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I had to do some banking in the actual bank, at the teller desk today. I have to deal with a physical person only a few times a year, but I get nervous every single time. My name is still my birth, and extremely female name. I have never had issues in the past, but today was a different story. The lady who called upon me was new, and still didn't know the major procedures so she asked "Tony" to come over to help. He looked at me, at the computer at me again, and announced my name in a loud-ish and questioning manner. I replied with my deep male voice, "yes, that's right." After "Tony" answered the teller's questions and left, I confirmed his name then asked to see the manager. She said sure and asked if everything is ok. I said, it wasn't, but not because of her. The manager seemed genuine with her disgust, and has said to talk to the other manager in the branch as well as "Tony" and to provide a memo to staff that transgender people are not to have personal information disclosed. Honestly, I am not shocked that this happened, I am shocked that it has taken this long for it to happen.

I just thought that my previous entry wasn't quite complete, and I needed to add a second entry supplemental to it. When I first came out of the closet (Trans Wardrobe?) to my wife, the mist was just starting to thin, I didn't think it would ever be possible for me to become a full-time trans woman, even though my innermost self wanted it with all my heart. I had thought about it many times before and told myself it's not possible based on my physical build. Anyway I started dressing around the house for nights in and started experimenting with make-up. After another 4 months or so I found out about a close friend who was similarly afflicted. This eventually led to part-time dressing in trans-friendly places, so it was an enlarged closet really. Can you see the mist starting to thin some more? I had a great deal of tranxiety at first getting from my front door into a car and being tranxious about the car stopping at traffic lights and people looking at me, and going from the carpark to the bar, I've never walked so fast in high heels in my life! It then started becoming apparent to me that the Genie was well and truly getting out of the bottle......... and the mist is clearing a little more. I've already mentioned in previous entries that I had fooled around with phyto-estrogen pills and cream, I didn't expect them to work, however around the same time I was diagnosed with gynecomastia, this in retrospect still seems to me to be the foundation of my going on further, than purely cross-dressing. So the mist is clearing quite quickly now. The weather had also started to change for Trans people too, it was becoming less and less unusual to be trans. I gradually became satisfied as being an inbetweenie (non gender specific) then moved on ever further to becoming femme, the remnants of the mist had disappeared during this 2 year period and now that I am fulltime undergoing hormone treatment, very occasionally during a red wine induced period of insomnia, I think about my choice to desert being male, it brings the occasional tranxieties that soon disappear. After sleeping later in the early morning I seem stronger in my belief of being femme. So the mist occasionally returns, and then the sun shines through and the mist disappears.............. So it takes time to transition, it took me longer than many others that I know. It's also hard work and expensive, even in the UK where most medical issues are treated free, there remians the cost of maintaining a female wardrobe, the cost of many pairs of shoes, I sometimes think that I might have some centipede in me!, and the cost of make-up and beauty treatments, electrolysis, nails being gelled, and so on. Then there's the cost of name change and documents being changed. So you have to realise that these changes are going to be you for the rest of your life, when you have accepted that and you accept yourself for who you really are, I think the mist will have finally cleared away. Profoundly, Eve

I am not surprised at all but you did the right thing and are in short trail-blazing the path for others. I lived with this for a long time when living as a female with my bank accounts in my male name. Of course after a year on hormone replacement treatment I simply could not hide it anymore and went to the bank manager, told him about me. After telling the bank manager I got even better service i.e. when I came in for anything and he was there or his assistant (a female) would call me over to their desk asking how they could help. Once my name officially changed the congratulated me and took care of changing all accounts to my new female name. Many are under the assumption that one must wait until after gender reassignment surgery to change their name and gender on documents but with the right therapist (like mine) they can write a letter stating it is okay for you to change name and gender. I did this one month prior to surgery which was her recommendation so that travelling would be easier. As it was nobody question me but was grateful that my ticket had a female name on it. So if ready, consider looking into changing your name and gender.

The ignorant people who slag off trans people are just sheep, lazy, mindless and flock together because everyone else does, and are incapable of thinking for themselves, perhaps the only thoughts in their heads are it's always been this way and so it must be right, and anyway everyone else thinks the same. They need to wake up and realise that the world is changing..............fast in civilised countries. Process for name / title, and acquired gender in the UK is anyone can have as many names as they want, that being said it doesn't satisfy many organisations, a statement of name change is a free document in the web but again doesn't satisfy all, the easiest sure way of doing it is to get a UK Deed Poll Service Deed of Change of Name and Title (Deed Poll). Acquired Gender Change can then happen with a doctors letter (stating that you are undergoing gender identity dysphoria treatment and are likely to remain as female for the foreseeable future), and certified copy or original Deed Poll, appropriate fees, and forms filled in be sent to Passport Office and Driving Licence centre for new documents, They will come back stating that you are female.

Social condition plays a huge part in this which causes us to conform to social norms whether we want to or not as I see it.

Yes Karen, you are correct and also it was your blog entry that confirmed my earlier thoughts during my insomnia at 04:30 GMT this morning. Exactly the same regarding Femme wardobe LoL. Never wear the same outfits on two days running when in the office.................. You may be right about times taken to reach decisions, but I can only guage myself against the girls that I know, of course there are ging to be many many more that I don't know. I also suspect that differeing cultures, national and religious, will have an effect on time taken. Yes I did do the questions and thinking about one if not the biggest decision of my life, but perhaps not in such a separated manner, more like small steps at a time with small decisions before each. But I always new that it was what I really wanted, I just didn't think it possible, social conditioning I suppose. Thanks Karen, Eve

Overall it sounds like time spent in the mist, coming out of the mist is appropriate time spent to make informed decisions on yourself. You know it may be wrong to say it took longer than others dependent on whom you are gauging yourself against as I am sure there are more than you realize that took an extended period of time to make their decision too. Thinking of clothing and makeup cost, from my perspective it's all about wearing something different each day where as a male the mindset is I will wear the same thing day after day in regards to pants and shoes and even with shirts as men are more that way while females are the complete opposite. I have a huge closet, for years as a male it was half full but as a female it has overflowed to another closet.

Yes, it's you for the rest of your life, how do you want to spend your life, think about it.

I always enjoyed going to my hair salon prior to becoming female but it's so much better now as I am included into chit-chat that only woman engage in. Was there for three hours getting my roots and highlights done so there was a good deal of chit-chat. Two things worth mentioning, one of the stylist who (just learned this today) has been there for 13 years (and I have been going there for 20) ignored me so I thought then the stylist doing my hair said to me, do you know Jean (the other stylist)? I said yes and wonder if she knows who I am? So she called Jean over and introduced me as Karen then said I was Kevin.. Jean looks at me and there it goes like other times before, the eyes and mouth pop open. She said if not told she would never had guess it was me (thinking before Karen). Second thing, my stylist who is also the owner told me she came from Mississippi to Oregon to marry and it didn't work out. She is staying here for at least six months and then going back to Mississippi. What I thought was interesting was her saying that if I was to go to Mississippi I would get many marriage proposals. Before I could say anything see said because I was beautiful which I hear enough to have me start believing that it might possibly be some what true. So my morning was most excellent, got into some good chit-chat, got a boost of self esteem and my hair done, what more could a girl get from a hair salon.

Ya know... here's something that some of these ignorant, inconsiderate people should consider -- I worked with a guy who's LEGAL name was an obviously female name. His mother did not read or write very well, and she spelled the name she wanted to give her son the best she could. Just turned out that her misspelling was not only a real name, that name was spelled correctly, and it was a name for a girl. On the flip side of that coin, I met a woman who's father had wanted a boy so bad, that she ended up bestowed with the name her father had chosen for his son before she was born. Apparently, his word was rule and her mum had no say in the matter even though the much wanted son ended up being a girl. I have no idea how often these things happen, but it's proof that we are not the only ones that don't always have the gendered name that people expect us to have. Unless there is reason to believe there is illegal activity occurring, people need to learn how to respect people, and stop taking it upon themselves to try "educate" a person about his/her name. Anywhoooooooooo, years ago, I ran across something online where a lawyer somewhere had pretty much destroyed the traditional stand by courts to deny a person a change to a name that did not match their gender - I wished I had saved it. But no matter, to the best of my knowledge, no court can any longer deny a person a change to the name of their choice as long as the reason is not for any illegal purpose. Warren has recently legally changed his name and he has not begun any medical transition. You might want to check out three of his blogs about his name change (if you haven't already seen them). Perhaps he will even share with you the steps he took. Process may be a little different where you live, but the information might still be helpful. Frustrated but hopeful Chaos has Swallowed me whole MISSION SUCCESSFUL!!!

I should add to my entry that I do consider my appointment with the doctor to be a very preliminary step. I've done a lot of research on it, but I'd like to hear what a doctor says directly, and also perhaps do the preliminary blood work to make sure it's even possible (I don't see any reason why it wouldn't, but who knows).

On a side note on prostate, after gender reassignment surgery the prostate goes into atrophy in about 12 months post surgery.

Just a quick update - I just made an appointment with the endocrinologist on June 20 - yay!!!!!!!!!! (I was a little frustrated that it's so far off, then I realized it's only 3 weeks)

Since my mother and brother who live 3,500 miles from me have not seen Karen I went and got some photos done. Before are a few of the photos. For my mother and brother (both live in the same house) I had three pictures framed together. I elected to have the pictures taken with zero makeup so any and all flaws do show up and that is how I like it, natural.

Winter, Sadly, this is an example of conditional love . . . which really isn't love at all. Monica

Winter, So sorry to hear your pain, Emma is right in that transitioning isn't a lifestyle choice, others really need to realise that fact. Stay in touch, I hope that youget to where you want to be, so sorry I can't offer any other positive advice other than to agree with Emma. Hope your pain subsides soon, Eve

This is a game changer for life so the answer to pursue hormone replacement treatment should not be sought after until you have taken the time to place yourself into isolation many times and come out with "this is right for me" The following may not be suited for everyone and even so might possible change your opinion of me but I am coming from a very different place here So while teaching a group of people mixes included everyday people and military I posed the question; in front of you is a child with their hand reaching for the trigger of a IED, do you pause or take the shoot? I then stand there and say nothing which (try it sometime, ask a question where you know that nobody wants to answer and then just stand there, they are forced to respond) Bottom line, in this situation hesitation means you are dead. Like the question above indecision with hormones can very well destroy your life either mentally or physically or both. If you jump the gun without placing yourself into isolation and be truthful with yourself, back to mental/physical damage. What is isolation? Example, you walk deep into a forest, sit down and completely clear your mind of everything then focus on solely on you and hormones. If after this you decide to move forward go home, walk up to a mirror and clear your mind, look at yourself in the mirror and be truthful, ask yourself "Is HRT right for me", there should be zero hesitation. If you said yes this is right for me continue with life but mark your calendar to do the mirror thing again at least 10 times and if there is zero hesitation seek medical assistance to get treatment. My path My path did not involve the forest and not everyone can use a forest, you might drive to a secluded place and do the same thing. I would find my place that worked and would ask myself the question which was over at least one year's time. I then made an appointment with a doctor for getting on HRT. We sat down together and discussed how I came to my decision which included telling her I had seen a therapist who approved me for HRT (in later years he included me in a book he wrote that devoted a chapter on me). I told the doctor I had the letter with me if she would like to see it. She placed her hand on my knee and said "dear, I see it in your eyes that you are indeed a candidate for HRT and all I need is blood work from you". She said an assistant would be in to take my blood and make a copy of the letter (she never read it). Two days later I was called asking where should they send the prescription to? A point from the above, during the doctor consultation I believe she saw in my face and eyes from my explanations that there was zero doubt in me to move forward with HRT. I have been using her now for two years and learned that she is not so easy with others. I know of two others who were down right denied HRT until they could produced therapist letters. Conclusion As mentioned above, you must have zero doubt in your mind before making an appointment with a doctor to move forward with HRT. Don't listen to stories that say you an stop before six months and revert back to pre-hormone treatment as this is a strong indicator that those people were not ready and may never be ready for hormone replacement treatment. BE TRUE TO YOURSELF, ZERO HESITATION

After almost a week of playing phone tag I finally got in touch with my doctor last night. I was trying to talk to him about getting a finasteride (sp?) prescription (which he took care of) and a referral for an endocrinologist. When I originally left the message for him I hadn't said why I was asking for these, so on the phone with him was when I told him that I had come out (I don't like using that term for some reason) as transgender. I've been going to him for a number of years now (10 or so? Maybe many more, maybe a few less - time is hard to keep track of), and I like him alot. Beyond being a really good doctor, he's very friendly, he's ALWAYS on time (my prior doctor was almost always 45 minutes to an hour late for appointments), and he's holistic in his approach. Consistent with all of that, as soon as I told him I'm trans* he congratulated me, and then asked about my support system. He then gave me the name of an endocrinologist, and said that once I'm on the hormones he would be able to do the follow-up, but that an endocrinologist was better for setting the initial levels. He also said that he works with a number of trans* patients, which made me feel even more comfortable. I haven't officially decided on HRT yet, but I feel like it's going to happen, and possibly quite soon. I raised the question with my therapist last week, to see what her general "guidelines" are in terms of providing a letter. She said she doesn't really have any, she's worked with a number of trans* clients and has done letters for them at all different times. For now she thinks we still need to work a little more through my lingering doubts (which I suspect were really fears, not doubts, but I completely agree with her on this point). So I now have a pretty decent support system in place - my doctor, my new gender therapist (who I like a lot!), a bunch of close friends who are incredibly supportive, a job that is also very supportive, this website!, an electrologist who I like (and who is also a transwoman), and next Wednesday I'm going to a trans* support group in the city. As a "side note" this week was the first week when I started to introduce myself as Christie, and be referred to as Christie by a number of people, and it's starting to feel normal This actually gives me the confidence to send the email to my sister that I wrote over the weekend. I had to spend some time on it to make it non-confrontational.

I'm so happy things are coming together for you! Best wishes on that email to your sister!

​Hey UO, I have lost a considerable amount of weight (250lbs down to 180) since 2008, I should be happy with my progress, but I have been stuck for 3 years of actively trying. My best advice to you, is just to cut back one thing at a time, repeat. For me, it was potatoes, and I could eat a plateful alone. Within 2 months, I cut down to 2 big tablespoon dollops. If you do it slowly, your body doesn't really recognize that you're eating less. At a buffet, I can barely eat 3 plates (in fact, I can barely eat 2, but I want my money's worth, so I force it!) I'm not going to preach, but if you (or if you're just reading this) want to know more how I did it, and timelines, hit me up.

​Emma, I swore I replied to you yesterday! Basically, yes, I have completely overhauled what I consume, and cut a lot of bad things out that I ate 10 years ago. Almost mirroring your comment. That is why I find it so frustrating at not seeing any results! Either way, keep talking and I'll keep listening.

Well Christie, that's brilliant, and shows that generally US medical thinking seems to in advance of the UK, except for my GP of course, who is a wonderful woman who also prescribed me oestrogen way before the normal protocols state. I did try quarters but they seem to crumble after cutting them in half, Finasteride is also much more effective when combined with testosterone blockers, in my case Decapeptyl. I hope to be able to dispense with wigs within the next 12 -18 months. Catch you later..........Eve

This has been bothering me for some time now, I have never felt as if I was born in the wrong body as many who have transitioned have. I have never really understood why I had it in me, or what caused me to want to transition to female. Sounds kind of daft to admit to that doesn't it, well it does to me anyway, I pretty much can't go back even if I wanted to, which I definately don't. After reading Becoming Drusilla, and Karen Paynes latest blog entry, it becomes ever more apparent to me, that signs of the female side of my self were there all along, from a reasonably early age, I just couldn't see it at the time. Was it social conditioning, or too much testosterone that hid my femme self? Perhaps both. I have had a number of girlfriends when I was in my late teens and early twenties, all of whom were good looking, yes I was quite choosey about that. More than one of them said to me that they had thought or dreamt of another of my male friends who was cross dressed, but the scary thing was that this other guy had the same first name as myself, and yes I was secretly cross-dressing at that time. Where they trying to broach the subject of cross dressing because they suspected me, and wanted to make it easier for me to talk about it? I always wanted to buy them what could only be termed tarty but sexy clothing, so I suspect it must have made them wonder why. There were earlier signs too when I was very young perhaps 5 or 6 years old, I came across an elder female cousins high heeled knee boots, leather jacket, and motorcycle helmet (She was in her late teens and had arrived at our house on her parents motorcycle and sidecar) I was truly attracted to them in my innocence, and put the on, although obviously they didn't fit, anyway I was clumping around in them when I was discovered, all the adults of course laughed, because they thought it was childish innocent play. In my later years I just thought that it was a fetish, perversion, or kink - call it what you will. I now know that there has always been a very female side to me ever since I was born, but I'm still unsure of why. I seemed to have a lot of very male traits in my early life and testosterone has ravaged my body, leaving me prior to coming out as Trans with a stocky, hairy, wide shouldered and narrow hipped body with male pattern baldness, not at all what most people (including myself at that time) would have thought of as Transgender material. Perhaps it was these factors that had kept my female self from becoming apparent to me at that time. Point is, that by reading the stories of others can help understanding of one's self (sorry for the Britishness) and in my case my evolvement to transitioning. Thank God others have trodden a similar path to me, before me, and have been bothered enough to record it. Thank you all, don't stop recording your path. Eve xx

Thanks for moving it Christie, I don't know how I managed to mess up the entry, apologies to all. Eve x

Emma, There would actually be something of a loop for me to write about dealing with my fears and doubts since so much of it is reading other people's blogs here Eve, Finasteride I think is fairly commonly prescribed here for both prostate problems and hair loss. My dr prescribed the 5 mg version, saying that he does that and then people cut them in half or quarters, it's cheaper that way.

Fantastic Christie, I'm so glad it's going so well for you, and that Finasteride doesn't seem as much of a problem as it can be with some GP Doctors over here. Funny coincidence is that my Electrologist is also a transwoman, not that you'd ever suspect it. Have a great week-end, look forward to hearing more progress from you soon. Eve x oops oxo!

Hi Christie, It also sounds to me like you've got a tremendous support system. And you're part of that too, of course. I like it that you're putting one foot in front of the other without rushing. Yes, HRT sounds like it's in your near term future. Thank goodness you have such a wonderful therapist and MD to talk to. I think it would be especially interesting to read about how you deal with your fears and doubts as you move toward and possibly into HRT. I know I would love to hear about that. hugs, Emma

[I originally posted this under the duplicate entry of this blog post, wanted to move it over here ] Eve, I'm so glad you shared this! I've felt very similar to you about this, and it's what fuels what remains of my doubts. I especially like that you talked about testosterone ravaging your body! I remember when I started to have body hair it truly grossed me out (honestly, even writing that phrase right now made me feel a little ill). I've worked very hard to get rid of most of it (waxing, then laser, now electrolysis for my face). It wasn't until I started cross-dressing a couple of years ago (thinking at first that it was a fetish) that I started to realize who I really am inside, and that my outside wasn't matching. xoxo Christie

Michel hereNever knowing if I shouldnt fight for my rights or if I should be a helpless damsel in distress. But I could never even give the perception of being helpless. Foolish at times, but not helpless.Got 9 more days on the lower level of hormones, and then the new beginnings will come on a higher level. Hope that the increase would give me the better part of not getting anymore migraines.I'm currently in that funk of solidarity. Yes, the 8 day migraine made me want to be left alone as it had the probability of 85% that I would end up with the pain dulling my senses by taking away my vision, which would end in me either having to sleep over or hoping that I get home safely.On a lighter note, seeing that I dont have anyone to play with or satisfying me. I now need to play with my own breast, yes my own boobs because I scare the crap out of men! How can a 5'8, 125Lbs female be scary. Okay Cynthia Rothrock is shorter and lighter and oh so scary if people know that she is a capable, more than capable of kicking the mens behinds without to much struggle.Now who wouldnt want to love my flat stomach. Do I care if my prime real estate isnt being picked up by any guys that view me as a good possibility. But I dont want another woman's man. As happiness cant be built on someone elses misery.

Hi Everyone. My name is Barbara Michelle and I have just joined this site. I live in New York State and am looking forward to making some new friends.

Hi Barbara, I'm new here too and exploring the site. I'm surprised (and a bit dismayed, frankly) that I see that almost three hundred have viewed your posting but you have not received any replies. You have a nice photo and I hope you're well up there in NY state. Probably starting to get cold there, no? I'm out in the SF Bay Area and it's getting a bit chilly here, but probably much milder overall. Be well, Barbara, and enjoy. You're a good person. Best, Emma

Hi RichLisa, I'm a little younger than you but not so much that it matters, so I think I can understand where you're coming from. I agree, too, that it seems late, and I often wonder where I'd be today (perhaps lots happier?) if I had taken MTF steps a few decades ago. But I didn't, and here I am today. My suggestion? Go find a therapist that you can connect with. They're not all the same, so talk to a few and see what you can find. And then, share your story with him/her, and see what turns up for you. I'll leave you with another story that you might find interesting. A 55 year old woman was talking to a friend. She said, "I've always wanted to become a lawyer, but shoot, if I started college today I wouldn't be one until my early 60s." Her friend counseled, "So, when you're 60 you can either be a lawyer or not; the choice is up to you." And then the woman saw that it was indeed her choice, and started applying to schools. I'm not saying you should start hormones, plan on surgeries, or anything. I'm just saying (and saying it to myself as well) that we owe it to ourselves to take each day as it comes and be ourselves. We all deserve love, respect, and acceptance. Best, Emma

I would love to start hormones but I am afraid of what a doctor would say.I am thinking of herbs.I am 49 and been wanting breasts for years.

HMU @ queenkevin01@live.com if you want a friend to talk to. Kurt

Andrew....I like what you had to say in your rant to teachers. I am also FTM. 8th grade. Read what you said about ACE wraps. They are dangerous. My Mom just got me a binder. Kurt

Yes. Same thing happening to me right now. I'm 64. I would go on hormones right now if it wasn't for what it would do to my wife. If you can do it ... I'm just saying I would.

I am just going to start with today’s events I have a whole lot that I need to do with the blog entries that I’ve made and yet put in. Starting with today, my day started out normal. My morning started with having to wait for my daughter’s boyfriend to bring his truck so I could move a utility trailer out of my front yard and thereby fall in conformance with land-use standards set forth here in Manatee County Florida. In the meantime I picked up the yard because the lawnmower man had arrived to do his weekly cutting. Shortly after he arrived I called my daughter, raised cain because her boyfriend wasn’t here, and as soon as I hung up with her and stepped out the door lo and behold who should arrive. The boyfriend. So he hooked up to the trailer, scooted it over to the east side of the house were we got it in the back were Manatee County can’t complain about it. I then got cleaned up and took my good-natured time getting my girl on. After doing the makeup which I think turned out rather well I picked out my outfit for today which is a light brown skirt a light brown Cammy, and a light brown jacket topped off by a dark brown neck scarf. I changed all my purse nature I had my money and my credit cards and out the door I went. I had a 4 PM appointment at GiGi’s nail salon with a Vietnamese sweetheart who’s never seen me dressed before but has worked on me twice. On arrival there I walked in the door and you could just see the surprised look on Helen’s face. She was finishing up another customer so I had to sit and look through Cosmopolitan Magazine without my real glasses on. Helen I spent the next 45 minutes, which for me was pure bliss because of the fact that none of the ladies that were in the shop took any notice of me other than the fact that I was another lady in there. Helen again complimented me on how good I looked as she continued to work on my nails. Once she completed the nails I paid my bill and and left my customary tip. The nicest thing about this trip was being in a shop full of ladies and never been recognized as anything but another lady getting her nails done. Helen also said have a good time tonight. From GG’s it was off to the house I had a feed the dogs let them out make sure that they were taking care of. Now it’s off the Sam’s Club right that some shopping to do and the gas tank fill up. I have a flight up north tomorrow and I’m contemplating flying “En Femme”. I just need to figure out how I can get to the airport without taking my car or having to have one of the family drive me there. That’s it for now I’ll let you know what else occurs tonight.