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For the past week or so have been doing research on surgeons in my area for performing breast implants and finally found one but they are booked until May for consultations. Went to there office, made the appointment and took home several pages for them like anytime one sees a new doctor. I thought it was interesting but not surprised that surgeons and doctors have a list of people who had surgery recently as after giving the receptionist my name she pulled up my address and phone number. If all goes well hopefully I will have a surgery date before the end of this year which will complete my physical transformation.

I have often heard of people who say they can remember little of their childhoods. Usually, the lack of such memories is associated with some sort of adversity. Or, at least that seems to be the case. I was an army brat. I enjoyed moving around and seeing new places. The draw-back to that is always leaving friends. I used to believe that my brother and I compenstated for that by being each other's best friend. In the past few weeks, new thoughts have come to mind about my childhood. I'm beginning to think that I didn't really have any friends. I don't think moving around had anything to do with it. I don't really remember any so-called "best [girl] friend" until junior high. I do remember being made fun of (by girls), or being left out (by everyone). I remember a few occasions where flat out mean things were done to me. I didn't know why. I'm now wondering if perhaps by junior high I had figured out how I needed to act (like any other girl) in order to fit in. I'm wondering if that is perhaps, at least where I was concerned, why my brother and I were so close. I wonder now, considering my brother has told me that I was more like a brother to him, if I was close with my brother because I didn't have to pretend to be something else, and/or because he accepted me the way I was. It was 9th grade, before I had a "best friend." Until then, I really remember only one girl from when I was in 5th grade, and she wasn't so much a 'best friend' as she was just a good school mate. She was a slight girl, very nervous and flighty. I used to wonder if she was treated right at home. Back then, I didn't know anything about abuse, so I had no words for it. But still I wondered if there was something at home that made her always seem scared. We always rode together on the bus. Somehow, I felt like her protector. I liked her. I think perhaps she was my first crush. However, I did know at that age (or by that age) that I could never tell her I liked her like other boys could tell a girl when they liked them. It occurred to me that I cannot remember any but one birthday [celebration]. Oddly, if my memory is serving me well, it was a birthday party from when I was very little - under six years old. In contrast, I can remember a few of my brother's birthday celebrations. So I know we celebrated birthdays. Was I not happy with how my birthday was being celebrated? Was I unhappy because it was not the birthday of a little boy, and so that unhappiness has caused me to bury those memories? Halloween has been a favourite topic - at least among many here at TGG. The ladies especially enjoy/ed halloween because more often than not, it was the one time that people didn't get all bunched up over a male dressed up as Cinderella or a Go-Go Girl. But, despite the fun of halloween, I can only remember three of them from when I was a kid and one as an adult: 1. one year as Casper the Friendly Ghost, very young; 2. two years as the headless horseman, once in elementary school and again years later; 3. one year as an Indian brave. I was 19 or 20 at the time, but I think I was still at home. Perhaps I remember going out as Casper because, well...he's a boy, though I guess there were girls who dressed up as Casper also - I don't remember. When I went out as the headless horseman, that was an era when people still staunchly applied gender to certain things - it was pretty much assumed that a kid that went trick-or-treating as such a character surely had to be a boy. A girl would not like something so gruesome. Back then, my brother and I were still of an age that my parents would not let us go trick-or-treating alone - my dad always went with us. Because I was the headless horseman, my dad would pretty much have to "steer" me this way and that. It was fun though, because throughout the evening, I constantly heard little girls squealing and shrieks of, "he doesn't have a head!" I dressed again as the headless horseman a few years later because I knew I was more likely to be thought a boy than a girl. The year I dressed as an Indian, my brother and I had gone out for halloween together (I was old enough by then that my parents didn't worry about us being out). No one realized that the Indian brave wasn't really a boy. I do remember a few more Christmases. And while I played the part of the excited child over the gifts I got, I remember a few occasions where I was jealous of what my brother got, but that jealousy never lasted too long because more often than not, my he and I spent more time playing with his toys than mine. But there were times when he and I played with all the stuffed animals and dolls together. Many of the dolls I had, I changed them into boys. I remember when I was very little, I had a cowboy hat, and a gun and holster. I also have an electric train set that I got before age five. I have to believe that I had those things because I wanted them since most parents don't voluntarily go out and by girls cowboy hats and guns and trains. What I don't know is when the time came that either I stopped asking for what would usually be considered boys toys because I thought I shouldn't, or my request for such toys were being denied. Or maybe it was a combination of both. Whatever the case, I remember wishing that I had gotten the same kinds of things like my brother... like skateboards and banana bikes, matchbox cars and jeans. So, I think a person didn't have to suffer physical or mental abuse, or a parent trying to beat the boy (or girl) out of a child. I think unhappiness over not being able to express our true gender can blot out chunks of our memories. But then...what fondness can be had for those memories, so what's the sense in remembering... -Michael

Time Since my "limited coming out" at age 48 in 2005, I've lamented the loss of time more than I ever have. Additionally, it feels like time is flying by, mocking me. I've come to despise "father time" with every fiber of my being. I had big plans back then. Had the beginning of my rightful place in this life all mapped out. Then I discovered that the hellhole I live in doesn't have a gender therapist. There isn't one within a 4 hour drive of me. And my current situation wouldn't exactly support me disappearing a whole day every couple weeks or once a month...whenever appointments would be. Then I lost the support of my mum. After that, it seems like hope took a nose-dive. Recently, I think I've come to a realization why as an adult I've nostalgically looked back on my younger years. Yes, to some degree I believe...as probably many generations do...life was better "back then." people were more trusting of each other. We didn't live in a dog-eat-dog world. People were more social, and friends and co-workers watched your back almost like family. And in most places, the poor guy on the corner with a sign looking for help (only as a last resort) was truly destitute and needing help...and not some damn scam artist. I often enjoy watching old cartoons...as it takes me back to my childhood. I like the old shows like the Andy Griffith Show, The Twilight Zone, and westerns like Rawhide, Wagontrain and Laredo. Of course, some of those shows (like the latter ones in that list) I liked because I wished I was the guys in those shows. I look back both fondly and sadly on those days. Sadly...because of all the things I missed out on. All the things the average boy gets to experience. Back then...while I did play basketball and fast-pitch softball (I prefer to say I played baseball)...I couldn't play them as a boy, I couldn't play on a boys team - that kinda thing just didn't go over back then. While I had several serious crushes on various girls from late elementary clear through high school, I never acted on those feelings - I knew I wasn't gay and I didn't want to be seen as gay. And of course, I knew they weren't gay...so it wouldn't have mattered either way. Missed out on asking a girl to the prom. And since I couldn't do that, naturally...I didn't get to get all decked out in a tux, and pick her up armed with a corsage for her. Didn't get to fall in love with the woman of my dreams and ask her to marry me. Mighta been willing to have kids had I been born with all the right body parts. Mighta been willing to adopt kids if I could have let someone in on my big secret back then and had been able to transition when I was young... back then. Yeah...woulda been nice, I think. Now at 51... I sometimes think to myself, it would be nice to hear someone call me "dad." Now...there is a woman in my life. A woman I want very badly to make my wife. Got a few things in my current life that I need to take care of first, though. But it seems like time is leaving me behind. Sometimes I sit here thinking time is gonna take her away from me before we can even start a life together...or me away from her. Or just not leave me enough time to spend with her once we are together. Sadder yet is the fact that I can't even tell anyone about her since no one knows about the real me. Despite having a woman I love, and who loves me, I still find myself quite often cursing time and age...because I couldn't enjoy life and a wife as a young man. I couldn't be the fiancé instead of the fiancée. I couldn't enjoy all those firsts and all the memories that remain afterward... as a man, with his wife. No first apartment, then first house. No celebrating anniversaries and job promotions. No kids and playing Santa. No enjoying our golden years together, properly aged with a lifetime of cherished moments. No sharing those memories with grandkids. We lose all that never was or could have been. We walk through this life as stoically as we can, keeping our pain to ourselves until we can't take it anymore. When the over-whelming need to be ourselves finally forces us to step forward, those around us wanna give us grief for it. Then, after having lost a lifetime of things missed, some of us lose family, friends, jobs. So then, loneliness can be added to the pain. Thankfully...I don't have to worry about losing a job. Unfortunately...I am fairly sure I will lose all family except my brother. Friends...I can't say I care one way or the other. Over time, they've not turned out to be all that great anyway. I look back nostalgically because it was a time of innocense. There was not the intense pressure yet to play some role. And before puberty...this gender identity thing wasn't quite kickin' my ass the way it did and continued to do afterward. I wish that I could do it all over again. Get another chance to "do it right." I wish I could take what I know now, back in time, do it all over again...and come out as a kid. Or at least much sooner than I finally did, or perhaps not try so hard to fill that damned assigned gender role. I think things might have been a little easier for me if I just had been myself no matter what. And of course, NOT do some of the things I did... like play the part of the "fiancée" and freakin' get married. If it wasn't for the fact that the woman I love, loves me so much, and it would hurt her so badly, and I DO want to be with her... I'd end it...

So I have told family and close friends, some have known for years. Sure that is no secret, I was even called out in public by a resentful X-friend, who had been fine with it at one point, and is again now. However due to some things I keep things quiet and reserved. I recently had a gathering of friends some new some old. It was nice and as the night went on all but one left, it was my wifes friend of 30 plus years. For one reason or another she didn't know, yet. Something came across the TV and the conversation was on, we talked about the issues and other topics that pertained. Then like a slap upside my head, I realized she was unaware of me. WOW.....so I told her. With ease we kept the conversation. Now sure I am getting a ton of questions and so on and so forth.......but I find it wonderful. I say one at a time one a day educate and teach. Also to the friends credit she is awesome and is really wanting to learn more and is wanting to support me in any way she can. True friends are wonderful. Something positive in such trying times.

I wrote this from a comment I made on face book. I have a surreal dream from time to time that increases in detail every time I dream it. I deleted my dream to the public for I feel so strongly about the dream that I do not want to change the destined outcome of it. Surrealistic................................. The comment I had about my dreams is true. I usually do not expose my dreams only to those I feel may play a part in them. I have been very sick with a high fever for days now. I am getting gradually better. With a high fever inner emotions can be revealed. I deleted the dream posting for I believe if by chance you were lucky to have read it. You got a glimpse of something that may happen and I do not want to change destiny. I do not know the time , but I have a very strong feeling of were this will happen. Those of you that are associated with me may know this area............................................................... Ballston.......... I have my reasons for believing this. Paranormal phenomenon is part of our lives. I believe transgender people are what future human beings will become. A selected group within our human adaption have jumped many years ahead in time. Go back to your descendent heritage and you may be able to equate this genetic event . Fanny and Simmone, if you read this posting you both are 2 very good examples of who I am talking about. Living miles apart , both of you are connected by this blessing. Science has no factual clarification to the inner drive that makes us transgender. Yet , there are scientist who do not believe in the paranormal. The transgender movement is happening faster across the world than it ever has. More and more girls are coming out of there shell . I ask '' Is this a destiny of time.'' We as trans girls must push ourselves to be more than a stay at home pin up model or your local gay club attendee. It is a matter of feeling inside that you are deserving in this world. The abnormal in transgender will become a perception in the past................. If you feel you have a gift, then share it. Pamala Flinn Dreams can come true.

Dear Pamala, There are two kinds of dreams. The first, and the most common, are dreams where the body is at rest but the brain is active, sorting out and digesting the daytime activities. The second is spiritual in nature, where the soul is plotting out the future and working on deep understanding. Yours truly, Monica

I love your dream, Pamela. It's exciting and fun to think about. Keep dreaming and let us know more. I also hope you're feeling better.

When I wrote that, I was most likely suffering a round of mild depression, and as is clearly indicated - self pity. I think today is the first time I've read it since it was first posted. Sorta surprised me how raw it sounds - I do not normally open that door. Sorta disappointing that I'm still stirring in that drink. Sorta sad that anyone else feels the same way. We need to push away from the bar.... -Michael

Try to remember that the "good old days" weren't good. Although transgendered people weren't publicly reviled, they were privately reviled. They were sinners and absolutely everyone knew it. They were left alone because no "ordinary" person would admit they could happen in the "perfect" world. Those persons couldn't ever be out even though they already were. They never had the chance we "modern" folks have. Now, there are some conclaves we can resort to. Then, they had nowhere else to be. They were the "black sheep" and the "skeletons in the closet." Frankly, I wish every family would admit to one. Then perhaps the children would realize we aren't so abnormal after all.

I can relate so deeply to so much of what you say. It seems to me it was a different time when we were growing up. It wasn't so easy to find resources or support. In my case, conservative adults in my life would have likely made my life intolerable if I had come out. I was so confused I didn't know what I was anyway. So much of life, I believe, is about self-acceptance and being able to enjoy the things you do have, and those things in turn create the hope that carries you into tomorrow. I'm glad you have someone to share love, and hope.