do if someone asks them for personal information or pictures online. Knowing that I have taught both children what to do if they are ever grabbed by someone, or told to keep secrets. Knowing that statistically it will be a man that carries out this type of crime and worse it may be someone they know. Having watched adult material online and as someone who understands the sheer scale of the worldwide sex industry and the fact that slavery and human trafficking is still very much big business which caters for all, but in which the biggest and most lucrative market caters for men.
I feel like I am in the middle and voiceless. Caught in between two perspectives. I have admitted I am trans but have not socially transitioned. So I belong to neither group at the moment.
I understand the pain of being accused of something that I have never knowingly done, I have grown up professionally and privately understanding my male privilege whilst trying to never deliberately take advantage of it but having it nonetheless. Always assuming that I was just empathatic, when in fact it is deeper and comes from a place of identifying with the things known as weaknesses and seeing them as strengths. I am all for equality, but that standard must apply and be adhered to by everyone, not just one side or the other. Extremism is by it's nature dangerous regardless of which end of the scale it is on.
While cis people are only aware of the privilege of their own gender, transgender and bigender people must surely be highly aware of both, because no matter MTF or FTM (or bigender) they will experience both perspectives and will gain and lose from those experiences.
There should not be an expectation for women to alter their lives, their routines, their clothes, and their conversations or their expectations in life to appease men, "just in case", but it is the normality and incredulousness of it all that has really made me sad.
In Scotland we have the phrase, "the way its aye been" which we use to describe traditions and practices that have been that way so long that no one really remembers why.
Some things just should not be normal.
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