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This week has been interesting....that for sure... Well work has improved in terms of being called Warren or Ren (I gave everyone the option to use whichever they prefer, and I have noticed that certain people prefer to use Warren whilest others prefer Ren, and one even likes to call me Renren). There are two in particular who refuse to call me anything aside from Kristy, but theyve gotten the cold shoulder from many who support me because they know it's only out of spite. So, in terms of work, it has been great. Still slightly challenging here and there, but much better. I dont mind coming into work anymore because I know that I can finally be myself. Mike H, the man who took the first steps with the company to make sure I didnt have to hide who I am and got me my name tag, has also made a point to make sure anything with my name on it says Warren. He also makes a point to correct someone if they call me Kristy, and he's been great. To show him how much of a big deal it is to me, even if others dont think it is, I got him a 10$ gift card to our local pub/grill so he can share an appitizer or drink with his wife on me We've become good friends. It's nice to have that boost of support. Support... You know, normally people overlook such a strong word. It's just a simple word, right? Support? Well...if you're in the process of something life changing, emotionally tasking and physically exhausting...a little 'support' means the world and beyond. To have someone who's got your back. To pick you up when you're down, and brush you off so they can tell you 'it's cool, buddy. We're in this together" My boyfriend, Justin by the way, has been extra awesome. He's improved drastically in terms of understanding and patience, and he's always there to help me or give me advice. Even if he's not sure about the situation, he's always there to help me out. I met a friend on my game IMVU online, and her name is Destinee. We've been friends for almost a year now, though neither of us expected to still be chitchatting after a week. Thats how most online friendships go. You're the best of friends for about a week or a month and then all of a sudden, you're looking at the username and thinking "who the hell is this person?" But she's been incredible. She's helped me with the cutting and the depression and everything and anything I had on my mind. We've adopted eachother as siblings. She is my sister, and I am her brother. She loves me for me, and I return the favor. Plus her family thinks I'm adorable and promise snuggles when I eventually visit her in California. It's nice to have that. Support. Love, encouragement....and support. Families are supposed to support eachother. I've...never really had that. Even as a child. Growing up, I always felt like I had to fight for attention. I'm one of five siblings, though at the time there were only four of us. My baby brother came much later in life. But as it went, it was my older sister Manda, then me, then my brother Eric, and my baby sister Becky. My relationship with my mom was always so/so. We didnt always get along, but we didnt hate eachother. My dad....was my hero. Everything about him, I loved. But I was always second best. Manda was his first, his horse back riding girly girl. They enjoyed horseback riding, which I never really got to be a part of unless it was behind my sister...basking in her shadow. Then my brother, my dad's only son. They enjoyed hunting and playing rough. I never got to because it 'was boy time'. Something I desperatly wanted. Then of course, my baby sister. His baby, his little girl. They played, they laughed, and they enjoyed running around and being adorable. Then...there's me. In between genders, not sure of myself...the boundaries I had been given seemed wrong and unfitting to myself. 'Girls dont do that' seemed incredibly wrong to me. I didnt feel like a girl. Did having girl parts make me a girl? Was that the only astounding feature that could condemn me to a life of dresses and bows in my hair? I didnt want that. How could I not be given the choice? Any attempts to explain this to my mother was passed off as 'being a tomboy'. When my father passed away suddenly, I gave up trying to leave my dresses behind. I just wanted to make my mother happy. Years passed, and the attention spans never changed. Manda came first a lot of times, despite what she may claim. First to leave the house, first to have her boyfriend, first to get a car and wreck it in the same year....four times in a row. All paid for by my mother. Any vehicles I wanted I had to help pay half for, and she drove them more than I got to. Thanks... I was too busy playing 'mr. mom' to have friends. We moved 12 times in 10 years, so I didnt get to make friends anyway. It was just me and my laptop, which they claimed I was on too much anyway. What other life did I have? Behind a screen was the only time I could be...me. The attention soon left us all and went to my baby brother Jordan, or one of my mom's 'awesome' boyfriends that she frequently changed about twice a month, if not more. I gave up keeping count. The point I'm trying to make here, is support. I had none. If I wanted to do something, it was up to me. If I wanted to try something new, it was my own problem. If I tried to explain to my family why my 'weird phase' was me trying to figure out who I was...I was just being an attention whore. Keeping my "lesbian" activity secret was me just being an attention whore, despite that it was kept secret in fear of my family's opinions. Me coming out that I were Bisexual was just me just "doing it for attention". My cutting problem was me "begging for attention." Finally telling them that I dont want to be a girl and would like to identify as a male......I'm "an attention whore". Support is a strange and unused word with my family. I didnt always think so. At one point I were sure that they supported me and understood my struggles. That they were alright with it. Until I found out they were snickering behind my back. Laughing about my troubles. Refusing to cooperate or call me warren, or male, or even CONSIDER the possibility of allowing the small children of the family to call me Uncle Warren instead of Aunt Kristy. I snapped. I wrote them a note over facebook privately. I'd like to share their 'support'. Me:Hey nevermind the 17th,(i was planning to visit them) I already know how it's gonna go and I don't need another repeat of the last time I was there. I miss my nieces and Becky and Jordan but my problems seem to be inconvenient to you guys and I don't need to get in another fight about it. I've got enough problems and it's pretty clear by now that you two aren't really willing to work with me on it, as if it isn't hard enough already. I figured you'd understand by now that this isn't a f***ing choice and at least try to understand, but it seems like my family are the only people who aren't willing to be supportive and understanding. If you need me you know where to find me. If you can't deal with having another brother then I'm sure you can deal with losing him too. Your choice, I'm not gonna keep ramming my head into a brick wall if you're not gonna listen or at least put your pride away and try and help me. The responses I got, bits and pieces of a back and forth rant. My older sister for both herself and my mother: "Do what ever you want, this has nothing to do with my feeling on ur chose however It does everything to do with the facts and challenges of small kids, if you aren't willing to understand that your changes are confusing to them then I'm sorry but you can't be part of their life's until Ur changes are made and final. They are simply to young to understand and I won't allow them to be more confused about this" "U are so self wrapped right now u don't even see the problem. Grow up, this isn't about u, my kids are my number 1 important and I'll protect them from being confusion this is starting. Has nothing to do with supporting you, drama queen" My family.... So. No nieces. No family visits. I'm no longer welcome home... The only supporting family I have are those at work, Destinee, my boyfriend and everyone on here. My own blood has decided I’m too embarrassing and confusing for them to handle. I’m not allowed to come home. And the cherry topper for this all? Remember the fight I had with my sister to begin with, and my mother decided not to support or defend me? She just sat there and watched it unfold. No offer of support or even to join the conversation. She’s done it again. She never said a word. She let my sister run her mouth, shut me out of their lives…and she never said a word. That’s what kills me. I never mattered in their lives before today, and now I matter even less to them. The kicker is I cant even go and complain to my therapist about this. I ditched her. She weren’t helping me. She weren’t helping me move forward. She knows nothing about transgendered problems, and for lack of better words, she were ‘useless’ to my situation. I were spending 45$ a visit, plus 10$ in gas to get there, to vent about my problems. I can do that for free at my house. I’m beginning to wonder what the point of all this is. A story hit home yesterday, and I cant stop thinking about it. #hisnamewaszander Sincerely Yours, Your Friend, Warren…I think.

Yes indeed, so far are signs are promising for gratification down the road, happy me :-)

I met privately for an hour yesterday with a therapist who has forty years experience working with gender dysphoric clients; she runs the monthly TG Support group I've been attending. She was wonderful, knowledgeable, and so resourceful. I feel very fortunate for being able to meet with her and felt others here might appreciate my sharing some of the details (that I can recall!) of our meeting. I broke up the points into three sections to make it a little more readable. There is no particular order within each section. General Information There is a biological based theory of gender dysphoria that has had some confirmation with animal testing. It goes like this: there are pulses of hormones in the womb that occur in the second trimester (after sexual organs are defined in the first half of pregnancy) whose timing, intensities and/or durations create the fetus's gender identity in its brain. If those signals are distorted for whatever reason gender dysphoria may result. At this time there is no way to measure these pulses or otherwise test the theory on humans. She felt that this theory seems especially applicable to me, as my mother had many psychological issues of her own (in and out of mental hospitals, major psychiatric medications), eventually ending her life by suicide. Additionally, that I adopted her shame as my own through association. Thus my theory that I developed my gender issue because of envy of girls may be more of a result of a biologically-induced gender issue than its cause. And, inasmuch as it's biologically programmed, there's no "undoing" it; it's an integral part of who I am. It’s quite common for men to feel intense shame about these feelings and find themselves unable to ignore them in mid-life as they more fully grasp that their life is unsettled and/or incomplete and they have limited time to address/explore their gender issues. She doesn’t like to use labels and says that the terms “transgender” and “transsexual” may be going out of favor due the baggage that anything “trans” may carry. She prefers to use “gender concern.” Some men find that while they don’t need to or cannot live dressed as a female (at home, work, or both) that they must wear some female clothing underneath their male clothing or otherwise not be able to remain focused on their work. Examples include: panties, bra, stockings, camisole, etc. Or, they may dress at night and then drive around in their car. Men with a gender issue often experience intense erotic feelings with feminine clothing when younger (teenage) that with time tends to decrease. She had told me previously that contrary to earlier belief that the number of cisgender males and cisgender females having gender issues is heavily weighted toward males, she strongly believes that the ratio of males/females who have gender issues is identical. That said, she acknowledged that women (at least in the US) have much greater latitude of socially acceptable dressing and thus may be able to contend with their masculine desires (such as wearing masculine clothing) without attracting undo attention. I pointed out that a source of uncertainty and frustration for me was that it seems that one's “transgender diagnosis” and location under the umbrella is largely self-determined and that all a therapist like her can do is mentor, consult, provide guidance and so forth. She agreed completely; she cannot tell anyone exactly what’s going on for them nor can she predict the future of where they will end up. Given all of the above I think the intensity of my feelings, need to be accepted for who I am, and emotional reactions to feeling rejected (real or imagined) are very understandable. Specific to Me My struggle with verbally explaining or describing my inner feelings is very understandable; she didn’t have suggestions of other words I might use. (I had thought she might have words that she’d heard from other clients.) She confirmed that my description of being more “emotional” and “sensitive” than a more typical male made sense to her. I described that when I dress in the clothing that I have (e.g., a dress, nightgown, leotard, tights, panties, bra) that it “just feels good” (like when my skirt brushes across my legs when walking) and that I simply go about my otherwise normal existence at home, working at my desk, dealing with our pets, etc. She said this is entirely consistent with her experience. I told her that although the outcome of make-up is appealing the thought of applying it, going through all that, is not. She said let’s face it, most women don’t particularly like doing it either, and women have varying styles. For example, she had a transwoman visit from Las Vegas, wearing alluring clothing and high heels that were appropriate for there but quite unusual for Palo Alto. Likewise, a transwoman from Idaho came wearing a plaid shirt, jeans, and work boots – “right off the farm.” Appropriate for Idaho but equally unusual for Palo Alto! I told her that I don’t have dysphoria with my body; I’ve never felt compelled to chop off my penis for example. Here again, she said that physical dysphoria is also largely a myth; surgery is more for alignment with one’s inherent gender than with revulsion of ones cisgender sexual characteristics. I had printed out the “Sex Orientation Scale” that Karen posted on her blog and highlighted the characteristics that feel most in alignment with me. She immediately recognized the chart from Harry Benjamin’s book “The Transsexual Phenomenon” and showed it to me. All of my highlights are in the in Group 1 “Transvestite” and mostly in the Type I and Type II columns. BTW: she feels that many of Benjamin’s observations and so forth are still valid today, except for the language and terminology. Prior to my current therapist I’d partially come out to two others whom I told that I occasionally crossdressed. They both told me that in and of itself it’s no big deal (sorry, that phrase again). This therapist agreed 100%. And in fact, here’s what’s kind of weird: when I dress at home, like just wearing a dress and underwear, it feels “right,” “good,” but not much more than that. I like it. But when I return (as I must) to Levi’s and a T-shirt, that’s no big deal either. Here again, she said that this is what it is: all very common. It feels good to be dressed at least occasionally (and however partially) as a woman for people like me. Hard (impossible?) to explain: it just does. And to reuse a very tired phrase, if it is what it is, and it seems to be, it really it is what it is. It’s perfectly okay. I’m okay, you’re okay. How about that. Regarding My Wife/Marriage I need to recognize and appreciate that my wife has only become more fully aware of this in the past 2-3 months and that is a very short time; I need to be patient and allow her to come to terms with her own and very valid fears and anxieties. Contrary to an assumption my wife had, I don’t pose/prance in front of the mirror when dressed, admiring myself. In fact, I prefer not to see myself at all although it’s not particularly bothersome if I do. Again, quite a common experience. With my engineer’s mentality I tend to perform thorough analysis, prepare reports, and anticipate that the recipients will appreciate my being so forthcoming and transparent. But as I saw with my wife when I enthusiastically gave her a report a couple of months ago, this was simply too much information too fast. Again, a common enough occurrence. Conclusions: Wow. P.S. For those interested, the therapist’s name is: Judy Van Maasdam, and she can be reached at: jvanmaasdam@gmail.com. Her office is in Palo Alto, California. She gave me permission to publish her name and suggested that those interested email her; you/she can follow up later via the phone as needed.

Emma, That's a very good blog and much of it reminds me of my own past experiences. I was content at first to wear underclothes under male clothes, and then later on to cross-dress more completely but with no make-up or wig. I hid it all from my wife. You've read my first blog regarding telling my wife, so I won't repeat it here, but I have taken a long while slowing down what I knew in my heart would happen and still has to happen, complete gender change, my wife has known that I have been Trans for 3 years now and in that time I have slowly increased my femininity, without coming out as a full-time Trans Woman, It was only on Decmeber 3rd last year that I came out in the full-time femme role, or as some would call it pre-op transexual. I love my wife dearly and by taking my time it has allowed her to adjust to my becoming to all intents and purposes a woman. So please take it slowly with your wife and don't let it dominate discussion and interaction with her. Softly softly catchee monkey. My wife said to me the other day to not let my Trans thing become a disability, what she meant was that she still wanted me to do all the things that I used to do as Steve, but now as Eve. Good luck with hugs, Eve

Strange how support never comes from where you expect it, and springs up from places you never would have imagined. I don't mean to talk bad about your family, but I think your older sister is quite like many older sisters - they can be real b*#$%^s. That's why I was glad I never had one. Well, I do - a half-sister. But we did not grow up in the same household. And I'm glad. So, maybe it will just be her that will be a problem. If the rest of your family come around, her issue with you won't be so bad. I wonder if she's just stalling or blowing you off though (on behalf of your mum) considering she said she didn't want you around her kids until your "changes are made and final." Maybe she too, will be okay with you once you are transitioned. And yeah, like Emma said - you are Warren. Heck, even I cringe when I read your birth name. Not that it's a bad name. It's a fine name. For a girl. But I know how much I hate having to write my birth name. And to me...it just seems that all guys would be the same.

I get half way to the grocery store and realized nothing is needed but ended up going anyways to pickup vegetables for dinner tomorrow night. On the ways there is an adult book store which has many toys and decided what the heck and went in. So I make a bee-line for the female toys, and there are of course more for females then there are for males and took my time gazing. The salesman came over a few times, first time he said if you want me to open any package let me know and thanked him while the second time was to show me discounted toys. I truly had no plans to purchase anything but something got into me even though I like females, not males purchased a life like (even has veins) toy but first had the salesman open it should I could put my hand around it for seeing if it was not too wide. Up to the counter and he said "I want to check the batteries", I asked what type of batteries does it take? He said AAA and not to expect them to last long as they are only there to test the toy out. Then he said, I will give you new batteries at no charge, thanked him again. Came home and for lack of better words examined my newly purchased toy and think I will try it out after my last dilation session tonight. It should be interesting as the dilators lack any real characteristics of the real thing while the toy by all means does. Update: I did try the toy out and it's safe to say I like it.

This isn't the first time I've heard similar from a fully transgendered woman! It's something to look forward to in the future!

I would never purchase discounted items for that exact reason and will not purchase something that looks like it has been opened :-)

We had friends round on Staurday, who we hadn't seen for months. They were aware of me being Trans, but had never seen me before "en Femme", although I had sent photo's to show what to expect. The female half of the couple was fine seeing me as I really am - as Eve, and commented how slim I looked in my long black dress, this really pleased me. We had some drinks, and a little later on the male half of the couple said to me that he saw me as a "bloke in a dress with tits", whilst I don't think that he meant it to be an insult, more of a statement of his ease of being in company with me, I none-the-less was offended by it, to me it was tantamount to stating that I didn't look like a woman. He has always just stated what was on his mind, never mind the consequences, or whoever gets hurt by his clumsiness. I started to realise that he was a dinosaur who is finding it hard to adjust to modern day life in Britain, after a little later on he also stated that he wasn't a racist but didn't like "them", I think he was referring to Asians, I argued the point that he was tarring all Asians with the same brush, and that there are good and bad in all races, but to no obvious effect upon him. I was disappointed with him and the evening that I had been looking forward to. I know that I have changed a lot in the past 5-6 months or so, but didn't realise how much more tolerant I have become, and also how much more intolerant he had become. I have no doubt that if it wasn't for the fact that we had been such close friends previous to my transition, he wouldn't even talk to me, unless he was making fun of me. At heart though he didn't used to be a bad person, but he was just stubborn and had fixed ideas, his favourite saying was "don't try to teach a pig to sing, it only annoys the pig and frustrates the teacher". My wife and the female half of the couple have made arrangements for us all to go on a caravaning holiday to Belgium, Luxembourg and southern Germany in September. In the past we'd have BBQ's and copious drinks in the evenings between the two caravans, which we all enjoyed immensley. I'm not sure that it's going to be as enjoyable in the future. I suppose that I must expect relationships to change, I have already lost a brother and his family, so I have to realise that nothing remains constant.......................... Yours, Eve

Hi Warren, I'm sorry to hear about the difficulties with your family. Support is so important and so many don't get enough from the people in their lives that matter most. I hope that you won't give up on your family, sometimes acceptance and support take time. On the bright side, I'm happy for you that work is going well. KML

Thank you Emma:) I do know of Brynn Tannenhill and saw her speech. I think it was called "I Am Real." It was so inspiring and helped reinforce my attitude about facing critics with understanding, patience and education. I remember one things she said, "If you wrestle with pigs, you get dirty and the pigs like it."

Dear Warren, Yes, you're Warren to me but I like RenRen too. You most definitely have my and I'm sure our support here. You can take that to the bank as an old TV show character used to say. Please keep writing, airing your thoughts, and I hope we can help by providing feedback and listening, I mean that. I'll write more later, Emma

I suggest that you Google for Brynn Tannehill's wonderful speech that she gave last fall to (I can't recall the exact group) a transgender conference. Also, Lynn Conway, who has an excellent website that provides a lot of detail on her transition and past. She's a very well recognized engineer and leader of the development of VLSI chip technology.

I had one friend on Myspace whom inspired me in how she lived her life on her terms, other than that I never really followed any of the known people who are trans. I do applaud those out there publicly that are trans.

Hi Emma & Karen, Thanks for your comments re trans violence, yes it has happened in the UK, but not in the numbers reported on the internet in the USA. We are a smalll country so we can expect fewer instances, not sure if the percentage of total population who are Trans is any different or not though..... With regard to Karens point of no return comments, I have been on oestrogen for two and a half years now, so my equipment is not functioning as a normal males would! GRS? yes please I want it to complete my transition if not for any other reason. I had made the decision to transition many months ago, however the new passport bought back some slight mixed feelings, it was as if it rubber stamped my decision.............. I hope that this explains my feelings and situation.., Eve

She sounds amazing Emma. It sounds like you found a good therapist. Good luck:)

Hi Karen, As I wrote in today's blog post I showed the chart to the therapist with my areas of congruence highlighted. She immediately recognized it as coming from Harry Benjamin's classic "The Transsexual Phenomenon." I had already provided her with fairly detailed email descriptions of me and what I'm going through as well as having attending her support group twice, so she already has a good idea of where I'm coming from. That said, I felt that the highlighted chart provides a helpful communications "yardstick" and confirmed what I'd told her. So it was all good, thank you. Emma

The above advice is sound, and I see that you've already gone for counselling. I'd also add that going to Trans venues can help, not sure where your local ones are but those that I regularly attended in Birmingham UK, helped me a lot, being with a lot of other transgirls sort of normalised my inner feelings, and then allowed me to progress. Best Nursery School ever!

Update: tomorrow I have a private meeting with the therapist who runs the TG Support group I've been attending. She has over 40 years experience with transgender people; I'm very fortunate to have found her and that she's available within about five miles of my home. I've printed out a copy of the table you posted and highlighted the items that are most in agreement with what I am/feel/do to provide her with a quick way to get a more broad sense of what's going on for me.

My guess is this is a gauge for professionals to start with and there is variation to all cells in the chart. Before surgery I classified myself as group 3 but was caught within a hybrid of type 5 and 6, kind of a meld with slight differences. So I would think it is safe to say many will have the same feelings as me, not quite fit one or another but indeed there.

I'd like to add some thoughts but I'd first like to acknowledge that I know you intend for this chart to be helpful and informative. Perhaps it is for those who qualify for the Group 2 and Group 3 classifications. And perhaps too it helps me to see that I am within Group 1. That said, I find myself feeling kind of hurt when I read that one is "true" or not within the confines of those boxes. Maybe it's silly to be feel that way but I do. I don't see myself fully described within any of the columns under Group 1. This doesn't mean I am not "true" anything. I am valid in and of myself. In my career I have often created such charts for marketing, engineering, and customer classifications, to help understanding and management. So I understand that this chart is valuable to therapists and others new or interested in transgender people. At least it gives them a framework to start developing an understanding. But it is the only the tip of the iceberg and I think it's important for future readers to understand that.

Salem, I'd really like to hear more from you at TG Guide. You write with a sensitivity that resonates with me. Thank you! Emma

We need to take care of one another. If we don't who will? No one deserves to die, but I won't sit back and pretend that this senseless death has done any good in the world. With her intelligence, she could have gone on to do great things. She is not my concern at this point, anymore than anyone that I have loved that has moved on. My concern is all of us still here. She matter(ed) and we still matter. We need to take on our 'siblings' and protect each other, but also to hold one another accountable for our actions. If we don't, more good kids will die alone. I wonder if Leelah was crying as she saw the headlights of the semi-tractor. Was she ready? Did she have second thoughts too late? Was she already feeling comitted like she couldn't back out because her letter would post before she could get back to it Did she fear retribution of her family more than she wanted to live? Did pride give way to a straight road to death? There are so many unanswered questions. Things we will never know.. I don't have the answers. I just know we need to love each other, more than we do.

Appreciate your heartfelt response to Leelah. The transgender community needs to stop the self-destructiveness. Suicide is NOT the answer.