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Dear Ren, if that's not a young man looking at me, from your photo, I don't know what is. You look terrific, handsome, although I know you were faking your smile. I also fully get how you're feeling so depressed, irritable, pissed off. But I do wish you a happy birthday. Maybe my wish won't come true but I wish it with all my heart nonetheless. All of my birthday cakes for you are for Warren, my friend. I hope you can hang in there. We miss hearing from you. Many warm hugs, Emma

It is save to say that I am doing well now other than feeling crappy from not taking a shower since prior to surgery and plan on taking one this morning as I was given the okay to take a shower. From the post surgery visit yesterday they explained to me about the current status of my breast skin and what to expect in the next few weeks which is what I will report on next so others who will have breast augmentation will know about what to expect. In retrospect It is critical that you have a support person with you and that this person understands what you are going through and will be there with you.Eating healthy is super important. My friend forced me (as I am not a fruit person) to eat fruit and veggies (I am a veggie person) which helps with constipation.Staying hydrated is also important.I found using a travel mask for sleeping is important to block out all light since I was sleeping in my living room and had a support person doing stuff where she needed lights on. Keep the mask close by if moving to another room and you feel tired this will help.In my prior post I reported a low pain level, I can not stress this too much that I have a unusual threshold for pain so be prepared for more pain than I had.Very short walks around the house can help fight off feeling confined as it is really good to not move around a lot the first few days after surgery but one does need to get up and move the limbs around.Listen to the surgeon's instructions. I thought one was interest in that the simple task of opening a refrigerator door is a no-no right after surgery.

Sometimes I cant help but wonder why I bother trying. Why I push so hard to make things right... Today's my birthday, yes that much is true. And it werent a 'bad' day, and my bfs family and whatnot did what they could to make it nice for me. But I'll admit, it was a little hurtful not to see "Warren" or "Ren" on my birthday card. Due to butting heads about it, they left it blank...Instead of a birthday cake, they did a various sliced cheesecake...most likely to avoid the name situation again. Why is it so goddamn hard to use a name that I LEGALLY claimed as my own? Just thinking about the stubbornness makes me tear up...It's not fair... Although the beach trip was postponed from Saturday to Sunday for better weather, I cant help but get super grumpy at the same time every night, not sure why. Consistantly, every single night, I get overwhelmingly p***ed off every time at absolutely nothing, making people around me miserable. I dont mean to do it, it just....happens... I'm gaining weight back, which doesnt really sit well with me, making me even MORE depressed. I joined a transgender support group on facebook which, at first, was great. Made me feel good to talk to other FTMs and whatnot, but recently I've found it more and more depressing. Watching other transguys go through their lives successfully with supportive family and friends, getting their surgery dates and starting hormones....I dont have any of that. I have two supportive people, and the rest are "tollerating" my "condition". I cant afford my surgery. I cant afford hormones...I literally cannot help but cry like a baby when I think about how long I'll be stuck with these f***ing "tumors"....I want them gone. Perminatly. I dont want a half-assed downsizing, I want them GONE. G.O.N.E. I'm just....so tired of waiting...Nothing is going anywhere. I'm walking in circles it seems. Nothing I do changes any of it. At least, that's what it feels like. I've found myself curling up in a ball trying to sleep, crying and thinking about it all. I'm stuck in a hole..... My state has nothing to help me with, as if it's bound and determined to keep me in my "feminine place". My insurance was useless when I DID have it, and now that I dont have any at all, it hurts even more. Everywhere I turn to, turns into a dead end. Endless loops. Anyone I meet who is supposed to help, cant. Anyone I hope to understand, doesnt. I'm just so lost...Even now, thinking about how much I'm in the dark on direction, I start to tear up. I've fallen back into that dark corner of my mind, regardless of what I do. I took a double dose of my muscle relaxant, as I were told I'm allowed to, just to try and sleep and escape my grief. Come to find out, I cannot handle that much, and had a reaction to it. I dont even remember damaging my bicep, all over again....and now...I'm hooked all over again. It's all I think about. All that crosses my mind. Dare I say, the habit has captured me in my vulnerable state once more. Went to the salon today to get my hair cut....A place where my hairstylist KNOWS that I'm transgendered. We've talked about it and I gave a brief discussion, and she'd never questioned it before. Never had a problem, and I loved going there! I still do, to a degree.....She hired another boothrenter, or another stylist you could put it, to help her with the work load. This 2nd hairdresser seemed nice enough, really. I didnt have an issue with her for the most part. But...she kept repeatedly calling me feminine pronouns and such, and it was really starting to bug me...Waiting for MY stylist to say something only seemed to hurt more when she said "Why dont you go let this sit while I cut your sisters hair?" to my little sister...about me...... Dare I say it, my heart broke a little. I smiled and ignored it, but it hurt...it still hurts...I know some of it is on my part for not stepping up and saying something about it, but how could I? Not without it making a scene or upsetting someone. It just....it hurts....everything hurts. Emotionally I'm exhausted. Mentally I'm conflicted. Physically I'm weak. I cannot go to bed without getting so frustrated I end up punching parts of myself because I just hate them. I hate them being there. I hate seeing them. I hate feeling them. I hate literally EVERYTHING about them... I dont even regret self harming...I'm not hurting anyone but myself. And sometimes its the only relief I get, and none of it is life threatening. So what does it really f***ing matter? If no one can help me with my gender problems, how the hell do I expect someone to help me with my harming problems? I'm a wreck, and I'll just have to deal with it. Lay in the mud of the trench that is my life. Occasionally I have the little flowers that pop up out of the mud like you guys, my boyfriend or two sisters. But basically....that's it. And its hard to see them through all the mud and darkness.... I just...dont know what to do anymore... I almost dont even care anymore. Warren (new hair. mastered the fake smile) .

The jury is in, I totally agree with the others, don't see anything but a handsome man. Happy Birthday!!!

Just some random thoughts as another week comes to an end and I get ready for a 4-day weekend (YAY!) I mentioned in an earlier post that this week I finally wore shoes (2 days) that are clearly women's. This was also the first week that I've gone 100% in female clothing. I'm still getting more "sirs" than I'd like, and someone yesterday commented on what I was wearing saying "I respect a man who can wear pink." Those things all make me wonder "what more do I have to do!?!?" Well, that's my weekend project, figuring out what more I can do I had my first electrolysis appointment yesterday. It was 45 minutes (10-15 minutes of consultation first, then 45 minutes of actual electrolysis). It hurt, but it wasn't as bad as i had feared, and she started with the upper lip which she said was the most painful part. Going into it my fears were (1) if I could afford it (I will find a way!), (2) if it would hurt too much (I have 4 tattoos, this didn't feel as bad), and (3) that I had to let the hair grow a couple of days before the session - AHH!!! (it's worth it for the long-term benefit). What I noticed though was that there was no fear about whether or not I really wanted it. It did scare me at the end when she said I can't wear make-up for the next week - I'm supposed to do drag on Tuesday, that might be a challenge (I'll see what I can pull off this weekend, something without foundation) Also reached out to my doctor about getting a propecia prescription and to have at least a preliminary discussion about hormone therapy. Haven't been able to make contact with him yet, but I should get somewhere on this early next week. My new therapist continues to be wonderful! And she gave me contact information for TG support group in the city. They meet the 1st Wednesday of each month, so I have that in my calendar for June. At work there was also a very positive development. The person who used to be my bosses' boss (she was over all 3 people to whom I report) shifted positions, she's now the head of the Office of Diversity and Inclusion (or something like that). When the announcement came out about that I sent her a congrats email, and used that to "come out" to her (I think she might have known already, but I wasn't sure). She thanked me and said that she definitely wants to incorporate trans issues into the work that she'll be doing (it is a new position), and she said that she'd like to chat with me sometime soon to get any thoughts I might have about what the school can do. I've known her for several years and I know that she's not the type to just "blow smoke up your ass," if she says she wants to do something she really does, and typically gets it done. So on my task list for the long weekend is also to think about what I see as the logistical things that might come up, and then look at that to see what I should raise with her. I'm also meeting with our HR director again to update - she mentioned that they are very soon going to "re-label" rest rooms with respect to gender identity (she couldn't tell me more about that yet). Finally, on Wednesday night I do a volunteer gig at a comedy theater in the city. I told the person who coordinates volunteers that I had decided to start using my female name, so this week that started. He's really sweet, he seemed to go out of his way to find ways to use my name whenever he could, and before I left we had a long conversation about it, he was curious about a lot of it (and also apologized in advance if he asked anything insensitive, which he didn't do). There were also 2 occasions that night where I had to introduce myself to someone and that was the first time I introduced myself in person to someone as Christie So on the whole this was a really good week! Underneath all of this was just a far greater comfort with what I'm doing and where I'm going. I hope everyone has a lovely Memorial Day weekend! xoxo Christie

Hmmm, also Propecia is a rip off, at least here in the UK, It's really Finasteride at 1mg strength, and it can be purchased from chemists here after filling out a questionaire, but it's about £40 odd for 28 tablets..............Finasteride on the other hand is sold at 5mg strength, and costs less than £4 for 28 tablets but it is only obtainable via a Doctors Prescription. I am prescribed it and I cut the tablets in half. You might want to talk to your Docter about this, it could save you a lot of money..................? Eve x

At my post surgery appointment I was told all looked fine. There will be at least four more visits/check-ups. They were very surprised when my female friend reported that I had taken only twenty-five percent of the pain killers since surgery and said most patients take all the medication. They gave me Lipikar Baue AP creme which helps restore skin's hydrolipidic layer for my breast. My current pain level is under 1 using 1 to 10 scale

Okay Veronica, let's call it a 1.5 pain level as I realize that 1 would mean no pain and I do have a little bit of pain.

Hi Christie, No make up for a week? That's truly excessive, But I was told 2 days which doesn't fit in with my work. So here's what I do, the electrolysist puts some kind of a balm (Aloe Vera maybe), I then go home and wash my face with tea tree oil, then smear my face with Savlon Ointment, hope it's called the same in the US let me know if it isn't and I'll email a photo to you. Anyway after doing that I wear make-up the following day. There are occassionally some some folicle spots that are inflamed and I have to use concealer on them, but theses are gone within the next couple of days. Hope this helps you.......... Eve xoxox...........is that correct?

Dear Karen, May I suggest Vitamin E softgels to speed healing and, with your doctor's permission, after your stitches have been removed, putting Vitamin E liquid (by piercing a Vitamin E softgel) onto the scar, to prevent scarring. Women tolerate pain much better than men, in my opinion, due to estrogen, and also women are designed to tolerate pain better in order to give birth. Tolerated pain very well in all my surgeries and used very little prescription medicine, EXCEPT for my radical hysterectomy, (removed all my female organs along with the top third of my vagina), as well as biopsies of all my internal organs in my abdomen, to ensure no spread of the cancer. Had to use medical marijuana for two weeks after the hysterectomy, as NOTHING covered my pain, although when I was in the hospital, the nurses commented they saw nobody use the morphine pump less than I did. Wish the morphine pump came home with me or that I stayed longer in the hospital. Because I was a Medicare/Medicaid patient, I was in the hospital two nights and three days. Continue getting well, my friend. Yours truly, Monica

I was actually thinking that she might have been overly cautious, I wanted to look into it some more. I really don't want to do drag without foundation

In regards to not wearing makeup for a week, that's hard to believe. I would think that three days afterwards you should be able to wear makeup as I have done so in the past.

So in under six months I have gone through both gender reassignment surgery, tracheal shave and breast augmentation where three years ago I thought this would be impossible and now very happy that I am finished with surgeries as there is in my mind not much more that can be done that would make me happier. I read about some who will get various parts of their face done to have the bone structure, hairline and eye's of a female and they might possibly benefit me to look more female but at what expense? Sure I can afford surgeries for better aligning my face to be more female yet that is in my opinion vanity at my age yet if I was in my early twenties I might had considered more surgery. Sitting here right now I am truly content with the results and hope that others going down the path take their time with making decisions on what surgeries (if any) will make the the female or male they truly want/need to be. And remember, for some surgeries will bring peace while to others it may bring the complete reverse which can very well be worst than if never having surgeries. Getting breast augmentation is reversible while genital surgery is not (well we could argue this in some cases) so please think long and hard before moving forward. One happy female here that could not be happier PS (Yeah I'd be lying if I said I didn't want hips)

Had problems sleeping last night but got around three hours then awake for one then slept for about four hours. The pain during those hours was fairly intense until my friend woke up and gave me my meds. After the medication was taken I almost feel like I am back to myself unlike yesterday after medication was taken I was still in pain. Right now the pain is almost non-existing. It's just before 5 AM which means five hours to go for my post-operation checkup. I can easily see myself back to work next Tuesday if recovery stays on the path it has been so far. My recommendation for post surgery is to sleep in bed with your upper body elevated about 30 degrees or as I did, been living in a recliner which I did for operations in the past, works great.

To the handsome young man named Warren, First, Happy Birthday! If I saw the photograph of you, I would not have known that this is a transman. Warren, there are days when anyone is blue. Today I was blue. Had to go to the library and had to ask for assistance on several occasions on one visit to use their computer (I had to make hard copies of an e-mail, and technology is always marching on, while I am standing stock still . . . LOL!) Twice, two small children pointed at me, asking about my disability, using the word, "cripple." The mothers shushed their child, but I didn't know what to say, because my disability is very complex. Was not angry or offended, but was not comfortable because I did not know how to interact with mother and child in a positive way (did not want to see the two children reprimanded). Last several weeks having a dispute with BOTH my credit card company AND a vendor . . . What do I do when it "piles up"? First, I try to decide what is the BIGGEST issue that I am confronting TODAY. Then I ask myself, what can I do about it TODAY? When I have made all efforts to address the issue, I set it down, and take on NOTHING ELSE for that day. The NEXT day, I repeat the process, addressing only ONE issue. No more than one issue per day do I address. Miraculously, many of the issues will go away by themselves, so subtly, that I can not remember what was bothering me. As for Facebook or any other website, or even group of people, I ask myself, does this person, website, social media organization, organization, school, employer PULL ME UP or DOWN? Seek out situations that consistently PULL YOU UP. Stay away from situations that tend to PULL YOU DOWN. Warren, I hope this helps. We both started out with a difficult day, and I hope by the end of the day, we both end with a good day! Always your friend, Monica

Dear Karen, When I had surgery on my left breast at the 9 O'Clock position, to remove a benign growth deep inside the breast, I wore a compression bra post surgery. Had Percocet, which did cover the pain. Of course, a biopsy is very different than a breast augmentation or mastectomy. My thoughts and prayers are with you for your continued recovery. Your friend, Monica

I was just reading Christie's recent blog post which brings me to the following (it was a jog to my short term memory). My girl friend was watching the season finally of Survivor while I was napping on my recliner. I woke up, she looks at me and says "even with you sitting there with no makeup (she is use to me with mascara as I don't wear makeup) and in pajamas I can't begin to imagine you as a dude and I have known you since 2007." I turn to her, give her a thumbs up and smile. She says No, there is no way you were ever a dude even when I dated you. She had told me about a year ago that one night when we were sleeping together that she had to go sleep on the couch because sleeping with me was felt like she was sleeping with a female and she is not a lesbian or bi-sexual. She only told me this as a Revelation after learning I was trans. On another note (really to small for another blog entry) I have been receiving text messages from a female whom I have known for 20 years the past two days and can see that she is indeed into me which is great because I was hoping we could hook up. I am a proud lesbian but also seem recently been curious only about sex with a male, no relationship with men, only interested in a relationship with females. Okay off to dilate

Yep... I googled "Electra Woman," too. I also looked at the 1976 calendar to see why I couldn't really say I remembered the show. Seems it's regular timeslot was on Saturday mornings. Perhaps about the time the show came on, my brother and I might have been doing chores, or there were cartoons on that we preferred to watch.