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I can not fathom what you are going through to the level of anguish you are at now and do feel for you. I hope that somehow you can eventually climb out of this dark place you are currently in. What I will say is if things don't work out in September do not give up. You need to expand your horizons past your current physical environment (I have said that before) and consider a move to someplace that will be more open to your need to have breast removal. Next up, and this is extreme, if there is so much pain binding your breast consider not binding them, yeah it's probably unthinkable yet if the physical pain is so unbearable it might be worth trying, NOTE: I did not rate or score this blog entry for a reason, how can I "like" what you are going through? If there was "I feel sympathy for you" button I would click it. Does that make sense?

Hey guys...I know, right? Been a long time...I havent felt like blogging lately. I even skipped out on my youtube videos because I felt like...I dont know. Like they're not going anywhere. Not doing any good I guess? I'm at a loss I'm back into that feeling like....nothing I do, does any good. All my waiting for surgery and help is wasted. All my optimism and hoping is falsified. I'm really....really at a loss you guys. I broke my cut-free streak again. I couldnt help it...I've tried so long and so hard to stay away from the blades but it just...got to me. Again. Dont get me wrong, I love my new job! I do, I really really do! But being misgendered all the time...it hurts. Probably more than it should, but it hurts regardless. I feel like I'm doing nothing with my life. That I'm just sitting here wasting away. I dont enjoy doing anything anymore. My intentions with youtube and blogging was to help others thrive and 'be okay' but how the hell am I supposed to do that when I cant do it myself? When every attempt I make seems to just....disappoint? Not even disappoint other people but disappoint myself. I've started to avoid the FTM top-surgery group I'm in. It's just so....sooooooo so so SOOOO depressing to see all these people posting their post-op photos and how happy and proud they are...and I'm stuck where I am. I'm sitting here suffering, mentally and physically, in my female body. I can deal with not having bottom surgery. F***, I'd be okay if my bust size was like.....a B. Or even a C, maybe. Because I'd be able to hide them better. But this? A 44DDD? It's unbarable! The binding has started to really really take it's toll... And nothing I do seems to help. It makes me want to cry every time I squeeze into it again because it hurts. It hurts so bad and it limits my breathing so much, and my back feels like it's about to collapse every time I remove it because it's compressed the muscles and whatnot for so long during the day. Not even to mention the heat and sweating and unbarable dehydration I keep fighting because of wearing it! I just....I cant take it! It's driving me crazy... I have my consultation on the 1st of September. I'm so close but so very far...I've already told my boyfriend. "Justin...if they tell me no, and insurance wont touch it...you'll need to keep an eye on me. Because I cant promise that I'll take it well." And its the truth...I know I wont. I can promise that I wont. This is so amazingly frustrating and painful and mentally disabling that if they tell me no...if they say we wont pay for it, you cant have it done, you'll have to deal with it and keep binding...I dont know how much longer I will last. This has literally become a do or die situation. I just...I cant... I dont know what to do... Warren

Dear Warren, Gave you five stars for your honesty in sharing your pain. Felt your YouTube videos were EXCELLENT, and helped many people. Warren, it is not the quantity, but the quality! PLEASE don't give up and keep on sharing those videos! PLEASE be solution-minded as you have been so recently! Know you are in a lot of pain, but we all have suffered terrible pain (mine in accepting that I am a Lesbian) and you are in the right place, so that we can support one another. Feel strongly we all need support from many sources, such as Internet support groups, like TGGuide, counseling, group therapy and face to face support groups. PLEASE keep that job, as work is therapy in itself! Am not minimizing your pain, but do everything ONE DAY AT A TIME to help yourself, and then let it go until the next day. Realize that life can be overwhelming at times . . . Your friend, Monica

Warren, I agree with all that Monica and Karen said and just want to add one thought about not knowing how much longer you can last without the surgery. I obviously don't know how it feels going through what you're experiencing, but several years ago I was going through something incredibly, incredibly difficult, it drove me to thoughts of suicide on more than one occasion (really more than thoughts - no overt actions, but it felt far too close). In one case a thought occurred to me in the midst of those other thoughts - as long as I'm alive there's some hope that things can get better, if I end it, there's not hope at all. It's a thought that's come back from time to time - it's not the most positive thought, but it was enough to keep me alive. And I certainly hope you keep sharing your experiences, thoughts and feelings, if nothing else know that people are listening here! xoxo Christie

Christie, Thank you. Unfortunately, I had to reschedule due to a business meeting. I was not happy about that!

Everyone will ask why you asking about chocolates, right. Actually wrong. I've never been bound by race or religion, when it came and still comes to men intriguing me. But I've always had a thing for someone taller and bigger body structured then my 1.74m (5ft8) structure and around 140Lbs. The top criterion above all else, is he needs to have respect, love and adoration for me. Okay, I grew up in a time when interracial relationships were a no no, but I am grateful my dad crossed all boundaries of interracial friendships. Say something inappropriate in front of me, and I'll put you on your place. That's probably why, all I need a man to be, is himself and respectful towards others. If I like you, it's because of qualities you have, and loving you means our qualities are strengthened by our relationship with each other and I wNt to around you every second I can, with me time for friends. So leave me alone if the guy I choose is darker then me, because he might have been lighter, then you'd be worried over me dating him.

Dear Lisa, Happy posts NEVER bore me! Keep up doing the great work! Your friend, Monica

We all know that people should be over two people with different skin pigmentation being together but sadly it's still an issue to many, best to ignore those who think that way altogether.

Charli, I love the photograph of the "I Heart NYC" T-Shirts. Only in NYC have I seen the RESIDENTS wear such shirts and accessories, where in OTHER cities, only TOURISTS wear such items! LOL!!

Charli, Hiya Love. It Looks Like You Are Falling For New York, In A Big Way ! L.O.L. When are You Visiting N.Y., then Charli ? I Am in the UK, and I have never been to the U.S.A. You Never Know. One Day Maybe ! I Am sure You will enjoy "The Big Apple", when You get there ! There Will Be Lots That You will be Able to Photograph, Charli Love. Speak Soon, Take Care, Best Wishes, Steph. xoxo

Oh wow, that's some really cool information and very much appreciated. I'm a consumate planner so that gives me plenty of things to try and squeeze in. Will keep you posted on how things progress take care xoxo

Charli, Hiya Love. Your Photography, Sweetheart, is Outstanding. Your Eye For Interesting Architecture and Building's, is second to none ! You Are A Lovely Person Charli, and I look forward to seeing More of Your Wonderful Photography, Very Soon. Charli, Take Care, And Best Wishes To You Too ! Regards, Stephanie. xoxo

Dear Christi and Charli, As promised, the website for Air bnb is: https://www.airbnb.com/s/New-York--NY The website looked really good, worth checking out! Yours truly, Monica

Dear Christie and Charli, Here are some resources that I recommend for free/inexpensive activities in NYC: http://www.nyc-arts.org http://www.events12.com/newyork/august/ http://www.timeout.com/newyork/events-calendar http://www.nycinsiderguide.com http://www.nycgo.com/free http://www.newyork.com/articles/attractions/free-things-to-do-in-nyc-in-summer-2015-65512/ http://www.clubfreetime.com/new-york-city-nyc/free-events-things-to-do/today/activities http://www.timessquarenyc.org/events/index.aspx#.VcpeRvlViko http://www.newyorkpass.com/For-Free http://www.nyc-arts.org/collections/35/free-museum-days-or-pay-what-you-wish Highly recommend the US $80.00 pass, as it will allow you to get past lines. In NYC, because of the crowds, your TIME IS MONEY, so don't think waiting in long lines for a "free" event will save you money . . . because some "free" events are on your NYC pass, but the advantage will be that you will go to the head of the line. Will get you the website for Air bnb, because the hotels in NYC are PROHIBITIVE! The owners of Air bnb are very knowledgeable about the city, and they will help you plan your days to make the most of them. Will write again soon with information about air bnb. Yours truly, Monica