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Frienship is the only cement that will ever hold the world together. ~Woodrow T. Wilson As a transgender girl the need for friends in simular situations grows. The need to identify the right people early on should not be underestimated. People are an integral paet of our world and a great resource for support and guidance. A long standing online friend of mine pointed me in the direction of a girl who run a local support group in my area. This is something that I have felt a growing need for since I started hormones. I contacted her and she agreed to add me to the group and envited me to the next meeting. Another girl approached me from the group and we started chatting. We decided to meet before hand to get to know each other. As circumstance determined we had to meet in boy mode. It's probably my least favourite thing to meet other girls in boymode but I went through with it and we had a long emotional eavening together. My wife dropped in for a bit to meet het too and we both agreed that we liked her. I hope I made a better friend than my last attempt who turned out to be a druggy and blackmailer. Tonight I meet the rest of the girls.

(Because this is too long to get to the point, I added the end at the top, and the rest can be considered background information. Sorry it's all over the place) Basically, the reason for this post, yesterday my mom wanted to go out for dinner. She told me to be there for three so we could have an early dinner. By six, we still hadn't left for the restaurant, and at 6:30 my sister, bro in law and niece show up, for dinner too. Unexpected by me. By 8, we still hadn't left for the restaurant because they had a late lunch and weren't hungry yet. I am done with them, and their BS. I have tried to let go of all the negative memories from the past but I don't know how. And every time I see my family, I feel so drained and upset for days afterwards. I feel like I keep having the same discussions with them, and they change for a bit, but then it gets back to where it is just the same as when I was 10. ------------------------------------- My whole family exists of three people: Grandma (who lives a few hours away), Mom and Sister (who is married and has a daughter). My dad died 4 years ago, and he was the glue that held us all together as a unit. When I was a kid, my mom was pretty crazy, throwing things at people for no reason, beating all of us, name calling. I am pleased to say she has mellowed out now with her crazy antics. My sister and I were never close. I always looked up to her, but she never wanted me around. She always belittled me, embarrassed me, beat me. As adults, we rarely talk. My sister still refuses to call me by my new name because it's "not legal" and sees nothing wrong with that. This was a few months ago, and I told her I wanted nothing to do with her until she apologized. Before my dad died, my parents, sister and brother in law would always go to ball games, go on "family vacations" and always had BBQ's. I would never receive a call asking to join them in anything. I would always hear about all the fun they've had together at Birthdays or holidays, or those rare times I was actually invited over. All of the birthday and holiday plans are planned around my sister and brother in law family schedules, and mine aren't even considered. I work with a different schedule every week, and that makes it difficult to plan things. Especially when I go out of my way to make sure I have the Monday off then all of a sudden, the in laws need to have that day, so family plans get cancelled, and I don't get to go after all. Or travelling with the baby is so inconvenient, but then they do anyway. Or the bro in law has a sports game he needs to watch/attend or play. The next "story" is one example of many similar situations. The Thanksgiving when I was in 10th grade, my brother in law's mom invited my parents to their house for dinner. My mom just said, "we've been invited to go, so you have to come up for something on your own." A few hours later his mom called me and asked if I wanted to join them, as she didn't realize I was by myself. I came out to my family as trans shortly before my dad died. Mom and Sister have a hard time respecting my trans identity, they keep up the tradition of excluding me in planned "fun" things. We even made a plan to show up at the funeral home to view my dad as a family, and when I showed up 30 minutes early (to be sure I wouldn't be late), they were already in there. Two years ago, I had enough and completely cut them out of my life. Mostly, I just didn't answer the phone or show up for my mom's birthday, my birthday or Christmas. My mom had called me after midnight sometime in January and I told her how terrible I felt with the way they treated me. I got a lot of stuff off my chest. She "didn't remember" the bad things she did when I was a child. In fact she called me a "little prick for lying" The next week, she had a heart attack, and me being me, I showed up to the hospital for support. My mom and I made a plan to start fresh. I thought it was going pretty well too. I made a post here about when Caitlyn Jenner came out and her interview, and my moms reaction. Things started to look up. My mom has this thing where she will make plans with me to visit Grandma, but then cancel them for my sister. Mom doesn't drive the freeways, so she would need to be driven. She has made multiple plans to come to me, then I drive the 2 hour drive. We have never actually done it, because she tells my sister, then all of a sudden, sister is driving. Sister has no room in her car because of the baby seat. Did I mention, I don't have a car, so I can't get to see Grandma as much as I would love to. The last time this happened the bro in law had a baseball game on the day mom and I planned to go, and because of that they switched days completely, and my mom didn't want to go two days in a row (which I understand that), I blew up and told her I had enough of them dictating the dates of these events, especially since we already had plans. Basically, the reason for this post, yesterday my mom wanted to go out for dinner. She told me to be there for three so we could have an early dinner. By six, we still hadn't left for the restaurant, and at 6:30 my sister, bro in law and niece show up, for dinner too. Unexpected by me. By 8, we still hadn't left for the restaurant because they had a late lunch and weren't hungry yet. I am done with them, and their BS. I have tried to let go of all the negative memories from the past but I don't know how. And every time I see my family, I feel so drained and upset for days afterwards. I feel like I keep having the same discussions with them, and they change for a bit, but then it gets back to where it is just the same as when I was 10.

Brigsby, you may have to put them "on ice" (no contact) for a year or two, so that your and theirs minds can clear. In my case, I put my family on ice for TEN years, and it gave all of us time to get past the toxicity, build our own lives, so that we had less baggage to bring to the table. Want to warn you, though, when you reconnect with your family, after having had put them on ice, there WILL be some drama, and you will have to patiently work through it. Good luck!

Well congratulations Christie, however I think your employers must have studied British methods of taking advantage of employees, I do hope that you get paid what you're worth. The tone of your two comments suggests that you've started to think a little more positively now. It's surprising how a lack of sleep can give rise to such negative thoughts and emptiness at the same time.................. I hope that you sleep well tonight, Eve oxo

UPDATE - at least one of the trouble spots took a move in the right direction today - it looks like my job transition is on it's way to happening, it's just a matter of figuring out the money (everyone seems to agree that I should get more money since they're adding to my job - it's just a question of how much). It isn't going exactly as I would have liked (which would have been a clean transition to our marketing department, vs. merging part of that job into my current job), but it's still a great (hopeful) change

Thank you all for your feedback Now that I'm in front of a computer I feel like I should add some detail since I threw all that out there (I wrote that on my phone last night - I was kind of surprised at how short it looked this morning considering how long it seemed to take to write!) First, I definitely am talking to my therapist about everything! Over the past few sessions we've actually move away from transitioning issues a bit - not completely of course, but recognizing that it isn't the only issue that I need to work through. I think my current malaise/insomnia is a collection of "problems" that are touching on a number of big areas (job, home, health) - none of them individually devastating, but collectively it makes sense that they could drag me down. They will all resolve over time, hopefully not too much time! (the job issue should come to a head one way or another this week). What's compounding the problem is that usually writing in a journal helps me work through some things, or at least reduce their impact. But I'm left-handed, and my surgery was on my left shoulder - although my hand works fine, I was a little surprised at how much your full arm is really necessary when writing long-hand, and how difficult it currently is. I think that's contributing to a bottling-up - I could type things, but somehow that never seems to have the same emotional impact for me as hand-writing (even when I'm working on plays I always write the first draft long-hand).

Hi Christie, Having transitioning front and center would seem like the predominant reason for your insomnia and right behind this medication from surgery. Although when I have insomnia from time to time it's for different reasons, I can't shut my brain off, will lay in bed with my brain very active contemplating a problem associated with a problem (or as I think of it as a challenge) say with writing code for software at work. The thoughts are undeniable in that it's not subconcious. I am sure for you and many like you there are indeed so many things going on right now that can overwhelm the brain to fold into your new existence as a female. Seeing a doctor or therapist should be at the top of the list for solving the core issue but I recommend adding something into your life that might help take your mind off of all the things weighing hard on your mind. Having a friend that will stick by your side, do things with you is critical more than you can imagine right now. If you have one, get out with them and do things without dwelling on your transitioning. Go out for walks sometime in the early evening let your mind go free. Most people don't have a diet that is conducive to good health, look at changing yours and remove things in your diet that can cause you too have to much energy in the evening, yeah, been there done the wrong thing and paid for it, usually too much coffee. If this has been going on over seven days try sleep aids, follow the instructions and see what happens over a two or three day period, if not helping make an appointment with your therapist and talk with them. They will know what questions to ask and your task it to be completely honest with them. As my doctor told me (and I have written about this), transitioning, including GRS is one of the toughest things a human can do which means we will not come through this larger than life event unscaved, there will be battle scares that take time to heal or not heal which is why having a therapist is essential to your well-being. DON'T allow yourself go to that "dark place" in your subconscious because you did not or waited too long to see your therapist (and I have to say this) and don't ever consider self-medicating as unlikely as it may be in your mind. Once the brain latches onto what appears inescapable it becomes hard to climb out of it which leads to things I don't have to write down here. DON'T dismiss this as something that will pass if over a weeks time you still can not sleep. DO address the issue now and prevent permanent mental scares for following you through the remainder of your journey I have said this before, go to a quite place and self-evaluate yourself. Do I really need to transition? Is this right for me? then we have "I am out, how could I ever move backwards" I think many will think "I must move forward", it's human nature to want to continue and tough it out but that can have us be even in a worst place. Your at the presupus of a possible new life, outside the door ready to enter into an entirely new world, think long and hard in that quite place as right now my guess is your brain is going into self-diagnoses at bed time because you are not otherwise. Of course I am not someone who is a medical professional so take my advice with a grain of salt yet at the same time I have been on this Earth for close to sixty years in that I have life experiences of my own and known and read about others that assisted me in what I have said. Best wishes on resolving the issues behind your sleepless nights

Update: I've been hitting the gym every other day. I've lost 8 pounds in the last month. I'm not expecting anyone to compliment me, but it's frustrating that they need to comment. They weigh me fully clothed of course i'm gonna weigh more and some how i'm always 240. At the gym and on my home scale I weigh 228-230. that's kind of a big difference.