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After almost a week of playing phone tag I finally got in touch with my doctor last night. I was trying to talk to him about getting a finasteride (sp?) prescription (which he took care of) and a referral for an endocrinologist. When I originally left the message for him I hadn't said why I was asking for these, so on the phone with him was when I told him that I had come out (I don't like using that term for some reason) as transgender. I've been going to him for a number of years now (10 or so? Maybe many more, maybe a few less - time is hard to keep track of), and I like him alot. Beyond being a really good doctor, he's very friendly, he's ALWAYS on time (my prior doctor was almost always 45 minutes to an hour late for appointments), and he's holistic in his approach. Consistent with all of that, as soon as I told him I'm trans* he congratulated me, and then asked about my support system. He then gave me the name of an endocrinologist, and said that once I'm on the hormones he would be able to do the follow-up, but that an endocrinologist was better for setting the initial levels. He also said that he works with a number of trans* patients, which made me feel even more comfortable. I haven't officially decided on HRT yet, but I feel like it's going to happen, and possibly quite soon. I raised the question with my therapist last week, to see what her general "guidelines" are in terms of providing a letter. She said she doesn't really have any, she's worked with a number of trans* clients and has done letters for them at all different times. For now she thinks we still need to work a little more through my lingering doubts (which I suspect were really fears, not doubts, but I completely agree with her on this point). So I now have a pretty decent support system in place - my doctor, my new gender therapist (who I like a lot!), a bunch of close friends who are incredibly supportive, a job that is also very supportive, this website!, an electrologist who I like (and who is also a transwoman), and next Wednesday I'm going to a trans* support group in the city. As a "side note" this week was the first week when I started to introduce myself as Christie, and be referred to as Christie by a number of people, and it's starting to feel normal This actually gives me the confidence to send the email to my sister that I wrote over the weekend. I had to spend some time on it to make it non-confrontational.

Hi Christie, It also sounds to me like you've got a tremendous support system. And you're part of that too, of course. I like it that you're putting one foot in front of the other without rushing. Yes, HRT sounds like it's in your near term future. Thank goodness you have such a wonderful therapist and MD to talk to. I think it would be especially interesting to read about how you deal with your fears and doubts as you move toward and possibly into HRT. I know I would love to hear about that. hugs, Emma

My biggest weight gain came after I retired. I was in a job that could be physically demanding, so I stayed in pretty good shape. Over the years I gained a few pounds here and there, but always remained pretty muscular. In my early 20s, I wore a size 31 jeans (despite not being over-weight, I've always had a bit of a belly), later a 33. I found, at least where I live, the only places I could find odd, or "in-between" sized jeans when I needed them were in western apparel stores. As for soda and cake...well, I don't drink much soda at all other than an occasion ginger ale. I never did like Coka-Cola even when I was a kid, and when ever I do drink soda, I usually water it down. I enjoy cake if it's there, but I don't go out of my way to bake them or seek them out at buffets. My biggest problem: GOOD FOOD! At buffets, I get a variety of foods for my meal - including veggies. For desert, I get more food. And then of course, I don't exactly get much exercise anymore. ::: sigh ::: I really can't offer any good dieting advice 'cause I really never had to diet. And now that I need to...I hate it. It's torture. All I think about is food. As a result... my attempts go bust within days.. Good luck with your weight loss... I hope you can do better than I have done.

​Thanks for your reply Monica I have been reading up on adrenal glands, and so many things seems to make sense. I have my endo appointment next week, so I'm glad I wrote this post today and you commented.

Echoing Monica's advice here, but "lifestyle changes" is not very well defined. Maybe it would help to give you some of my story: About fifteen years ago my waist size was 38 and I knew I was headed to 40, tipping the scales at almost 200 pounds. I don't remember what I weighed back in HS and college, but I suppose it was in the mid-150s. My doctor was increasingly concerned, starting having "The Talk" with me about possible diabetes, and I got suitably scared. The good news is that I was able to reduce. I used the Atkins approach, pretty religiously, along with bicycle riding for exercise. I got down to about 36 waist size and 165-170 pounds, and thought I was pretty much done for about ten years. But then it seemed my glucose levels were still staying higher than the doctor wanted to see. So, I got religion again, counting calories and carbs, and am now at about 155#, 34" waist (comfortable), and my blood tests look great. It is hard to do at times. But I do enjoy desserts from time to time, and I really enjoy a glass of wine or a beer. Nothing to excess. When we go out to eat which isn't very often, I do enjoy some bread and butter. At home we often have a nice big salad topped with chicken that I BBQ, and with olive oil and balsamic vinegar for dressing. Oh, and did I mention a glass of wine? The other thing I found necessary for me is to every single day... weigh myself. Yes, it sounds extreme, but only then do I see if my weight is staying about where I want it, or if it's trending up. It never goes down without my attention. My weight tends to fluctuate about a pound up and down, anyway, so if I didn't monitor it, then I would not know where I am in that cycle. Lastly, turn it into a game. Don't make it into a "I'll never be able to have cake (or pick your poison) again! Woe is me!" If you do that then it's so hard to stay motivated because you feel like your starving yourself and life's just too short. Give yourself credit and a pat on the back when you lose a pound. And look forward to buying new (smaller) clothes! Okay, I'll get off my soap box. Send me a PM if you'd like more thoughts... Good luck, Emma

This is a game changer for life so the answer to pursue hormone replacement treatment should not be sought after until you have taken the time to place yourself into isolation many times and come out with "this is right for me" The following may not be suited for everyone and even so might possible change your opinion of me but I am coming from a very different place here So while teaching a group of people mixes included everyday people and military I posed the question; in front of you is a child with their hand reaching for the trigger of a IED, do you pause or take the shoot? I then stand there and say nothing which (try it sometime, ask a question where you know that nobody wants to answer and then just stand there, they are forced to respond) Bottom line, in this situation hesitation means you are dead. Like the question above indecision with hormones can very well destroy your life either mentally or physically or both. If you jump the gun without placing yourself into isolation and be truthful with yourself, back to mental/physical damage. What is isolation? Example, you walk deep into a forest, sit down and completely clear your mind of everything then focus on solely on you and hormones. If after this you decide to move forward go home, walk up to a mirror and clear your mind, look at yourself in the mirror and be truthful, ask yourself "Is HRT right for me", there should be zero hesitation. If you said yes this is right for me continue with life but mark your calendar to do the mirror thing again at least 10 times and if there is zero hesitation seek medical assistance to get treatment. My path My path did not involve the forest and not everyone can use a forest, you might drive to a secluded place and do the same thing. I would find my place that worked and would ask myself the question which was over at least one year's time. I then made an appointment with a doctor for getting on HRT. We sat down together and discussed how I came to my decision which included telling her I had seen a therapist who approved me for HRT (in later years he included me in a book he wrote that devoted a chapter on me). I told the doctor I had the letter with me if she would like to see it. She placed her hand on my knee and said "dear, I see it in your eyes that you are indeed a candidate for HRT and all I need is blood work from you". She said an assistant would be in to take my blood and make a copy of the letter (she never read it). Two days later I was called asking where should they send the prescription to? A point from the above, during the doctor consultation I believe she saw in my face and eyes from my explanations that there was zero doubt in me to move forward with HRT. I have been using her now for two years and learned that she is not so easy with others. I know of two others who were down right denied HRT until they could produced therapist letters. Conclusion As mentioned above, you must have zero doubt in your mind before making an appointment with a doctor to move forward with HRT. Don't listen to stories that say you an stop before six months and revert back to pre-hormone treatment as this is a strong indicator that those people were not ready and may never be ready for hormone replacement treatment. BE TRUE TO YOURSELF, ZERO HESITATION

I'm so happy things are coming together for you! Best wishes on that email to your sister!

When I was in HS, I was thin as twig at 89lbs even though I ate a lot of food, all the time. I was often mistaken as an anorexic because of my size. Come to think of it, I don't know if I was hungry, or ate to gain weight - which never happened. Fast food was only a treat, about 3 times a year, or if we were on vacation driving two days to get to our destination. I walked all the time, mostly because my bus stop was the last stop before school, and it was extremely crowded. When I entered college and moved out on my own, I discovered fast food. For all of my meals. I was pretty much living that "Super Size Me" documentary, before it was made. I remember being happy that I was finally gaining weight and looking healthy. Then looking healthy went into a little chubby, then fat, then... ugh, size 24 (women's, which is around a 46 men's, I think). Although I was probably bigger but refused to buy any bigger. It's been many years since I changed my diet and lifestyle and started loosing weight. My goal is to fit into a 34 comfortably. I have been stuck in between 36-38 (do men's pants come in a 37?) for close to three years, and I'm pretty much stuck at 180lbs, no matter how much I work out. I'm just getting so frustrated with putting in all the effort and not seeing results!

​Hey UO, I have lost a considerable amount of weight (250lbs down to 180) since 2008, I should be happy with my progress, but I have been stuck for 3 years of actively trying. My best advice to you, is just to cut back one thing at a time, repeat. For me, it was potatoes, and I could eat a plateful alone. Within 2 months, I cut down to 2 big tablespoon dollops. If you do it slowly, your body doesn't really recognize that you're eating less. At a buffet, I can barely eat 3 plates (in fact, I can barely eat 2, but I want my money's worth, so I force it!) I'm not going to preach, but if you (or if you're just reading this) want to know more how I did it, and timelines, hit me up.

​Emma, I swore I replied to you yesterday! Basically, yes, I have completely overhauled what I consume, and cut a lot of bad things out that I ate 10 years ago. Almost mirroring your comment. That is why I find it so frustrating at not seeing any results! Either way, keep talking and I'll keep listening.

Well Christie, that's brilliant, and shows that generally US medical thinking seems to in advance of the UK, except for my GP of course, who is a wonderful woman who also prescribed me oestrogen way before the normal protocols state. I did try quarters but they seem to crumble after cutting them in half, Finasteride is also much more effective when combined with testosterone blockers, in my case Decapeptyl. I hope to be able to dispense with wigs within the next 12 -18 months. Catch you later..........Eve

This has been bothering me for some time now, I have never felt as if I was born in the wrong body as many who have transitioned have. I have never really understood why I had it in me, or what caused me to want to transition to female. Sounds kind of daft to admit to that doesn't it, well it does to me anyway, I pretty much can't go back even if I wanted to, which I definately don't. After reading Becoming Drusilla, and Karen Paynes latest blog entry, it becomes ever more apparent to me, that signs of the female side of my self were there all along, from a reasonably early age, I just couldn't see it at the time. Was it social conditioning, or too much testosterone that hid my femme self? Perhaps both. I have had a number of girlfriends when I was in my late teens and early twenties, all of whom were good looking, yes I was quite choosey about that. More than one of them said to me that they had thought or dreamt of another of my male friends who was cross dressed, but the scary thing was that this other guy had the same first name as myself, and yes I was secretly cross-dressing at that time. Where they trying to broach the subject of cross dressing because they suspected me, and wanted to make it easier for me to talk about it? I always wanted to buy them what could only be termed tarty but sexy clothing, so I suspect it must have made them wonder why. There were earlier signs too when I was very young perhaps 5 or 6 years old, I came across an elder female cousins high heeled knee boots, leather jacket, and motorcycle helmet (She was in her late teens and had arrived at our house on her parents motorcycle and sidecar) I was truly attracted to them in my innocence, and put the on, although obviously they didn't fit, anyway I was clumping around in them when I was discovered, all the adults of course laughed, because they thought it was childish innocent play. In my later years I just thought that it was a fetish, perversion, or kink - call it what you will. I now know that there has always been a very female side to me ever since I was born, but I'm still unsure of why. I seemed to have a lot of very male traits in my early life and testosterone has ravaged my body, leaving me prior to coming out as Trans with a stocky, hairy, wide shouldered and narrow hipped body with male pattern baldness, not at all what most people (including myself at that time) would have thought of as Transgender material. Perhaps it was these factors that had kept my female self from becoming apparent to me at that time. Point is, that by reading the stories of others can help understanding of one's self (sorry for the Britishness) and in my case my evolvement to transitioning. Thank God others have trodden a similar path to me, before me, and have been bothered enough to record it. Thank you all, don't stop recording your path. Eve xx

Thanks for moving it Christie, I don't know how I managed to mess up the entry, apologies to all. Eve x

Fantastic Christie, I'm so glad it's going so well for you, and that Finasteride doesn't seem as much of a problem as it can be with some GP Doctors over here. Funny coincidence is that my Electrologist is also a transwoman, not that you'd ever suspect it. Have a great week-end, look forward to hearing more progress from you soon. Eve x oops oxo!

[I originally posted this under the duplicate entry of this blog post, wanted to move it over here ] Eve, I'm so glad you shared this! I've felt very similar to you about this, and it's what fuels what remains of my doubts. I especially like that you talked about testosterone ravaging your body! I remember when I started to have body hair it truly grossed me out (honestly, even writing that phrase right now made me feel a little ill). I've worked very hard to get rid of most of it (waxing, then laser, now electrolysis for my face). It wasn't until I started cross-dressing a couple of years ago (thinking at first that it was a fetish) that I started to realize who I really am inside, and that my outside wasn't matching. xoxo Christie

Dear Brigsby and Christie, Diet beverages have been shown to increase weight gain because they increase the appetite for sweet foods. Am so sorry you gained weight by eating at McDonald's, and wish you had consulted a nutritionist to gain weight in a healthy way. It is not too late . . . especially for young people. You may have blown out your adrenal glands and may have to lose it slowly in a healthy fashion. Avoid the fad diets and seek lifetime lifestyle changes. Monica

When I said, "It's been many years since I changed my diet and lifestyle and started loosing weight", cutting all pop was a MAJOR part of that. I don't remember the last time I had something that contains carbonation or aspartame! Before that, I drank a lot of Coke Zero, like it was going out of style. It IS my favourite drink of ALL TIME! I miss it dearly! And yes, I lost the most weight the fastest after and I noticed a major difference in the way I felt after I cut it out completely. The reason for the title of this post, is because cake and Coke are what I miss the most!