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Good morning everyone! It's so nice starting my week on a Wednesday!! I kind of knew going in that this journey was going to be scary, but it's different when you face the reality. I overcome a fear and take a step, and then discover that the next step is even scarier. I trust that at SOME point that trend reverses. This morning I added a couple of more elements to my day-to-day make-up regimen. I was already doing mascara, nail polish, and a clear lip gloss. Today I added eye liner, blush, and a reddish lip gloss (when I look at it I think "why not just wear lip stick?"). For the first time today I definitely caught some unusual looks from people - not bad, just a little confused. So I know I'm doing something right I had to face down what I thought were some doubts over the course of the weekend and this morning. But on closer inspection I realized they weren't really doubts, just fears. Fear that I won't be able to afford this, that I'll never look quite right, that I'll lose whatever social "network" I currently have, and worst of all, that I'll end up being a "freak." I hate using that term, but it was the one that came into my head. I just fear that no matter what I do I'll always look like a man trying to look like a woman. I can try to rationalize away most of the fears - especially when I think of the transwomen I've met and seen pictures of, I haven't seen a "freak" yet! I'm meeting sometime this week or next with a couple of people at work to discuss a "transition plan." So that's exciting Speaking of work, it's time I do some! xoxo Christie

Hi Christie, It's really crap like that at the begining, I had thoughts male and female alternately coming and going like the turn of the tide. It does get easier later, believe me. It really helps if you have started hormone treatment, especially Testosterone blockers of one sort or another, that really seems like pouring oil on troubled waters. But even then you still have to be brave enough, as you have been, to go out en femme. After a month or so of gradually pushing your envelope you'll just start to feel like yourself and dressing fenmale will be irrellevant, but still enjoyable. You will not end up as a freak, you have already showed how determined you are to become a woman, you'll get there. Did I say before now "Believe in yourself", "believe you can or believe you can't, either way you're right"? Let that be your mantra. Yes you'll probably lose some friends, but ask yourself were they really friends? but you will gain some new friends too and they'll be amazing. Be careful with make-up don't go over the top with it, try to keep it low key until you have gained confidence after 4 months or so, in short don't attract attention to yourself when out in general public, unless you are amazing good looking with a beau shapely femme figure..............like the one I wish I had! LoL Good Luck with your Transition Plan, Eve oxo !!

Dear Winter, I'm so sorry to hear this from you and I'm not surprised to hear you're feeling depressed. I think what you are experiencing is what we all fear: rejection, loneliness, despair, and all that self-questioning: am I doing the right thing? How crazy am I? Well, you're not. No, I don't know you at all of course. But being TG isn't a "choice" the way that others would see it. It is what it is. And if you're on the Transgender Train I think it's best to get started and ride it out, to whatever stop(s) you decide to get off at. In the meantime may I suggest that you keep on blogging, let us know how you're doing, and allow us to give whatever support we can. Hugs, Emma

So, today I just watched my wife drive off. She's gone and I'm here at my mother's house. I was offered the chance to come back home so many times if I just do not change. It was very tempting but I know for sure that i'll just be depressed and ready to end myself if I keep living a fake life. People keep telling me how this choice that I'm making is effecting everyone. Basically I'm the cause of everyone's in this situation. I understand that need a scapegoat for their pain but all I'm doing is being me. Most people get to do that with out getting a finger pointed at them. I'm very thankful for all my supportive friends and some of the family that have been supportive too. This is going to be a positive change for me and I don't want to let others drag me down into the goo.

Keywords to me are; scary, reality and overcome. Take it from me (yeah here goes Karen yakking again), I know that when first starting out that these things are true and at some point we all consider these components to go on and on and on and on. But one day you will wake up just like any other day doing "it" right until that one day it's second nature and others "just getting" just like you without realizing "it". That day someone is going to say things like "you are so beautiful" or "I can't even imagine you as your former self (yeah they will avoid the "M" word, male" There will be a moment when you realize that you can't imagine yourself as a male too and this carries through to others and those who don't know the former you will never have to second guess because you are you, female woo-hoo. And it goes on from there. Best wishes on your journey

Thank you for this! I think you have used that quote before, but I'm glad you said it again, it really is a great mantra! I also noticed today that when I think about being "male" again it's always "going back," which means thinking as a female is becoming my norm

Hey, Ladies and Gents and Uniques. It's me again. As I sit here on memorial day, sipping a Mikes Hard Lemonaid, I decided a good random blog was overdue. First off, thank you to everyone who wished me a happy birthday. It was much appreciated to read them . On the note of my trip to the ocean, it....didnt exactly go as planned. At all. We got up at a decent time, stopped at the local gas station and gathered ourselves some drinks for the three hour ride. Everything started out so smoothly! You're starting to catch my hint, arent you? Well, we missed a turn on the busy four-lane interstate, but we soon shrugged it off. We knew we'd get a little lost anyway, so we didnt panic. An added adventure! Well one wrong turn turned into about an extra hour of wandering around cluelessly. Somehow we managed to find ourselves on familiar roads, and headed towards our destination. Plum Island Beach, MA. I love going to the Plum Island Nature Reserve, because they have a wonderful beach. Although it would be mostly closed for Plover season (bird nesting), I knew that the back section would still be open so we'd be all set! I was very....very mistaken. We pulled up to the entrance, and found ourselves sitting in a line of about eight other cars. No big deal, I thought. We just hit a random rush, that's all. How wrong I was......They were turning people away because they were so full, they had no more room for anyone to even enter. We travelled three hours, only to be told to go away. My heart sunk, and I was destroyed with disappointment. Now grumpy and sulking, I drove us away and headed further up to another beach. But it were the same situation. "Beach Full". So we kept going....and going....and going....We were on the road a total of seven hours. No where to stop, no beaches with room, and after two hours in traffic to travel the distance of ONE mile. I was soooooooooo SO done. I just wanted to go home at this point. I didnt want to deal with it anymore. My depression had already been in full swing this week, and going to the ocean was supposed to be my reprieve from it all. Only for it to be thrown back in my face like....well...sand in my eyes. Only I never got to get to the sand. The most ocean I saw was whatever I could spot over the guardrails as we drove along the coast. Depressing and infuriating. Eventually I got so annoyed with getting lost AGAIN and not knowing where the hell I were going, that I left the driver's seat and had my boyfriend drive instead. Worst part? This whole trip was to take my little sister to the ocean, who was visiting and looking forward to it. Though she swears its no big deal and she's totally fine with it, I knew she were disappointed. That's what p***ed me off the most. I failed. On another note, just the day before which totally ruined my hopes-----That CEO I were supposed to talk to? Well, we talked, and he gave me names of two women to get ahold of for some help. One is apparently very popular and into politics, so for her safety, there is NO contact information for her. The other, who we will simply call "K", had a phone number. So of course I called her. She answered with a rather sharp tone, demanding to know who I was and what I wanted. I explained that I were told to contact her (we had already agreed to call eachother thru an email) and who my friend was who told me who she was, and what my situation was. She seemed rather bent out of shape already, but I couldnt help but detect a bit of annoyance and hostility about the phonecall. She demanded to know what I had done to help my transition, as if questioning my willingness to work for it. I explained that I couldnt do much because my state is limited on help for the transgender individuals, and that since losing my job, I also lost insurance. She demanded to know why I didnt have insurance, and I told her that it's hard to find one right now that will accept me. Then she wanted to know what I had done on my part to get closer to surgery. I informed her that I had managed to save up 2k$ of the 9k$ needed for surgery. She cut me off, demanding to know who told me it was a 9k$ surgery. I told her that it was from the surgeon, and she wanted to know WHO. Name, facility, etc. I told her I didnt remember, because I didnt feel the need to look more into those details until I had the funds to get the surgery. I explained that they told me no surgery without HRT for one full year. At that point, she cut all ties to the conversation. In lack of other ways to explain it, it felt very much like she were, in fact, SCOLDING me for contacting her if I had not had HRT yet. Even though I told her that the main reason for it was because I have no funds to pay for the hormones yet, she still acted as though I were wasting her time. Saying that no one will ever touch any of my surgeries unless I take hormones, in a rather rude and forceful way. I kept my tone even and explained that I understood, apologized for disturbing her, and wished her a good rest of the day. But once I hung up, I will admit, I were reduced to tears. I'm so tired of the dead ends. The walking in circles for nothing. Ending up empty handed. It seems nothing wants to go my way, or even CLOSE to my way.In hopes that maybe, MAYBE it would help, I did contact the place I used to have a therapist at. One of the things someone has mentioned was that I might get passed hormone requirements IF I have records from a professional stating that I have had transgender dysphoria for a while, and records of me discussing my distaste for starting hormones until after surgery. So I contacted the therapists office and left a message, asking for copies of all my records and notes for a gender therapist later on. Hopefully I'll get a call back tomorrow, and can pick them up later. Not only for future use, but maybe I'll get a better idea on what the hell my therapist was scribbling on her notebook all the time I was with her. Be a good read, anyway. On ANOTHER note (Just noticed I say that a lot. Oh, one more after this!) My hair is cut, dyed, and styled. And I love it Although I'm still slightly annoyed with the situation that went on while at the salon (details in previous blog) I cannot deny that she knows how I want my hair and hits the nail on the head every time. The blue color didnt stay like I'd hoped, but it's no big deal. I like the blackness of it. I miss having black hair Plus for some reason I feel like I'm more confident with it. Suits me better, I think. The second note (oh lawd...) is that I am FINALLY going to kick myself in the butt and put together my youtube channel. Although I havent loaded any videos yet, I have it set up and ready to go! DubstepHeartbeat is the name of the channel, and it will be dedicated to personal videos on being transgender, trans tips for ftm AND mtf, my transition experiences, etc. After my intro video, one of the first topics I had been asked to discuss was "not trans enough". I have that pretty well figured out, but I would LOVE any ideas for topics that you guys can think of I'd like to post videos weekly, and get the ball rolling. Though I may be doing them in my car every week (only place I can talk openly without people overhearing and being jerks) it'll be an interesting experience nonetheless. Wish me luck, and talk to you all soon, Warren

Hey Warren, I also liked the cartoon and assumed you'd drawn it. What a bummer about the beach. We don't get as crowded out here in Northern California but indeed the traffic can get thick. I'm always pushing to get started a little earlier to beat the rush. I would also be seriously bummed to have talked to K. We can assume (hope) that she was just having a bad day and you were unfortunate to be on the receiving end of her crap. Or she's always like this. Either way it has nothing to do with you. You're cool, we know that, and you don't deserve that kind of tone or treatment from anyone. No way, no how. Dammit. I also don't blame you for being reduced to tears. Why not? You're bravely putting yourself on the firing line, stepping in front, leading the way. Yes, it absolutely sucks to keep getting this kind of response. We're all pulling for YOU, Warren. Many warm hugs, Emma

Thank you for being so supportive , Emma. I am a little down right now but I'm going to try and focus on being positive.

Simple said it sounds like this woman has a chip on her shoulder and more likely than not is acting this way to others too. In regards to the cartoon, I can relate, had similar dreams in my younger days and were vivid. No matter how hard these times are do your best to ride through this as you have so many years ahead of you to make your changes. Bottom line is the world is not being nice to you now but like me you need to be strong (and I can say that because I was you at one time and for many decades). Sure there will be many downs but with persistence you can achieve a chest void of breast and more.

I didnt actually draw the cartoon, was something I found, but thanks! We're gonna try again for the beach next friday maybe, still in debate. Hopefully we can! I soooooo wanna go As for the HRT, I agree. Sounds like crap. I plan to call and talk to a surgeon when I get the chance this week, and although I cant make any plans until I have a job, it's worth looking into. Warren

Yeah...try not to let that woman's attitude get ya down. If she's like that to everyone... she needs to find another job somewhere else. Trans people don't need that kind of treatment. Way too many of us already have esteem issues That kinda crap certainly doesn't help things. And that business about being on HRT a year before you can get surgery has got to be bull... perhaps a requirement by the particular surgeon. I know of guys who have gotten top surgery within 6 months of being on HRT. And what about a person who can't do HRT for medical reasons? That mean a guy can't get top surgery at all? The way I look at it if a guy wants top surgery, he should be able to have it. If women can get boob jobs without having their heads shrunk, we should be able to get un-boob jobs! And like you... I want them gone BEFORE starting hormones, or before the hormones start making any changes. Besides... from what I understand, they make you go off HRT for surgery. Anyway... sorry to hear that the plan for the beach went down the drain. But hey... ya have the rest of the summer to make other trips to the beach. -Michael

Dear Warren, Please do not let that woman get you down. Count your lucky stars she showed her true colors EARLY in the relationship, and, if I were you, I would cease contact immediately. Let me assure you, she most likely treats everybody the same crappy way. Your friend, Monica P.S. I absolutely LOVE your cartoon! You are so talented! P.S.S. You look so handsome in your picture!