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This gender therapist is the same one who runs the monthly TG support group I've been attending. We met one-on-one yesterday afternoon for an hour, as I had some more questions for her. The questions and answers below are in no particular order and I hope that others find the information helpful. This therapist has seen over 2,000 gender conflicted clients (MTF and FTM) over forty years so she has a lot of credibility with me. The questions are in violet and answers in black text: I told her that I am often if not always hyper-aware of the social environment around me, how I'm being perceived, what I need to do/say/be to fit in, with anyone, my wife, my sons, and in social/business settings. For example this came up for me in our most recent support group meeting where I felt that I'd had a small (yet significant to me) verbal conflict with one of the TS transwomen in the meeting. First, she was incredulous about my "conflict" as it barely registered with her or, she thinks, anyone in the room. That said, though, she said my monitoring and awareness is classic gender-concerned person behavior, and followed on to say that it's equally rare with people who do not have gender-concerns. One thing that I have been wondering about: I think most would agree that except for a small minority, people are very "binary" in their sex, either male or female. Is the same true for gender or are there an infinite spectrum of genders, perhaps from something like "pure female" to "pure male" (whatever that is). The reason I asked is that at least for now I don't feel a need to transition or publicly present myself as female. In my home I'm finding satisfaction in going about my humdrum activities partially crossdressed. Indeed, she is certain that there is an extremely wide variety of gender feelings and expressions. Even the term "transgender" isn't being accepted so much by younger people these days, who prefer all sorts of labels, including non-gendered, genderqueer, and others I can't recall now. All right, but how much should I (or my wife) concern myself with sliding down a "slippery slope" that inexorably leads to HRT/surgery as I explore my gender feelings and expression? As I mentioned I don't feel compelled to transition now but maybe like a drug once the high diminishes with use might I need more? There is no way to predict the future, of course. She's had plenty of clients who did and did not feel a need to transition and of those who didn't, some later found that they wanted to and others were perfectly content staying where they were. Oh great, I love uncertainty... Might she have some additional "small" steps or actions she would recommend for my journey of exploration? I was thinking that with her experience she might have some real pearls of wisdom... She felt that what I'm doing now, attending her monthly group meeting, seeing my therapist individually and with my wife, and dressing as I feel at home, is all perfectly fine. And, of course, my interactions with friends on TG Guide, too. My take-away from this is that many of us are anxious "to get to the answer" and expedite the process. But hey, we're people, and we need to allow ourselves (and our families) time for those answers (use of plural is intended) to emerge and develop. Regarding shame (which came up as an aside): Here again, many if not most trans people experience intense shame at least at some point in their lives as they perceive their differences from others. And many do not do anything about their feelings until middle age. Amazingly, she's had a large number of clients who had lived with an undefined shame most of their lives and just didn't have any idea what it was about. But gradually, with therapy and introspection, they realized that they are trans. Well, at least that's a bucket that doesn't contain me! I always knew of my envy of girls and things-girly... Are there any demographic commonalities among her trans clients? No, trans people come from all ethnic, social, racial, academic, and careers. There is absolutely no way to demographically categorize trans people. Although I reassure my wife that I am not gay she remains worried. As an example, last week I was looking at an article about rodeos and cowboys in the NYT on my computer. She came in and saw a photo of a young cowboy sleeping almost naked and panicked! She feels that most trans people are heterosexual and remain so (or become, if you will, homosexual after SRS/GCS transition). Understandably, some may experiment with opposite sex partners after transition but here again, most tend to stay with the orientation they had all along. That said, the worry that my wife has is quite common and hard to dissuade. So that's about it. Perhaps you have your own questions you'd like to add in the comments? Or I'll probably return to her in another month or two.' Emma The Photo: No, the photo of elephants being rather personal with each other has nothing to do with this entry. I just like it and decided to post it. I took it in Zimbabwe on the Zambezi River about three years ago. There were about ten elephants crossing the river single-file and these two were really hanging on to each other for dear life. Thank goodness for telephoto lenses! I have to add: later during sunset the guide served us (what else?), Zambezi Beer, to which I assured him Whenever I'm on the Zambezi, I only drink... Zambezi Beer!

I had a good day on Wednesday at work, had a long chat with a female manager who I had a Health & Safety Inspection appointment with, she was very complimentary and understanding of my transition, and we found out that we both had similar political views, whilst walking around her section, I found that they were selling jewellery which were displayed in glass cases. I actually bought a pewter broach, And the manager and her staff were also saying "Oh I like this and that one too" it was almost like shopping! It made me feel so happy, later on I had another inspection to do in the same building, and the assistant manager who accompanied me said that the perfume I was wearing was lovely and enquired what it was, saying it was so fragrant and subtley flowerey, how nice it was to recieve those comments......... My wife and I went to the supermarkets in Redditch with our female friend, and I had a great time with them around the clothing section, bought my wife a new top, and our friend found a purple wrist watch, which really went with my purple gelled nails, purple cross over top, and purple agate jewellery, we then bought three fillet steaks, and various veg and wines to accompany, and had a great evening, but my diet has suffered :-( . never mind I'll try to abstain for the next 2 weeks to make up for it. I hope that this week coming will be as good as the last............ Cheers, Eve

Not sure whether this is the right thing for me to do, to start a Blog. Firstly, I feel that my grasp of the english language is not really very good, and secondly, I tend to lose enthusiasm pretty quickly. I probably could also bore the pants of anyone who decides to read it! Well, If any of you have read my profile, I do reside in the UK. Those of you whom may not of noticed will see that I am of asian origin. In fact my parents are originally from Hong Kong. This is where I am for the next 16 days aswell. I've taken the oportunity to experiment with makeup which is easily available here, but not so readily available in the UK. In my thinking, I've decided to buy Japanese makeup here, as it should suit my asian skin better?? Well thats my excuse for just buying makeup here I guess. I'm really not enjoying myself as much as I should be. I came here with a sore throat, and I'm struggling with it. I've also found out the best way of dispersing people who maybe overcrowding you on the buses or underground. Just have a coughing fit, and watch everyone cover their mouths and walk away from you. They seem to think I have bird flu! Anyway.. enough of my ramblings! A shopping trip awaits me tomorrow morning! Goodnight xx

Karen, I'm very happy for you, your experience pretty much mirrors my own. Cheers, Eve

Hi Emma, I think we all question how we are perceived by others, especially in the early days of transition, I was almost paranoid by worrying about what others thought of me. I think this is normal. Don't expect all TS people to see eye to eye, there are some that I don't get on with either, again this is no different than for anybody else (non trans). It's funny, I didn't think that I'd ever get as far as I have done, wasn't bothered about HRT or GRS at first, so yes it can snowball, it did for me, and incrementally so, plant estrogen followed by self med premarin, followed by GP prescription patches, followed by GIC treatment, and yes I can't wait to get rid of my "junk" to become fully fulfilled as a woman. Also incremental were the changes in my appearance and dress, mostly male at first, femme around the house, then femme at trans events etc, and finally after nearly 3 years full identity change and acquired female gender. However my first friend with whom we came out to each other via his (her?) wife, who initially was far more passable as femme than I was, has not taken it any further than occasionally dressing as female mostly at trans friendly places. So we are all different, and there is no guarantee of what your future holds. Just take it slowly and give your wife time to accept that you are still you, and maybe your appearance is a little different, after all we age don't we?, and that your appearance might or might not change some more. I don't know many transwomen who have got into a serious relationship with men, most that I know are still attracted to women. I hope that this helps you, Eve

I went back to work on Monday and had a pretty good idea how it would be as in acceptance with other co-workers. After four days no surprises, everyone I worked with or came in contact with where fine with me. One women whom I use to work with many years ago, still works there but in another section came over this morning and chatted with me. She was happy for me and said I looked great. Another woman who is in my area but I do not have contact with came over this afternoon and started off with that she was fine with me using the ladies restroom as were everyone she had talked too. She was talking to one female employee who asked her “Who is the new employee” talking about me. Then she said that Kevin Gallagher (me) and Karen Payne (me) could easily be related. That was just too funny. Then she goes on to say that she (me) looks great in skinny jeans, I laughed then before I could say anything the woman talking to me says “I agree” and that you have a great butt and look even better in leggings (which I wore today). There were other conversations that we “glad to see you back Karen”, small chit-chat and that was it. There were a handful who walked right by me and thought they did not approve of what I did but four out of five later came over to my desk and said they did not recognize me while the other I only saw once so unsure of them. So the week has ended on a good note as tomorrow I work at home. I am feeling great now.

Hi Eve, Yes, it definitely and always helps to hear examples of personal experiences. Thank you for your feedback! Emma

Hi Jennilee, No offence to our US cousins, but it's great to hear from some one else in the UK, I hope that you continue to blog, I fear that others might get bored with mine! :-) Cheers, Eve

One of the members here recently was feeling down (I hope that you feel better today:) and discouraged. One of the things was that men are sending her unwanted friend requests and messages on social sites. This is such an annoyance for transgender women and makes us all to aware how we can be objectified as fetish objects by a certain type of guy who don't really see us as real people, let alone women. Sometimes you just get so fed up with it, and at the wrong time, it can really get to you. They all seem to say and ask the same or similar things which can run the spectrum from ignorant, to insulting, to just so creepy that you feel like you need to take a shower after reading them. I'm thinking why not have some fun at these creep's expense. I'm going to list some of the typical things, usually the opening line from a message that I've gotten. Tell me if it sounds familiar and add some of the ones that you've gotten, ok? Of course, I can't include the more X rated comments that I've gotten. 1. You a tranny? 2. I'm curious and want to "try" a tranny, you want to be my first? 3. Do you Skype? 4. Text me. 555 555 5555. 5. Send me pictures. 6. Send me naked pictures. 7. Do you still have "it?" 8. Is 67 too old? (I'm 19) 9. Give me your number. (like I'm going to give a complete stranger my phone#!) 10. Give me your phone number and I'll send you a picture of my..... 11. What are you wearing? 12. Do you have boobs? 13. How big is your.... 14. Hi, do you like me? 15. I'm on he down low, do you want to be my secret thing? (yeah, I want to be somebody's "thing") There are so many more that are probably worse, and many too creepy to say here on tgguide. These are a few that I've heard over and over. On a dating site that I tried recently, some of the user names tell you right up front what these guys are all about. I also can't write most of those here, but for example, how many girls are looking to meet a guy that calls himself "freakdude69?" It can be so frustrating, I so understand why this gets to other girls. At first i was actually a little flattered that guys were (I thought) interested in me, but I got onto what they were about and really got so sick of it. So girls, are there any particularly weird, clumsy, funny or bizarre things that guys have said to you? At least things that you can say here, but nothing to "graphic." Again, I'm leaving out those that are too creepy, sexually graphic or disgusting....which are most of the comments that girls like us get. La la la:))) KML

Hi Jennilee, Good for you to start a blog! And even better, to go shopping in HK. I've been there several times (often to Shenzhen too) and really like it there. Kind of hot and humid in the summer, though. Too bad about your sore throat and cold and hope you feel much better soon. Emma

I found this on You Tube, the poem at the end really blew me away.............. I can't really think of what more to say after that, other than I have troubesome neighbours who want to stare.........they make my heart heavy......... Eve x

Monica, I mean skipping "the talk" by meeting guys that already know that I'm transgender so I won't have to go through it. Like through friends, or guys that know me from the tran-advocacy events that I do sometimes on campus, etc. I have met and dated guys that way and it was so nice not to know that I have to have that awkward discussion. Unfortunately, I haven't met anyone that way lately.

Ladies - Kristila mentioned that a member "was feeling down," and that "one of the things was that men are sending her unwanted friend requests and messages on social sites." I realize [in this case] that the unwanted attention was on another site, but I want to remind all of you, that if you receive unwanted attention here on the forum... please let a moderator know - we can't do anything about a problem if we don't know about it. Since this isn't a social network or site, we don't have to put up with that kind of activity. Unwanted contact, especially if the individual continues after s/he has been either ignored or asked to stop, is not tolerated. -Mike

Kristi, The only way I know to skip the "talk," is to attend gender conferences and try to make as many transgender friends as possible. Have found my beloved at a transgender support group (exploring whether I was transgender myself, which I am not). Having couple friends is one of the best ways to find a well put together partner, whether you are LGBTQ or not, in my opinion. Monica

I've tried a couple of the transgender dating sites and spent a lot of time describing myself, what I like and what I'm looking for. It was like the guys that contacted me didn't even bother to read my profile.. I put 20-25 years old for an age range, but like 90% of the men that i heard from were over 40 and many were in their 60's. I also get the impression that a lot of them thing that because I'm trans, that I'm desperate or something. I just want an easier way to meet guys that know upfront. It would be nice to skip the "talk."

Kristila, I get these comments from men a lot also. Men can be suc h liars . I have gotten about 10 out of the 15 you mentioned . I like the attention sometimes , but men can be over zealous , and sexually fervent. When you think you are starting to like someone then you find out they have been lying to you. I have gotten way better at defining the truth out of admires. I am demi-sexual and just want to make a definite connection with someone.

Dear Friends, Have been accused of being a transgender in an insulting way two years ago on a paid Lesbian dating website (http://www.pinkwink.com). Two years ago, was also on the two big name "free" dating websites, but not a nibble. Gave PinkWink another six month chance recently, but giving it up. However, it is worth a try, when it is only $40.00 a year. Have met on PinkWink a lady who found someone on one of the big name "free" dating websites only ten minutes from where she lived. Notice MANY scammers on the "free" and inexpensive dating websites. Now trying gender conferences to meet that special lady, and if that does not work, going to try "Compatible Companions," put out by the owner of eHarmony, for $240.00 or $250.00 a year (I can't remember which). About people far away making contact: In my case, I exhausted all the women participating from my county, and gradually expanded out. Of course, I am willing to relocate. Have found http://www.TGPersonals.com, which is free, the best of the transgender dating websites, in my opinion. Many of the transwomen there complain of guys trolling there looking for hookups, but I also found many great online friends there among the transwomen! Know that "one is the loneliest number," but being with the wrong person can be a nightmare! Yours truly, Monica

I joined a dating site for fun. My profile says I live in Oregon and the first sentence in "about" indicated I am post-op. I am looking for females only. So I get a message from a man in New York wanting to hook up. Come on, really? I am interested in females, live 3000 miles away, do you really think I will travel to NY for this? Heck no.