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Showing content with the highest reputation on 01/18/2015 in all areas

  1. I'm going to post this this morning, because lately I haven't been getting to it on Sunday nights, like I try to. Week-of-2015-01-12 Another busy week. I worked late Monday, then had to go to a church meeting then stayed up late to watch the National Championship (I went to Ohio State). Anyways, that "cooked" my goose well. I didn't recover until the following Saturday. I did go to my Therapy session but skipped MAGIC because I was too tired. It was funny, I literally was driving there and just decided to go home, because physically and mentally I was running on fumes. While at therapy this week, I talked about how I thought that I could control everything and fix everything. But have figured out over these last few years that is not the case. I may be able to fix "some" things, however I have no control over anything. And that is something that has taken me time to let go of. Prayer has helped me understand, that any feelings of control is not truly control and that there are only some things that I can fix. But once I let go of the need to fix everything and control everything, I started to realize that I need to look into transition. Being TG or even just dressing isn't something that can be controlled. Those are feelings that never go away or leave. Anyways, the therapy session felt really short. I elaborated on a lot, but the last 15 minutes of the meeting I started to get serious about focusing on what was needed to take the next steps. Like what happens next if I transition. I told her that if I transitioned, I would need hormones, electrolysis / laser and will have FFS, because I think that I need it. I asked for endocrinologist referrals. I think that my therapist was surprised by the whole discussion. When I came in for my first appointment I told her that I would take 3 to 6 months to make a decision and here it's been only two months. She said that she would recommend me for it, just based on the sessions that we've had so far. I told her though that I need to come up with and determine my own TS roadmap, before I proceed further. I mentioned the TSRoadmap website and that it has been there for years and she had never heard of it before and was glad that I told her. Last night, I started to go through everything in more detail on the TSRoadmap website. It did not have all the answers for me, however it had probably about 95% of them. I literally started to populate a project schedule with the things that I needed to do and events. I'm thinking at the earliest 44 years old and 45 years old being the latest. But it will take a lot of effort to get there. It's not a track meet by any stretch of the imagination. I was a little disappointed to find out that my health insurance excluded treatment for TG, even endo and hormones, unless "medically" necessary, whatever the hell that means. I'm going to call them (BCBS) in order to find out how that determination is made. Another thing that was disappointing was that Ohio, the state that I was born in, will not update sex on my birth certificate. However, I can get my gender marker updated in Virginia and on my passport, which are the key documents for employment, etc. As I learn more, I'll let people know. Sorry for the long blog posts! On a separate topic, one of the things that came up when I was talking with my mom was my dad and if this (me wanted to transition and being in a crisis) could be happening because of him dying. I told her that I did not know, but that it was possible. He knew that I had dressed and went to therapy when I was growing up. But I had often thought about telling him that I was transgendered (among other things) just so that he knew before he died. It wasn't at the top of my agenda, particularly during the last month of his life. At first when he died, it was a fleeting thought like, well I didn't talk to my dad about it, but it doesn't really matter because he is not around anymore. But now, particularly the last month or so I have felt otherwise. I miss him and the conversations that we had and his feedback (he hardly ever gave me advice). I think he would have been supportive of me, however I just don't know. But I wish that I did and to talk with him about it, because I have a feeling, he would have given me good advice. I feel so much like $hit sometimes about him not being around. It's still hard for me to fathom. I always think that he is a phone call away and fooled myself into thinking that he would make it and always would be. And then there are times that I would think that I don't need advice from my parents anymore. And after my parents stopped giving me advice, a funny thing happened. I yearned for their advice and acceptance. Anyways, I can't do anything about it. It makes me sad though. Thank you for listening and your support! Love, --Lisa
    2 points
  2. ***I thought that I posted this earlier, but it did not come through (luckily I saved it!) Coming off of Christmas, I was really busy going back to work after being out for 2 weeks. Things are becoming more clear for me and I think that I am going to start exploring what needs to be done to transition so that I can go into it with my eyes wide open. On Friday I was supposed to have a therapy session but rescheduled, however I did go to the second friday support group. One of the topics was friendship and when sharing how my friendships have been affected by being trans, it became crystal clear for me. Though I've had periods early in life where I've made good lasting friendships, I have been unable to do that the last 25 years. It has been a challenge for me because I think people could tell that I was not being 100% open with them. It's not like it is anyone's business whether I am TG or not. However, most people can sense these things. And I think that I have been holding back somewhat because of what was going on with me. Plus, I've been leading a double life somewhat, friends on both sides, not being able to merge the lives and sets of friends. Unable to invest in strong, long-term relationships. I've been in a gray area. Limbo. Regarding the crystallizing moment, that's when I realized that I've been wasting a lot of energy on being two people. It has affected my relationships, it has affected work and my business because so much of my energy has gone towards this and not something else. It's been distracting, particularly these last few months. I think about being "me" constantly. Returning to work this week, the feelings of not being who I should be are still there. They have not gone away and never will. This isn't like quitting smoking, or drinking. This isn't a mind over matter thing. So anyways, at that support meeting I finally realized that I have to transition. It won't be for a while, because I want to get my affairs and finances in order. However, I realized that I have been wasting so much energy, time, etc. that it has affected all of my relationships in one way or another, that I have felt terrible at different points of my life (even though I should not have). Wasting time in repression, purging, depression that have taken away from everything else I could be in life. I started this blog for myself and to share based on a FB posting. I am glad that I did. I tend to keep things inside and tend not to share for a variety of reasons (mostly I am extremely introverted). Writing has helped me vent and to get it out. It's helped me think things through so that I can be confident about my decisions. But most importantly, I have received a lot of support from everyone who is reading. Thank you so much! Everyone who has contacted me to offer support and share, I really appreciate your support and your friendship. It has been so hard for me to get the support that I need, because I never took the time to reach out. I'm glad that I did and thank you. And if there is anyone reading these words who needs support and friendship, please do so. You can contact me or start a blog just like I have. I would also like to apologize to taking several days in some cases to get back. It usually not until the weekends that I get a chance to reflect on the week and have the time to write about it. Please have a good weekend and week. And thank you again! Love, Lisa
    2 points
  3. Emma, Thank you for your support. This journey most likely be a marathon. That's okay. As long as it happens by the time I am 45 years old. Love, --Lisa
    2 points
  4. For me it's not about having to do this before I die. It is more about how I want to live. If I found out that I only had 2 weeks to live and hadn't transitioned, that would be the least of my worries and honestly, I would have no regrets. No matter what I do, I do know that I will regret not transitioning now and later in life looking back on it. Because my feelings won't subside. There is always the possibility that they will, kind of like they did for a number of years until lately. But I doubt it. I'm in a different stage in my life, where it's not about advancing my career. So once those took a back seat to my life, everything has changed for me. I wouldn't call it a mid-life crisis. I would call it a re-prioritization of my life.
    1 point
  5. Hi Lisa, I'm also happy that you kept a copy of this post - I'd hate to miss it. And I'm glad that you're finding that the blogging is helping you. For me it's so helpful to write out my thoughts so I can gain some perspective and not have to try to juggle them all in my mind. We're all in 100% support of you and your journey, wherever it takes you. I hope you're confident of that. Hugs, Emma
    1 point
  6. Several unrelated observations from the past week have led to some thoughts I'd like to share here. Sneak preview: I wonder if I am transgender. Answer: yes. Here goes: I attended a TG Discussion Group (i.e., not led by a therapist) this week. Everyone there except me has either fully transitioned or is on hormones. I mentioned that I had not gone to any of their social events because I don't have a complete feminine outfit (with all of the accoutrements) and am wondering these days how important that is for me. Someone said (in a nice way), "Gender isn't the clothes. It's all between the ears." Everyone nodded and agreed. Thinking about it later that night I wish I'd asked, "If it's all between the ears then perhaps that explains why some are comfortable in their choice to live within the boundaries of their born sex?" I suspect there is some truth in that. And maybe those in that place under the TG Umbrella don't see the "boundaries" at all. I'm thinking this may be me. When I consider attending a TG social event fully expressing myself as a transwoman it is a little exciting, sure. But there are rather big buts, such as: I want to look nice. Not over the top at all, just well put-together. Assembling all of the pieces of such an outfit would be very expensive when you consider I'm starting from essentially nothing. I don't feel an inherent joy in making my face up more than perhaps the minimal that most cisgender women do. But goodness knows I'd need a fair amount of it applied in an artful manner. And, the thought of doing all this for perhaps a 2-3 hour event with people I don't have much in common with... Maybe I'm not transgender at all. I'm just a lonely imposter in the TG house? I met with my therapist yesterday morning, one on one. I told him that I just want to be loved by my wife for who and what I am. I told him all of the above, and: I often sleep in a simple nightgown since I was barred from sleeping with my wife in "our" room. Nothing fancy or frilly, it's like a long-sleeve T-shirt in a soft modal fabric. It just feels good, like a hug. When I wear a leotard and tights (under my outerwear), here again, it just feels like a warm hug. I'm okay. Yes, I occasionally get a minor and transient erotic thrill but that's also similar to how I feel when in a warm embrace. At the discussion group one of the transexual women (who transitioned >30 years ago) mentioned, "Although transitioned, we'll never be fully women. For example, when I attended college after my SRS and the other girls shared their prom photos and other girlhood memories, I didn't have those." She said it very matter of fact, with no emotional baggage. I responded with something like, "Oh my, that must have been painful for you." No one else picked up on that and the discussion moved on. Also at the discussion group I felt a bit left out as they were largely focused on hearing themselves talk. I guess I don't blame them. Like me, there are darned few places where they can express themselves. I wasn't able to get much of a word in edgewise and just listened. My therapist responded that the feelings I express are, in his experience, more typically those of a woman's. Earlier that week he had a couple in for therapy where, for example, the wife used my same words, "I just want you to love me for who I am." So yeah, I am a member of the transgender camp, grateful for having a place like TG Guide to come to, express myself, and share my feelings. Emma P.S. I sincerely hope that all who read this understand that my writing is solely about my own thoughts and observations, and I don't mean to imply any judgment of anyone else. I'm truly respectful and appreciative of everyone in the transgender community, their individual journeys, gender expression, and rightful place under the umbrella. Photo: I shot this from inside the Excelsior Lodge in South Africa a couple of years ago. I loved their windows and the scene they framed. It seems like an appropriate photo for today's blog.
    1 point
  7. Your comment about being an "imposter in the TG House", I used to feel as well. Especially if you go to a group where several have transitioned or are in the process of transitioning. I felt like if I was not in the process of transition that somehow I was a fraud. Someone said they felt like a fraud and someone else felt like they did not have courage as well and I said that I felt the same way to the group. But, we can't feel that way. We all have our own individual journeys and should not feel like we have to transition, have SRS, etc. For example, I may never transition. If I did transition, I may have FFS, but will most likely not have SRS or at least have it for a while. Yet I feel the need to present and express myself as female. And look good. It's true that gender is between the ears. But we all have a need to express our gender in some way. For me, it has to do with how I am perceived and what I've learned that society finds acceptable. For others, it may be different.
    1 point
  8. Muchas gracias to both of you! I really appreciate your support and comments. A recurring issue for me is, as Veronica says, let the chips fall. It's hard for me to let go. I'm working on that. It's all part of my own Finding Myself Journey I suppose. Maybe I should have satin baseball jackets made with "Emma's 2015 Tour" embroidered on the back? Kidding. I'd never do such a thing. Warm hugs for you both, Emma
    1 point
  9. Thanks for sharing Emma, the way I see it you are trans* by all means, no question about it and I say that in a good way. And I enjoyed reading this blog entry. IMHO it is not the clothes, heaven forbid I am not one to put on makeup and fancy clothes to say to the world "Hey, I am female". My best friend is relentless in trying to get me to purchase very pretty outfits but I will not have that. I agree to somewhat that it's between "here" that indicates I should be female or I should be male dependent on the person but to me, it's in my head. There are days in the past year I went out to teach a class and wore the appropriate clothes and not even attempt to look female but yeah I did and that is just fine with me. In the end I am comfortable in jeans with my hair in a ponytail. PS I am not one for sitting in a group to hear myself chat with others but instead a willing participant to share knowledge that benefits the group.
    1 point
  10. Until present I have told two former girlfriends that I was transitioning and now have disclosed this just now to another one. The interesting thing is, each of these woman have stayed friends with me ranging from 14 years to eight years since we broke up. I am very fortunate to have these woman remain in my life. On a comical note, each of them want to go see me soon after I have recovered from surgery and also two of them want to take me out shopping for clothes while the other one has done this countless times with me already. One of the ladies has only communicated with me via phone calls and has not seen me during my transition. She said, I will be really mad if you look better than me when we meet again. No way that could happen, she is beautiful and a size 1. The woman I just told wants to meet up with me before I head off to California in a week, hopefully we will not get into any trouble as she lives life on the edge and we have done some crazy stuff in the past.
    1 point
  11. Congratulations, Karen! :D
    1 point
  12. :) have an awesome weekend KAREN ! Veronica.
    1 point
  13. I was concerned about my name change getting done on time as it has been 24 days since I started part two of the process and was suppose to be done in seven to ten days. Looked in the mail, nothing so I decided to head on down to the courthouse and see what was going on expecting to get a reply I was not looking for. Well I was surprised to learn it was slated to go out in the mail today. The two people work the desk pretty much got it done today and walked out as Karen Payne. Tomorrow my plan is to visit DMV to get a new drivers license so that I can now book my airfare for my trip in two weeks for GRS. Also had a meeting with my immediate team at work about my plans for GRS, all went extremely well. Tomorrow I come out to the section I work in then take the afternoon off for DMV.
    1 point
  14. One thing I truly do when there is a long process and I want to move forward I am like a freight train and do not stop until I get it. I hope what I write about here inspires others otherwise it's all for nothing as I am on the private side and only become public in the hopes of helping others and at the same time others can help me :-)
    1 point
  15. I am usually pretty long winded.. so I'll just say "Thank you, for not giving up and continuing to inspire"
    1 point
  16. 1 point
  17. Wonderful news Karen. Do you mind if we call you that ? Hugs Veronica.
    1 point
  18. Congratulations Karen! I'll bet that's a big relief. One more thing you can cross off the list.
    1 point
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