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Good morning everyone! I started with my new therapist yesterday. My former therapist dropped out of my insurance network so I had to change. The timing worked out quite well though, I was able to look for a therapist who works extensively with gender identity issues. Going in I wasn't that sure how experienced she was (the Psychology Today website said that she has transsexual clients, but for all I knew that could have meant 2 or 3). As soon as we met I felt very comfortable with her, and during the course of the first session she made me feel more and more comfortable. She seems very well versed in the various issues around transitioning, and the complexity of what it means to transition. She also asked me early on if I have pronoun preferences (which in hindsight seemed interesting, after all, in a one-on-one conversation with therapy is, how often do pronouns come up?). She also asked me which name I'd prefer to use. At first I went with my male name, most likely because out of necessity I was presenting more male at the time, but then I switched it to my female (REAL) name. So between her, my friends, and the wonderful people on this website I feel like I have a great support system in place as I proceed along this journey (perhaps even family will join the group at some point, anything is possible). xoxo Christie

Thank you both for your comments :-) When I use "cross-dressing" now I'm only referring to the time when I was dressing as a woman before "coming out" as TG. It is true of course that I was TG even before coming out, so it really wasn't cross-dressing even then, but it's an easy way to distinguish those time periods and the mental state that I was in during both (feeling like a man dressing as a woman vs just being dressed). I am getting more and more stressed that I still at times have to dress male - my current wardrobe isn't sufficient yet to go all female, and money is a little tight (though now that taxes are done I'll start having some room, and I'm getting a better idea of things that I need sooner). I haven't started hormones yet. I start with a new gender therapist today, so I am going to raise that, to at least start discussing it. Then I assume I'll need to see my regular doctor to talk about it with him as well (I've been going to him for a long time now, so I'm comfortable with how he'll be about this). One thing I can't seem to find anywhere is exactly how hormones are taken? Do you have to keep using them periodically for some amount of time? (I assume yes, I just don't know how often and for how long) Jewelry is my "project" for this weekend. I have some that I've assembled specifically for doing drag, but I'm going to look through it all to see what I can incorporate now. XOXO Christie

I had blood work done on Wednesday to make sure that my potassium levels were not too high on the Spiro. Those tests came out normal, which was good. I am hoping that means that I will get a prescription for Estrogen at my followup appt on May 13. I had a one hour electrolysis appointment on Thurs. It went really well. The electrologist flew and was able to clear a significant amount of hairs around my lips and chin. My blood pressure is normal, I still have bouts of anxiety so I need to start to take something for that soon. I had long conversations with my wife, mom and sister this week. My mom is having a hard time understanding why I need to do this. It certainly was not my first option, lol! The way I described it to my mom is that I had developed ways to cope with my male gender over the years. This included repressing a lot of things. Once I stop repressing memories and feelings, and the repression was stripped away, I could no longer cope. Everything that I had tried in the past which used to work, does not work anymore. I told my mom not to worry about me, that I have really good survival instincts. I am under no illusion about how tough this road is that I will travel. Yet, I will not let people treat me poorly or be disrespectful. Changing gender is taboo and challenges cultural norms. But, really, when you think about it, why is changing one's gender such a big deal? It is a personal choice that impacts no one, except those who are sensitive and/or judgmental. But there is nothing that can be done about this. I hope everyone has had a good week. Be happy, be well and be safe!! Love, Lisa

Hi Girls and Boys, In my last entry I told of my excitement of going on holiday to Holland for a week driving with our caravan in tow from Dover to Dunkirk via a ferry. My excitement was fully justified, however dissapointingly no one on the outward journey checked my passport other than the ferry company, but no worry once on the ferry I settled down to reading a new e-book that I recently purchased (Becoming Drusilla - more about this later). No-one stared, no-one said any rude remarks as my innermost self had feared, and why should they, have no-one has in in the UK to date, we disembarked at Dunkirk with myself feeling very happy and drove through northern France, Belgium and into Holland. As we neared the camp-site we saw the magnificent bulb fields with mainly tulips and hyacinths in full bloom, they gave a wonderful striped colourful view of the flat landscape. We shared our section of the campsite with 2 Canadian women (amongst others)who were touring in a German registered motor home, They told my wife that liked to see 2 women camping together! My wife then told them that I am transgender, and they absolutely accepted me as myself as a trans woman, I told them I still needed 'L' plates! When our freinds visited the next day for a BBQ the two Canadian women also came over for dinks, our freinds are a (cis) couple, she's a "Kiwi", and he's a "Cloggie", they're an absolutely fantastic couple, who invited us over to their house in The Hague for an overnight stop. The next day we visited a museum in Harlem in the morning and then drove to The Hague. My wife went out cycling with the the male half and I went shopping with the female half.........great fun, quite unexpectedly she said that getting the foundations right was so important to looking good...........so she bullied me into going for a bra fitting, the net result hasn't produced anything that I didn't know already, but the experience was fun, the Dutch shop assistant was sooo open minded! Bless her. That evening we drank in the beautiful bar that they created in their loft space, it was truly amazing. The next day we visited the Japenese garden, followed by lunch and a visit to the amazing model world exhibition. In the evening we went to an Italian restaurant, where I was always referred to as madam, this was really good! Food was also good too. All too soon it was time to pack up the caravan where I ruined my nails on the caravan awning , oh well camping and long nails don't really mix! After an overnight stop on a Truly awful campsite next door to Dunkirk, we made our way to the ferry port, where my passport was checked more times than I can remember, success at last I thought! It was nice all the same, to be back home in the UK except for the M25 around west London, we got home and eventually had drinks and a roast chicken dinner (UK style of course with lots of gravy!). I'm now back at work and looking forward to our next trip in the South of England in a couple of weeks time. Ok I mentioned the book that I couldn't put down "Becoming Drusilla" by Richard Beard. It's a biography of a MTF transition from the eyes of a close friend who is the author. I was fascinated by the similarities between Drusilla and myself, hands on engineering backgounds etc. At the conclusion of the book I actually cried properly for the first time since transitioning, I felt that I had found some answers to my own questions, and at the same time to find that I am not at all alone in being different to many other "T" girls that I know, both mentally and physically. Drusilla also has a website called Being Drusilla. Well at least I haven't bored you to death with the holiday snaps taken on my new i phone! Cheers, Eve

Although I had been masculine for most of my adult years, I have been officially out to my family since Jan. 2010 and I have been on testosterone for close to three years. I put off my transition because I didn't think I would have a family if I did. After many of my mom's abusive comments towards me, I finally said, "screw this" and started it. I was right. Our relationship was pretty non-existent, and when I thought I would try to rekindle a familial dynamic again, my mom plain refused to acknowledge my identity, referring to me with female pronouns even though my voice was deep and had facial hair. The day after the Bruce Jenner interview, I ended up seeing her for a family function. She has watched 20/20 and Dateline and like shows for years, so I assumed she saw it, but didn't bring it up. Later in the afternoon, she asked if I watched it. It sparked about a 3 hour conversation, one which I feel was long overdue. Nothing negative was said. It was all positive. She even cried. I don't know if the tears were the realization that being trans is real, and she reflected on the things she's said and the way she treated me in the past, or something else, but I don't care. She actually showed an emotion instead of hiding it and hurting people. At this moment, I feel like she is now supportive, and this is something I have NEVER had from her. Thanks Bruce Jenner for sharing your story.

Go for it Christie, be yourself! By now you'll realise that I also despised dressing up as a male! Hugs, Eve

Eve, Please do not get "L plates" on your cars, as my partner and I, as well as other Lesbians, have had their cars vandalized over it. Glad to see that you enjoyed your vacation! Monica

That all sounds so wonderful! Both the travel and the response you got!

Hi Christie, So glad you are writing this, it very much reminds me of my own recent experiences, even though they are relatively recent, they now seem far off. I also had feelings of being male the female just like the tide ebbing and flooding, but the male feelings (which also gave uncertainty) started to get fewer and further between. Are you on hormones and anti-androgens yet? I found that after 2 years of oestrogen it was a slow and gradual process of riding myself of the alternating male and female feelings, after starting anti-androgens the process has quickened quite markedly and I no longer have any male feelings, and I feel totally normal as Eve, I also like the way my female identity has grown with my preferring to express myself as a female professional with an smart office look rather than the overtly girlish leather minis, and boots that I started out with 3 years ago. Good luck with your shopping, but remember the little signifiers such as jewllery, they make such a difference. Pearls never seem to go out of fashion and give such an up-market look ,when worn with classy clothes, and a nice perfume such as Giorgio (the yellow one!). Cheers and hugs, Eve

Aw you poor, poor thing! I'm very happy that your wife was there to give you the cuddle you needed at the end. Someone just to hold you so it doesn't feel like your about to cry your own soul out. I empathise totally and I'm really glad someone was there for you : ) : )

You need to take the time and financial resources required to get through this. And that is how you can explain it to your wife. This process is difficult for everyone. Many times our loved ones feel like we are being selfish because we are dragging them through this. Also, if your spouse has never had to support herself or family or has tremendous fear of change, there is a lot of anxiety and anger, because the peaceful life is being disrupted. In my case, I've sacrificed my life for others my entire life and have slaved for my family so that they are well taken care of. So, being trans* is extremely upsetting because now I am the one with problems and am not the solid, strong person taking the lead. So it has been really difficult for me to even go to therapy, because I feel like I am taking money from the family. But I realized eventually that I need to be good to myself, otherwise I am good to no one. Particularly if I have a mental breakdown. How will I go to work?