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So this week has been an 'up and down' sort of week. Frustrations at work and generally getting annoyed at how I look has been the story of the week. One of the things I do enjoy though is getting out on my lunch break and taking photo's around the city, those little things that people generally walk past daily and fail to notice. So I have been out doing that. I will upload some photographs in the coming weeks. I've also managed to find myself a quiet place where I can go and get a coffee and generally be ignored and watch the world pass by. I suppose I should add a little more about me, so this is taken from my profile page on another site: I am a transgender female who will not be transitioning anytime in the near future. There I said it!For FAQs see bottom of profile!After a number of incidents in my childhood, which I let define me for too long I was fortunate enough to find someone who actually loves me for being me, and someone I could equally love back.I have had a lot of friends go through transition and lose their families and loved ones as a result. It would be psychologically detrimental for me to do that, having spent so long being neglected.Having spent so many years trying to be something I wasn't I legally changed my name to give me more of an androgynous feel and to help me be who I am on the inside.Educationally I am due to begin my Masters program shortly but as well as the more serious subject matter I have also taken night classes in Skin Care, Beauty and Make Up as well as dress making. My guilty pleasures are Art Galleries and Fashion Magazines.I am also a big fan of Twitter and more can be gleaned about me from https://twitter.com/TGcharlotte if you really must.Having moved from the UK, where I used to go out in Manchester I now find myself living in what I consider to be the best place in the world.It hasnt been an easy journey in my 40 years but I am now moderately at peace with myself.Obviously I still have those bad days but I have learnt to enjoy life as me.I am happy to support newbies so please feel free to message me.And that's just about me other than the regulatory 5'11 hazel eyes and bergundy hair Take care and be safeC.xoxoFAQs.Am I full time?I am a female in the wrong shaped body. I am full time in terms of being a human being who just happens to be female. Please understand, clothes are just clothes, wearing women's clothing doesn't make me a woman, my brain has first call on that.Do I like Men?No, I am not sexually attracted to men at all. I like women, confusing I know but try being me, or my wife, how do you even begin to define that relationship other than its a loving one.What will you talk about?Fashion, music, social and behavioral psychologyWhat won't you talk about?Anything to do with sex, sport or car engines

Quick update - I did get my prescription yesterday, and was able to pick it up and start taking it yesterday I almost flipped out at my doctor - when I went in to meet with him he pulled up my therapist's letter - FOR THE FIRST TIME! I had sent it over a month earlier, and it was just one short paragraph. The problem was that he started saying that he would like something more detailed, and I was afraid that would hold up the prescription. It didn't, he gave that to me anyway. So delay averted. He said that he's starting me slowly, so that I might not even notice the emotional changes as they happen. But he's a man, so what does he know. I'm hoping that sleep will return tonight. That last 2 nights I haven't been able to because of the excitement. I go back in about 8 weeks after getting blood work done again to see how it's going.

Charli, I love your photo! You have beautiful skin and hair!

Dear Eve, Chuckled when you mentioned a leather mini-skirt. Decades ago, in the 70's, I bought a beige suede leather mini-skirt, but because my parents were ultra-conservative (I was wearing my dresses six inches below my knees! LOL!), I could only wear it at home, even though all the other girls were wearing mini-skirts at school. This was in upstate New York (Wappingers Falls). It is amazing, even in a city like NYC, that there IS a dress code for how ladies should dress! Yours truly, Monica

Congratulations, woo-hoo. In regards to emotional changes, it takes a while for this to happen and is usually a gradual change. Also, starting out on a small does is really best so they can monitor the effects of the hormones on your body and mind.

Dear diary, so I appear to have been marooned on to this island somewhere in the Southern Hemisphere. Although there are tracks from other people it appears that I am still alone here. OK so a slightly dramatic entrance to the world of blogging, but I have been asked to try and avoid the self deprecation and trans-angst which is all too apparent in our own lives. So to help with my own therapy, and to avoid triggering depressive thoughts to others I will try and avoid getting in to myself too much. Of course there will be times when I am seriously, those times when I can't look in to the mirror and see me, or when I pass a window reflection and get confused at the 'other' person looking back, but I promise to try and keep it light and interesting when I can. My aim is to write on a weekly basis, talking about some of the things I have seen whilst making my way through a life which won't involve full transition or GRS; a kind of half life if you wish. Anyway, that's enough of an introduction. Read more as the week's progress and you'll probably get an idea about who I am and what my interests are. If you've dropped by and clicked to read, then thank you. I hope I have pricked some interest and I am honoured you have taken the time to read this far. Take care and be safe C.xoxo

Charli, Hiya, I Am Steph. I Am in Aylesbury, in Buckinghamshire, in the UK. I Am 14 Week's "Out" as MtoF Transsexual ! The Fact that You are Happy being You, and have a Loving Wife, is All that matters, apart From Your Health. If You have Good Health, that is Good ! Your Photograph is Lovely. Like You, I Am 5'11" Tall; with Hazel Eyes. I Am a UK Size 12, and have Dark Brown Hair, in A Pony Tail. I Wish You All The Very Best For The Future, I hope All goes Well for You. Take Care, Regards, Stephanie.

Dr Brassard hasn't retired. That was his predecessor, Dr Menard who retired and left the clientele to Dr B. Dr Bélanger and Dr Brassard work together. It's a shame options for transitional surgeries are limited. I hoped there were more options too. The surgical work and immediate aftercare from Montreal was very good. Better than a lot of other places. Longer term after care (for non Quebecers ) has been difficult for some people. i went to the US for a top surgery that OHiP wouldnt cover and basically lost all the money I spent on it after the surgery failed, and the Dr wouldnt provide what I felt was an a acceptable and fair revision process. I went to a different surgeon in the US Nd had good results with the repair of the first one. We're a small and vulnerable minority, so sometimes we're sidelined or ripped off, and other times treated quite well. We just have to keep doing our best research and sharing what we learn with each other to protect ourselves. Thank you for your article.

I really hope that the estrogen resolves my gluten-intolerance. I know it's unlikely, but I can hope (I want real pizza!!!) Eve, absolutely nobody is asking you to shut up forever - or at all!!! What it all comes down to for me - and this isn't just wardrobe, but across all aspects of my life - is being authentically me. Now since I'm a woman, that means being a woman, but I try not to be driven by that thought. (that seriously made sense in my head, but writing it out it suddenly doesn't - but i'll leave it in case it means something to anyone else). And I think I'm in agreement with everyone on one major angle of all of this - to the extent that someone is dressing a particular way because they want to look like a 20-something girl (assuming they're not), then that's something to be raised in therapy. That's a case where the person is probably not being their authentic self. Similarly, as Eve mentioned, if you're trying to look like what your male self thought a woman should look like, you're probably not being authentic to yourself (sorry for the endless "probably's," I try to avoid absolute statements). I should probably (ahh! there it is again!) add that my wardrobe is, in fact, fairly conservative. It's more colorful than my male wardrobe was (a good amount of pink), but still what most people would probably identify as moderate to conservative. Ann Taylor is my goal store If anything I can imagine my wardrobe getting a little more vibrant as my body starts to "look right" (I do own leather mini-skirts, but I've only ever worn them doing drag - and I don't so much care for boots of any height, I like shoes that are easier to take off) xoxo Christie

Last entry, I promise and I'll shut up forever after. Christie, I recall friends telling me to tone down my dress sense when I first started out on my journey, because I wouldn't "fit in", I too cringed at that point in time, I thought that dressing the way I did was a major driver behind who I had become, I remember saying that "I don't want to look like someone elses mum". Change was inevitable, oestrogen changes all sorts of things, not all of which are physical, I have already commented in one of my earlier blog entries "things I didn't see coming" about my taste buds having changed, i.e., no longer liking beer and unable to eat hot chilli flavours without my tongue catching fire, taste in dress sense is also something that changes. When I look back Isee now that when I first starting dressing in female attire, I was dressing as my male self thought a female should dress, yes I was envious of the opposite gender being able to wear short skirts revealing tops and long boots. But not many women actually wear that sort of attire every day, maybe for a party or to see a band or similar occassionally, but not to go to the supermarket, or out for a days shopping, or out to visit a tourist attraction. Wearing those sort of clothes is bound to attract attention and close scrutiny, which is uncomfortable, which is why most women don't often wear that sort of attire. To look authentic, in my view is "to fit in or blend in", view it as camoflage, now if in NYC women do wear leather mini skirts, revealing tops and thigh boots, my wearing them might blend in with the background (except I'm probably too old now). But over here it is not the case unless in circumstances that I have already described. I think it boils down to do you want to look like a real woman, or do you want to look like what your male self has thought a woman should look like for all those wasted years? It took me a long time to realise this two and a half years with oestrogen, followed by another 8 months of oestrogen combined with testosterone blockers, they are indeed as Karen has said in one of her past entries, "a game changer". Cheers, Eve

I'm sitting here at work trying to focus on work, but far too distracted by the thought that tomorrow at 2:30 I have my next endocrinologist appointment! This is the one where I will (hopefully) get my HRT prescription(s). In the back of my mind is the fear that I'll get there and they'll say something is wrong and I can't do it. My therapist has done an admirable job trying to make me not worry about that. She pointed out that they hopefully would have contacted me already if there was a problem. That sounds right, but i doesn't completely extinguish the fear. She also earlier mentioned that the blood work was more for determining appropriate levels, not as much (or at all?) as a screening mechanism. So again, hopefully that's true :-) As for the "big" question, there is absolutely no doubt in my mind that this is the right thing. Anything that I had earlier that may have been doubt (but was more likely fear disguising itself as doubt - fear is a tricky little bastard) is gone, gone far away. One recent thing that confirms it is something I observed in the rest room the other day. As I was washing my hands I looked in the mirror and realized that I'm actually happy about how I look. This isn't narcissism, far from it, I don't think I'm "hot," I'm just happy about how I look. Go back a couple of years and that was absolutely never the case. A friend of mine once observed that I had no mirrors in my apartment, aside from the bathroom mirror. It was never a conscious thing, but it was true that I just wouldn't buy them, I didn't want to see myself! 22 1/2 hours to go :-) xoxo Christie

Tara, Thank you so much for sharing - it was incredibly interesting! Especially as I'm moving towards HRT shortly (in the next few weeks) and am starting to think seriously about GRS. Reading about personal experiences is so incredibly helpful (recognizing that everyone's experience is a little different). xoxo Christie

A highly informative blog, good to be informed of your thoughts and feelings as you felt them (telling it as it is!), please post more.