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My Saturday, August 8th, 2015....Shopping with Isabelle... It seems that every time I go out I get a little more gutsy... The first Friday of every month I attend a group meeting here in Gatineau with fellow MTF's and FTM's. Since I already started buying a new female wardrobe, this Friday was the first time I would attend wearing my new clothes...nothing too obvious. I wore jeans, sneakers, a nice American Eagle tee with pink writing and a long beige cardigan...on the bus! I don't really care what other people think and yes I did get a few strange looks but let's just say it blended well with the Guns N' Roses playing in my headphones lol! These meetings are awesome as they are a tremendous help with my dysphoria which is quite intense these days. I have not yet started hormones but am getting a referral to an Endocrinologist from my GP this Wednesday as he has approved my letter from my psychologist. I want to add I DO see a psychologist every two weeks and highly recommend this along with group meetings as the most important steps in self discovery. If you cannot afford therapy, groups are usually free and the help found there is phenomenal! Now for the shopping... Isabelle and I went the this popular shopping center downtown Ottawa. At first I wasn't sure what to buy but knew I wanted something more feminine than what I have so far which consists mostly of various tops and of course socks and underwear. We went to Nordstrom (yikes! $$), Pink, Victoria's Secret and I still wasn't sure what to get. Isabelle then had a really good suggestion... Since my body is still quite masculine...at 6', I weigh in at 220 (lost 80 lbs since last October and still losing) and have typical male love handles, very little butt, man boobs from teenage gynecomastia, she suggested I buy a maxi dress that fits and take a couple of pictures. We could then see the gradual effects of hormones by taking a picture wearing the same dress about once a month. Then as I drop the weight even more, buy another "goal" dress which is a little more snug and so on.. We went to a store called Sirens and with the fall clothes being out, there were very few XL size summer maxi dresses. We then went to Forever21 and there I found the perfect dress for this little experiment...a long blue pattern summer maxi which fits very well length wise but of course I do not fill it in quite correctly in a couple of areas.. We got home and I immediately put it on!. Wow is it ever comfortable...I know now that dresses will take up a huge part of my future wardrobe and can't wait to start wearing them more and more. My next purchase will be shoes and sandals and for this I will have to go to a tall girl store which we have in downtown Ottawa as I am probably around a size 13 wide in women's shoes. In the meantime, I dress in my feminine clothes all the time when not at work and practice makeup every chance I get...I love that stuff! All the above is far from being a "cure all" for my level of dysphoria as my psychologist rates my transsexualism as pretty extreme and know I will have to undergo all surgeries (the "bottom" surgery is paid for by health insurance here in Canada), but is does help a little with my intense daily anxiety and along with the therapy and groups, keeps me from completely losing it until I start hormones and go further in my "oh so welcomed" transition. Now I'm on holidays for this week and the music is creeping back.... Thanks for reading, Roxanne

I didn't think this would become a weekly thing, going in I assumed I would get tired of the show pretty quickly (being on E and all), but no, I'm not. The show really is getting better and better each week, and my respect for Caitlyn grows with it (she is exec producer, so nothing happening on the show is happening without her). This week they spent more time with the less fortunate trans people in San Francisco, and Caitlyn seemed sincerely moved and in fact did a couple of really great things for one of them! This episode was shot about 5 weeks before her ESPY presentation, so I could see where her sentiments in that came from. On the personal side - first the less important part - I was tweeting during the show and watching what others were tweeting - I did 3 original tweets myself, and got re-tweeted on all of them my Jenny Boylan, so I was pretty happy about that :-) I also got 2 of them favorited by Michelle Visage (RuPaul's co-host on Drag Race), also pretty exciting. On the more substantial side - I had already decided that this was the week that I was going to wear my wig to work, and then skirts (tomorrow for the skirt). The show was so inspiring that it really put me over the top in terms of doing it. I came to see what I was doing as more than just a part of my personal journey (though obviously that's important too!) but also as a measure of activism. There are still so many trans people who simply can't live out their lives the way they want, so I think it's important for anyone who can to do so (to the extent they're comfortable with it of course), so that we can gradually change the overall society and give others more room to live their lives. That's what Caitlyn is doing in a very public way, and it's something I can do in a less public way, but it's still a contribution. Visibility = Power (as the Lesbian/Gay movement has shown). They also had an interesting conversation about voices. Candice Cayne apparently just has a fairly natural feminine voice, and Chandi Moore just talks the way she talks and won't change that. Jenny Boylan made the comment "This is as far as we'll go, everyone else just has to meet us there." I really liked that comment. And Caitlyn, who had been worried about her voice, eventually said that it's not so important how she sounds but what she says. Anyway - time to work now :-) xoxo Christie Here's a picture from work today...

Warning - this is a boring post. Thank goodness, lol! I am doing better since my last post. Things have stabilized. I talked with my wife today and she was warm and reaffirming. I've been biking a lot. I rode 50 miles yesterday and almost 80 miles today with a friend from my support group. I am getting ready for the Reston Century in two weeks. Still have more work to do, if I am going to make it. But I feel better about my chances. I did go to my therapist appt two weeks ago, but have missed a couple support group meetings as well as "going out" events. Part of it is that I've been out of town quite a bit, on vacation or travel. Things should settle down bit after my kids go to school. This summer has been much busier than I expected overall. In fact, I missed three weeks of electrolysis appts. I'll miss again next week as well. I went to an appt to get blood work this week, for the first time since starting Estradiol. Everything came out normal, however I don't know what my levels are yet. I have a follow-up appt scheduled next week, but will need to reschedule to the following week. I hope that all is well with everyone. I am feeling much better. Hope that will continue and hope that all is well with all of you. --Lisa

Thanks so much Christie and Monica! I had heard about Payless and will definitely check it out! I'll also take some time this evening and check out the 2 sites recommended above... Shopping will be so much fun! Thanks girls! Roxanne xoxo

Merci :-) It's a bit washed out from the overhead lighting, I have a bit more color in my face than that

Dear Roxanne and Christie, A transwoman friend decades ago turned me on to Roaman's and Woman Within whose tall size clothes and shoes (up to size 13) fit many transwomen. Their customer service are excellent towards everyone. Highly recommend the paper catalog as well as signing up for their Internet catalogs. Their websites are: http://www.roamans.com http://www.womanwithin.com Happy shopping! Your friend, Monica

Christie, I really like your picture from work!

Roxanne, Overcoming shopping anxiety is a great feeling! I recall the first times I went and bought women's clothing and how uncomfortable I felt doing it. Now I go to Kohl's and don't give it a second thought - it helps that i have never once gotten any kind of comment about it from the cashiers ("oh, are you buying this for your wife?" etc.) I very strongly suspect that a lot of stores make it a policy that their cashiers not make any kind of comment like that. If you have Payless shoes in your area you might try that, I've found them to have the best selection in larger sizes (i'm an 11 or 12, depending on the brand). They're also nice in that they group the shoes by size. xoxo Christie

I did it! I'm now at work, in wig and full dress (not a dress, just full dress). These are the kinds of things that make you so much more aware of every interaction you have with people. So far I haven't even noticed any strange looks, so perhaps I pulled it off. I'm going to meet with our Marketing Director later this morning, I asked her yesterday if she could give me some feedback (she's a big make-up person). Today is the first time also that I'm wearing foundation and contouring (to work that is). I might also ask her to take a pic for me :-)

Well I don't know we're to start this is my first blog . So I guess I will start with a little bit about myself . Every since I was a little boy I had these thoughts in the back of my mind and then that led to me trying on girl clothes at first I did not know how to take this but I felt more comfortable in girl clothes and know matter how much I new it was not normal I new I could not tell anybody because I could not deal with the disappointment that my parents and friends would have or me so I tried to suppress it in the back of my mind and do what the world thought was right and be normal. Well as time passed I grew up into a teenager I had a lot of identity problems, and I new who I was on the inside but I could not be that person on the outside because I did not know how to deal with the humiliation from the rest of the world and from family and friends so what did I do I suppressed it some more by this time I got really good at hiding my feelings and not opening up to people like I should. And as more time passed I got married and had three kids and I know that now matter how much I wanted to tell my wife the thoughts that was going through my mind I knew she would not now how to deal with something like that so I didn't tell her and that lead to a divorce because I did not want her to be disappointed in me for wanting to be a woman. Well hate to cut the story short but it's late and a girl's got to get her beauty sleep so goodnight and I will try to finish my story soon love to all and goodnight again.

Hello Samantha, Your story sounds all to familiar, many have been down the same path as you and many will follow as this is something children will never feel comfortable talking to their parents about at various ages or if they do parents many times believe it's a 'passing thing'. Eventually suppression, best to obtain the assistance of a therapist who knows how to deal with transgender else you may head towards a dark place in your mind. This forum is an excellent place to learn from and share.

Hiya Christie Sweetie. Lovely Photo's Honey. I have never taken a selfie, and I have Never liked having My Photo taken. I think that it is about time, that I started trying to do Selfies ! Keep those Lovely Photo's coming Christie. By the way, You are Lovely. Take Care, Best Wishes Love. Regards, Steph. xoxo

​Monica, actually I did not buy her one, she is not into bracelets, instead she got one for me while I was purchasing one for myself

Merci i'm not very good at selfies yet - years of not wanting pictures of me

One criticism, next time you take a picture look straight ahead rather than looking in a downward direction, otherwise great pictures

Lisa, So happy that things are looking up for you good luck with your follow-up appointment! My first follow-up will be in september. Xoxo Christie

Got asked about documentation my mom couldn't find, so I handed her what I stored away in the safe. After finding the documents, I reiterated that it might be difficult to do what she wants as my gender marker and first name are being changed slightly. And all I got was, it's your life and your problem when I'm dead. I've always known my support came from my father, so with the lack of support from the one we call Hammie (what my siblings and I call our mother). But I also know, that out of guilt I am mentioned in a will I want nothing to do with. I also know as the last born, my responsibilities to listen to my immediate elders input, I should listen and react as desired, but as with all families you need to walk your own path towards your happiness and fulfillment. In this short piece I'm just trying to say, don't let negative or cold shoulders or emotionally detached family dictate what makes you happy and whole. If you do follow what they want of you or let their attitudes dictate you feeling depressed because they seem like the only people in your life that should care for you. DONT LET YOUR FAMILY FORCE YOU INTO SOMETHING THAT IS MAKING YOU UNHAPPY, AS THEY ARE SUPPOSED TO BE THE CORNER STONES IN YOUR LIFE THAT SUPPORTS YOU IN ALL PARTS OF YOUR LIFE. And if you have that support, be grateful, you were granted a support structure you can call at any time. Much love... Michele

Why tears. Well I've always been an emotionally strong woman. Yes, strong as in vocalizing what I think and how I do thigs, as well as not needing a Knight to save me I can save him too... I'm a fighter after all. Well in the last month I've been disciplined for not informing my commander about a lone child on street late at night! I asked if that wasn't part and parcel of my work to serve and protect, and if so. Give me a written instruction stating I should leave a defenseless five year olds on the street at 22:00 or anytime when I find a small child unsupervised. Disciplinary actions immediately stopped as no commander wants to be held responsible as the person who instructed members under them to disregard the safety of their community let alone that of children. But yes, that was in an emotional state of, I love children and no one is going to stop me when it comes to the future grown ups, because without them who are going to ensure our safety. Now for my tears... I got angered by family and friends, and my realization has come that only persons I have allocated a space in my heart can bring me to tears. So some apparent reason this has always eluded me. I'm hard, but soft to the touch, easy to look at and a major pain in the butt if need to bring my point over. I've also found that children and animals are a sore point for me when mistreated. Even though I despised my moms dog for wanting to kill my Labrador and almost succeeding and biting me before I went into fighting mode. But that was self preservation on my part, I couldn't bring myself to say I'll miss him as he was euthanized, but started sobbing over Mike the Labrador who passed on years ago. Does this make me emotionally stinted, as I can't comfort someone close to me in grieving. I know I can blame my brother who didn't even allow me to grieve after my father's passing, which ended with my foot in a demanding priests face, as he tried to take something from me. But silent tears still flowed when the missing gets to much. Tears flowing when I'm angry is even worse because that means I want to punch someone., but those also only flows if I care about the person, but I don't want to see or hear from them till I'm ready for that person. The one most of us hate would be tears that makes us revert to wanting to bobe alone. At that time to many emotions are attacking me just want to be alone. Today's was that I wanted to release some anger I'm feeling towards a friend for calling me dumb when I couldnt find a him or the place we were going to. GPS didn't work either, nor the number of the place. Well I'm done with bitching for a bit, let me get ready for Eid as I have Muslim family and friends. Eid Mubarak to all, and have a blessed and heart felt day. Michele is out......

I'm a traditionalist to the point where I am feminine, but I'm modern as in independent, strong will and minded, not physically all that strong but determined to succeed, pants wearing, automotive and weapons loving, hand to hand girl. So not a typical girl, just a fun loving and emotional girl.

Hiya Christie Darling. Christie, You ARE Doing Great. Be Very Proud Sweetie, as You Look Lovely. Your Confidence Will Just Continue to Grow. Buying Female Undies and Clothes, I Really Enjoy, and Some Shop Assistants, are Really Helpful. I have never been as comfortable in Clothing, as I Am wearing Full Female Undies and Clothes. I Just Feel So Feminine, and that makes Me Happy. You Look so Happy, and Relaxed, in Your Pretty Clothes. Christie Darling, You Take Care. Enjoy Being You Christie Love. Best Wishes, Regards, Steph. xoxo

Thank you so much Steph So far everyone at work has been really great in fact! The school started it off well by sending an email around reminding everyone about our non-discrimination policy (which includes gender identity and gender expression). But I doubt that was even needed, people here tend to be really nice.

Hiya Christie. Wow ! Your Photograph from Work, My Darling, IS Gorgeous ! Congratulations, on Going into Work, "Properly Dressed ! " Going Out In Public, Fully, Full-Time, Female-Dressed, IS Second--Nature, to Me ! I Think of it, Like This, I Am Me, and if Other People, do Not like it, They are the One's with the Problem's ! Christie Darling, You ARE One Very Pretty Lady ! By the way Sweetheart, Your Blue Top is Lovely. That Is the same colour, as Two top's that I have got ! I Love Your Necklace, Too Love ! Pretty Christie, If anyone at Work gives You any Grief, They are just Ignorant ! You Take Care Sweetie. Best Wishes Pretty Christie. Big Hugs Sweetheart, Regards, Steph. xoxo.

Dear Charli, Also am fascinated by lighting. Loved visiting lighting stores in Brooklyn and Manhattan. The autistic man I cared for was also into lighting, so he gave me a great excuse to visit all kinds of lighting stores, when he got away from me and I had to go looking for him. The managers of lighting stores were ALWAYS very kind in helping me find him, and I gave them my name, phone and address to all of them, because I did not want them to call the police to find his family (me). Thanks to him, I got to know many lighting stores in Manhattan and Brooklyn! By the way, the police in both Florida and NYC were very good about helping me find him, although I was lucky enough to beat them to it almost every time! LOL! Yours truly, Monica

Dear Karen, Love that lavender background and, even though I am not into tattoos, that blue flower tattoo, too! Yours truly, Monica

Dear Lisa, Am shocked that my sister in law stated she was "too busy" to make new friends, and that she has too many friends already. It has been my experience that I always have room to make new friends! Yours truly, Monica

Karen, Thank you for posting that picture. You look great and so happy. It stinks that your friend's husband kept her up late. That's ridiculous. I hope he doesn't do that often. Good friends are very hard to come by and in this age stay connected to. I think we all have had long gaps where we don't make time for our friends or they are too busy. --Lisa

Dear Karen, I thought that was adorable, two bff's buying each other bff charms! There was a recent study of teenagers, one group who had NO friends, another group who had a FEW friends, and the third group that had MANY friends. The group that had no friends, had many difficulties in life, while the groups that had a few friends and many friends, fared much better, and the group with many friends fared only SLIGHTLY better than the group that had a few friends. The upshot of all of this was that it was important to have friends, period. How many does not matter. Recently, a neighbor and I sat outside for a half hour, and she picked my brain about my planned move. A few days later, she caught me at the Subway Sandwich Shop, and she picked my brain further. I promised I would write down the answers. She used the restroom first, and I watched her things, and I asked her to do the same for me as she exited the restroom. When I came out of the restroom, she was gone, without even saying goodbye. This did not hurt me, as I share information to all who asks, (she asked about a dentist and about Kingston), because I knew she was an acquaintance. It is important to know the difference between an "Internet friend," "light acquaintance," "good acquaintance," and friend. An Internet friend can drop out of your life at any time, without explanation, a light acquaintance knows you by sight but not by name, saying "hello," a good acquaintance will sit down with you if they happen to come across you, and know you by name and a friend knows your first, last name, address and telephone number. Many have a lover with no friends at all. Realize that it is harder to make friends after graduating post secondary school. This is true of lovers, also. But we should not despair, as opportunities to make friends and find lovers do present themselves throughout our lives. Certain communities are more amenable to making friends and finding lovers, and we should be aware of that. Have seen people shrivel up and die due to communities that were unfriendly. Karen, I am glad to see you opening up like a flower! Feel your best friend's husband should respect her more by being clean and sober, as he should realize how lucky he is to have her! Your friend, Monica

Monica, It often works! And there are times when it doesn't but for some valid reason. Here are some pics today, with make-up

Charli, love your photos, as I am an architecture and outdoor sculpture fan!

Wow. Your photos really, really are fantastic.

Charli, Your pictures are really nice, you have a good eye for photography! As for "I am cait," I watched episode 2 and was generally happy with it - with a couple of reservations - but I won't risk spoiling it for you Xoxo Christie

Hiya Charli. Sorry You are having Server problems. I Know What It Is Like, When You Are unable, to get on Your Internet. Please feel free, to stay in touch with Me, anytime Sweetheart. You Really do have a very pretty face, and lovely appealing Hazel Eyes, and lovely Hair ! I Hope that Life also has More Up's, than Down's, for You Also. It Is Good to Hear from You Charli, You Sweetie. Take Care, Best Wishes, Steph. xoxo.

Charli, Hiya, I Am Steph. I Am in Aylesbury, in Buckinghamshire, in the UK. I Am 14 Week's "Out" as MtoF Transsexual ! The Fact that You are Happy being You, and have a Loving Wife, is All that matters, apart From Your Health. If You have Good Health, that is Good ! Your Photograph is Lovely. Like You, I Am 5'11" Tall; with Hazel Eyes. I Am a UK Size 12, and have Dark Brown Hair, in A Pony Tail. I Wish You All The Very Best For The Future, I hope All goes Well for You. Take Care, Regards, Stephanie.

Charli, I love your photo! You have beautiful skin and hair!

Thanks for sharing and I am sure you are fine with ending the fast, that is if you are traditional.