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While I was sitting at home-.. Enjoying a cup of coffee and having an online conversation with a friend of mine who're also a transgender person. Just chatting about clothes, make-up and everything between heaven and earth, suddenly like a lightning struck my mind is filled with doubt. Am I really a girl deep inside? Am I just having a gender identifying crises? Can I really live with myself if I start my transformation? Or am I just going crazy? Most of the time I feel confident that I was supposed to be a girl, other times the thought makes me sick.. And then I can't help to wonder-.. Am I really a girl? Reason why I don't think I'm a girl: 1. I was born and raised as a boy, and never thought too much about my gender. 2. I lived my teenage years hanging with mostly boys, acting boysih. 3. I am a cold person, and I am not so much in contact with my feelings. ( Or atleast I want to believe that.) 4. I keep getting these huge doubt/guilty feelings once in a while. 5. I have not, and do not act "Girlish". Reason I am a girl: 1. It feels right when the doubt or guilt don't strike me. 2. I've never been interested in most boy stuff, football, cars, sports generaly. 3. I do remember some incidence from my childhood, and teenage years where I asked myself ( Why am I not a girl?) 4. I love girls clothing I feel like a huge weight disappears from my shoulders when I wear girl's clothing 6. I have always felt more comfortable being with girls. 7. I view myself as a girl in my mind, when I think forward, I see myself as a girl. 8. The thought of being a girl makes me happy. 9. I like to believe my mind IS a girls. AND THIS IS WHY I AM CONFUSED. I don't want to be a boy, but I feel sick every time I start to think about taken the next "step", confronting my family.. It all makes it seem to much easier to just-.. Keep being a boy.. Since I lived twenty years as a boy. It'd save me a lot of pressure, confronting.. But it also makes me sad thinking about not pursuing my dream.. I couldn't think of anything else that would make me as happy, as finally living in the big city.. As a girl. But yet I have these thoughts of remorse. And why do I have them, they're stupid, annoying and useless as ****.. But Yet they keep coming up.. I keep wondering if I'm trying to force myself into being a girl, but in reality I'm just a very confused boy? I didn't grow up as a girl, frankly if I ever said I wanted a dress I'm sure my dad would have beated me half dead. I never knew you could become a girl, I had the thought, but I didn't pursue it, and I didn't question my gender. I was born a boy, so I must be a boy? Writing this helped a bit-.. I'm very confused once this feeling of guilt and doubt hits me. Have a great day

Also, you don't have to settle for being either a boy or a girl. You are no less transgender, no less human, and no less valid if at times you feel male or female, both or neither, all of these positions are valid and true expressions of transgender identity. And if you feel 100% girl, then that's who you are and that's fine too. Love Charl -o0o-

Crissiesan, you are far from being alone with these feelings, many of us have and will deny them but if you are destined to be female then as you get older these feelings will become stronger and as with many undeniable but of course this may simply be a desire to dress in the opposite gender which may very well feel like you should be female. The only true way to find out if you are transgender, crossdresser or (let's call it confused) a false/positive where false/positive means you think you should be female be don't fit into the need to transition nor dress in the opposite gender. So this is the task of a therapist who is well versed with gender dysphoria. Gender dysphoria can simply be that a mother was dominate in the household or that one played more with the other gender, I am not a therapist so these are only educated guesses. Without a therapist many go down a dark road that leads to nothing good and can very well cause a train wreck. Best to find out now and learn what the steps are to move forward.

My Dear Friends, When I learned about demisexuality, (here at TGGuide!), I was really excited because it described me to a 'T'! Demisexuality, in my opinion, is not about sexual orientation, but about a person's APPROACH to sexuality, no matter what their sexual orientation is. It is "one step up" from asexuality, in that a demisexual is not easily aroused, because it takes time for the demisexual to get to know the person before becoming aroused. A demisexual is defined by a person who is sexually attracted by a person's character or interior, rather than their exterior, or looks. In my opinion, a demisexual can be Straight or TLGB. Ideally, a demisexual would be attracted to another demisexual, as they would more likely resonate with one another. Consider myself a demisexual, as I always took my time to get to know a person before becoming involved with them. My friends would jokingly say that I was "slow as molasses," and that by the time I decided I liked a girl, that she would think I was not interested, and be long gone by the time I share with her that I was interested in getting to know her better! Have passed up many a beautiful woman (not that they would be interested in me!) because I did not resonate with her heart. Found true love with another demisexual, a beautiful, brilliant Lesbian transwoman who was a scientist. We were friends for two years and even "hung out" together, before dating. On my side, I thought that such a beautiful woman would never be interested in a woman that looked like me, and such a brilliant woman as her would not be interested in an intelligent, but not brilliant, woman as me. She was a scientist and I was a human rights/civic activist. She read Scientific American and I read a wide variety of magazines and newspapers. She had a laser intellect and I had broad interests. Thankfully, she never humiliated me with her great intellect. She was a truly humble woman. We complimented each other very well. Recently, while Spring cleaning, I discovered her address and telephone number. Called her and found her she was still the beautiful woman (inside and out) that I always loved, but now is happily involved with someone else. Am very happy for her. Two excellent websites about demisexuality: http://www.lonerwolf.com/are-you-demisexual/ http://www.demisexuality.org/whatisdemisexuality.html Some say being a "romantic," is a sexual orientation, but I think that is a way of showing love that could apply to ALL sexual orientations and ALL approaches to sexuality. In my opinion, I think I am a "romantic," because I love celebrating the holidays, especially Thanksgiving, Christmas and Easter, and I never forget birthdays and anniversaries. Know many people of different sexual orientations who are the same way. In short, I am a hopeless romantic! A great big "thank you," to my beloved, who showed me that I have a lot of live to give to my lady, no matter what I may want to call it! Monica

About two years ago my best friend while out shopping with me purchased several pairs of Calvin Klein thongs then presented them to me when we returned to her home. I was both happy and sad, happy because I knew they would be worn at least once to celebrate while sad because it would be two years until they could be worn. Two years is a long time and the thongs ended up in storage which I just found this week and thought it would be great to try them on which I did and love them. Okay then I thought that I will need pantie liners and don’t remember seeing them in my local grocery store but went back and sure enough they do have them. So for the past several days I have been in thong heaven. Went out today to Victoria’s Secrets and hunted for thongs but I don’t believe it, I did not like any of them accept of course the ones that were too large (I wear size small). Off to Macy’s and they not only had what I wanted and better quality but were three dollars cheaper woohoo. So what is the big deal about thongs, by themselves absolutely nothing by themselves but just another point in fact that I am female (hear me roar lol). I think that many who are on the path of transitioning to that gender, in this case, female sometimes look at the big picture and forget about the small things which in this case is clothing but is also about their environment and how (at least for me) overtime one can look back and see a trail of breadcrumbs that make up the total package of the new you. These little things that make up the package range from people opening doors to men flirting with you. A good example, I went to the mall and while waiting for my friend I sat down and was on my phone checking out Facebook and the man next to me turned and said, nice nails which was his opening to check me out. Yes I am into females which is not the point here. The point is that after two years of being out and three months post-op (and hormones) I truly act and react as a female. These things only come from being out in the real world, interacting with real people rather than sitting a home dressed. Now I am not saying someone who is not planning on transitioning should get out into the real world but those who are indeed moving towards GRS (Gender Reassignment Surgery). This is why part of the requirement is to live in the gender you are moving towards. Heck I never realized thinking back how challenging it can be to live every second of my life as female and would think most can’t fathom what it is like until you actually do it. So the thongs may seem like a small and insignificant thing but it depends on how you look at the big picture and then dissect what makes up the larger picture kind of like a jigsaw puzzle. This is what I am into for what it's worth in thongs in black, red and while. My friend gave me one in yellow but I am not into yellow for undies.

Woohoo, that is wonderful, what a year you had

Christie, and Emma , I am so very grateful I did get to hear those wonderful word "oh sound like you may be transgender" As I too lived in total shame. Along with self loathing and hated and many other negative thoughts, before I heard those beautiful words. I just wish I could of heard them at age 24 , instead of 54 . None the less I will take it, better late than never. As I am alive for the first time in my life, feeling better than I ever have in my life. And I feel this good and I've not even started HRT yet!! Hugs, Dawn

Hi Karen, Strangly enough I wear thongs most of the time and I am still waiting for GRS, I find that getting them in slightly smaller size helps me to tuck my junk a lot better, and also I find them very comfortable. I suspect that they'll be a whole lot more comfortable post GRS............ Yes, getting called madam and ladies is quite commonplace now, and when I'm out I'm out and about I don't really think about passing, I'm too busy being me. Cheers Eve

Hahaha! Reminds me of the time when I was just out of college. My roommate and I decided to see what it was like to have a "wine tasting" party. We bought several bottles of different wines, invited friends over (also about 23-24 years old) and the party ended up with us figuring out who could spit the corks the farthest in the room! Ah, those were the fun days... Emma

Hi Monica, I sense some deep sadness in your entry. Don't knock yourself down, I'm sure many people would be interested in you. I know, that's fine for me to say that, because I also do the same sort of self deprecating things, you might see that in my latest blog entry ,specifically to do with mental capacity................... Whatever my shortcomings and I'm sure I have many, such as I'll never have a shapely body with such broad shoulders and narrow hips, I'm old, I'm not good looking and cute, my voice is terrible and will never be very femme, not well off financially et al, others still like & love me. Point is, if I can overcome all that crap, you can too. A persons inner self which I think used to be referred to as their persona will always shine out, and ok you refer to it as demisexuality, but if you really like some one, and they really like you, the sex bit will likely arrive at some point later. To my mind anything else is shallow, and to an extent false. Second point is that your persona does shine out girl, hold on to it it's great.......... Cheers, Eve x

Monica, thats very humourous, I was thinking of having them pinned to my dress as a person learning to be a woman....................... Eve x

Although I had been masculine for most of my adult years, I have been officially out to my family since Jan. 2010 and I have been on testosterone for close to three years. I put off my transition because I didn't think I would have a family if I did. After many of my mom's abusive comments towards me, I finally said, "screw this" and started it. I was right. Our relationship was pretty non-existent, and when I thought I would try to rekindle a familial dynamic again, my mom plain refused to acknowledge my identity, referring to me with female pronouns even though my voice was deep and had facial hair. The day after the Bruce Jenner interview, I ended up seeing her for a family function. She has watched 20/20 and Dateline and like shows for years, so I assumed she saw it, but didn't bring it up. Later in the afternoon, she asked if I watched it. It sparked about a 3 hour conversation, one which I feel was long overdue. Nothing negative was said. It was all positive. She even cried. I don't know if the tears were the realization that being trans is real, and she reflected on the things she's said and the way she treated me in the past, or something else, but I don't care. She actually showed an emotion instead of hiding it and hurting people. At this moment, I feel like she is now supportive, and this is something I have NEVER had from her. Thanks Bruce Jenner for sharing your story.

Dear Brigsby, i agree with you. I've heard many complaints about the Bruce Jenner interview. "Bruce should have said." "Diane Sawyer wasn't as respectful as she could have been." Blah! 17 million people watched that show and indeed, they kept emphasizing very important points, such as gender dysphoria doesn't equate to sexual desire, and so forth. i think the interview was Fantastic on many levels and I'm very happy that Bruce did it (imagine the courage THAT took) and that Diane Sawyer was the interviewer. I loved every minute of it. Emma

Hi Eve, it all sounds great except... the roast chicken "UK style with lots of gravy." I'm sorry but you need to come visit us here at my house! No gravy except for Thanksgiving dinner here!!! I hope you know I'm just kidding... I'm very happy you had a nice vacation. It sounds like a blast! Emma

Dawn, What a wonderful year! Like Emma I wish I had a therapist say that to me at some point - but once I said it to myself I experienced the same general feeling, really almost immediate elation. I haven't stopped anti-depressants yet, but probably soon. I look forward to hearing about your ongoing progress xoxo Christie

Dear Dawn, I love your post; it really speaks to me. I wonder what my life might have been like if a therapist had said those words to me, too. I was so ashamed of my feelings for so many decades... I was even afraid to admit my feelings to a therapist! Which seems stupid now, but my shame was in control. No more, no more. Anyway, you deserve such accolades for what you have accomplished. Good for you. I hope we hear from you more often! hugs, Emma