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In the part of Kentucky that I live in everyone is religious and I mean that to the most extreme of existent(of course it's nothing like the WBC.). Anyway ever since I was small I related more toward boys thank I did the girl's my age. However it wasn't my parents that were the problem...No both my parents provided neutral choices and let me choose whatever I liked and for that I am grateful. However the one thing that I can never shake is the fact that I was Forced to go to church as a preteen. I was around eleven when she started making me go. Sure I had went up until that point but I always had a choice. Now don't get me wrong I am religious but my Mom's reasoning is what I don't completely understand because it was when I was around that time when I chopped my hair off for the first time. Now in my mom's opinion a girl/woman is suppose to have long hair and she expected me to follow that code. But the thing was, I hated my hair....I could always imagine myself with something similar to a buzz cut and always said that was what I would do when I got older. The hair style I settled for back then was more of a pixie cut than anything else because the hairdresser refused to do what I wanted(hair dresser was my cousin also so she knew my mother.) Needless to say my mom freaked out and basically asked me why I wanted to look like a boy. At that time I had no answer. So she assumed that I was lesbian and made me begin to wear dresses and skirts and asked the preacher to pry for me since I was going through a phase after the passing of my dad. Everyone I knew (minus a few cousins that got forbidden from talking to me during this time) began to tell me how I was wrong for wanting to be like a guy and I started believing it; even if I still dressed in pants and kept my hair shorter than my mom would have liked. This lasted up until I met this one girl invited me to come to her church. she's in her mid twenties now though I have no idea what age she was at that time Though she was obviously older than me. I'll call her "A" to respect her privacy but she was the reason I didn't turn my back on religion. You see what made "A" different was that she was masculine and she felt the same way toward girls as I did, and the best thing was...the preacher at her church knew. He didn't agree with any of it but he didn't judge and that was more than what I could have asked for at that age. For that short while I didn't feel lost, I felt like I could finally be myself but it wasn't meant to be because "A"s parent's had gotten divorced and she was moving in with her dad downstate. Again I fell into a slump because hardly anyone understood how I felt; even the guys I had use to hang out with only saw me as a girl and I hated it. I think I had only five friends in middle school and only one knew how I felt and didn't try to change me and actually helped me through a lot of my emotional problems during that time and even if her and I are not on speaking terms at the moment I still owe her a lot just for putting up with me back then. High school was a different story all together. I met a group of students that had a lot in common with me. One was MTF and actually on hormones, one was FTM and the other four was just crazy. It was because of them that I started expressing my gender identity and even had my hair cut in an almost army fashion for the first time. But like always people's always saying "You're going to get kicked out of church." So what? It's just a building and there are churches that would accept me. Just because I am not comfortable with the gender I was assigned at birth doesn't mean my faith has lessened. My mom still see's me as a girl...My brother is homophobic and everything else in between but most of my family knows something's up with me; especially when I tell them to call me Lane. But I know that if I ever want to be happy I have to break away from the social norms and be my own person; even if it means losing the support and love of members of my family.

Today is tuesday, and as some of you know, tuesday is my therapy day. The day I suck up my blahness, climb out of bed, and go sit and chitchat with my therapist about...basically everything and anything. But this time, I broke down after I left her office. I sat in my car, gripped the steeringwheel and attempted to get a grip on myself, before finally breaking down and bawling my pathetic eyes out. I feel like she gave up on me already. I were originally instructed to see a therapist for my anxiety and depression problems, but mostly for being transgendered. I admitted to my therapist that I think my self harm, depression, and anxiety are all linked and rooted strongly to my identity issues. I strongly believe that if I were able to truely be Warren, I'd be better off. Happier. Healthier. On the paperwork when I originally signed up to go to therapy, they'd asked me "What do you expect/hope to get out of therapy? What is your end goal?" Honestly, I didnt know. I still dont. I'd left it blank because of that reason. But today she put down her notebook and looked me dead in the eye. "I'm going to be honest and frank with you," she said. Instantly I knew something was up. "Until you can decide what it is that you want, I dont see a point in you even coming here. You dont know where you're going, you dont have a goal in mind, then I dont know what I'm supposed to do to guide you to it. Until you decide what it is you expect or want out of therapy sessions, it's going to do you no good. Think about it over the week until I see you again" And that was it. Nothing more. We were done. Dont get me wrong, shes probably right. But I cant help but feel like she was throwing her hands up in surrender and saying "You cant figure out your own problems then I cant be your solution". I made next week's appointment on the way out, but honestly I felt numb as I did it. Just nodded and said 'see you later'. I dont want to go back. I dont know what I want, damn it! That's why I was going, to get help! I know I dont want to be what I am right now, isnt that clue enough for her to help me figure things out? To be honest, I'm tempted to just call them back and cancel the appointment and not go back. I feel like theyve given up on me already...it's only been the second session, and she throws that at me. When I've finally broken down in front of her and teared up because I'm frustrated with staying hidden. She said so herself, that it seems more like in terms of life, I've secluded myself. So why the hell would you back out and leave me secluded instead of trying to draw me out?! I dont know what to do about the situation. Advice or opinions welcomed. Frustrated as hell, Warren

Over the years, from hearing about other trans people and examining my own self, I have concluded that just like autism, transgenderism has various levels. I am not sure how I would classify mid-level transgenderism, but I can clearly see both ends of the spectrum. This morning, I watched a YouTube video Emma shared with me. The link is as follows: I saw that those children are an example of the high end of the spectrum, even at a very early age. I, on the other hand, am on the low end. I do not want to cross dress, as it violates my personal conviction that is based on Deuteronomy 22:5, in The Holy Bible, where it is written that a man shall not wear a woman's garment, and vice versa. I am paraphrasing, here, and am not trying to impose my beliefs on anybody. I have been delivered from my judgmental and condemning attitude I used to have. Anyway, another thing that puts me on the low end of the spectrum is how I like my hair to be short. Again, the Bible shows me, personally, that it's a shame for men to have long hair. Again, please don't see me as preachy. I'm merely voicing personal convictions. You may be wondering why I consider myself trans, then. I still have, as I've stated aforetime, the classic feeling of inner female. There's nothing on my outer shell that is remotely feminine, save for a slightly larger breast on the left side, something that has shrunk since I lost nearly 40 pounds between 2009 and 2013. My female feelings have only grown. I have tried ignoring and rebuking and suppressing and disguising them, and yet I still have progressed to the point that I, just last Saturday, searched the Web for transgender support and happened upon this site. After some hesitation and prayer, I took the plunge, just the other day, and signed up. I'm glad I did. By meeting others, I can compare and contrast my experiences with theirs. I have concluded pretending and ignoring and disguising does not work. I believe even God wants me to be honest, and so I am thankful that you don't necessarily need surgery to be classified as transgender. I also have a growing discomfort of men's restrooms. Blame that on the inner woman, something that feels more real when I'm with the guys. It neutralizes when I'm with the girls, weird as that sounds.

Hey Warren, I have a lot of thoughts about this. First, you are doing the absolute correct thing by writing about it here. We are here to listen and to help as best we can. Second, I completely understand your hurt, anger, and disillusionment with your therapist. How she could demand that you spell out your goal for therapy is beyond me. I was angry myself when I first read your post. After I calmed down I thought, well, maybe you could give her some goals. Here are some ideas. Obviously (I hope) you are the only judge as to their accuracy for you. I just hope they trigger some ideas: 1. Relief or ways to handle depression. 2. Help with sorting out and planning what to do with your gender expression. 3. Understand what is driving you to hurt yourself, and, learn and implement ways of handling those issues without having to hurt yourself for relief. 4. Help with understanding how you can talk to your family, and, if it doesn't go well, counseling on how you will deal with this. 5. Same thing with your boy friend. This is important, whether or not you stay together. If he leaves or you break up there will be another one. Please do not cancel next week's appointment. These goals are all very important for you. I suggest you write down more, maybe come up with a crazy long list, and then you can consider combining and prioritizing. While I don't think the therapist was tactful or kind, she does have a point. You and she are a team. And as a team, you both need to know where you want to go, what it means to make progress and succeed. So her question is okay even though very poorly presented. Let's keep up the discussion. Emma

I don't even know what to say. I've never been to a therapist...but I thought therapists were supposed to help you figure out things. I would think that not knowing what to expect, or knowing what kind of goals you should set would give them a clue as to how to approach your issues, and then get you in a frame of mind so that you can declare those things. But... I dunno. I think I wouldn't be too happy about tone of today's session either. -Michael

We've talked....enough, I guess. It sort of seems like its not a subject he wants to discuss too much. He says hes open to the conversation and I know he tries really hard to understand and listen, but you can tell from the look on his face that the whole time hes hoping I'll just stop.

All right!!! I think I'm getting it now. Thanks, Emma. Jenny's blog is up and running. I am very grateful I found this place where I can escape my manhood and be one of the girls a while. I am just going to write random thoughts, whatever is pressing on my mind at the time. Since I'm new at this site, I will allow my first entry to be a sort of intro. In the real world, I am a man, but I've always felt like a girl on the inside, and I'm deathly afraid to tell my family and church members outright. At least I won't be judged or criticized, on here. I like my short hair and men's clothing, and I do not want to wear makeup. I don't want to keep on pretending my inner woman doesn't exist, either, and so joining this site is allowing me to express these internal feelings like I never have before. I've begged and begged Jesus Christ to take this cup of internal female feelings from me, but they persist just as my blindness continues, for I was born blind, 38 years ago. In spite of this, I will keep looking to Jesus for my help, and while I wait for Him, I will just have to be honest with Him and myself. For this reason, I must be glad I found this site and I am learning about it as I go. I feel like I already made a friend on here, and I want to be as much help as possible. If you were to see me, you'd see a man, but my inner man feels womanly, hence the reason I am signed in here, obviously using a girl's name, unlike in the real world, where I fear judgment and condemnation. god knows my heart and how I've prayed and fasted for years, and still feel no relief. Yet, I cannot keep pretending to be comfortable in men's restrooms. I'm just glad that there is a TG category called non-op, because I don't want to be cut on, and I couldn't afford it, anyway. Anyway, that's enough rambling for now. I will write, later.

Dear Jenny, Congratulations! Your blog looks fine. I'm sure many here would agree with your sentiments about having a feminine existence inside and a masculine on the outside. I certainly fall in that camp. I suggest that you try to watch/listen to a 20/20 episode called "My Secret Self" that is available on YouTube here at this link: It's mostly about children who also experience gender dysphoria but I found it very affirming because I also felt similarly to these kids. But I had an automatic shame response that prevented me from talking about any of my feelings to my parents or anyone else for a very long time. Might I also ask if you are seeing a therapist, or if you can find one? Especially people like us very much need someone we can confide with, share our feelings, and gain some understanding. Therapists are not all the same, of course, but one has to try to find one that works. I highly recommend your taking this course if you can. And yes, please write later. We look forward to hearing from you. Sincerely, Emma

Everyday passes I feel more comfortable in my transformed gender yet confident but I don't think surgery is required. I am working to develop to keep both genders yet switching back & forth. But currently working on how to live for 150 years as cds' r & ways to extend ones physical life ! On YouTube check Shazy Jeo channel

It's only the begining for me but i'm really excited in bringing out the girl in me )