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Dear Warren, Thanks, and I mean this, for your writing. Your fears, worries, and all, are real and valid. Don't let anyone tell you they're not. And yeah, getting started with a therapist is weird and awkward. No one wants to do it. We all just want to be happy. But therapists can definitely help. They're not all of them great, but you won't know until you invest the time and open your heart to them. It's risky and it takes time to build the necessary trust, too. I think it's wonderful you're going to see someone and I wish you the very best. And I'm sorry to hear you cut yourself again. Here's a book that may (or may not, I don't know): All That Is Red. Check it out on Amazon. By Anna Caltibiano. It's fiction and it's about cutting, but more metaphorically. It might help give you thoughts or perspective. Take care, Emma

What's up dude! Totally got you on this one. Its like "I'm lying to people...but am I lying? This is who I am. Wait dont tell them!!" I struggle with that every day too bro. Especially at work. Keep your chin up, we'll get through it :] I'm glad your girlfriend is super supportive. As long as you've got at least one person to help you out, you dont have to hold the world on your shoulders. Hit me up if you ever need to talk. And for star sake, abuse that blog button! Helps a ton Warren

Hi everyone. I'm new to this blog stuff and sharing things. I'm FTM, a guy? I don't know all the terms I'm a man stuck in a chicks body is how i put it. Been this way since I was 4 I'm 25 currently. Have had no help, since I just started going to therpy (my theripst is pushing to get more info and get out there a little) . My family isnt really supportive. I mean we dont really talk about it but the times we did it was like why would you do that. Only person I have is my wonderful girlfriend. She supports me and wants me to be happy, however I see it. I'm not open like the other transgender people. I dont want people to know that I'm changing unless I want to tell them. This blog right here is a HUGE thing for me. I'm just not happy anymore I need help. I've been lying to people forever it seems and its awful cause I'm not really lying. I am a guy I see it everyday when I'm not feeling like crap about myself. I've lost friends, dropped out of school because a "friend" told everybody that I was a girl, and been made fun of. The people that got over it all see me as a guy now. they know, but act like its whatever. sometimes They all talk about it like its nothing and its something to me. I just want to be respected as a man and its really hard not getting that, it hurts more then anything. I don't know I'm shy and don't really know how to talk to people but I'm trying. Hit me up if you like. any info ideas support is welcome. Later

Have you ever had to do something, but had to wait to do it? And in that time of waiting, it seems like time ticks by fast when you need it to slow down, and not fast enough when you want it gone? I suppose everyone has. But tuesday is really dragging on my mind. I mean, yeah, I need to see a therapist. I know I do, and I cant deny that. But in the same sense....I dont want to. I dread it. I dont want to open up. I dont want to sit down and talk to someone about my broken, ignored childhood. I dont want to talk about how losing my Dad literally destroyed me. And I do NOT want to talk about being the wrong gender. I guess there's that little part of me that's just scared of what he/she will say. I've had so....soooo many people come up to me and say "Maybe its just a phase and you dont know it yet" or "Maybe you started the thought out of the blue, and kept it in mind so much that now you believe it" or my favorite one...."Maybe its just for the attention". If it were for attention....wouldnt I want everyone to know about it? Wouldnt I go to work and just blabber about it to every coworker and customer I see? Why would it make me break down in tears from depression, knowing I'm alone in it in so many ways? I dont want the attention from it. I dont need the attention. I just want....I dont know....acceptance. From myself. To wake up and look in the mirror and smile instead of cringe. To not have to tug on several compression shirts just to keep myself from breaking down. To not have to wear a sweater to bed because I cant stand to see or feel "them" near me. I just want to be happy. This past week has been my own personal version of hell. And I'm seriously...seriously sad to say this..but I broke my resistence. My one and a half month of harm-freedom had been destroyed. My world came crashing down, and there was nothing I could do to stop it, or tell myself that it would be okay, and believe it. I've added six little scars to my book of memories, and I'm ashamed of it. I cant tell what's worse though. The fact that I did it..or the fact that no one notices? It took my boyfriend a good two months to realize that my left arm was littered. And thats with us sleeping together every night, WITHOUT a long sleeve shirt. At times it feels like no matter what I do or what I pretend to be...I'm still invisable. A twenty two year old depressed young man, trapped in the body of a scarred, scared, ashamed girl with next to no career, a failing sense of worth, and a hopeless depth of numb agony. I know looking up is always the best bet. That no matter how deep the hole gets, I can always look up and try to find that bright blue sky. But lately it seems like that blue sky does nothing but rain on me. And instead of getting an umbrella, all I can find is a lightning rod. So, yes. I'm nervous to have a therapist. I'm nervous as hell to have all this put out in the air, while physically being in front of someone. Online is one thing. I can hide behind me screen. Shed any tears I need to without anyone noticing. Hide my face away in my hood. But in front of someone....I cant. I've broken apart so many times, I'm afraid I'm running out of glue to fix it. I'm almost giving up on it. Almost digging out that dress he wants me to wear. Almost putting on that hat til my hair grows back. Almost dressing up like his mother nags at me to do. I'm just so tired of the agony I have to go through, just to be me. We dont ask to be transgendered. But it happens regardless. No matter what your religious views are, since I have none, it's unfair. If its God testing me, I cant help but why? Why test someone in such a cruel way? Test me for what? Well I fail. I chose to fail. No, I dont have the patience for the crap. No, I'm not compassionate towards those who strike me down. And no, I will not turn the other cheek. For now, I'll fight with what I have left. And hopefully leave the therapists office on tuesday with some sense of purpose. Its all I can hope for. Warren

Anyone newly transitioning will nod a big "YUP" to me about this issue, and maybe some of you trans-vets out there too. Public Bathrooms. The lou. The resty. The bowl of salvation, the think tank, the throne. Call it what you will, but the issues remain the same. Where the hell do we go? I'm FTM. I DREAD the bathrooms. I will literally try to be as stealthy as humanly possible to sneak in the door, find a stall, and wait there until people leave before I rush out and wash my hands then run out of the bathroom like my head's on fire. I feel like I'm not supposed to be in there, and this notion is clearly shown by those around me. I'm in that stage where I'm starting to look more male in what I wear and such, plus the help of compression shirts, yet I still look rather feminine in ways I cant control. So just as its confusing for me to figure out which door to run through, I'm sure other people in the bathrooms are equally as puzzled as to if I'm in the wrong bathroom or not. One instance, some time ago, I found myself face to face with a rather rude and angry mom in the womens bathroom, snapping and yelling at me that I should be ashamed of myself for going into a bathroom with little girls present. Clearly she thought me male and werent too pleased I were there. Yet that were the only time that's happened. Otherwise, I have received the timeless glares and silence that will say a million and one things. I only ventured into the men's bathroom once, in the run down building of a Subway Restaurant, and it terrified the hell out of me how filthy it was. True, it could have just been because it werent really the cleanest place on the planet to begin with, but for the sake of my slight Germ fears, I fled the room and went into the women's bathroom instead since no one were around anyway. But I've not found the courage in myself yet to go into the men's bathroom full time. I'm not ready yet. I dont look the part yet. Men are just as cruel as women sometimes, and I fear that where the women are silent and cruel in their stares, the men would be even more taunting about it. But I dont know.... So what does a struggling FTM do? I avoid the womens bathrooms at all costs, because it puts me in an aweful funk after. But I cannot venture the men's bathroom yet either. Do I hold it as long as I can until I get home to use the bathroom? But there's that whole health factor that dictates that my idea isnt really the greatest one. It's puzzling and frustrating. I'm sure you MTFs out there have had the same issues. Whats some of your experiences, good and bad? Let me know Warren

I've had my fair share of nervous smiles, glares, stares, frowns, and gasps of exasperation or indignation. I've endured the indiscernible twitterings of which I am the topic, obvious by the unapproving sideways glances in my direction. I've watched some step back in horror as we meet in the doorway. It's clear in that fleeting moment that they believe one of us is entering or leaving the wrong place. I love those incidents... funnier than hell... I came out of a multi-stall bathroom once (I was the only one in there at the time), only to find a woman waiting outside. She briefly made eye contact then breezed past me and into the bathroom as I cleared the doorway. Interaction between this woman, her companion and the wait staff indicated she was a regular, so she knew the bathroom had several stalls, and the main door did not have a lock on it. So I wondered, why was she waiting for me to come out of the bathroom before she went in? Quite often, the bathroom is the last stop before I walk out my door in hopes that I will not have to pee again before returning home. I look for single-use restrooms. If there are none, I note the times when the bathrooms appear to be less likely crammed with women, and I will go to a stall that is as far back as possible. Or I will go to a bathroom that is somewhat out of the way - the ones that no one wants to walk so far to. When travelling alone... because my STP is "always ready," I usually just find an out of the way place to pull over, and water the grass.

Hi Warren This got to me man. I hit all three of those in one day and once I'm in that funk it last for days. Like you I work out till I'm dead but sometimes I think for what. No one sees me how I want unless my girlfriend has "the talk" with them. I'm to embarrassed by the though of telling someone that thinks I'm a girl to tell them that I'm a guy. Or I lie and say what I'm no girl and just shrug it off. It's hard most of the time. just grin and bare it I guess. I think one day we all will be what we want but we will be better people for all the crap we had to go through. Good luck to you

Thank you Emma. I have been reading his and its like everything I think and feel. Its nice knowing theres people who care and are going through the same thing.

Hey Kerig, Welcome to TG Guide. I'll bet you'll like it here. I sure do, and there's a lot of info and great people here. I'm glad to see that you started a blog, Check out Warren's! I think it helps a lot to write about what you (and we) are going through. This is a great and safe place to do it. And please add your comments and thoughts to other postings, too. We'd love to hear from you. Best, Emma