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I apologize, first of all, for not being here very much the past few days. I very much appreciate all the kind messages from you guys in concerns to my wellbeing, but please do not be insulted that I did not reply to your messages. It's been sort of a habit of mine of late... Online-friends will message my kik or skype, and I read them...Please know that I DO read them. But...I cant get myself to reply. I have no words in mind, no fake smiles to share, or motives for my disappearance. In truth, I have found that hole I used to hide in, and have fallen deep into it. Fallen so deep that it is hard to decide what is up and what is down. I'm not sure what's wrong with me, to be honest. I'm just....so angry....and I dont know why. I'm angry at everyone, all the time, over nothing. I'll wake up fine, and it'll be a normal day. Then it just hits me, without me even realizing it...I'm snapping at everyone, glaring at everyone, just all around being a very angry person. I dont understand it either, and unfortunately it has made for a very stressful week. When I'm not angry, I'm pitifully depressed. My therapist has asked "do you think your emotions and depression and anxiety problems root from your gender identity problem?" and I had immediatly responded with yes. But sometimes I wonder if its not. I know these things have to come from somewhere, and depression doesnt just spring out of thin air. I know every branch has a tree, has a root, sourced from a seed. But will being who I really am....really make me happy? Will I really be able to wake up and start the day without wanting to curl up into a ball? I dont know. And I'll be honest with you guys, completely ****ing honest....I'm scared. Scared that I'll go through all this, do what I need to do, lose a lot of friends and possibly my boyfriend...only to find out that it's not what I really wanted. What if the man I turn into, isnt who I've been seeing in the mirror all these years? I'm not going to lie. Not even a little. It scares the **** out of me...when I think about that. I've heard the stories of transguys doing everything, only to realize that who they were 'pretending' to be was really who they were. I've become afraid of intimacy in my whole confusion of self-identity. I dont like certain activities anymore. I avoid them. Sure I'll do it if it's only me, but otherwise....I dread it. And I dont even know why. What's bugging me on a sidenote of ^^that^^ is the pain. I get the most annoying pain/cramping afterwards, for up to two days. No one knows why...Mentally I keep laughing it off and saying "It's my male side feeling violated and is angry at me". But medically it is kind of annoying. I dont know...I just felt like rambling. My harming has come back in a full swing, and I was stupid and didnt use cleaning alcohol before/after so now its all red and sore as hell. I dont know why I do the things I do. I dont know why I say the things I say, or think the things I think, or act the way I act. I just....do. I cant help that. And even if you said I did, I wouldnt know where to begin. I have another appointment with "Joan" on tuesday. I'm honestly not looking forward to it. At this point, I'd rather just curl up in bed and flip "the bird" at the world. I dont want to deal with this crap anymore, especially when I dont know what crap I'm sick of, or why. I just am. Good news is I lost more weight. Bad news is I dont know if its from the exercise that I've stopped doing, or just from my mood this week. Yay, I think? Warren P.S. If you guys need my kik, just private message me. I get your private messages in my emails on my ipod, but cant respond til I get on my laptop, which is never very soon. I can respond better on kik.

Hey Warren, Good to hear from you, and no apologies needed man. Just glad you're back here with friends. But I am sorry to hear about your troubles. This may not help but I hope you can accept that what you're feeling is absolutely normal. This road your taking is scary. There are no guarantees. But, my sense is that you know it's the right road for you. Still it's hard to trust your instincts. So, you need to allow some time to slowly experience things, discuss with your therapist, and gradually make changes. Which is frustrating I know, because shoot, we just want to be happy. About regret: I saw an article recently in Huffington Post by Brynn Tannehill, that discusses this. Yes, there is a small percentage that regrets their transition, maybe 2%. That's about normal for any surgery. And leaves 98% that are happy they did it. Below is the link to the article: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/brynn-tannehill/myths-about-transition-regrets_b_6160626.html I was advised by a transwoman that we need to realize that after the surgery and hormones we are largely still what we were in our heads. The body is closer to match our gender and that brings a lot of peace. I think you're on the right track my friend. Keep talking, work with your therapist, and ask your BF for some TLC. You've earned it. Go ahead and give the world your middle finger, but go see Joan on Tuesday. It's a pain in the ass at times and we wish we didn't have to but she's there for you. Best wishes, Warren, Emma

11/22/2014 Today I was 100% feeling female and thinking about it. It was distracting but since I didn't need to work or doing anything it was okay. I talked to my wife about my appointment with the therapist and going to the support group and mentioned that she recommended that I go out dressed as much as I need to meet others like me and get the support that I need. I told her that if I cannot get on top of this soon, I will need to transition. This was upsetting, and I knew that it would be however I just wanted her to know how despirate of a situation this was for me. I told her that I was still digesting the support group meeting. A lot was said and it was a bit much for me, attending for the first time. I am really thankful to have gone. 11/23/2014 This morning I was definitely feeling bad about my feelings of being female that I desired to be male. This used to happen to me a lot when I was younger, not so much now so it is surprising when it happens. It is this kind of self-loathing that I need to recognize for what it is. I need to acknowledge it but also not let it define me. I think that I did a good job. Later that day, I was better. I hate not being to wear whatever I want to. But understand why. --Lisa

This is me with some makeup on. I think this photo was taking earlier this year. But could be last year photo also.

Well I did some shopping today at Sally's. I picked up two nail polish and a nail file. The lady at the store was great to talk to and funny.

After I came out to my brother, he said it suddenly became clear to him where my anger comes from. It's not that I walk around angry all the time...but when something triggers it, I guess it's either pretty bad, or at the very least, pretty obvious. And it seems only since I've gotten older, that I have a little more patience for some things. I've heard of others indicate that they were angry all the time prior to transition or publicly/generally coming out. So it's highly likely that it is indeed the conflict between physical sex and gender identity, or the lack of recognition and acceptance (by those you've come out to), or the inability to live as your true self, or any combination of these things, that pave the way for your anger. I agree with Emma.. you definitely need to continue seeing your therapist. And flipping the bird at the world helps. Just make sure you don't flip it at someone who's liable to be angrier than you...and decides to try and seperate you from your finger... -Michael

I so addictive to pink right now. I love the pink nail polish I'm wearing. I love to find shoes that the colors purple and pink in my size. I want some of Kat Von D lipstick .

Cool, I'll check it out! I'm not familiar with that one.

Yes I did from an app called Superimpose.

Nice photo! Did you add the effects yourself? Emma