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Happy Monday everyone! I had my latest endocrinologist appointment last Thursday and he increased my estrogen prescription (to 2 mg from 1 mg), so that was exciting :-) We're having a reception at work this Thursday for someone who just made a large donation to the school ($5 million), which I'll be working at/attending. So I realized that I needed to get something to wear - something a little dressier than what I have. That lead to a trip to Kohl's where I found a dress, but I wasn't entirely happy with it for this event. So I then tried Le Chateau - a store that I went to several times for men's clothing, but hadn't yet gone to for women's. The experience was great - the sales clerk was very helpful, especially in picking out jewelry to go with the dress I picked out. I also broke another barrier in that I tried on the dress at the store. Since I started presenting full-time as a woman I haven't used dressing rooms at stores. It is partly laziness, and partly not wanting to have to take off and put back on my wig - but given the nature of this purchase I thought it best to do so. It was a little easier in this store as the fitting rooms are individual rooms located at various spots around the store, rather than a single area with a bunch of stalls - that'll be the next challenge next time I'm at Kohl's. The most important moment of the day came when I got back to the PATH (train) station to go home. I sat down to wait for the train and realized that I was feeling particularly content and happy, so I thought for a moment to see where it was coming from. It was coming from the fact that - sitting there as I was, dressed as I was, having just had the shopping trip that I had - I wasn't thinking that I was "dressed and shopping like a woman" but that I was "dressed and shopping like me." A further sign that I am fully integrating my transition mentally. xoxo Christie

Yeah, it's a nice realisation isn't it.................just you being you, glad you've experienced that. How are you getting on with "T" blockers? I found these to be the most significant cause of change. xoxo Eve

Sounds likea great day so happy to hear this

While I was sitting at home-.. Enjoying a cup of coffee and having an online conversation with a friend of mine who're also a transgender person. Just chatting about clothes, make-up and everything between heaven and earth, suddenly like a lightning struck my mind is filled with doubt. Am I really a girl deep inside? Am I just having a gender identifying crises? Can I really live with myself if I start my transformation? Or am I just going crazy? Most of the time I feel confident that I was supposed to be a girl, other times the thought makes me sick.. And then I can't help to wonder-.. Am I really a girl? Reason why I don't think I'm a girl: 1. I was born and raised as a boy, and never thought too much about my gender. 2. I lived my teenage years hanging with mostly boys, acting boysih. 3. I am a cold person, and I am not so much in contact with my feelings. ( Or atleast I want to believe that.) 4. I keep getting these huge doubt/guilty feelings once in a while. 5. I have not, and do not act "Girlish". Reason I am a girl: 1. It feels right when the doubt or guilt don't strike me. 2. I've never been interested in most boy stuff, football, cars, sports generaly. 3. I do remember some incidence from my childhood, and teenage years where I asked myself ( Why am I not a girl?) 4. I love girls clothing I feel like a huge weight disappears from my shoulders when I wear girl's clothing 6. I have always felt more comfortable being with girls. 7. I view myself as a girl in my mind, when I think forward, I see myself as a girl. 8. The thought of being a girl makes me happy. 9. I like to believe my mind IS a girls. AND THIS IS WHY I AM CONFUSED. I don't want to be a boy, but I feel sick every time I start to think about taken the next "step", confronting my family.. It all makes it seem to much easier to just-.. Keep being a boy.. Since I lived twenty years as a boy. It'd save me a lot of pressure, confronting.. But it also makes me sad thinking about not pursuing my dream.. I couldn't think of anything else that would make me as happy, as finally living in the big city.. As a girl. But yet I have these thoughts of remorse. And why do I have them, they're stupid, annoying and useless as ****.. But Yet they keep coming up.. I keep wondering if I'm trying to force myself into being a girl, but in reality I'm just a very confused boy? I didn't grow up as a girl, frankly if I ever said I wanted a dress I'm sure my dad would have beated me half dead. I never knew you could become a girl, I had the thought, but I didn't pursue it, and I didn't question my gender. I was born a boy, so I must be a boy? Writing this helped a bit-.. I'm very confused once this feeling of guilt and doubt hits me. Have a great day

The t-blockers are working, but not as quick as I'd like, i'm apparently still in the "400s"

Sometimes things are happening in a rush, like when the river hits the rapids. All you can do is try to hold on and keep your head above water. . . and just hope you miss the rocks. There have been at lot of those rapids during this 6 month trip. In fact the flow has been mostly rapid. what a ride. And amazingly I look up and see that familiar face, The one I've been looking at for 11 years, 10 of which she really had little clue about the girl that was stuffed deep inside me. When Annette met Andrea.we both felt this bond, hard to understand and I won't attempt to explain, but the emergence of a previously unknown woman, who brought with her many unknown things, didn't seem to really be significant, the bond was mysteriously very strong. As I first stepped onto my road to transition, she stepped with me. And I look up while swirling thru the rapids and there she is, her face showing a web of emotions, that look that shows exactly how I feel. What a totally exciting, scary, thrilling, mind bending trip. . . for 2! The crashing wave of this last rapid is called 'delay' forces beyond our control add 7 more days to the countdown. We have been on a schedule these 6 months, we can do this by turkey day and we can get back to work before all the money disappears, After 67 years I have a 6 month window to make Andrea Jean's dream come true. This is really my first opportunity, ever, but it is a limited time offer I had a moment yesterday morning, the thought that it might not happen, I might be this close, but never able to make the 'cross-over'. I thought I may be sentenced to a life of unacceptable gender bending form. I felt the weight of real depression overwhelm me.I cried, and became amazed at the strength of my feelings, I had never felt it as powerful as I did then. I was just so driven to get my body right, I was numb. I woke up this morning and set out to make sure this gets done, a mind set and a course of action, be sure it happens ON THAT DAY, anything else is unacceptable. My fear, that moment of absolute clarity, and absolute depression has inspired me, I am going to do what it takes, no surrender, no prisoners, no failure. With a touch of logic, I believe I can do this. . .I see the surgeon on Tuesday, the moment of truth.

To steph, Thank you so much for sharing your personal journey with me. I appreciate you commenting as i love hearing how others have gone about there journey and how there transition has happened. I wish you all the luck on your transition and hope you cant get and afford all the surgery you need, as i too can not wait till i turn 18 so i can have my full gender re assigment surgery. Thank you for your kind words as well and i to love my name hahaha. to eve, yes it really does show just how far transitioning and how society has changed overt time with accepting and helping people transition, i really do appreciate your comment as it makes me think just how hard it would have been for you to have dealt with this struggle for over 56 years, plus having to deal with it in a complete different society back then. The important thing now is your a beautiful woman living the way you want and we are both liberated now. I just hope by sharing my story and writing this blog that i can show everyone how far it has come and give faith back to the trans community, i also hope youth can read this and see just how accepting society is and maybe spark the confidence they need to take that step. Thank you for your comment -Blair xoxo

Seems Comcast has taken down all personal web sites without notifying me and this is were I stored pictures. The majority of these pictures are only stored there. So all pictures I have posted here will not show. I called into Comcast and at this point they are clueless but I did a Google search and it appears that they discontinued the personal web sites yet the Comcast help desk person has no clue to this. PISSED BIG TIME Just got off the phone with Comcast and they said they would have a tech look into this. If I can get my images back I will purchase space on a provider's site that will allow me to create a home page along with having the ability to provide links to images so that they can be viewed on other sites such as this one. I am not holding my breath here, just wishful thinking that they can get me my images.

Hiya Karen. You Poor Girl ! I would be Cheesed-Off too ! As Eve has said, It Is Complete lack of respect, by Big Corporation's. Karen, do You have any Legal Claim against them ? You must be so Upset, and Frustrated Karen Love. I know I would have been ! I hope that You have had a Good Day with the Car run Today. Karen, Take Care, and My Very Best Wishes to You, Stephanie. xx

I've spent a small fortune lately on clothes. And every single thing I've bought, I've loved - and everything has fit me perfectly. Two things about that surprise me. Firstly, when I used to shop for women's clothes, I'd buy something (without trying it on, invariably, because, in bricks and mortar shops, I hated using changing rooms so I didn't use them, and when buying online, you just don't try things on) and I'd get whatever it was home and try it on. And find that it didn't fit. It took me ages to work out that I always had an image of my own body that never really matched reality, for some reason. So, I would always get the sizes wrong. I was completely useless at buying female clothing. I had stacks of stuff I never wore and every six months I'd have a clear out and bag it all up and take it to a charity shop. All brand new, never worn, stuff. Secondly, I hate - loathe and detest - shopping. Always have. As soon as I was hooked up to the internet, that's when I started my online shopping. The world wide web and online stores were invented for me; I'm convinced of that. But, still, I don't like shopping at all. I do it when I have to, not because I want to. I'll wear clothes until they're pretty much falling apart and have to be replaced. Over the last couple of months I've bought loads of clothes, though. Casual shirts, cargo pants, jeans with button flies. And they have all fit me better than I would have expected. I've been wearing men's clothing at work for a few months and, either nobody has noticed, or if they have, they haven't mentioned it. Last week, I decided to buy a suit. I did desperately need a new one, admittedly. I've tried buying men's suits in the past and never found one that seemed to fit right or look good. I'd get the trousers to fit right and the jacket would be too big. Sleeves too long. Shoulders too big. That sort of thing. I know you can get suits where you buy the jacket and trousers separately and therefore in different sizes, but I've never been interested enough in buying clothes that I would make such an effort. So what I've tended to do is buy a black jacket (blazer type) and team that up with black trousers I already own. Not perfect, but at least they fit. Then I spotted a suit, online, last week, that was ridiculously cheap. And I thought, well, if it doesn't fit, I won't have wasted too much money on it. So I bought one. It was delivered the next day. When I tried it on, it was absolutely perfect. I mean, it could have been made for me. And, even if I say so myself, I looked effing good in it. I paraded in front of my husband and he agreed, it's the best suit I've ever bought. So yesterday I jumped online again and ordered two more, in the other colours that they have available. They will arrive tomorrow. And, while I was online yesterday, I bought half a dozen shirts and four ties. And then I just seemed to go mad after that, buying all kinds of clothes. I've spent an absolute fortune. And for some reason I couldn't explain, I was excited about all of it arriving. And then my husband pointed something out to me, not half an hour ago, that I hadn't considered. He reminded me I've been working out quite a bit lately. And I've been concentrating on my upper body more than I have in the past. And he told me it's working. That's why the clothes are fitting me better. Or maybe I'm just better at buying men's clothes than women's.

been there my self to some degree.. always a hard time finding mens clothes that fit me , last time i found some that did fit was mid 90's.. womens clothes fit me like i was built to wear them to start with ......ether way good luck and happy shopping

Things like that make my piss boil too.......................It's just complete lack of respect for other people "who don't matter" by big corporations yet again...............

Wow, glad you're enjoying your new self, when you get testosterone it'll help you with your upper body among other things........hope things keep going well for you. Cheers, Eve

Well.........shame there's not a 'love this' option after Crissiesan's entry, and the very sage comments too. I look at it like this, when you're in the mist it's not easy to see the way ahead, so this creates a state of confusion and doubt etc., Crissiesan when you get out of the mist, all the doubts will dissapear. How do you go about getting out of the mist? Well you could wait for the weather to clear, i.e. wait for social change, or you can try to move out of the mist in different directions until you find your path ahead, I guess some would call it pushing your personal envelope. Hugs, Eve

At the end of the day, you need to do what makes you happy in the moment! I sat on my transition for many years, mostly out of fear on how my family would react. There is no rush to transition and you will know when the time is right to pursue the next step. If it's meant to be, you will make it happen. You will find a way to make it happen.

For me, I am transitioning, even though 100% of the time I don't feel female. This creates self-doubt. The reason, at least for me, for the self-doubt is that society is gender binary. We are torn across two extremes of gender. That being said, if the idea of having wide hips and breasts as a result of body changes is unappealing in any way, you should reconsider. Myself, regardless of whether I transition or not, want more of a female figure. I just feel that is the way things should have been. If your doubts are mostly related to the fear of transition and fitting into society or losing your male self.. All of us have those doubts. You will miss the male privilege, and really that is what I know I will miss. Plus you will miss your male self. There are things about ourselves that will not change with gender, however there are things that undoubtedly will.

I'm no expert either and agree with both Karen's and Charl's feedback. I'd say that I'm going through the same think as you, Crissie. I'm like the classic "chicken and egg problem": which came first, the chicken or the egg? I recall always wanting and wishing to be a girl. But I also had a very dominating and punishing mother, and an absent father, with no siblings. Perhaps one thing that threw my mother into a rage was my expressing my wish to be female? I'll never know since both are long gone. These days I'm achieving some peace by just trying to allow myself to be me. While in public I'm visible as male but sometimes wear feminine underthings. At least I have that awareness of that while I'm outside. At home I may or may not dress. I do what feels comfortable. It's hard to get this all figured out. As much as would all like to have it known and "done" right now, it doesn't happen that way. Patience with yourself is, I think very important. But that's hard to do too. emma

Also, you don't have to settle for being either a boy or a girl. You are no less transgender, no less human, and no less valid if at times you feel male or female, both or neither, all of these positions are valid and true expressions of transgender identity. And if you feel 100% girl, then that's who you are and that's fine too. Love Charl -o0o-

Crissiesan, you are far from being alone with these feelings, many of us have and will deny them but if you are destined to be female then as you get older these feelings will become stronger and as with many undeniable but of course this may simply be a desire to dress in the opposite gender which may very well feel like you should be female. The only true way to find out if you are transgender, crossdresser or (let's call it confused) a false/positive where false/positive means you think you should be female be don't fit into the need to transition nor dress in the opposite gender. So this is the task of a therapist who is well versed with gender dysphoria. Gender dysphoria can simply be that a mother was dominate in the household or that one played more with the other gender, I am not a therapist so these are only educated guesses. Without a therapist many go down a dark road that leads to nothing good and can very well cause a train wreck. Best to find out now and learn what the steps are to move forward.