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Hi Girls and Boys, In my last entry I told of my excitement of going on holiday to Holland for a week driving with our caravan in tow from Dover to Dunkirk via a ferry. My excitement was fully justified, however dissapointingly no one on the outward journey checked my passport other than the ferry company, but no worry once on the ferry I settled down to reading a new e-book that I recently purchased (Becoming Drusilla - more about this later). No-one stared, no-one said any rude remarks as my innermost self had feared, and why should they, have no-one has in in the UK to date, we disembarked at Dunkirk with myself feeling very happy and drove through northern France, Belgium and into Holland. As we neared the camp-site we saw the magnificent bulb fields with mainly tulips and hyacinths in full bloom, they gave a wonderful striped colourful view of the flat landscape. We shared our section of the campsite with 2 Canadian women (amongst others)who were touring in a German registered motor home, They told my wife that liked to see 2 women camping together! My wife then told them that I am transgender, and they absolutely accepted me as myself as a trans woman, I told them I still needed 'L' plates! When our freinds visited the next day for a BBQ the two Canadian women also came over for dinks, our freinds are a (cis) couple, she's a "Kiwi", and he's a "Cloggie", they're an absolutely fantastic couple, who invited us over to their house in The Hague for an overnight stop. The next day we visited a museum in Harlem in the morning and then drove to The Hague. My wife went out cycling with the the male half and I went shopping with the female half.........great fun, quite unexpectedly she said that getting the foundations right was so important to looking good...........so she bullied me into going for a bra fitting, the net result hasn't produced anything that I didn't know already, but the experience was fun, the Dutch shop assistant was sooo open minded! Bless her. That evening we drank in the beautiful bar that they created in their loft space, it was truly amazing. The next day we visited the Japenese garden, followed by lunch and a visit to the amazing model world exhibition. In the evening we went to an Italian restaurant, where I was always referred to as madam, this was really good! Food was also good too. All too soon it was time to pack up the caravan where I ruined my nails on the caravan awning , oh well camping and long nails don't really mix! After an overnight stop on a Truly awful campsite next door to Dunkirk, we made our way to the ferry port, where my passport was checked more times than I can remember, success at last I thought! It was nice all the same, to be back home in the UK except for the M25 around west London, we got home and eventually had drinks and a roast chicken dinner (UK style of course with lots of gravy!). I'm now back at work and looking forward to our next trip in the South of England in a couple of weeks time. Ok I mentioned the book that I couldn't put down "Becoming Drusilla" by Richard Beard. It's a biography of a MTF transition from the eyes of a close friend who is the author. I was fascinated by the similarities between Drusilla and myself, hands on engineering backgounds etc. At the conclusion of the book I actually cried properly for the first time since transitioning, I felt that I had found some answers to my own questions, and at the same time to find that I am not at all alone in being different to many other "T" girls that I know, both mentally and physically. Drusilla also has a website called Being Drusilla. Well at least I haven't bored you to death with the holiday snaps taken on my new i phone! Cheers, Eve

Good morning everyone! Happy Tuesday! This might be something of a "stream of consciousness" entry, but it's been a few days and I feel like I need to post something. I just had a long weekend, it's the end of the semester here so I took off Friday and Monday. Over the weekend I did an inventory of my wardrobe to see what exactly I need to buy in order to dress properly on a full-time basis. In hindsight I probably didn't need to do that, I basically need more of everything. I'm quite well set for my casual wardrobe, but not so well set for work. But now I have a list in my phone and plan to start correcting that this week (a lunchtime trip to Century 21 for starters!). On Thursday at the Stonewall Girls meetup we met a college student who is doing a paper on transgender issues (she did say exactly what it was, but it was a very academic title and I don't recall now the details). She asked several people if she could do one-on-one interviews, so I did that with her on Saturday. It was rather thorough, and very respectful (the one question she said might be "intrusive" really wasn't at all). The interview was probably as helpful to me as it was to her as she asked about a number of things that gave me something to think about, and I found as I was answering her I remembered things that I hadn't been thinking about recently! So I found it helpful in terms of my own journey. There are still moments when I think "Is this real? Or am I really just a guy and this is just a passing thing?" But more and more as I think that, I have other thoughts that counter it. Most recently was Thursday night with the meetup group (I know I wrote about this already, but it looks like that post was lost to the software upgrade). I've gone to the group before, but this was the first time that I was going as me, and not "me dressed as a woman." It felt good, it felt right. And then last night, I was doing my internship at a theater and had to go en homme - they have a "uniform" and I can't currently do it en femme. I was rather uncomfortable with it. I usually wear a pair of (fake) red-framed glasses (the uniform is red and black), but last night I didn't want to - I felt like they distracted from other things (my new hair style and the mascara that I was wearing). But I also know that this isn't all about how I'm dressing. If it was, then I'd just be cross-dressing. It is true that I prefer (and have always preferred) women's fashion to men's, but the more important thing is that I'm now presenting through wardrobe and accessories how I feel inside. I can also see how to some degree wearing women's clothing is becoming second nature, I don't even notice it at times (except in those moments when I catch a look at myself in the mirror, that sometime still pleasantly surprises me). I'm starting with my new therapist tomorrow, I'm very excited about that! I liked my last therapist, but the new person specializes in gender issues. It's also the first time I'll be seeing a female therapist. Time to get back to work now! xoxo Christie :wub:

That all sounds so wonderful! Both the travel and the response you got!

Hi Christie, So glad you are writing this, it very much reminds me of my own recent experiences, even though they are relatively recent, they now seem far off. I also had feelings of being male the female just like the tide ebbing and flooding, but the male feelings (which also gave uncertainty) started to get fewer and further between. Are you on hormones and anti-androgens yet? I found that after 2 years of oestrogen it was a slow and gradual process of riding myself of the alternating male and female feelings, after starting anti-androgens the process has quickened quite markedly and I no longer have any male feelings, and I feel totally normal as Eve, I also like the way my female identity has grown with my preferring to express myself as a female professional with an smart office look rather than the overtly girlish leather minis, and boots that I started out with 3 years ago. Good luck with your shopping, but remember the little signifiers such as jewllery, they make such a difference. Pearls never seem to go out of fashion and give such an up-market look ,when worn with classy clothes, and a nice perfume such as Giorgio (the yellow one!). Cheers and hugs, Eve

I like the analogy of this journey parallel to a ride on a train but for many it's a rollercoaster in that there are many ups and downs along the way, when there is a down pick yourself up and make that low into a high. This journey is never ending as I see it but at some point things will flatten out and become a new norm which you may not recognize as what happen in my case. If possible don't dwell on the negative but how you can turn the negative into a learning experience and be better equipped to deal with it if this happens again. Try and meet each and every day with a smile, smiling is contagious which can turn negative thoughts of others into positive thoughts which will come back you way a hundred fold and smiling is a freebie.

Christie and Emma, All aboard on the TG train! Seriously, in my opinion, trying to decide on gender and sexual orientation, or sexual orientation BEFORE gender, is confusing. It is best to find your true gender (internal gender), THEN sexual orientation, IN REFERENCE to the true gender, to know sexual orientation. Just as an adolescent experimenting with sexuality does not reflect on true sexual orientation (exploring homosexuality does not make him or her a homosexual, for example), when one first transitions, just like an adolescent, the person may explore different sexual orientations, before finding the sexual orientation that is right for him or her. Changing your mind on your sexual orientation does not make you a liar . . . as we all are a work in progress . . . Monica

Hi Christie, All of your fears are perfectly normal and understandable. And I can add #4! The fear that, after doing all this, going through so much, that you actually DO go back, retreat. But here's the thing: I don't know you well, of course, but I really doubt that you will go back, at least not all the way. Yes, you may find that you actually want to live an "agender" life. And that's okay. Or maybe settle on one side or the other and move back and forth a little (bigender). Whenever. If you had not done what your are doing you would never really know what is right for you. And, let's face it, none of this is static. Your feelings about what you need may evolve over your future years. That's okay too. Thank goodness you have a good and protected job. Also, I keep reading about how younger people are much more open and accepting of everyone under the TG umbrella. So you have that going for you too. Remember this, please: my gender therapist says that the journey is like riding a train, and there are many stations you can visit along the TG tracks. From time to time we get off the train to explore an area, and sometimes we stay. Other times we get back on and go further, and sometimes we take the train back a station or several. It's all okay on the TG Train! Hugs, Emma