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Hello, Sorry I haven't written in a awhile. I've been working a ton, sick some, and trying to enjoy myself as well. I had a situation at work that made me realize that I may not be able to transition at the current job that I have. My manager left the company and there is a little bit of a battle between her and the company which could get a little ugly. Anyways, I ended up being one of the pawns in the fight. Yet at the end of it, I was able to out-fox and out-manuever everyone much more senior than me (without getting into any details). Needless to say, I started to realize that, if I had already transitioned, I don't think I would have been able to do what I did. There are certain privileges that men enjoy. Women who excel, typically have to be so much better than their male counterparts, particularly in a technical environment. So, I will need to put myself in a position that I can do that. Also, I will need to "up-my-game" quite a bit. I am really good at what I do. But I will need to be better, almost perfect. I hate to put that kind of pressure on myself, but I seem to have really good survival instincts. And have a good sixth sense about where I am at. My therapy session last week was good. So much has happened in the last week is a blur that I've forgotten a lot of what we discussed. But, I'm doing better. Not in a rush to transition, but will make a decision soon. I have been giving it a lot of thought what I will need to do. Me being male is an act. Well so will being female. The voice, mannerisms, how I carry myself, etc. Society is so gender binary it drives me nuts. Well everyone have a good week! Hopefully this snow will break at some point. Love, --Lisa

Please allow me to explain what a body map is. Many are familiar with the concept of an amputee having the feeling of where the toes or fingers of their missing limb are, and feeling as if the missing limb is present. When some FTMs stand before the mirror and as they relax, they can see the outline of their male body, such as how tall they are, the thickness of their arms and legs, how broad their chest is, the features of their face and the shape of their privates. They can also tell how muscular they are. Likewise, some MTFs can stand before the mirror, they can sense how tall their female self is, the bone structure of their face, the size of their breasts, etc. In my opinion, this is not the product of fantasy, but the observation of their true gender, just as a person who has lost a limb can not only sense the limb that is not there, but the location and what the limb looks like. Feel strongly this exercise before the full-length mirror, if at all possible, but the bathroom mirror will do; and making every effort to replicate what is seen as the true gender, will create the best closure.

One of my friends on Facebook posted this quote “The question isn’t who’s going to let me; it’s who is going to stop me.” - Ayn Rand I think many feel that they must wait for permission or wish it will happen but the down right truth is you make it happen. Heck I will admit to falling into this mindset in regards to transitioning but for years was the one "who is going to stop me" when it came to teaching specialty classes in self-defense. So it is possible to be of both mindsets and I am sure there are others of similar mindset. Time to take action, don't consider failure as an option but move head first believing what you are after will happen by your hands and mind.

Quite frankly a birthday has never been at the top of my to do list, unless the list is on how to evade a birthday. Today, Thursday 2015-02-26, I turned 35 years old. This Capetonian trans lady sometimes, grabs the bull by its horns, make that balls. And then there are days that started off like today, I cried and just couldnt understand why. Now most of the times when I go through this day, I cant wait for it to be over. Like today, so a normal day that I hate this day. One, I was born in a body I need to alter surgically to feel whole. I started off a fighter and till today, I'm a fighter. I break down, but hormonally a trans person goes through puberty twice. Like the first one wasnt enough. Lucky for me, even in school and before that I was fighting to be the girl. When I was pushed around or pinned down by the boys, because according to them, that was what boys did to girls, I would fight back and somehow get free. Well males that does that to women should rethink the gentleman theory, because they continually acted like overbearing men if not potential rapist. Okay, these fights were always worse when it were my birthdays. Thanks Daddy for teaching me to punch, shoot and drive from some birthdays. He thought girls should be capable of doing things for themselves. I always thought that a birthday signified another year closer to death. Until I saw my teenage body and young face on a 32 year old body. I still hate my birthday, but this factor was removed. I still hate the happenings as a child and teenager. And to explain what happened would be wrong for now, and this is my rumblings around boys and birthdays.

Well said, Karen. So true for pretty much everything in our lives. Emma

Wow, that is good advise!

Karen, thank you so much for the suggestion. I will do that!!! --Lisa

So true in regards to how things happen in the technical field. I think that there are many aspects that can sway things your way. I had a boss for about five years who pulled me aside one day and said "we need to document how important you are here". The reasoning was there was a huge layoff, 200 out of 1000 and much of what I do is sight unseen but critical to daily operations. He wrote up a new job description that I could backup and that also nobody within reason could match the description in a 60 day trial period. We have a process called Bumping where someone being laid off could challenge someone else for their job (yes you can bet it gets ugly). Anyways my point is I worked even harder so that I was visible and known for my work which I believe truly helped with me transitioning. So I agree with many things you mention and by all means read into your post a very intelligent person.

I met privately for an hour yesterday with a therapist who has forty years experience working with gender dysphoric clients; she runs the monthly TG Support group I've been attending. She was wonderful, knowledgeable, and so resourceful. I feel very fortunate for being able to meet with her and felt others here might appreciate my sharing some of the details (that I can recall!) of our meeting. I broke up the points into three sections to make it a little more readable. There is no particular order within each section. General Information There is a biological based theory of gender dysphoria that has had some confirmation with animal testing. It goes like this: there are pulses of hormones in the womb that occur in the second trimester (after sexual organs are defined in the first half of pregnancy) whose timing, intensities and/or durations create the fetus's gender identity in its brain. If those signals are distorted for whatever reason gender dysphoria may result. At this time there is no way to measure these pulses or otherwise test the theory on humans. She felt that this theory seems especially applicable to me, as my mother had many psychological issues of her own (in and out of mental hospitals, major psychiatric medications), eventually ending her life by suicide. Additionally, that I adopted her shame as my own through association. Thus my theory that I developed my gender issue because of envy of girls may be more of a result of a biologically-induced gender issue than its cause. And, inasmuch as it's biologically programmed, there's no "undoing" it; it's an integral part of who I am. It’s quite common for men to feel intense shame about these feelings and find themselves unable to ignore them in mid-life as they more fully grasp that their life is unsettled and/or incomplete and they have limited time to address/explore their gender issues. She doesn’t like to use labels and says that the terms “transgender” and “transsexual” may be going out of favor due the baggage that anything “trans” may carry. She prefers to use “gender concern.” Some men find that while they don’t need to or cannot live dressed as a female (at home, work, or both) that they must wear some female clothing underneath their male clothing or otherwise not be able to remain focused on their work. Examples include: panties, bra, stockings, camisole, etc. Or, they may dress at night and then drive around in their car. Men with a gender issue often experience intense erotic feelings with feminine clothing when younger (teenage) that with time tends to decrease. She had told me previously that contrary to earlier belief that the number of cisgender males and cisgender females having gender issues is heavily weighted toward males, she strongly believes that the ratio of males/females who have gender issues is identical. That said, she acknowledged that women (at least in the US) have much greater latitude of socially acceptable dressing and thus may be able to contend with their masculine desires (such as wearing masculine clothing) without attracting undo attention. I pointed out that a source of uncertainty and frustration for me was that it seems that one's “transgender diagnosis” and location under the umbrella is largely self-determined and that all a therapist like her can do is mentor, consult, provide guidance and so forth. She agreed completely; she cannot tell anyone exactly what’s going on for them nor can she predict the future of where they will end up. Given all of the above I think the intensity of my feelings, need to be accepted for who I am, and emotional reactions to feeling rejected (real or imagined) are very understandable. Specific to Me My struggle with verbally explaining or describing my inner feelings is very understandable; she didn’t have suggestions of other words I might use. (I had thought she might have words that she’d heard from other clients.) She confirmed that my description of being more “emotional” and “sensitive” than a more typical male made sense to her. I described that when I dress in the clothing that I have (e.g., a dress, nightgown, leotard, tights, panties, bra) that it “just feels good” (like when my skirt brushes across my legs when walking) and that I simply go about my otherwise normal existence at home, working at my desk, dealing with our pets, etc. She said this is entirely consistent with her experience. I told her that although the outcome of make-up is appealing the thought of applying it, going through all that, is not. She said let’s face it, most women don’t particularly like doing it either, and women have varying styles. For example, she had a transwoman visit from Las Vegas, wearing alluring clothing and high heels that were appropriate for there but quite unusual for Palo Alto. Likewise, a transwoman from Idaho came wearing a plaid shirt, jeans, and work boots – “right off the farm.” Appropriate for Idaho but equally unusual for Palo Alto! I told her that I don’t have dysphoria with my body; I’ve never felt compelled to chop off my penis for example. Here again, she said that physical dysphoria is also largely a myth; surgery is more for alignment with one’s inherent gender than with revulsion of ones cisgender sexual characteristics. I had printed out the “Sex Orientation Scale” that Karen posted on her blog and highlighted the characteristics that feel most in alignment with me. She immediately recognized the chart from Harry Benjamin’s book “The Transsexual Phenomenon” and showed it to me. All of my highlights are in the in Group 1 “Transvestite” and mostly in the Type I and Type II columns. BTW: she feels that many of Benjamin’s observations and so forth are still valid today, except for the language and terminology. Prior to my current therapist I’d partially come out to two others whom I told that I occasionally crossdressed. They both told me that in and of itself it’s no big deal (sorry, that phrase again). This therapist agreed 100%. And in fact, here’s what’s kind of weird: when I dress at home, like just wearing a dress and underwear, it feels “right,” “good,” but not much more than that. I like it. But when I return (as I must) to Levi’s and a T-shirt, that’s no big deal either. Here again, she said that this is what it is: all very common. It feels good to be dressed at least occasionally (and however partially) as a woman for people like me. Hard (impossible?) to explain: it just does. And to reuse a very tired phrase, if it is what it is, and it seems to be, it really it is what it is. It’s perfectly okay. I’m okay, you’re okay. How about that. Regarding My Wife/Marriage I need to recognize and appreciate that my wife has only become more fully aware of this in the past 2-3 months and that is a very short time; I need to be patient and allow her to come to terms with her own and very valid fears and anxieties. Contrary to an assumption my wife had, I don’t pose/prance in front of the mirror when dressed, admiring myself. In fact, I prefer not to see myself at all although it’s not particularly bothersome if I do. Again, quite a common experience. With my engineer’s mentality I tend to perform thorough analysis, prepare reports, and anticipate that the recipients will appreciate my being so forthcoming and transparent. But as I saw with my wife when I enthusiastically gave her a report a couple of months ago, this was simply too much information too fast. Again, a common enough occurrence. Conclusions: Wow. P.S. For those interested, the therapist’s name is: Judy Van Maasdam, and she can be reached at: jvanmaasdam@gmail.com. Her office is in Palo Alto, California. She gave me permission to publish her name and suggested that those interested email her; you/she can follow up later via the phone as needed.

Dear Lisa, Welcome back! We've missed you. I like what you wrote here but I am always on edge when someone says they need to be "perfect." I can tell from how you write that you know this but please be careful... Perfect is aiming for something that is not only unattainable it's also undefined, and leads to list of stress and worry and fretting. Just be careful, be Lisa (at least inside) and I'm confident you'll be fine. Better than fine, in fact. Hugs, Emma

Emma, Great post. Very helpful. One thing that someone told me is that it is not just our transition is our spouse's. They may see themselves as now being with someone who is a woman, and thus a lesbian. The other point your therapist made about gender concerns being identical between men and women, really makes sense. Thank you so much for sharing so much detail. That is such deeply personal information, I know that everyone here appreciates it. And I hope that anyone thinking of going to therapy with someone who specializes in gender issues, reads this post and does it. I've only been going since November, approximately once a month. But it has helped me tremendously. --Lisa

Emma, I'm so happy for you! At some point, I hope to get my wife to go to therapy with me or one on one as well. It's good to hear that it helped you and your relationship with your wife. --Lisa

One of my old co-workers who retired several years ago wanted to hook up so I said how about lunch. We met at a great Mexican restaurant, ate and spent an hour talking. Then we went across the street to the local mall, hit Starbucks then walked around the mall for about five lapse talking about everything under the sun. Finally say down and chatted some more. She confided with me that she wanted to get together before this but felt like I might take it as her hooking up with me. Of course she is very aware that could not happen. It was great chatting with her and we agreed to get together and go shopping in two weeks. Gave each other hugs and went on our way. Earlier in the day I received a call from my workplace who indicated that my new security ID badge was ready. So I went into work, got the new badge, very exciting to see my picture and Karen Payne below it, think I stared at it forever. On the way out asked a question and was directed to another employee who when done talking commended me on my transition and that her son just "came out" to her and that she accepted him for whom whatever he was. We had a discussion that included my analogy of "frog in the water" and several other recommendations. Have to say that was a very good chat. So now it's that time to dilate, later :-)

Good for you, Karen! I'm having a good day, too. Heading over to a friend's this evening for a monthly dinner.

Week of 2015-01-26 So I thought I posted this, but did not. Don't know what happened. I did talk with my wife last week about having difficultly in not transitioning and being transgender and that I think that I need to transition. I told her that I talked to my therapist about and that she would recommend me, just based on the few sessions I had. She cried and reminded me that she wanted to be married to a man. I cried as well. She said that this would be so hard and how do you plan on doing this without creating tons of problems. And I said that I did not know. But I was planning on resigning from the church vestry if I did transition. And even though I know the church would support and accept me, that I would probably leave because I would not want to rip the church apart. Another question she asked was, "why now?" And I told her I did not know why, but that I think it has to do with me tying my identity to my career / job. My dad dying may have something else to do with it as well. I also told her that, if I did transition, it would not be for 2 to 3 years. I told her that she was all that I have ever wanted that I would continue to work and fight for this family through my transition. And continue to do whatever I had to, in order to support my family. I told her again that I've felt like this my whole life, since being 3 or 4 years old. That there are so many ways that we sin or behave badly, and that in most cases when we are young those things are put on us as youth. But this is the one of those things that society or family did not put on me... it was always there. I didn't know anything about being gender-variant until I was in 5th grade. The next day driving to work in the morning she called me, which she never does. She told me that no matter what I do, that I will support you. For me, that means the whole difference in the world. It is not a promise, because nothing in life is guaranteed. But what it means to me is that she will stand by me and support me through this if I decide to transition or not. Which will make the difference between those who are on the fence or will attack me based on this decision. --Lisa

I truly believe that both of you would greatly benefit from reading the following book. Enter the title into Amazon True Selves: Understanding Transsexualism--For Families, Friends, Coworkers, and Helping Professionals I purchased a copy for work and during a meeting where I announced my transition I said that this book will be on my desk if anyone wanted answers and of course said feel free to chat with me too. Both have happened and from feedback the book helped many come to terms with my transition that were unsure.

Lisa, Yes, sharing your plans with your wife is very important, especially depending on how you want/hope your relationship to evolve. I don't remember the specifics of what you've already discussed but from your most recent writing it sounds like your plans won't be a huge surprise. A piece of advice I heard sounds wise, though: we need to realize that it took us quite a number of years (or decades) to come to terms with our gender; it's understandable that we need to allow our SOs sufficient/significant time to also determine their feelings and needs. I hope you know that we all wish you the very best. Emma

Karen, I am seeing a therapist and talked with her about hormones. She said that she would recommend me for them. I'm thinking that I may need to do it soon. I am not happy, feel like my life is on hold. Plus, I know that it will take time for the hormones and electrolysis / laser so I'd be better off starting now. I don't feel panic'd to transition though. It's more about progress. Am I nearing a goal. Anyways, there are four endocrinologists that I need to research / contact to get the initial blood work. Plus, I still need to talk with my wife. I haven't talked with her about anything tg related in a week and I'm thinking that this just needs to happen. ---Lisa

I agree with Karen completely. I would you think it would be very helpful to review your roadmap with him/her, too. Perhaps post your roadmap here too? I would think that Karen and others would have some very helpful suggestions for you.

Have you talked to a therapist at all? That should be the first step when considering hormones.