Leaderboard

Dear Mikah, Agree heartily with Eve and Christie! If I was not told, I would have assumed your picture was that of a cisgender female! You have beautiful hair, skin and smile! Mikah, you are welcome at my book club anytime! Please, I beg everyone, do not self-destruct in any way, as God made you beautiful women, inside and out! Your friend, Monica

I agree with Eve, from the picture you are very definitely passable! Being prompted by a question from a friend and then a TG book (within a day of each other) I started thinking about the question of what I think I'll look like. It must be fairly common to fantasize that you'll be a hot 20-something, but I don't think I can go from 48 yo man to that xoxo Christie

From what I see in your photo, after 2 yrs of HRT you are definately passable, and I wish my face was half as femme as yours ! Can't see how you wouldn't end up in a loving relationship with whichever gender you choose. Believe in yourself girl ! Eve.

Sometimes I wonder. I wonder what life would be like if I never got into drugs. If I had been content enough with my life that I didn't feel the need to party away everything that I had. Of course, I needed to learn the lesson that what little I have is precious and I need to take care of myself. I fell down that path of destruction because I didn't know that I was unhappy. I didn't even know what happiness was at the time. It always slipped by me, I didn't even know when I was happy. I wonder life would be like if I had learned to find happiness in my assigned gender. If I could have come to terms with being gay while working in a boy's club where the word "fag" is tossed around as something that is useless. If I still would have learned how to dance or if I would still be out at raves flailing about and pretending that I knew what I was doing. At least back then people looked at me with desire - now they only look at me with curiosity. I wonder. There's a lot that I am finding that I have to come to terms with right now. After 2 years of HRT... well, I don't really know what I was expecting. That I would eat some pills and like magic, poof - I'm 5'9", 130 lbs and beautiful! Nope... no. After losing 40 lbs I have discovered that I have too much muscle on me to be a skinny girl. Frak. I guess all that working out to try and be more masculine has finally paid off! (Gorram it). No, I'm still 6'1", 150 lbs of former man. My trans friends are so excited because they can't wait to be able to meet women as their real selves and I am so happy for them... and so jealous. While I have dabbled with the idea of being bisexual it is abundantly clear that I prefer men. I can not explain to them how hard it is to meet a man when I... well... will probably never be passable. The world of strait men is very, very different from that of bisexual and lesbian women. So I've started telling my friends that I am ready to die alone. Bleak, but - perhaps realistic. I wonder sometimes that if I had actually considered what I was up against at the time if I'd had changed my mind. My transition was the reason I sobered up but I can't help but think about if I had actually considered what I would end up looking like maybe I would have just been content with being a gay man. I would be miserable, but at least I would have a better chance at a partner that could comfort me in my dark days. BUT! It's really not all that bad. That's just my dark side talking, really - (s)he comes out every time I have my "hormone spike" (I name I have given my special time of the month. Is that a thing? It is totally a thing with me) and I have to just fight off all my insecurities. There's a lot that I have to be happy about. For starters I had a wonderful night of dancing tonight. I have been doing blues/fusion dancing for about a year now and it is really starting to click. I'm still quite shy at class but my following is really getting better. There's nothing quite like being held close by a lead and listening to his motions as he guides us through the music, letting me go to flow on my own every once in a while. I usually don't get to stay for the entire social dance because of work obligations but tonight I stayed until the house lights came on. I needed that tonight. Career wise - I had the opportunity to work on the world's first Transgender sitcom! Cast largely with transfolk as well. I was able to be more creative then ever as well as a camera operator and have assistants of my own instead of being an assistant. Words can not describe how amazing it was to not be the only trans person on set. Not to mention having scenes and characters that I could actually relate to! People even laughed at my trans-related jokes on set instead of just feeling uncomfortable ("is it okay if I laugh at that?")! So whatever. Frak it. When I made the decision to do this I was desperate. I was out of options, and after 10 years of living in the closet I was ready to give up. That night I had the option of either ending it all or trying to transition and seeing if that killed me. I decided that if I was going to die... it was at least worth trying to do this. I told myself that I didn't care what I looked like at the end and I told myself that I was ready to die alone if nobody wanted to be around me afterwards. At least I would be happy. I may not always be happy but at least I now know how to grab happiness when I see it. And you know what? I AM BEAUTIFUL! Fuck you insecurities, I'll just keep on keepin' on.

People have asked for my opinion about Caitlyn Jenner, and the Vanity Fair magazine, and all that stuff. First off, I am I am happy she can finally be herself. Secondly, I think she is beautiful on the cover of Vanity Fair. Ultimately though, I don't care and have no opinion. I didn't know who Bruce was before. The first time I heard that name, it was when they got into a car accident in Jan/15. That fact that Bruce won a gold medal or that he is associated with the Kardashians was something I just didn't know. I suppose if I had any other opinions, I don't think her journey reflects the average transition. She has money and can use it to pay for any surgery she wants without waiting for funding or saving up for it. However, the media doesn't care about that and tabloids are some people's only source for information. I think most cis people wouldn't do their research about transitioning to see what the true struggle is. Exposure isn't necessarily a bad thing, even if it's not completely accurate information because it at least gets people talking, and conversation opens minds to people who are not exposed to the topic at hand. Of course I would prefer it if accurate trans representation was more in the public view.

Since my mother and brother who live 3,500 miles from me have not seen Karen I went and got some photos done. Before are a few of the photos. For my mother and brother (both live in the same house) I had three pictures framed together. I elected to have the pictures taken with zero makeup so any and all flaws do show up and that is how I like it, natural.

What wonderful photos! You look gorgeous

So far I'm just doing this unofficially, I haven't started any legal name change yet - that will be daunting, but worthwhile I'm going to "live with" this for a while and see how it feels before taking that step (since it involves a legal proceeding)

I'm very happy for you Christie, hope it doesn't get too "full on" with your name change and doc's, it really did for me in December and January. Others have said they had an easy time of it, hope that'll be the case for you. Not sure of how it works in the US, but I pretty immediately had to change my name at HMRC (Income tax) too. If you drive whilst at work you will probably need to change your licence too? and so it goes on.......... Hugs, Eve

Eve and Karen, I do need to work on the hair - my current hair style is more feminine than what I used to have, but I'm not quite as good at getting it right as my stylist is Ideally it should sweep across and down, diagonally covering much of the forehead. I'll definitely get more alone time, especially now that summer is approaching! I typically spend a lot of time by the river when the weather is nice enough. And i always have a notebook with me, I know that writing out my thoughts helps me move past the initial thought and explore more deeply. Yesterday I initiated the change in my name at work. I told both of my supervisors, human resources, and a bunch of other staff members who i work regularly with. I knew I was going to, but hadn't really anticipated the level of anxiety it would cause during the day! On top of "upping" my make-up (adding lipstick and eyebrows), it was an interesting day. Fortunately I got a lot of very positive feedback from co-workers, so the day ended very very well xoxo Christie

Christie, My honest opinion is when I first looked at your picture I saw FEMALE staring back at me, no doubt in my mind. Now with that said I have to agree with Eve in that you need to fashion your hair in the front one way or another to complete the look. Perhaps next weekend if time and money allow with a comfort level go to a hair stylist, tell them about yourself and ask "what can you do with my hair to give it a female look?" My guess is, again as Eve indicated to drop the hair to cover your forehead. Get the right hair stylist and I truly believe afterwards people seeing you in public will not see a male but a female. And I will say it again, all I see is female On the note about alone time, sounds like it got some results be in positive or negative and remember one time is not enough, find time again and ask yourself these questions again and any new ones. You even might consider writing them down and your responses to the questions so that you can go back to them again and also bring them with you to a therapist appointment for a discussion point or two.

Hair that drops forward to cover the forehead! See my gallery and me in the restaurant in purple. You've already seen me in my black dress and pearls, see my hair - well my wig anyway! Eve xoxo