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For 99% of the days since surgery I have bad mornings. Most of them I wake up way too early. Many of them I feel nausea to some extent and just down right crappy. Usually take a two hour nap within two hours of waking up. I have noticed the past few days that I am starting to feel better. What really makes me feel normal is right after morning dilation and a nice hot shower. Anyways thought others going down this path might be alerted to you too may experience this too.

In Tampa Bay, Florida (Clearwater, St. Petersburg and Tampa), we had 'outings' in public restaurants and clubs. Also, we had gatherings in homes, some of which I sponsored in my apartment. In Orlando, we would gather at a nice hotel. That was until 15 years ago, but I don't know if they are still doing it. I hope so. Feel that the Internet is a blessing and a curse. A blessing in that there is support 24/7, and you don't have to step out your door. A curse, in that I have noticed that a lot of 'face to face' resources has disappeared in the wake of the Internet. We need the Internet as an ADJUNCT to face to face interaction, not in the place of!

So recently I moved from the smaller dilator to the medium dilator, first time was painful the whole time but got a little better each time yet was still painful. Tonight I just finished and very happy that there was almost no pain. If things progress as they have been I should be good by say Sunday. Any ways the purpose of this entry is too tell others who will go down this path is that in the beginning it is no picnic but does get better. eek not looking forward to the larger one :(

Everyone should have a 'transition song'. I listen to mine every single day. Every time my transition gets to be too hard or too frustrating. "Silhouettes" by Avicii is mine. Not only because of the video that comes along with it, but for the lyrics. "We've come a long way since that day, and we'll never look back at the faded silhouettes." It means you have to keep looking forward. You're not the person you were back then. You're not the same person you were on the day you decided enough was enough, and you're now you. The REAL you! I vowed that it'll be the song I listen to before I go in for my top surgery, and I'll listen to it as soon as I come out. Avicii has kept me going with that one simple song, so...soooo many times. Blaring it in the car, on my headphones, on the stereo....anything. It keeps my head up. I wanted to take a minute to vent out some encouragement to you guys, and girls even. I had this moment of bursting enthusiasm on my way home tonight, of course, while listening to this song. One day you will have your moment. Maybe it's already come and you're transitioning. Maybe you're still trying to get up the courage to have your moment of truth. But one day, you'll have it. And it will be sooooo soooo uplifting and relieving. To finally get it off your chest. A truth that no one can fully understand and appreciate unless they've been through it. Since I started my job, my new doctor, and my therapist Joan...I've grown a person. I was depressed, dare I say suicidal, confused, frustrated, angry, and overweight. I was stressed. I hated my reflection, I hated my life, my situation, my family…I just wanted out. I soon turned to cutting, slicing away at my arms because the pain numbed the emotions. Hiding in a bathroom stall at work simply to avoid talking to people. Enduring the stinging of my chef’s coat sleeves rubbing against my bandaged and swollen arms, only to increase the agony later that night. I know it sounds like I’m only being depressing right now but bare with me here for a moment. That was almost a year ago. I went from 235pnds to 208pnds. You want to know how? Not with my diet, because it hasn’t changed much. Not with exercise because I don’t get much aside from work. Happiness. Comfort. That’s what I credit it to. I’m a happier person, more comfortable in my own skin. And that all came from one simple thing. Truth. Accepting who I am and moving forward to become that man OUTSIDE as much as I was INSIDE. Acceptance from my boyfriend, and knowing that he’ll be by my side even if I think he’d be best with a real girl. Someone who like to dress up and look pretty. Acceptance from myself, that I don’t HAVE to be Kristy. I don’t HAVE to put on make up. I don’t HAVE to put on that blouse, or that pretty skirt, and damn it I don’t HAVE to shave my damn legs every night and make my hair perfect and torment myself with the constant images of what I knew people WANTED ME to look like. I threw aside my faded photograph of the girl my mother raised, and instead started to draw my own picture. Of me. Of Warren. Point is…be you. I know that sounds corny but it’s true. BE TRUE TO YOU. A quote from Aslan from Chronicles of Narnia was “You doubt your values…don’t. Don’t run from who you are.” No matter how far I ran or how much makeup I bought or what my dresses looked like, I was running away from my true self. The person I knew I was deep down inside, no matter what people said. So what, you don’t want to wear that blouse? Then don’t! You want to put on jeans? Damn it, rock those denims! You don’t like bras? Guess what, no one does! Ditch it! Sure, you might have to exchange it for a binder or so but hell, I wake up every morning and put it on and don’t feel HALF as miserable as I did looking at those damn “boulder holders”. You don’t like heels? Great, they’re uncomfortable anyway! You don’t like makeup? FINE! You’re gorgeous or handsome how you are! You want to try boxers? GOOD ON YA! You’ll love it, theyre comfortable as hell! Cut that hair! Dirty those hands! Get under the hood of that car, no one can tell you that you cant! Damn it, same goes for you girls! You like pink? SO WHAT!? I LIKE BLUE! And red, really. You want to wear a skirt? Well damn it, shave those legs and rock those pastels! You like heels? Good on ya, because I cant stand them! Someone’s gotta do it! Lacey pink panties? Hell yea, that shit is adorable! Makeup makes you feel good? PERFECT!!! That’s….perfect…. It makes you feel good…it makes you happy…it makes you…YOU.. Don’t bow down to society. You like dolls, you like cars…who cares? True they whisper. True they talk. But it’s worth it. Every word, every lie, every muttering word they spit. It’s worth it. It might not feel like it right now, or tomorrow, or a week from now. But one day you’ll look back and realize it was worth it. I hated myself back a year ago. I hated going out. I dreaded getting dressed in the morning, and I wanted to burn my wardrobe. I hated my hair, I hated brushing it, hated doing ANYTHING to it. I hated putting on makeup. Now….I love me. It’s not perfect, and there are certainly things I want to change. But I’m comfortable. I cried when I cut off all my hair. I cried because I could finally see what I wanted to see. All those years of standing crouched in the mirror so I could try and imagine myself without breasts. All those years of tucking my hair into a hat to try and picture what I’d look like as a man. Worth it. I wake up, rake a hand through my short hair, pull on my boxers and my jeans. I wrestle into my binders and tuck them into my jeans, button up my favorite green shirt, and drop my hat on slightly sideways before lacing up my steeltoe boots. I stand up, look in the mirror….and I see…ME. Warren. Not someone pretending to be who theyre not, just for the sake of salvation from judgement. We get judged every day, regardless of your gender or orientation. Theyre judging you for the car you drive. The soda you drink. The socks you wear. The food you eat. Why not get judged for something that matters? This matters to me. Being myself. Being happy. And even though I still have a long way to go, I’m comfortable knowing that…. “We’ve come a long way since that day. And we’ll never look back at the faded silhouettes” Kristy is my faded silhouette. She was pretty, she was kind, she was shy, but she was scared. And she was depressed. And she was so…so very confused and frustrated, and wanted to endure no more. She blossomed, she toughened up, she worked on her car and she didn’t give a damn. She became Warren. Warren is cute, almost like he skipped puberty and stayed adorable. Warren is kind, he is shy, and he certainly still gets scared. Warren talks to a therapist, but mostly just to give himself a kick in the ass when he needs it. To make himself stop and think and get a move on. Warren is no longer depressed. Warren is no longer confused, he knows who he is. HE is HIMSELF. And you are too, but only if you let yourself be. You cant blossom if you don’t look at the sunshine. You cant transform if you don’t break out of your cocoon. You cant win a race if you don’t hit the gas. You cant lift that weight if you don’t break a sweat. You cant see the light by hiding in the shadows. Be who you are. I cant say it enough, I really cant. You may be transgendered, but you’re also transformed. In more ways than one, you have evolved. Or you’re yet to. If you haven’t yet…don’t fear it. Don’t fight it. Because it’s the most wonderful feeling in the world. Walking into a changing room and being directed to the mens rooms when you once shrank away in the women’s room. Or being shown a pair of heels when someone once forced your sparkling piggies into boots or sneakers. Trying on that skirt for the first time and realizing how wonderful it felt. Putting on that baggy tshirt because damn it, that ****ing blouse drove you crazy! Chosing those bangles and earring to match your outfit. Taking off the jewelry and getting dirty. It’s different for everyone, but I can promise that everyone has the same smile in the end. A real smile. A true smile. One you’d been hiding, or perhaps you never knew you had. Be you. No one else can do it for you. Warren

Hey Warren , thanks for opening up like this. I believe you and in you . Integrity is a virtue one presents , in your case a boy to a young man.

I made a new contact on twitter the other day, her name is Susan (not her real name). After a few tweets we e-mailed and then a day or so later had a phone conversation. Getting to the point she said she was a self-employed Management Consultant. When she came out of the wardrobe (Tranny Closet? ) to her customers she was assured thaty it wouldn't change anything, and she was congratulated etc., etc. She then found that 70 odd percent of her customers went elsewhere.........She's getting by, doing menial jobs that she's overqualified for, but she obviously didn't fit in with British business culture as a Trans Woman. Now I've got pretty left of centre political views (middle of the spectrum Labour Party) and I'm a member of LGBT Labour, an organisation that advices the Labour Party on LGBT issues. So you might guess that I'm pretty disgusted with what happened to Susan. I've been invited along to another LGBT meeting In Redditch (to the south of Birmingham 15 miles or so), it's a group that is in it's infancy and another Trans Friend and myself will be the only Trans people attending. I thought it'd be good to put a slide show together with Keynote showing the issues and thoughts that we have whilst transitioning. So I put a few photo's showing the stages of feminisation that I've been through amongst the slides of bullet pointed text. One of the photo's showed myself with another friend who is still very part-time, luckily I asked her if she was comfortable with a picture of her in the presentation. Where and whom willl it be shown to she asked, when I told her Redditch (her home town) she started to make non commital noises, she was obviously uncomfortable with the idea. She was actually afraid the company she works for might somehow find out about her, and make life difficult for her, I thought yes look what has happened to Susan. Part of the problem is that she works for a company that has been split up, bought and sold 3-4 times over. Staff are not really valued by those who have ultimate control over companies, and it only takes a customer whom my friend might be sent to, to complain about sending someone who cross-dresses. Faced with this, the easy thing for the company to do would be to fire her, or victimise her to the degree that she went off sick with stress, and they could eventually get rid of her on medical grounds. I've blurred her face out so that it can't happen, but I thought that it was, in this case, going to be a good example of the fears that a Trans person has to show others, when coming out or being found out, which can easily turn into paranoia. I remember it myself. Luckily I work for local government, who are upholders of Equality........ I don't know if you have the equivilent to our Equality Act in the US, but even though we have it here in the UK, it doesn't stop discrimination, by the unscrupulous rich companies who often fund the political parties. Eve x

Rules, laws, and regulations help but change only happens what the populace redefines its understanding of "right" and "wrong." In the US for example, we have laws banning discrimination on the basis of all sorts of things such as age, race, ethnicity, etc. Also laws prohibiting "insider trading" on the stock market. But proving that a violation occurred is all but impossible or impractical. I think it's terrific that you have the temerity to give your presentation and participate in public forums... raise awareness of how discrimination hurts real people who play valuable roles in our society. That takes courage on your part and you're to be commended.

Don't know what got me started (Kevin Gallagher account) but I went into my albums and decimated most of my photos of my former self but could not bring myself to remove them all which where the one's I was teaching self-defense with. Think I will wait on those until I have pictures for my other (Karen Payne account) FB account. I did first save the photos off to my backup drive, you never know if for some strange reason I might want them but by all intense and purpose they are now buried in the past. I think what got me on this path was updating my work ID today.

I emailed a co-worker whom I told he could use my parking spot at work that I would be in for HR work. He said let's all go out for coffee, which I said sure thing. When I got to work about 10 or so co-workers came over to see how I was doing. I gave them a brief on how things were going and that I will be out for several more weeks (Robin at Marci's office emailed me today and said I can go back to work around March 2nd). So six of us took a walk over to the nearby Starbucks, got coffee, came back and chatted for a while followed by me visiting HR to get my name change going there. I was very happy that everyone came over to see me and had smiles on their faces which meant a great deal to me. There was way too much paper work to complete today so I will head back tomorrow and give them the filled out forms.

Karen, not only did your co-workers accepted you and gave you their support, but they were proud to be seen with you in public. Hooray for you, and for them!

I listen with a compassionate ear , and with a reminiscing grin I partake. These are the words that came to mind while attending a pre- Valentine Day Trans Girls Dinner Party especially for couples. There were some spouses and girlfriends there who have never ventured out with there companion while dressed in fem. The tension was definitely in the faces of many , but as time went on the atmosphere became more and more relaxed . A little wine does help , but as those wives and girlfriends opened up to other couples with the same issues as to what they have been experiencing in there own lives. The evening became very much sociable and rather enjoyable. Outside pressures, anxiety, family responsibilities, depression, the ambiguity of love; these are some of the social issues pressing couples in a trans girl relationship with there companion. One trans girl told me how her spouse was so upset over her breast implant , because the operation produced a size bigger than was expected . Another expressed how she just found out about her companion 4 weeks prior and how she cannot believe here she is at a dinner party with other trans girls. A third expressed how her companion was not gay , and she would not stay in the relationship if she was. Lastly a forth said I do not want this trans girl thing to get out to my friends and my children. There are plenty more examples of social drama within the conversations that night. I give so much applaud to the wives and girlfriends for attending . There courage , there showing of love to make a effort to keep there relationship going was remarkable. Roses were handed out to each companion for the Valentines Day Event. I will end by saying '' Thorns run the length of the stem of a rose , but what is most appreciated and admired is the loving beauty of the flower on top.''............... '' We are here to love & be loved . ''

If so desire, check out my entry at http://www.karenpayneblog.com where the first part is at work (which is duplicated from my prior blog here) and then about current dilation. I truly despise dilation but will never give up :)

Rejoicing your co-workers are so supportive! Am so proud of them!!

That's a really moving story, and it makes me so proud of my wife for putting up with me especially as I am now Eve, and outwardly at least not the Steve that she married. I took a long time transitioning to help her to adjust to my new identity, it's taken over 4 years to the point that I pass in public and do not appear as male anymore. Perhaps we should bear in mind that it can often take our wives or partners longer to adjust than we can ourselves? But know what, it makes me love her all the more. We went on an anti Austerity event on Saturday, she was speaking on a PA system, but I went along to support her, it's things like this that help to cement a relationship together. Eve

Hey Pamela, What fun! I'm envious and I'm sure you all had a wonderful and interesting time. I very much wish I could attend such an event with my wife. Happy Valentine's, Emma

Being yourself and happy being yourself is healthy for the soul. Good to hear things are brightening up.

If it was possible to exchange parts, I'd give you mine and I could have the ones you don't want anymore. You're braver than I am, brother. In the real world, I must keep my Jennifer to myself and be the man the world expects me to be and it's all because of a certain set of parts--the center of guilty pleasure and strange discomfort. That is why I'm so glad I found this website and I am able to hold teleconferences where I can put my masculinity on the shelf and be the lady I could never otherwise be, heck with my physical makeup and the undeniable male voice. There's just something weirdly wonderful about being addressed by a female name. Had I been biologically female, I would have actually been named Jennifer, but the closest I dare use that name is on a musical instrument. I gave that name to my autoharp, like B.B. King called his guitar Lucille. Anyway, I'm glad there are online places where I can ditch the maleness for a while.