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I cant help but feel slightly offbalanced knowing that I haven’t posted a blog in a while, and that my last blog was rather…eh, how to put it…..rabid? Furious? Either way, I’m not entirely proud of it and I apologize for the negative ranting that you all so lovingly put up with. Sometimes we just got to get it out of our systems I guess. No worries though, today’s is less snapping teeth and clenched fists. Today is sort of just a wander around and poking at flowers while caving in anthills type of blog. So, I did meet with my doctor for my last insurance-covered visit, just to get an update on meds and whatnot. So since around this time last year I have officially lost aprox’ 30pnds. Either from feeling more myself with the transition, maybe depression meds, or maybe it was just gonna happen anyway; either way I’m glad for it. Though I don’t feel like I have more energy, and my fight with clothing still persists, I do feel slightly better knowing I weigh a bit less. Aside from the rather lose and baggy skin left over, I’m a little happier with my body. I cannot credit it to workouts, however, because I’ve honestly not done enough of it to even consider it being a contribute to the weight loss. It’s too hard to breathe and function during workouts with such a heavy bust, and I applaude any woman who can do it comfortably. In other news, my neighbor/mom/gramma (she hasn’t decided which she likes best lol, SUPER supportive of my transgender awesomeness) has hooked me up over facebook with her friend Alan, who apparently is HUGE into LGBTQI rights(apparently the new LGBT) and is a CEO or something for some big company. Apparently he wants to talk to me about my transgenderness and the surgery thing and whatnot. Naturally I’m nervous as hell to talk to him, and not sure what to expect out of all of this. But hell, its worth a shot right? You never know. Ive joined a few groups on facebook for a little boost of support and know-how, such as a Pansexual group and a few transgender groups. It’s rather uplifting to talk to other ‘uniques’ such as myself, and I’m proud to be a confident panda (pansexual. We have a nickname! Schweet!) And although I cannot rule out thoughts of self harm now and again, I am a little proud to say that I am 100% healed and haven’t harmed since I quit my job. So that’s good I guess. Naturally I still have thoughts and such, but so far with the help of my sister (not biological but I’ll be damned if she aint my sister!) Destinee, I’ve been able to withhold these urges and stay clean of it. I slowly got more into photography again, though its only here and there, because the bugs in my area are HORRIBLE and I hate going outside with these little bastards and getting eaten alive. But I have noticed that my area of interest has been the sky, and I rather enjoy “screenshooting” the clouds. I’ll post some pics with this blog to show some, from the most recent thunderstorm in my area. Other than that, there isn’t much to talk about in this blog, as nothing has been too awfully exciting lately. Although my little sister/bro (theyre still figuring out, but may be gender fluid, which is totally fine with me) is coming down this week (after a frustrating debate with my mother on letting them come down -_-) for my birthday My birthday is May 22nd, so this Friday, and I’m turning 23 I’m taking my lil punk to the hair salon, and the both of us are gonna get cuts and they might bleach theirs. I don’t think I’ll bleach mine but am looking into dying it dark blue just for something different! Then, hopefully, the plum island beach on Saturday! So excited! I’m an ocean-aholic……. Sending you more pics soon, Warren

Good morning everyone, Before I get to the main point, I have an anecdote from last week (I share this with a couple of people already) - I was going to be hanging out with my friend Mindy on Friday night, so at lunchtime I went to get some wine (to go with the nachos we were planning). When I was at the store I heard the clerk say to me (I wasn't facing him at that moment, but I was the only customer in the store), "If you need any help maam just ask." I woke up ridiculously early today suddenly filled with doubts. It was bad enough that I wished I could just get up and go to the gym (unfortunately, or fortunately, the gym wasn't going to be open for another hour). This may have been triggered by a diary entry I did last night in which I decided I should actually look head-on at the things that I fear about transitioning. It was a little comforting when i did it (putting things concretely on paper almost always makes them seem more manageable), but I clearly put the ideas in my head, and upon waking they were bad again. So what do I fear? Undoubtedly nothing that almost everyone else hasn't thought of, but here is my list: *What if I need to find a new job, how easy or hard will it be? *Will I be able to find a relationship? *Will my friendships really stay as strong as they are with the "new reality" (this one assumes full transition to female, anything short of that won't endanger any of my current friendships) *Will I face other forms of discrimination, and even violence? *Are there a bunch of things I'm not even thinking of? *Can I even afford it? *What if it wasn't the right choice? Now some counterpoints (the thoughts that kept me moving this morning): Job - my current job is pretty secure, and my employer is very good as far as non-discrimination, so hopefully finding a new job isn't a near-term issue Relationship - I haven't had a serious relationship in about 15 years, so not being able to find one as a woman wouldn't be any worse, and if I'm finally being true to myself it might be easier Friends - yes, my friendships will change, but they'll stay stronger (I can already see a couple of my friendships getting stronger!) Discrimination - no real counter to this, it's tragic, but it happens and I'd have to deal with it then Things I'm not thinking of - probably, but that's why I keep reading blog and forum entries here, and why I'm going to start going to a local support group Cost - I either can or I can't, but I have to do as much as I can Right choice - no matter how bad I felt having doubts this morning, I felt even worse when i thought about going back. I still don't know how far I'll go, but there is work to do. Which brings me back to the "maam" anecdote at the beginning. If I have doubts I just need to remember how good it felt to hear that xoxo Christie

I at no time in my life contemplated suicide which I have learned recently through more than one source (on example came from a video I mention here) that 41 percent of people going under the knife will attempt suicide. Never would I had thought that there were many who actually regretted going under the knife as told in this web site. I would think that one reason for this is that a person with regret may very well had a ill equipped therapist that was not qualified to access transgender (or maybe they are not transgender at all) to be a candidate for gender reassignment surgery. Perhaps another reason might be that the person seeking gender reassignment surgery was able to fool a therapist into a diagnosing them as suitable candidates for gender reassignment surgery. Thinking about it I can see that it would be easy to get away with fooling a therapist but wonder what those people think will happen by doing this? When I made the commitment to change gender I first spent time sitting alone questioning myself, self-evaluating myself to no end until I thought back that there were no in decisions, it was not about having sex as a female and knew full well this could very well be an journey that might spiral out of control with no return ticket to reverse the process. As stated in the letter of consent just prior to surgery the signature I penned says this is irreversible, no going back. For me, this was the green light I was looking for while others who realize after the fact they must of had blinders on. Was there do diligence done as I did? Bottom line is gender reassignment surgery is not for everyone even though some go to bed at night wishing they would wake up in the gender they believe they should had been at birth but were denied. There is a reason why there are classifications such as in the image below that a truly qualified therapist will classify a client in and not just mark them all as a true transsexual. You would think that after spending one year in the gender you think you should be that with every day that passes you would know if you can make it in that gender. One has that entire year to forge forward or retreat back to whence they came from a birth. At the very least, sit down in a quiet place as I did and be true to yourself and afterwards take the test and if you land in in a category that says you are a true transsexual find a therapist that has experience with working with transgender people. Most likely you will then begin hormones prior to the therapist recommendation which is yet another check-point to move forward or backwards. Once the therapist approves you we are at the another point of decision, move forward or move backwards and remember, between the time you start with a therapist and finish with a therapist you are living live in the gender you want to be "forever" and forever is a long time to enjoy or learn to hate depending on your age. Choose wisely.

Warren, It's nice to see you blogging again, and I'm so happy that you're feeling more stable! And happy early birthday!!! xoxo Christie

I think a blog entry on details on what it cost overall is in my future.

Last week when I had to proctor an exam I found myself for a few minutes just looking around at everyone and thinking, "what is the difference in appearance between the men and women in the room?" The only "universal" (not totally, but generally) was that women seem "smoother" or less rough. So that's when i decided electrolysis for my face is necessary, the 5 o'clock shadow has to go

Thanks for this feedback! One thing I'm trying to do is get as good an estimate as possible about the costs, that would make it much easier to see how I can work it. But I do know that financially I can probably do it. There's definitely fat in my budget (breakfast was also one that I recently worked on - i used to get breakfast out every day, now I have a couple of boxes of cereal in my office that i eat when i get here). I also just took my next step - I emailed my closest friends to say that I'm now going by Christie

Christie, I think many don't see the beauty of being natural as it allows us to blend in, many times to the point that you will tell someone you once were male and their jaw will drop where the beauty there is you thought that they knew which helps us eliminate self-doubt. It is work at first which after a while turns into simply being you.

Sounds like you are doing the correct thing by listing out the good and bad which is critical when making the decision to move forward, stop or regress back to your binary gender. In regards to cost, when I made the decision to move forward what happen was I made the decision to take money I had simply saved for stuff and make it my surgery money. If I did not have the funds then I would had simply created a tight budget to afford the surgery. So if money is an issue and you want to move forward the best place to begin is to look at what you make each month and cut out the fat. Cutting out the fat, for instance, for me I looked at what I was spending and realized that I spent eight dollars for breakfast. I then rearranged and now it cost me three dollars which does add up. I smoked which cost me $200 per month ($2,400 per year), yes a big savings there and it again adds up. I purchased a lot of shoes that was another cut I would make. Picking one item and looking at it in the short term does not get you much until you look at say one year’s savings. Doing this makes it easier to afford what it takes to transition.

Karen, Thank you for this wonderful post! I had seen the chart before, you may have put it in a reply to one of my earlier blog entries - I'm too lazy at the moment to go look . As best as I can tell, I'm somewhere between Type V and Type VI (I think currently Type V, but increasing drifting over to Type VI). Speaking as someone who is pre HRT and GRS I can definitely say that I understand the desire to rush into it, but I am very much trying to take my time (turning 49 in July doesn't make it easy for me to "take my time" about things). There was a point when I would agree completely with the idea that trying to live as a woman for a year before doing anything made no sense, after all how can I just live as a woman like I am? I need some help, at least hormones, right? For me the revelation was about passing as female (I know there is much dissent about the idea of "passing" and I'd like to believe that I'm courageous enough to just present as I am without worrying about it, but I'm not there yet). Back when i was cross-dressing (before "coming out" as TG), I thought that I still needed more work, like I wasn't sufficiently passing even when cross-dressed. So when i started thinking about living full-time as a woman I thought I still had far to go. But recently, since I've been doing smaller things, I realized that i'm much closer than I thought. When cross-dressing I was not trying for natural, now that I'm trying to go more natural, i see that it kind of works. I'm not totally there yet, but pretty close. xoxo Christie

I agree with you Monica in that that web site is one sided and used it only to show an extreme case of regret. It would be interesting to learn the percentage of people who transitioned had different levels of regret along with (as I am sure there are) people in this group who overcame these regrets. Thinking about going from one year to two years, if you had suggested this before I transitioned I would think that was over the top because my mind just wanted to move forward. After transitioning I still see it (for me) over the top. Now I am just one person and can see how a two year length of time would be in order for those who are not sure. So perhaps a therapist would have the power to say to a client, "you need more than one year to be absolutely sure this is right for you". At the same time there could be people who may be done in less time but that would be a rare case. All I know since I am not a professional is and I think many can agree on this is that you can never go back, the body has changed, your social circle, family and friends have changed over what you have done. When done right the pieces will fall into place. Pieces that make up doing it right may be very difficult to complete like moving to a trans friendly community, changing one's job and like Monica mentioned, two years living life in the other gender. Thinking of moving to a trans friendly community, I did that but did it for another reason then later realized this was great for me transitioning. So there are hard choices to be made for some of us while others medium changes and rarely light changes. I also agree with no pressure should be placed on significant others. Think of grabbing a child's hand and forcing them to move with you vs gently taking their hand and speaking in a soft voice. Significant others need time to digest and we must understand there is a lot they are going through just as we are too.

Karen, Looked at the website and feel that there is a great need for opposing points of view. Am concerned that the writer is an ultra conservative. In my opinion, I knew 400 transgender people casually (met them once or twice) and about a hundred well (met them at least four times a year, many of whom I met weekly), and only two "changed their mind." One (MTF) changed their mind because they could not cope with losing male privilege. The person was an engineer and experienced great prejudice as a female engineer, despite passing beautifully in voice and looks. Reassured them I would give them my support no matter their choice; telling them to take their time. The person had HRT but no surgery. They had to have reversal surgery in that their breasts had to be removed. The other, also a MTF, had HRT and SRS, and had to have reversal surgery. This person experienced great trauma, very similar to the man in the video. In short, changing one's gender should NOT be taken lightly. In my opinion, I feel a person should get a good two full years of counseling BEFORE HRT or SRS, as well as living full-time during the same two years. Realize it is tough living full time before HRT, but it is very hard to reverse even HRT alone. Transgender support groups should NEVER pressure anyone to proceed with their transition, and should make a point of giving support whether a person decides to proceed or to back out. Strongly recommend EVERYONE to look at the website, video and links CAREFULLY, and study the above chart. By the way, my beloved, with whom I had a ten year relationship, was a "Group 2, Type lV" Transsexual, who did not have HRT or SRS. Did not pressure her to have HRT or any procedures done. Please note, significant others, do not pressure your beloved in either direction, but encourage them to take their time as transitioning is irreversible! Monica

My daughter has decided to be closer to family so she is moving back to Oregon from Pennsylvania next April. She is waiting because she is due to deliver a girl in September. She called me last week and asked what she should do with her car which is two years old. I said her options where to sell the car or have me fly out and drive her car to Oregon. So it looks like I will be flying into Pennsylvania next April to do just that, drive her car across country to Portland Oregon. Back in 2000 I was supposed to attend a week long training in Washington State but messed up my thumb and had to skip that year. The class was not being offered on the West Coast for years so I decided to find the class where it would be in 2001 which was New Hampshire and since I had lots of gear would drive across country. I made the trip in an amazing four days. Now I am 15 years older and believe I can make the trip in five days. My plan like in 2001 thru 2004 (yes I did this for three years in a row) is to drive, sleep in the car and keep moving. I will bring a pack of five hour energy for times when I want to pull over and sleep but not convenient to pull over. Unlike last time I am not opposed to staying in a hotel if the need arises. So last night while talking with my mother she said I need to be careful as there are men who watch for females driving alone. I came back without hesitation saying that I can handle myself no problem with my training and will have weapon with me. What is really going to be much better is having my GPS. All my other trips was by writing down directions on a notepad along with bringing a paper map for all but the last trip where I used a National Geographic map program which was not much better than paper maps. If anyone here is between the two coast that might be in my path I would love to stop for a short visit if open to it.

Eve, thank you for sharing your story. I really appreciate it. My hope is, as in your case, that time and circumstance help us persevere through this as a family. That is the hope anyway. And certainly, self-medicating is not good. I thought about doing that many times with prescription medication and I am glad I did not. Though, I did take over the counter vitamins and glandulars for a few months, which actually worked. Though, I am off of those and will not do those again. --Lisa

Unfortunately Jersey City is not in the path! that's such a nice thing you're doing for her