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I took some time off of work. It was wonderful. 11 days off. Spent a lot of time with my family and my children. So as with everything, it is just a fleeting moment, a "snapshot in time". I had to go back to work and my wife took the kids to her parents to FL to visit. Right off the bat, I MISS ALL OF THEM!! They left Sat morning, but I found myself in full meltdown mode on Sunday night. And I found myself seriously questioning transition. I cannot remember the last time I called "home" in tears. Nothing is stronger than the human bond. Anyways, I mentioned in previous blog posts that I've had these minor panics in the middle of the night. Mostly based on transition. I called my mom last night, because I knew that I needed it. She and I had the most frank conversation about being trans*, what it means, how "I feel". She still does not understand, but is very supportive, which I am so thankful for. Anyways, I told her that she, my sister and my family (my wife, kids and silly dog) are the most important people in my life. That when I started to take Estradiol, I started to think more clearly than I have for many, many years. And that I wish I wasn't this way, was having second thoughts of transition and that the death of my dad may have something to do with a lot of what I've been going through over the last 9 months. There are other things like losing my business of 8 years, working in DC and having to deal with a terrible commute and the stress of the job. Anyways, she encouraged me to talk with my wife and to think about what I want to do. I told her that my desire to transition was extremely strong, until HRT but that a cloud was lifted when I started HRT and that the Testosterone was causing me to be super aggressive and driven to transition, was gone. Make no mistake. I have been TG my whole life, but this is an adjustment not having T in my system. So, what I told her was that in a perfect world, I would have transitioned when I was child, but that did not happen. Instead, I learned to be male. Being male, versus female, has been such a big part of my life that it has screwed me up. I have learned to socialize as male versus female. This is a huge uphill climb for me. Anyways, there is a saying that, "getting old is not for sissies". Neither is transition. I will find my way at some point. On an up note, I talked to my mom about moving closer to me. She asked me if that is what I wanted and I said absolutely yes! Anyways, my hope is that by the end of next year, we can make it happen. She is one source of my panic. I am afraid of losing her and my sister. So I am hoping that the both of them will be able to move down. Sorry for the fatalistic, crazy diva dump, which is what I've felt like recently. This is hard stuff, it can be situational and very different for everyone. I am just thankful for my family and for the support that I've received here. I love you all and thank you for your love and support. Love and Blessings, Lisa

Veronica, thinking of shaving legs, my legs can go weeks w/o shaving them since being on hormones and to be honest don't miss it one bit, hey everyone is different

Dear Friends, First, I beg everyone to play safely. Secondly, as a cisgender woman who is a Lesbian, please be aware that everyone's sex drive differs, and can change at different points in their lives. When I was in junior high school/middle school as well as high school and even college, I could orgasm just by fantasizing, without even touching myself. I was practically jumping out of my skin! Noticed after I had a radical hysterectomy, that my sexual drive is next to zero, even though I am a romantic woman. Interesting, even though I was involved with my beloved AFTER my radical hysterectomy, I could orgasm just by kissing her, before even having sex with her! When I start getting serious with someone, before I even touch them, I share about my present sex drive, so that there would be no misunderstandings. Yours, Monica

Friends, As a cisgender woman, before menopause, I had to shave my legs weekly. Now, after menopause, I shave my legs once a month. Monica

Good to hear you are on your way to becoming who you are with the assistance of HRT and hair removal and best wishes on July 27th.

Warren, that sounds great! Awesome news! It's amazing how if the gov't views us the way we are, the way we present and how we want to be, everything just falls into place. Thank you for being so strong and being such a fighter.

Christie, you sound like you are well on your way! I started HRT and feel much better, but it is an adjustment emotionally. If you have any questions or need anyone to talk to, just message me. Even though there are a lot of similarities, all of our lives and stories are unique. Choose your path based on the best information available and have no regrets. You are "who you are" and are "where you are" for good reason.

So I cannot remember if I mentioned it or not, but my state just VERY recently approved the law which allows transgender folks to get a piece of paper signed by their doctors for their GENDER IDENTITY and bring it to their local DMV, to legally and without any further need for verification, CHANGE their gender on their drivers license Now, IMMEDIATELY when I found out about it I ran to the local library and paid the 50cents to print out a copy, and ran it to my doctor while pleasantly asking that she look it over and see if it's alright for her to sign it. It was incredibly hard not to beg her desperately while pleading on the floor for her to sign the damn thing, but I had to go off faith that she would understand. So I waited patiently and called the next day to see if she had a chance to read it over, but to my surprise she simply giggled and said "I glanced over it. I trust you. It's already signed but I'd like a copy for my own records so I can change your gender here as well." SO SHE FILLED IT OUT! So I had a very long day today. It started with running to the doctors to pick up that paper, then I ran to the hospital to pay off my late monthly fees (woman was cranky as hell, rude old brod) then I spent nearly half an hour at the pharmecy waiting for my prescripion (they accidentally filled the wrong one so I had to wait all over again). After that, my boyfriend and I drove about an hour to the "city" to our DMV to file said paperwork. I were there two hours....one and a half hour of that time was spent just waiting in line. While there some (possibly homeless or insane?) gentleman kept following me around and asking if I were going the direction he needed to get to. I explained I dont know my way around that particular city very well, and I were on a bit of a tight scheduel today so I couldnt give him a ride. (Mostly because I REALLY werent comfortable doing it. The guy seemed very strange....and OMGGGG did he REEK of urine!!!) This man fought with the DMV personnel for about an hour about what his name was, not knowing his address, mixing up his birth dates, etc....I kind of felt bad for him and attempted to find him a cab to get to where he was going, but the man were so whack-o I couldnt get him to stand in one spot long enough for the cabbie to pick him up. Oh well, I tried >.< ANYWAY, LIKE I WAS SAYING...................I AM NOW LEGALLY MALE!!! My driver's license will arrive in a few weeks, saying male, NOT female!! Now, what sort of puzzled me about it was my reaction. When I got my name changed it was incredibly liberating. I was practically dancing in the streets with joy from it, and it made me cry like a big baby who just got given a jar full of cookies for himself. But with the gender thing, yes it made me smile, but it was more like a shrug it off as if "okay, that's done. Finally!". More like a relief than a huge gift. Granted for me it IS a gift. A HUGE gift, considering 4 weeks ago it was not a possibility in my state. But it were not as jaw-dropping amazing as the name change. Nevertheless, I'm thankful!! On another note: I GOT THE JOB!!! Monday I go in and sign paperwork Which is why I were in such a hurry to get the gender change done, because it'll make paperwork less hectic. I werent sure what else to change quickly beforehand, and the Social Security office were closed so I couldnt do that today. So I'll just explain to my future-boss that it's a little complicated but nothing I cant smooth out soon. And although I have sadly had to dip into my surgery funds (not the gofundme one, some I had saved on my own) to pay for late medical bills, I'm glad that I'll soon be able to put more money back into it. On a side note, I'm also making more jewelry as I had attempted to earlier this year, and am slightly more hopeful for it. I've started a paypal account, and making products not only because I'm bored, but it seems to soothe me a little. Helpful I guess. Anyway, that's it for now. Much love, Warren

​I always write with zero preparation ahead of time when writing entries, they just flow out at the very minute I have an idea but always attempt to write a title that will attract attention to entice people to read what I have written. My goal always is to pass on what I think might benefit others, nothing more, nothing less. I am sure at some point I will have little to say (oh, my I have 150+ entries so far) and hope that others hear will be vocal and share their wisdom as each of us will tell different tales and there will be intersecting point which again help others who follow us. ​I suspect you still have much to offer At least I hope so! One of the great treasures of this website is being able to read about people who are at all different points in transitioning

Happy Monday good people! On Friday I went and had my tests done for HRT. Assuming they all come through ok then I'm on my way, my next appointment with the endocrinologist is August 6 (though if they notify me before that that everything is ok I might try for an earlier appointment). My sense of peace and contentment grows by the minute! Currently it's just the possibility that something will come back negative on the tests that causes me any anxiety. Electrolyis is going wonderfully! I've had 6 or 7 sessions now, and the change is already very noticeable. When I shave in the morning there is so much less to shave! I think we're 4 or 5 sessions from doing the initial clearing. I had done some at-home laser before starting, so that might be making it go a little quicker. My electrologist also gave me a good pointer on working with my voice this past week, so I spent some time over the weekend practicing at home (it takes a little effort to not feel weird talking to myself, so I start out talking to the cat, because that's perfectly normal!) On Saturday I put on my new wig and decided to leave it on the rest of the day to start getting used to it. It was fine until I ate dinner. I hadn't pinned it at all, so that's when it started to slip off. I think put in a few bobby pins and that seems to secure it nicely. I'm going to try working with wig tape as well. I had planned to "unveil" myself as a woman on July 27 (the Monday after I'm off of work for a week), but electrolysis is making me think twice. I'm still at a point where I have to not shave a couple of days before each session, and I'm not sure how I feel about how I'd look wearing a wig with stubble. I'll play with that next week when I'm off and see. I do plan next week to wear the wig out as much as possible! xoxo Christie

WTG.

Lisa, you should never have to be sorry here for as you call it a diva dump as this is one place to do it. Having listening to many on the path to transitioning you are no different then the majority out there so feel good about that whether you question yourself or not as this is better now than later so do the questioning now. As I have told others get to a calming quite place and be true to yourself, that is going through your mind asking questions and also writing them down, why I should transition and why I should not transition and always be truthful.

​I always write with zero preparation ahead of time when writing entries, they just flow out at the very minute I have an idea but always attempt to write a title that will attract attention to entice people to read what I have written. My goal always is to pass on what I think might benefit others, nothing more, nothing less. I am sure at some point I will have little to say (oh, my I have 150+ entries so far) and hope that others hear will be vocal and share their wisdom as each of us will tell different tales and there will be intersecting point which again help others who follow us.

Generally Speaking No matter if you CIS, Trans, Gay, Lesbian, Bi, Queer. All of us went through the phase of exploration. Be it to discover your gender or sexuality or which careers we wanted to follow, because you don't look, behave or think like everyone else you talk to. Sometimes, not even your parents have an answer for you, make that most of the times. And when you finally got an answer from somewhere, it takes us all different timeframes to accept or initiate the change we so desired from a young age, but we just didn't understand. NOW WE HAVE ME, A TOTAL 180 DEGREES FROM MOST PERSONS I knew who and what I was, even if I didn't have a name for it as a child. If you looked at the major age gap between my father and I, but I can definitely say 54 years age difference wasn't big at all. We understood each other, although at times some of the questions asked were formulated for a different era. I wasn't judged or ridiculed by him. He rather taught me, a human being never mind being female or male should be capable of respecting each other and being respected by others, and his children should be capable of taking care of themselves as we should be independent. But not afraid to ask for assistance when we don't know. And that's why we have each other. We perfectly paired off as sibling, each with their own strengths and weaknesses in our individual groups, or unified. So as a child of four years old, I already had the discussion of me having the big surgery to align my body with my brains and feelings. Yes I was advanced in certain areas and others I just refused to act my age. I remember wishing and praying that I would be changed before I go to school or become a grown up. I remember begging to be changed before high school. But nothing happened, where my dad was my rock, my mom always seemed to be blocking my every move, she is more reluctant to understand, but she is 17 years younger then my dad. And if it was due to pain, it's mine not hers and I have decided to pursue my happiness not someone else's. Not like I've ever asked her permission to be myself. Because I knew whatever would happen to me, my mother would tell me it's because I'm refusing to abide by her rulesrules and that of society. Screw that, I was taught to live my life for me as long as I have respect, but never bow down or out. That's why I've always been closest with my father and oldest sister. I think he understood because of his Native American heritage. My dad would defend me by saying that I knew a lot more then other children, that I'm not confused or indoctrinated, and that a child can't want the same thing for decades and be confused. My goals were kept from me the day my father left his corporeal being for the spiritual world to watch over us. Yes, I do believe in different plains of existence. But I re-iniated when I was old enough, softening the blow of my completeness. I've always been allowed to be myself, free from the binding of normal life. Free to explore if my heart so desires. Free to be the women I have always been. I've almost been a closet case, but my teachings and integrity which my dad taught me was important to me always came out. Now, I hear the question coming from all corners. If he lived, why didn't he allow the change early? Well, answer is easy, his five foot tall wife was the one that always stood in the way of my happiness to change. Another question looming, must be... If she was the one to prolong everything in your life, do you love her as your mother? Obviously yes, but because of her and some of my siblings, I grew colder at times. None responsive and well primarily more of a loner, knowing that I don't need anyone to be happy, but I would still love to have a child. But I fear the irreparable damage some parent have on their children, and would I be that closed minded as my mother. She knows, but do I care about approval, not in a million years. I have always been loved for being me, the girl I am inside and presenting to the world. Would I change for anyone, YOU MUST BE CRAZY NOW!!! Now who know me better then me.

I have written multiple times about dilation in regards to lots of lube and yes, pain. Recently, five months after reassignment surgery I am down to a drop of lube the size of a quarter and finding intimate encounters are much better than dilation. When one has intercourse for at least 15 minutes this counts to one session of dilation. I am 90 percent into females and the remainder into couples. I became friends with a couple that had nothing to do with sex but after time did and do enjoy a threesome. The upside to using less lube is Takes less time to dilateMuch less time to clean upFeels good to push a dilator inside seamlessly.For me, I have an excess of lube.So for those taking this journey I want you to know it does get better even though the first month or so you will want to quit which does you no good as things will close up and be left with no opening. Another thing I have noticed is there is more moisture and natural lubrication especially when aroused. I am still waiting for the ability to have a complete orgasm where at this point it's fairly intense and last a long time but feel it's not fully there yet and have heard from others it take between eight and twelve months.

Dear Warren Esquire, Really glad your life is changing direction in a way that YOU wanted it to, I hope your new job goes well. Cheers, Eve

Hi Lisa, As Karen has said questioning yourself is pretty normal, and in the middle of the night, how similar to my experience, I used to worry and question myself with "What the hell are you doing?", only it gets less and less as time has passed. Now, I don't worry anymore about gender I'm just Eve, me and myself (and as Veronica has said so acurately you are a singularity, oh and do not confuse or associate that with being a freak ,as so many ignorant morons do so glibly). I didn't worry about being male much before I transitioned, I'd had years of practice being male, but I just wanted to be female LoL. Similarly after a bit of practice being (or perhaps appearing might be a better term) female I don't worry about it anymore. I hope that this helps you, Cheers, Eve

I mentioned in my last blog entry that my wife and I were going to attend the annual "Sparkle" event in Manchester, and we did on the 11th July. There were all sorts from the totally convincing and beautiful, to the not so convincing just out for a bit of fun over the week-end. The event was held at Sackville Gardens, which is located opposite Manchesters Canal Street which is the heart of their Gay Quarter. There are numerous bars along tree lined Canal Street with outside patio seating next to the canal. The following photo's are of an amazing Manchester Police car, the emergency lights were all the colours of the rainbow! The police had their own stand at the event manned by L & G officers, showing just how inclusive Manchester society has become. The other photo's are of my wife, two of my best friends and myself enjoying a drink in a very nice pub called Molly's. I don't know why the photo's have displayed in reverse order ! I hope that the rest of you TG members also had a good week-end.......................... Cheers, Eve

Try epilating, I use a Braun silk epil, the results last longer than shaving and the regrowth is not spikey as it is when you shave. A little bit painful at first in some areas, notably upper inner thighs and arm pits, but after you've suffered the pain a couple of times it's a lot easier. i used to have a hairy chest, but the regrowth now is amazingly less and an epilation there lasts for 3 weeks or so, and is now very limited to the area between my boobs. Cheers Eve

Dear Eve and Veronica, Wow! Are you guys way ahead of the game! Hope ALL police departments learn a lesson, because the secret of stopping crime is PREVENTING crime! Couldn't help but notice "The Universal Language Centre," which gave me a chuckle, because in the Spiritual Realm, when a person is forming the thought/words to which they are going to say, they are unknowingly speaking the Universal Language. Languages as we know them on Earth, do not exist, except for special circumstances, as everybody speaks the Universal Language. Very rarely does Spirit communicate out loud or by even moving their lips, as they communicate in the Universal Language. Am assuming, of course, that this is a language school, which are very popular in NYC. Your friend, Monica

Emma, I hope that you are okay. I haven't heard from you in a while and miss hearing from you. Love, Lisa

I've been doing hour long sessions, that and the prior laser treatment might explain the difference. For the next 2 weeks my schedule should allow for me to let it go a little longer before the sessions, so she should be happy with that It's funny that it definitely does hurt, but I seemingly don't care - I've never once asked her to stop for a break, and I'm always disappointed when the session ends! I don't think my pain tolerance is that high, on the other hand I have gotten 4 tattoos, so perhaps...

I meant to add that your choice in subject line was wonderful, I couldn't pass up an entry titled "keeping the vagina as it should be"

Hmmmm stubble's a bu**er...........isn't it? I just don't shave on the morning of my appointment, so there's not much growth to be seen. My electrologist also complains about the shortness of my facial hair, but I have appointments at work and so forth, that I have to attend on the previous day, & I don't want to do a convincing impersonation of the bearded woman ! I'm amazed at the quick progress that you seem to be having, I have been attending half hour sessions most weeks for over a year now, it seems to be a very gradual process, but it seems to be a lot less tougher than it used to be, and moustache has all but dissapeared..............double g, by the way LoL. Good luck with the hormone tests. Cheers, Eve

Karen, I strongly second Veronica's comments, I had been trying (subconciously) to compartmentalize my gender and sexuality "issues." Part of my thinking (when it popped up into the conscious) was that I didn't want sexuality to impact my decision-making in terms of proceeding on this journey. But of course it is relevant whether I choose to actively think about it or not! I think now that I'm in a much more comfortable place in terms of transitioning it's easier to let it go. What's also interesting is the sense that my sexual orientation is (possibly, probably?) shifting. Previously I considered myself a "gay male" with some slight bisexual interests. As I move along in this transition I can see the possibility of being completely bisexual. One hypothesis (I won't misuse "theory" like the religious right likes to do with it's creationist "theory") is that as I see myself more and more as a woman it's easier to imagine being in a relationship with another woman, someone I can better relate to. That's speculation though :-) At this moment the idea of dating and/or sex is barely, if at all, on my radar. Thank you again for another informative post! xoxo Christie

Thanks Karen this helps me to get the "ducks in line before shooting them", sometime in the future. Sexuality? I must confess that I'm becoming confused with the passing of time, in so much that, seemingly to me, my preferences are not so black and white as they used to be. I don't think that this anything that I either regret or applaud, it's just something that seems to be happening, I doubt that I'll ever do anything positive about it either, least not whilst I remain happily married. Cheers, Eve

Warren, Congratulations on all of this! You certainly deserve some good things happening Good luck with the new job# Christie

Warren, The gentleman you referred to probably was a drunk or had dementia. You were wise not to give him a ride because it seemed like he did not know his own address. Hope that somebody at DMV had a heart and contacted adult protective services. Congratulations, young man! Monica

Thank you Karen <3 Warren

That is so wonderful that you got this done, congratulations Mr. Warren

I really never expected this. When I first started out in this journey I told myself that I didn't care what I looked like in the end. I didn't care if people always saw me as a man who wants to be a woman. At least I would be honest. At least I was being me. I could finally let go of the pain of lying and projecting myself as male that I held onto for so long like some kind of comfort blanket... made of rabid raccoons - That kept me safe... in an emotionally scarring sort of way. "I keep telling you, nothing's wrong - I always look this intense." For a long time that was the truth. Some days were better than others in the beginning. Some days I felt I passed and other days I felt like people could see right through my wig and my makeup for the drag queen that I was. As time went on and the hormones took their toll on my face and body I actually started to feel less passable. It felt awkward but at least it still felt right. Looking back on it, the looks everybody gave me probably weren't them saying to themselves, "what a freak," like I thought they were - it was probably them being genuinely curious about my gender. "Why yes! This is my natural colour!" Looking back on a journal entry from early in my transition I remember myself stating that I wasn't sure about going all the way - that being androgynous would be enough. Funny that when I finally made it there it felt so wrong. Fear is a strong thing and I think that was my way of coping with the fact that I might not have been able to look like a woman - coupled with the fact that for a while I wasn't able to unsee my male self when I looked in the mirror. When people looked at me funny, curious about my existence, I just wanted them to see me as another girl in the street. My hair had gotten long enough (and thick enough) and I was so sick of the uncomfortable wigs that I stopped wearing them. I started to look not really one gender, not yet the other. "Just guess what you're looking at. No pressure!" Recently I was beginning to notice that the attention was waning. Something in me started to panic. Maybe it's because I had gotten used to people's stares, I'd gotten used to room full of people who would take turns staring at me until it seemed like everyone had done it at least once. I didn't even realize that people stopped looking because they no longer register me as anything other than... female. Wrapping my head around this is a little weird! Maybe it's because I thought it would never happen and for a while my inferiority complex (still lingering from trying to live as a man) wouldn't let me believe that I was being seen as a woman. The only time looks linger now is because they think I'm cute! The smiles people give me aren't sinister - they're genuine. New people don't do the double-take that they once did when I walked up to them. Chatting in a cafe just today when I brought up anything trans related my friend would lean in and whisper as though no one else in the coffee shop needed to know. It was our little secret and she looked so excited for me! "Why yes, I would like to show more leg!" Now I need to decide what to do with this. Two years ago I told myself that I would move out of town, change my name and start a new life if I was ever able to go stealth. But with all the support and new friends I've made I can see that was a decision made purely out of fear. I've already decided that being passable is going to work a lot to my advantage but in my career and in my life I really want to get into trans support and trans rights. Why vanish when I could do much more by being visible? Apparently being passable is helpful in that regard and while I don't think that's right on society's part I want to do what I can to change the general public's viewpoint. Somehow. Slowly, surely. Let's see what happens now.