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Recently I was invited to perform at a spoken word event for young black people in South Eastern CT. The title and theme of the event is : In My Skin. I was invited because though I am new to the Spoken word scene, I caught the eye of a fellow performer whom wanted to share my story. We'd performed two months ago at a school event and she enjoyed my piece as much as I enjoyed hers. The event is not for another month and I'm nervous about getting up in front of strangers to share either of the two pieces. the first is about being a mixed race kid raised in a white suburb and how that didn't matter to me until I learned how to be black. the second piece is about what it's like to be a gay black/white trans male and about the stereotypes I fall into.. I have a month to practice. The first piece aptly called "How to be Black." is radical if only for what it says.( My pride in being the best of both cultures, white and black.) The second named, 'In My Skin.' is about how being black doesn't really matter to other trans people, bu being trans matters to other black men. It's about catching the cold shoulder. It's about being gay and getting passed over for dates. it's not all negative. it's actually a little funny so far, and I wrote it just for the event. I'll share them when I'm done. Three more weeks until my Endo visit. August 18th can't get here soon enough.

I feel much better. It took me a couple of days to emerge from the mental crater left behind from my meltdown a week ago. Work and a business trip, took my mind off of things for a while. It was the perfect medicine for what ailed me which I knew would be the case. I had to buy sports bras because running has become painful. 2 for $20 from Costco. Breasts are a pain in the a$$, but I'll take them. Lol! I am almost a size B which is crazy. My left breast is growing faster than my right. I don't want them to get too big. I like to exercise quite a bit, so they just get in the way. Plus being big breasted makes it harder to find dresses. I can always add padding if i need to. Work is getting better. I finally feel like I am starting to fit in after 2.5 years at my current job, lol! My wife did tell two close family friends, who go to our church and are the godparents to our kids, that I am trans*. My wife said that they were supportive, which is good news. Not sure other members will feel the same. Thank you for all of your love and support! I cannot do it without you all. I hope that you have a glorious week. Love and Blessings, --Lisa

Thank you all for the feedback. I feel much better. I found myself doubting myself again today, but it was very fleeting. It typically is fleeting. I think that a lot of it is triggered by the unknown. This will take me time to get used to. Right now my breasts are sore and growing like gangbusters. Lots of changes, mentally and physically. Just trying to take it in stride. What I most like about all of this, is my personality. I am so much more of a humble person now and laid back. Other than those crazy moments, I am the opposite of a drama queen. Very even keeled. Not having the T in my system has overall lowered my anxiety, aggressive behavior. I've always been a gentle person and soul, but I am much more calm and understanding. I really like that! It just suits my personality and I feel like I belong to the human race for the first time in my life.

Thanks for sharing and the best of wishes for a flawless presentation(s).

Bunch of things I like to get out there but are too short really for multiple blog entries Went for a long overdue pedicure yesterday where I always have a good time. My lady told me that not only my facial features were female but complimented me on my overall physical appearance and said that all the ladies that work there agreed. Now I was going to get a color matching my fingernails but decided on French nails for my toes after seeing the customer next to me up until one of the other employees sat down next to me and got the color shown above and let me tell you it became a struggle similar to being indecisive like many of my mornings are after picking out what to wear five million times. Since I could not make the decision two of them said I should get this color as they said my eye's really opened up after seeing this color and let me tell you the photo does not do the color here justice. One of the things I had to be concerned with un-like in my prior identity was to figure out how to weaponize myself (some say I am a weapon lol) when wearing little to nothing as in this image below, Since there are no pockets I found myself what is called a paddle holster which slips on, in this case to my skirt and when using the restroom can be easily detached and placed either besides me or on the toilet paper dispenser. Some days I do miss not having pockets but with a little ingenuity it all works out being concealed by a loosely draped cardigan. We all would like to believe that violence will not come to you but sadly trans* and gay etc are much more susceptible to violence then the cis-gender people and in my honest opinion better to be safe than sorry. Next item, over the past month I have been getting the strangest cravings, first, about three weeks ago got into kitkat candy were I can't even begin to remember the last time I had one, maybe 20 years ago. After a week and about four extremely large packages the urge died. Last week an this week it's potato chips, have to force myself from not dipping into them first thing in the morning, oh how I can't wait until this passes. Yeek, now I know how pregnant woman feel. Then there is a glorious event, I have gone (in the beginning) from gobs of lubricant for dilation to cutting it in half then cutting it in half again to zero lubrication jelly to smearing it on my middle finger and I can slide the large dilator right in. Matter of fact if I open my legs the dilator will slowly pop out unlike a month ago it would stay in place. So with that I have three eight oz and six four oz containers of lubrication jelly that is going to take forever to go through now. Lastly, getting ready to head off to my electrolysis session for work on my underarms. Thought I would not worry about this area but since breast augmentation it's almost impossible to shave at the lower-area to get all the hairs. Last month was the first time for this and we agreed to work the majority on one side. Any ways can't wait till this is done

Thanks for your thoughts Monica!!!

Dear Lisa, Just to let you know, women's breasts are seldom exactly the same size (although mine were, before I had a biopsy the size of an egg removed from my left breast at 9 O' Clock, where my breast contacts my left arm). Interestingly, the last two months my breasts suddenly enlarged (along with other bodily changes), before the hot weather started, and my nipples became very tender. Am post menopausal, and I do have annual mammograms (thank God, clean). Saw the doctor last Monday, for a complete physical and blood workup, and I will let you know what she has to say. Would suggest you invest in some sleeping bras, as they will help you get a good night's sleep. Wish they had them in my size! LOL! Your friend, Monica

Dear Karen, First the toes! ABSOLUTELY love that color and design! Glad you received feedback from other women as they can see your facial expression while you look at various colors and designs, thereby cluing them into what looks good on you. Obviously, you can't see your own facial expressions, so it is good to shop with women whose fashion savvy you can trust. About weapons in the restroom. Think it would be safest to place them on the tank of the toilet or on top of the toilet paper dispenser, rather than on the floor. My philosophy is that if I feel the need to carry a weapon to be somewhere, then I shouldn't be there at all. About cravings . . . when I feel a craving, I try to go without indulging eat for two or three days, and, if the craving is still there, then, what the *el*, I'll indulge it! Sometimes I will psychoanalyze myself, and ask myself, what is going on in my life? Personally, I do not allow potato chips, soda (not even diet), hot dogs, etc., in the home, but, I must confess, even though I have cut back, I still enjoy various forms of chocolate in the home! Interesting, even though I have cut back on salt, fat, and sugar, I have noticed that my body shape has changed (my chest has lost inches, my bra cup larger, waist gained six inches yet lost pounds). All my life, my chest and waist sizes were the same. For the first time in my life, they are not. Have seen my doctor about it last Monday. What concerned me the most, is that this happened rather suddenly, even before the hot weather hit. Have heard women's bodies change through the lifespan, but not suddenly, say, within two months. Had a complete physical and blood work done, and will let you know what she says. Karen, we DO live in changing times. Today I would not live in Sheepshead Bay, Brooklyn, especially as a single woman. Am amazed how much gratuitous violence I am seeing in NYC and other large cities, for no reason, at all. According to my best friend, my old neighborhood is no longer recognizable. In your case, you do not "look" Gay. BUT, you are an attractive lady, that looks years younger, and there are troubled men who resent/hate women to watch out for. To sum up, WE MUST LOOK OUT FOR ONE ANOTHER. Your friend, Monica

Hi Lisa, As Karen has said questioning yourself is pretty normal, and in the middle of the night, how similar to my experience, I used to worry and question myself with "What the hell are you doing?", only it gets less and less as time has passed. Now, I don't worry anymore about gender I'm just Eve, me and myself (and as Veronica has said so acurately you are a singularity, oh and do not confuse or associate that with being a freak ,as so many ignorant morons do so glibly). I didn't worry about being male much before I transitioned, I'd had years of practice being male, but I just wanted to be female LoL. Similarly after a bit of practice being (or perhaps appearing might be a better term) female I don't worry about it anymore. I hope that this helps you, Cheers, Eve

Lisa, you should never have to be sorry here for as you call it a diva dump as this is one place to do it. Having listening to many on the path to transitioning you are no different then the majority out there so feel good about that whether you question yourself or not as this is better now than later so do the questioning now. As I have told others get to a calming quite place and be true to yourself, that is going through your mind asking questions and also writing them down, why I should transition and why I should not transition and always be truthful.