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To prepare physically for GRS I decided to stop eating any fast food and only eat fresh veggies and meat purchased the same day I consume it. Running on a NordicTrack at home, lifting lightweights, slamming a punching bag for tone. To be honest out of the past three months devoid of fast food I do not feel any healthier but have notice I am constant in bowel movements. Lastly, I only drink coffee and water. I had elective surgery in 2010 and 2011 were I did the same thing and healed up quickly. One of them was abdominoplasty which involves a great deal of work to say the least and think if I did not prepare I would had been hurting a long time. PS If you ever consider abdominoplasty, do not watch comedies while recovering, it really hurts.

I am confused. Now, as a cranky old guy I admit there are things I may never understand. This is something that I understand even less than anything else. Scenario 1. Pamela decides to transition. and becomes Paul and then decides he is gay. So after many years of painful surgery, Paul decides to dress in clothing that is not unlike clothing that his female counterpart would wear, and begins to wear makeup again. Paul is convinced that he is no longer gay, but pansexual. Paul is also deciding that he wants to look more like Russel Brand and thus begins referring to himself as "The female Russel Brand" . Paul also makes remarks about himself (such as reacting to a spider in a very lady like manner of screeching and crying) that it is his "Girl side coming out..don't judge" Paul is a real person... and I come across similar, though not so drastic situations every week with young transmen. "I'm a transman, but I am gay" or "WHen I transition I am going to F*** everything that walks" and still "WHen I have a dick, I am going to be so strong." My all time personal favorite to hate is: "My boyfriend and I are going to be together and get married even after I transition. We'll get married and have kids" so I asked "How? How will you have kids?" His response was "Well in about ten years when I am ready for kids I will just stop taking T and just be a mom." Are you @($*%&(* kidding me? Now first of all........ Trans is about gender... not genitals. while I am sure It is convenient to have matching parts, it is not the 'thing' that makes one a trans person. When did being transgender become about sex? It seems to me that way too many people are misguided in thinking that there is somehow some magical happening when they begin to take hormones. Well there is, but I don't think it works the way that some of these kids think it does. You can't just STOP being a trans person. You can't just STOP taking hormones and revert back to your old self. You can't just STOP and expect people to have any respect for other trans people who are truly struggling to do everyday things like.. staying alive! So lets address those things: 1. You can't just STOP being a trans person. Hard to believe as it may seem- being trans isn't an option. It's who we are born or made to be. (yes yes that whole last sentence is a controversy all its own.. we will talk about that in a different post.) Being a trans person is something that maybe hundreds of thousands of people deal with every day. NO ONE voluntarily says: "I think I will dress in the opposite sex's clothing and claim to be something I am not because I am so sick and tired of being accepted. I truly want to be shunned, ostracized from my own family, hated by the moral majority, stared at in public, possibly hurt or killed by bigots!! OOOH WHAT FUN! WHEN DO WE GET STARTED?" We are who we are. It is a fact. To 'stop' being a trans person, means that we either had to sell out and sacrifice our identities for something big.. and I mean huge! or you never were. Yeah, I think it is that simple. I am a very public person, and because of this I have access to peoples lives that most other people don't. I ask questions that most people wouldn't dare. I get away with it because I do it on stage. The result is phenomenal. The result is -no person who is sincerely trans would ever utter phrases like the real ones I listed above. For most of us, transitioning is the one action that saved us from suicide. 2. You can't just STOP taking hormones and revert back to your old self. Now I am not sure what taking hormones does for trans women.. besides the obvious.. breasts, emotions heightened.. possibly a softening of the skin and weakening of lean muscles. For a transguy, it is completely different. For me, and for my friend Paul, and most other trans guys I know, the first thing to happen is a change in temperament. Paul and a lot of the other guys I know turned into dick-heads. They became mouthy, crude, more insensitive to women's issues. They started toning up, and working out. Their voices deepened, and their skin, especially in their faces became more rough. That was after the immense amount of acne on their back chest and face. For me, almost the opposite happened. At the age of 40 I got acne for the first time in my life. My voice is so deep now that my Choir-Master has to rewrite the baritone parts for me and make them deeper and with a smaller range. I used to be a second soprano. Now I am almost off the charts, but I have a very limited range of depth. My face is rough and yes, I am finally, after four years starting to get facial hair. I'm native American, so I was prepared for this laid back attitude that the follicles were going to undoubtedly display.. If hair could talk mine would say "Hey man... don't worry about it.. we'll fix your face when we fix the fence.. right after bingo... sometime.. oh after the Pow-Wow". Its finally happening at 44 and three quarters years old.... I didn't get 'cut' or built like a greek god' unless you can find a five foot Indian and mexican god with a love for plain latte's and a dislike for exercising 'god' like figure... then nope.. not me. I'm a fat guy. Meh... What I didn't expect, and what others didn't expect is what Testosterone injections did to my behaviour. After reading article after article, my 21 year old daughter moved out just two weeks before I took T for the first time. The underlying theme was "The female who takes testosterone will most likely experience a rise in aggression and anger, undoubtedly, anywhere from one to three months to a permanent change in behaviour." She wan't having any of that. I was already so angry that I threw things at the walls to release that anger.. and I may have been sort of a profanity spewer. Maybe just a little. What testosterone did for me was to balance me out. I no longer have anger issues. None. I get angry and have found that because my hormones are in check, I can express "I am angry" verbally without losing my cool. It is sort of a miracle thing that happened.. no one is afraid to talk to me any more. I am told that I am an anomaly in this matter. I am self confident where as I never was before. I've stopped paying for maid service. I do it all myself now. I have physical strength and stamina that I never had before. I have learned to compartmentalize things like you wouldn't believe. ? WHen my girlfriend asks me "What are you thinking What's on your mind" Ladies... it is not a joke.. there is NOTHING there. Believe your men.. they aint lyin sistah!!! There is no downside to this. part of transitioning. The point is, I have named only a very few of the physical, mental, chemical and emotional changes of taking hormones I wasn't born with. A trans mans voice will never return. If I stop taking injections, I will never be a second soprano again. I will never have soft skin again, and while I don't personally have to worry about a whole lot of hair growth that I would have to lazer and wax off, I did find my first chest hair the other day.... dammitt if it wasn't silver. You can't just 'go back'. If you even think that for a moment, you probably aren't trans to begin with and what you need is not hormones, but deep psychological help to get to the root of your issues. It's nothing to be ashamed of.. its just a fact. 3. You can't just STOP and expect people to have any respect for other trans people who are truly struggling to do everyday things like.. staying alive! In 2013 I had the privilege of speaking at Boise's TDOR (Transgender day of remembrance) memorial event. TDOR is something that we don't celebrate, but instead, we mourn. Every year people are beaten and murdered for being trans. I took this next bit from TVTP IDAHO; A website that tracks transgender violence. I will put the link below. as well Tragically, the level of youth being murdered in the four months of 2014 has been astounding. 8 year old boy beaten to death by father for being trans* 14 year old strangled to death and stuffed under a bed Two 16 year olds were shot to death Three 18 year olds stabbed to death, dismembered, or shot Two 18 year olds murdered with no details being reported An 18 year old suffered two violent attacks by a mob and survived Please tell me.. on what freakin planet is it ever ok to hurt a child? But to beat one to death because he is transgender? This is not a society that is kind to trans people. This is not a society that will ever fully accept trans people. This society is still so full of Good Old Boys that still thinks it is perfectly acceptable to publically humiliate other people. One cannot just 'stop' with out some backlash to the rest of us. Now I am a big guy. I am not fragile. I am not afraid of what someone can say to me privately or publicly. II would be a damned fool though if I ever thought or stated that I am not afraid of what someone could DO to me. Not just no, but hell no. If it hurts, I don't want it to happen to me. I am just that crazy about the welfare of my body. To be honest, I am just crazy enough, filled with enough love and compassion for you too.. Personal safety is a huge issue with trans people. Those people who have or think they can "Just quit" (I repeat) are not trans to begin with and have bigger issues than hormones can fix. The other safety that is maybe even more life threatening is the real risk of suicide. This year I lost two people to suicide. One jumped off a building in Boise. The other just passed a few weeks ago. They were painfully saddened, and lonely people who felt that there was no other way for them to live.. so.. they ended it. In the past twenty years I need all ten fingers and eight toes to count the suicides of people I have loved. Trans people are not immune to rejection. The words that others speak to us are hurtful, painful, damaging and yes they can even be life threatening. I started by saying I am confused.... Young trans brothers and sisters, transitioning is not something to e taken lightly. This is a lifetime decision.. For a lot of you, certainly for my young friends Paul and Peter (yes those are their real names) it a community.. it was a lot of excitement to belong to a community that would give them privilege (the male community) and what they believed to be better access to jobs, sex, and self worth... but they aren't really as happy and secure as they thought they would be. Peter now knows that his voice change is permanent. Take as much time as you can to make the decision to transition. Think every single aspect through. If you are reading this and are just so excited to get started that you don't have time to do your homework fully and completely on the changes of changing... then I would say you are not ready, for what ever reason. THIS is a decision that will affect the rest of your lives. Know what you are doing. It's a reasonable thing to ask of you. Paul believes that he will be just fine wearing makeup and lacey things with his beard and that the world will just accept him as he is. Maybe.. but doubtful. I am just speaking honestly. Peter still thinks he can quit and have babies in another 8 years. Paul.. told me not to judge. I won't. As for myself.. I can tell you, I went through two years of tears and anguish when the only thing that had given me any comfort in this world through all my personal struggles and the deaths of my brother and friends was gone.. my voice. I will never sing well again. I'm in the college choir because singing is all I have ever known. There are a lot of other things that I wanted to write, but don't have time to cover here. Being trans isn't like the latest fashion trend or smoking cigarettes. You can't just quit.. If you think you can, you are more confused and disturbed than I am.

I can't see when I last posted or even what I said. I'm certain, though, it was quite some time ago. Many things were different than before and are different than now. I've probably said before that I'm an alcoholic, though not recovering. I used it to drug myself into rest for the night. For over a decade, I had no trouble arising and going to work when I had a job. Nor did I drink more while I was looking for a job. Things seemed stable. I'm sure I've described how stressful my last two jobs were - lodging and money, daily uncertainty that I would still have the job the next day. Each was far enough from home that I was alone in my hotel, which is what I prefer in those cases. Actually, my last two job searches haven't caused hardships. Maybe I've gotten better or maybe the market for my skillset has returned to the US. Anyway, I was offered this 9-month contract at a relatively low rate but in an application I hadn't learned yet but that was trying to replace the application I'd been programming with the last 15 years. Since the two programs are nothing alike on the other side of the screen, programming with the "new" app was difficult at first. I needed a few months of intense study before I understood enough to read through someone's else's customization from the past. When I did, I saw immediately that the style that was followed resulted in code that was extremely hard to read, even if you understood every line. IMO, it was unmaintainable and TG it was only a proof-of-concept and didn't have to be used any more. So, then I learned enough to copy what I needed out of the old code to write my new customization. I've developed a style over my 29 year career by adopting many of the practices I've learned from other professionally developed programs. I, of course, choose only the ones that produce the best results - correct, concise, well documented, maintainable code. Since the client I work most closely with is also a developer and knew the old code, my style was not what he and my employer had used before, and my designs were different that ones they'd seen in the past. Those changes made them uncomfortable, so at first, they added "fixes" using their old style. The mixture was really ugly. After 6-8 weeks of me writing, debugging, testing and documenting the first feature, they started looking more deeply and doing user-level tests. They found some bugs that I was able to fix in a matter of hours (not days or weeks ) and that fact impressed them as well. The low number of bugs improved their confidence, too. After they'd learned all of what I'd designed and written, they were happy to leave me alone, doing things my way because they were sure it would end up good. The client even said that he'd learned quite a lot from me already that he'd continue doing for the rest of his career. Although the client manager thinks he is preventing me from "stressing out," by not telling me his schedule, his milestones, his deadlines, I have no clue whether I need to change my plans to accomodate his needs. He receives changes from the users all the time and I have to be flexible, nothing new there. The uncertainty, though, did increase my stress. That added stress cause me to drink more heavily. I realized just Friday morning that I'd lost my grip on the addiction. It was now risking my work, my job, too often for me to ignore. Friday, I turned off the tap and haven't had anything since. I don't intend to start again, but relapse can happen. Care about me and send me your spare power, please. Thanks.

Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens , bright copper kettles and warm woolen mittens, brown paper packages tied up with strings , these are few of my favorite things . This song melody was from a 1965 American musical '' The Sound of Music '' staring Julie Andrews & Christopher Plummer directed an produced by Robert Wise . We are born in the way we are for sure . How much of what we were exposed to in our past lives has molded us into what we have become today . I was told so many times '' toughen up , toughen up , do not act like a girl. Now that I am on my own '' pink '' that girly color truly is becoming my favorite color . In the past I was taught to shy away from this color boys do not wear such things. I do like bright colorful things , flowers , butterflies , soft feeling things like lace , nylon , and satin . I like to go shopping . I remember going to department stores with my mother , I would love to hide in the ladies dress racks feeling those dresses against my skin. The sound of falling water is so peaceful , the oak forest whispering from a breeze is pleasing . How about music and dance . I like all kinds of music and I can dance for hours. I do like to smell like a girl ; before when I did not shave those underarms , well anyway........ that was not so pleasant. I like to change my look from time to time , before I always carried the same boyish image. I like kind people , and those not so kind , I know there is a smile in there someplace. With all these likes and there is plenty more. I wonder , how that I was raised to be so tough , that I am now living and experiencing those girly things that I do like. I should be like a Sylvester Stallon '' Rambo '' or something . '' The Sound of Music '' movie was such a great musical . I remember watching it several times . Julie Andrews to me is the epitome of a lady like classy lady , both in the movie and in real life. How much did watching that movie so many times influenced how I perceive how a women should be ? Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens bright copper kettles and warm woolen mittens brown paper packages tied up with strings '' These are a few of my favorite things . '' Be what ever you want to be , just love yourself that is what really counts.

I will never give up the sound of music... I will never know what it sounds like coming out of my mouth again... Its the price I paid for sanity.

I won't be going into all the background here. You can find that in my previous entry, "Why I Told Mom" I'd been advised by my therapist that I should just wait for Mom to contact me. I'd followed that advice until this week. The day after Christmas, I called her to wish her happy holidays. That wasn't all we talked about. Near the end of the referenced entry, I described call the woman I thought was her best friend in the area. At the beginning of the new conversation, I asked Mom how she felt about that. She'd been shocked that I had told Judy at all. I told her I'd done it only because I'd been concerned that she would be behaving as I would, taking on all the guilt, no matter how undeserved, and beating herself up emotionally. I repeated that I'd called Judy for her, not for me. I next asked how she and Judy had gotten along. Mom said they've become even closer. I'm pleased. I think I did something right this time. After that, I explained why I'm estranged from my brother. It's because he is just another bully. Throughout our adult lives, at every opportunity I've given him, he's told me what I should do and how I should live. When we were facing eviction several years ago, my wife made me call him and ask for his help. He didn't agree. Instead, he went behind my back and made an arrangement with the apartment complex. Each month for 4 months, I had no way of believing that we wouldn't be evicted and the stress was incredible. They had also agreed that I was not to be told anything at all and the manager lived up to that. Eventually, I found a contract and was able to pay the rent myself. Unfortunately, that contract too ended too soon and we were unable to save for the future. Once again, my wife made me call my brother to ask for help. I also checked if he had been the rent fairy before and he admitted he had. This time, he agreed to lend me more money. Thankfully, I needed only one month's rent that time. Another contract, another job search, another time unable to pay the rent. Another call to him. One too many trips to that well, though. Instead of the help we needed, he was angry at me and yelled that he wanted his money back right then. He pulled a complete 180 degrees from telling me to "pay it forward" to "pay me back!" That was the last time I've spoken with him. I didn't give Mom all the details I've described here but I made it clear that I feel he is a bully and has been since high school, that I won't put up with that kind of treatment anymore. She told me that she was going to stay out of what happens between us. Apparently, she figured out that it could do no good. And I'm good with that. I'm still employed only on short-term contracts, there will come a day when I will need help again, but there will never come a day I will turn to either of them for financial help.

I'm glad that you wont be going back to that well. Help given grudgingly is worse than no help at all.

Source:

Sending you hugs with best wishes for strength, happiness and success. :)

I knew what I needed to share with you today. That's part of myself. You need to know why I'm exposing this now and not before. That was/is him. You need to know what I'm trying to deal with besides my body. That's about her. Three sets of needs and needs are more than wants, more than desires, more than wishes. Needs are needs and some needs are nearly universal. Because those are, we humans have empathy. Because we have empathy, those needs have been recognized as applying to each of us but in different degrees and different ways. Each of us also develops a personal way of serving our needs, including our need to serve some others' needs. Sometimes we can satisfy a need, other times not. Sometimes we can heal a wound, others we can't. Sometimes we can suppress a need. Usually that won't last forever while that need increases at its own daily rate under the rug. Eventually, the rug can't cover the mound of sh*t that's under it. Where does it go then? I'm sure you know. Him. You can guess who that refers to. He's the one everyone else thought I should become. He's the one everyone else said should learn to be more masculine, less sensitive, less angy, less hurt. He's the one everyone, even those who should be the closest to me, expects me to be. He's the one who could never satisfy anyone's need for him to be normal, average or adjusted, perhaps even sane. He's the one who has disappointed everyone but teachers or librarians. Me. Again, you know who this refers to. I'm the one who is still a child. I'm the one who hasn't experienced real life yet. I'm the one who should have lived if anyone had ever considered my presence or needs more than their own. I'm the one who intends to live the rest of this physical life here in this mortal realm. It's the better of the two realms I've had to live in so far. You may ask, "Then who is Her?" She's one of those I mentioned a bit ago, one of those who should be closest to me, one who should consider my presence and my needs as much as her own. She is my wife, who has said she doesn't want a divorce, that she will stay with him/me. She'll swear she loves me, but now I can't touch her. She's said only he may satisfy her and only in one way. More than that intimacy has come into conflict. I'm an addict and my drugs are alcohol and nicotine and who knows what emotions. To follow the HRT treatment plan that my doctor and I have agreed upon, I have to stop using and right now. I've tried to stop before, but when those who you've shared the most of yourself with seem to predict you'll fail just as you always have, it's a whole different ballgame. I have to not only not hear the drugs, not feel the desire for them, I have to ignore the "advice" the distorted perceptions send into my brain. I have to ignore that I don't feel right, that my mind doesn't work as well as it had seemed to. Today, my mind wandered twice during the drive to the restaurant. My wife took me to task. She seems to think that having stopped a few days ago, that I'd be at 100% and she believed that all that time I should have been operating at 50% at best. Her needs. She fears me attempting to transition. She fears what others will think of her, what they'll say about her, to her, what they'll do, how they'll treat her. She needs to stay married. She needs me to support her financially. She needs me to fulfill his promises to her, promises he's never been able to fulfill to her satisfaction. How did today bring this out? Pitifully, it was yesterday's "Romantic Comedy Marathon" on the Valentine weekend. _Sex_and_the_City_ was a huge cult thing. Because it's 4 women's friendship and their lives and men and marriage and everything, it's a fully featured storyline. Through all of the turmoils, these friends have their differences. Sometimes one or another can't get along with another right now but this group survives and everyone stays with them, they love each other, they love their men, they love themselves. These ladies have things he and I have never had and that I may never have and I'm crying for that. Last night I was sobbing but forcing myself to not lose it. Here I am. I need love. I need affection. I need some respect and some dignity. And I haven't had them and it doesn't look like I ever can. For all of you who aren't like this, be grateful. It's not because it's Valentine's Day tomorrow. It's because you have faith it's there. You can have faith it will stay there, within your grasp and you within theirs. It can't be guaranteed; that's why it's about your faith. That's why it's up to you to deserve it as much as you give it. Do that. Do that for others. And then do it for yourself, too. HUGG

Dana...thank you. That was eloquent and poignant. I am dealing with the OTHER side of this issue: neither my H nor B has ever had a relationship with either gender. Always everything would be sabotaged so that no one could find out who lived under the B's skin. Men couldn't love B. Women couldn't love H. I feel myself helpless and shut down...because I could love both in any way s/he needs. Thank you so much for this blog.

Wow Dana, thank you for sharing this insightful struggle. Being transgender is a tough road and we all have to find our way through the complications, especially relating to family. I found that having a strong support network including my therapist, mother, friends and a local TG support group helped me work through the maze. Online resources weren't even available at that time. It was one step at a time and sometimes the going got tough, but it worked out pretty well in the end. My best wishes for you. I hope you have the support you need.