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Ok people, sorry for the bummer of a subject line, but a week of insomnia isn't conducive to optimism It could be from my shoulder surgery, but as each day passes that seems unlikely - it's not hard getting comfortable anymore, I just stay wide awake. I think it is, indirectly transition-related. It's not because of transitioning, but because the transition had been so all-consuming for awhile that I had put aside other concerns. Now that i'm acclimating more to transitioning (though not completely yet), i'm faced with the feeling again that so much of my life feels like a vast, empty wasteland, no matter what way I go, or if I don't go anywhere, it's all the same nothing. Transitioning in this context takes on a new feeling - if i'm going down I might as well go down as me and not a fake sorry for the downer entry - needed to get it out Christie

Hiya Karen. Your Last Post, Made Me Laugh ! I Am Glad, that You Are Having Fun, You Naughty Girl ! L.O.L. !!!! New Car's Can Be Great Fun ! Karen, Take Care, and Very Best Wishes, Stephanie. xoxo

​I was pulled over by a police officer which is a friend of mine that I had told him about the new car. He waited for me coming home, light me up. Comes up to the window and says do you know why I stopped you? I gave him a big smile and said "no officer, I have no idea" while I played with my hairl. He came back and said, I ought to smack you, I want that car and laughed. Then I showed him the cool stuff inside e.g. the electronics.

Finally got around to reading the rest - these are all quite vivid and well-stated - I do hope you are still seeing someone to talk about these things? The phrase "hopeless ambition" really struck me - in the midst of my sleepless depression last night I think that phrase summed up much of how I felt - and how I continue to feel - full of ambition, but feeling that it has nowhere to go. It's still an improvement from before transitioning when I had no ambition (it feels a little worse, but I know it's really better)

Well congratulations Christie, however I think your employers must have studied British methods of taking advantage of employees, I do hope that you get paid what you're worth. The tone of your two comments suggests that you've started to think a little more positively now. It's surprising how a lack of sleep can give rise to such negative thoughts and emptiness at the same time.................. I hope that you sleep well tonight, Eve oxo

UPDATE - at least one of the trouble spots took a move in the right direction today - it looks like my job transition is on it's way to happening, it's just a matter of figuring out the money (everyone seems to agree that I should get more money since they're adding to my job - it's just a question of how much). It isn't going exactly as I would have liked (which would have been a clean transition to our marketing department, vs. merging part of that job into my current job), but it's still a great (hopeful) change

Hiya Karen. How Is The New Car Going ? Are You Being A Lead-Foot-Lady ? I Hope That You Have Plenty Of Safe Driving Time ! I Am So Glad That You Have Got A Lovely Ladies Car. Karen Enjoy It Love ! Be Careful Out There ! Take Care, With Very Best Wishes, Stephanie. xoxo

For years I drove sensible cars for family at one point then later for travelling and teaching. Been thinking about getting a sports car and trading my Toyota 2005 Camry in for one but could never justify selling the Camry because it just runs and never breaks, only routine maintenance like oil change and tires for the most part. Been checking out the Mazda Miata for a while and was told by a co-worker that the 2016 models were worth waiting for. So last month I got on the list and last night was informed one was in, top of the line (and the price tag to go with it, $30,000). Took it out for a test spin this morning and I had to have it so I purchased it and went out driving in the country for an hour or so. Note I kept my Camry as it is a great investment and know full well it will come in handy a lot. There are so many features and creature comforts such as voice control, bluetooth, GPS navigation, controls on the steering wheel in all makes you feel like being in the cockpit of a sophisticated airplane. My first choice would had been red but red sports cars get noticed on the highway and I always drive 80 MPH in the 65 MPH highway, never been ticketed (knock on wood), second choice was black and third was yellow so in my mind I am very satisfied with the color. Please note that I came from a $20,000 a year paycheck to $100,000 paycheck that was not easy and now truly enjoying the year 2015. With no disrespect I hope this may light a fire under one or more people thinking they can never transition or have a decent life style because if you truly put your mind to something it is achievable. Click to enlarge

I bet some places demand more for parking in NYC dependent on the area.

Christie, thinking about your MG midget, what started me on sports cars was when I was dating a woman back in my late teenage years who had a triumph spitfire, I had a custom van. We would trade back and forth and that is when I started my love affair with sports cars but waited thirty years to get one. I can imagine what it cost to park and so forth in NYC, an arm and a leg most likely. The spot I rent for work is $60 per month and would guess in NYC would be a couple hundred dollars for the same parking spot.

That is such a cute car Several years ago I indulged and bought an older MG midget - something I had wanted for a long time - it was short lived, being in NYC I didn't have the resources (money) to keep it.

Thank you all for your feedback Now that I'm in front of a computer I feel like I should add some detail since I threw all that out there (I wrote that on my phone last night - I was kind of surprised at how short it looked this morning considering how long it seemed to take to write!) First, I definitely am talking to my therapist about everything! Over the past few sessions we've actually move away from transitioning issues a bit - not completely of course, but recognizing that it isn't the only issue that I need to work through. I think my current malaise/insomnia is a collection of "problems" that are touching on a number of big areas (job, home, health) - none of them individually devastating, but collectively it makes sense that they could drag me down. They will all resolve over time, hopefully not too much time! (the job issue should come to a head one way or another this week). What's compounding the problem is that usually writing in a journal helps me work through some things, or at least reduce their impact. But I'm left-handed, and my surgery was on my left shoulder - although my hand works fine, I was a little surprised at how much your full arm is really necessary when writing long-hand, and how difficult it currently is. I think that's contributing to a bottling-up - I could type things, but somehow that never seems to have the same emotional impact for me as hand-writing (even when I'm working on plays I always write the first draft long-hand).

Hi Christie, Having transitioning front and center would seem like the predominant reason for your insomnia and right behind this medication from surgery. Although when I have insomnia from time to time it's for different reasons, I can't shut my brain off, will lay in bed with my brain very active contemplating a problem associated with a problem (or as I think of it as a challenge) say with writing code for software at work. The thoughts are undeniable in that it's not subconcious. I am sure for you and many like you there are indeed so many things going on right now that can overwhelm the brain to fold into your new existence as a female. Seeing a doctor or therapist should be at the top of the list for solving the core issue but I recommend adding something into your life that might help take your mind off of all the things weighing hard on your mind. Having a friend that will stick by your side, do things with you is critical more than you can imagine right now. If you have one, get out with them and do things without dwelling on your transitioning. Go out for walks sometime in the early evening let your mind go free. Most people don't have a diet that is conducive to good health, look at changing yours and remove things in your diet that can cause you too have to much energy in the evening, yeah, been there done the wrong thing and paid for it, usually too much coffee. If this has been going on over seven days try sleep aids, follow the instructions and see what happens over a two or three day period, if not helping make an appointment with your therapist and talk with them. They will know what questions to ask and your task it to be completely honest with them. As my doctor told me (and I have written about this), transitioning, including GRS is one of the toughest things a human can do which means we will not come through this larger than life event unscaved, there will be battle scares that take time to heal or not heal which is why having a therapist is essential to your well-being. DON'T allow yourself go to that "dark place" in your subconscious because you did not or waited too long to see your therapist (and I have to say this) and don't ever consider self-medicating as unlikely as it may be in your mind. Once the brain latches onto what appears inescapable it becomes hard to climb out of it which leads to things I don't have to write down here. DON'T dismiss this as something that will pass if over a weeks time you still can not sleep. DO address the issue now and prevent permanent mental scares for following you through the remainder of your journey I have said this before, go to a quite place and self-evaluate yourself. Do I really need to transition? Is this right for me? then we have "I am out, how could I ever move backwards" I think many will think "I must move forward", it's human nature to want to continue and tough it out but that can have us be even in a worst place. Your at the presupus of a possible new life, outside the door ready to enter into an entirely new world, think long and hard in that quite place as right now my guess is your brain is going into self-diagnoses at bed time because you are not otherwise. Of course I am not someone who is a medical professional so take my advice with a grain of salt yet at the same time I have been on this Earth for close to sixty years in that I have life experiences of my own and known and read about others that assisted me in what I have said. Best wishes on resolving the issues behind your sleepless nights

Yeah, I've borrowed a line from Grouch Marx, "I've been sleeping my insomnia off".....................mine is often caused by too much red wine ! & so it's self inflicted and I don't look for any sympathy whatsoever. With regard to "vast empty wasteland", I think that you're wrong, your big moment in life has arrived,, you've had the courage to do something about it, leapt over the first few hurdles, and now your wondering if it's any better than the previous you, have you wasted your time doing this, time was wasted anyway, well I had serious doubts too about my own transition. If you stop to think about it, you've spent most of your life as society has demanded of you as a male, if I have understood anything about you from your blog entries, you weren't ever happy with that state of affairs?. Well you won't be able to instantly delete those thoughts, because you've been mentally conditioned to them by society at large (fitting in with the rest of the flock? so think of most of society as sheep!). You just can't instantly be a new you, but just as teenagers grow up, one day your great as the new you and the next day not so great as the old you............. I have entered in my earlier blogs and comments to others that I also had serious doubts at times about my transition, I said that it was like the ebbing and flooding of the tide, and yes, when I had insomnia (not always caused by red wine!) that was when those thoughts used to haunt me, a lot of the time as "what the bloody hell do you think you're doing, you're a bloke for f**ks sake, why do you think it'll be any better as a woman?". Those thoughts were intense and very haunting, but as time passed by, they got less and less like the tide only happened every two or three weeks or so. Yes, when changing identity your mind is full of what you're doing and so it doesn't wander (or should I say wonder?) to the old thoughts. My advice is, to accept that you're doing the correct thing, see a therapist or cousellor, or whatever you do in the US, if that helps you to think it through, but anyway, the negative thoughts will eventually pass. I guess it's when your mind gets used to your new identity, and at that same time, you will find that you're just doing things unthinkingly as yourself. How can I illustrate that further? perhaps like this, I don't worry about passing, I don't think how would a woman do it, I don't think of myself as as female or male or gender neutral, I just think of myself as me - Eve. It has taken time to get this happy state of affairs. I've heard many trans folk talk lightly of going through adolescence, they shouild have been much more serious about the subject, it's a very real issue. I hope that these comments help you, during your adolescent period. Eve xoxo

Hiya Christie. I Do Know exactly what You Mean about Insomnia. Mine is More Osteo-Arthritis Related. It Is An absolute sod, when You Need Sleep, and get either very little, or None at All. Christie Love, You Let off Steam any time You Like ! It Is far better, than Bottling It All up, and Making Yourself ILL ! With Transitioning Christie, You Can be really Proud, of Just How Well You have Already Done, and Just How far, You have come already. You are doing well Young Lady ! I hope Your Shoulder is well on the Mend. Stay Positive Christie Love. Things Will get better, I Am sure. Take Care Christie, and My Very Best Wishes, Stephanie. xoxo

Dear Karen, The Miata sports car is very popular with women and is known as a ladies sports car! ENJOY! Your friend, Monica

Hiya Karen. I Am So Pleased for YOU Love. ( I had to Stop Driving, Many Year's Ago, Because Of Health Problems ! ). Now It Gives Me Great Pleasure, Too See Friend's, Like Yourself, Who are Lucky Enough, to Get A Nice Car. Karen, Fair Play Love, and May You have Many Year''s Of Fun and Enjoyment, From Your New Mazda, and Your Toyota Camry. My Best Mate, Bought a Nice Vauxhall Astra SRI Diesel, Earlier on in This Summer, and Kept His Original Vauxhall Astra Diesel, as well ! Karen, Good Luck, Take Care, Enjoy Your New Car - You Deserve A Nice Car Love. With My Very Best Wishes, Stephanie. xxxx