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Hey Ren, Glad I get to be first to wish you a merry Christmas. Certainly sorry to hear about you, your mom, and Kai. But then again, at least you get to (finally) see her on the 11th, so that's something to look forward to. And good on you for getting so far ahead of most of us on shopping, wrapping, and cards. You're amazing, man. I haven't even started. It's also good to hear that work is going well especially after all of the trials and tribulations in your past gig, right? It'd be fun to hear more about how that's going for you. Sorry to hear you can't see a therapist. No, you're not a TG dope by any stretch. I don't know about MPD. I think we all have little conversations with ourselves. I've read that it's mostly about our mind's automatically trying to sort things out as they come, to make sense of them, to see if there is danger - that sort of thing. If you're interested, read Thinking Fast and Slow. But you'd better be really interested 'cause it's a very thorough treatment of the subject. Anyway, maybe the other guy inside you is that alter-ego we all have that, like you, is pissed off about his being restricted from fully expressing himself as he is. But I do wish you could see a therapist to talk this out. Sounds like it would be a very fruitful thing to do. I like your photos! To me it says a lot positive about someone who, while otherwise feeling pretty crappy and down, is able to get their shopping done, set up the Christmas displays, and plan for a haircut. Keep writing and letting both you and Alex vent. Can't hurt and possibly will help. And definitely, send your photo with your new haircut! Hugs, Emma

Facebook did it's thing and did a life event for my ex-wife as seen in the snapshot below. The first reply is her sister (whom I am actually friends with on Facebook) and the second her. Of course she married me but not as Karen lol.

I was super excited for this time of year at one point, but now I'm realizing more and more that I'm dreading it deep down inside. Nothing I recieve will be for 'Ren' or 'Warren', but all for 'Kristy'. It hurts and it makes me want to avoid christmas altogether. I've been fighting constantly with my mother just to get visitation with my lil sibling Kai for christmas, as was promised. It has turned into chaos to get her to let her come over, and to be honest shes pissing me off. Finally, after Kai crying and basically begging my mom to let them come over, it's been settled and I'm picking Kai up on friday the 11th. I have plans for christmas with her but do not want to say here on the off chance that my mother might have access, though I have no freaking clue how she would. But she's evil and manipulative so I wouldnt doubt it if she did. Just to 'keep tabs' on me. Yes, I'm slightly paranoid right now. Otherwise, work has been great and whatnot. I have 90% of my xmas shopping done and (shockingly) wrapped which is nice. My xmas cards are 80% done aside from mailing them out or handing them out as most dont need to be put in the mail. Which is kind of nice. And I'm still not entirely pleased with the extra blog on my tgg account (alex ) but I guess I should just let it go, since he didnt really have anywhere else to post and isnt very tech savvy. It still seems really really weird to consider myself one of multiple. Just months ago, he were simply a figment of my imagination. A constant and obnoxious voice in the back of my head that I would argue with until it reduced me to frustrated tears. But he's certainly real...no matter how I wish it wasnt true, and I could just be some normal transgender dope. But I guess it could be worse....some people with MPD have destructive alts or child or "littles" alts. Thankfully, as far as I know, its just Alex and he's both mature and non-destructive. Though I wasnt pleased to wake up from a hangover Thanks a lot. >:( I'm still trying to process the whole thing....I half wonder sometimes if its just a secret side of myself attempting for attention but if it was, then why do we have full conversations and talk back and forth constantly when I'm at work, where no one else is around? If it was for attention, then who would I be doing it for if we're alone? We.....such a weird feeling to say 'we' instead of 'me'. But somehow, it feels more suiting. I just sucks that I have to keep quiet about it around everyone offline. Granted, my boyfriend knows but from what I told him, he assumes that is just a switch of personality, not a switch of person. He sees it as my mind blocking out something and forcing an emotion instead, kind of like being bipolar. He's never met Alex. Not officially. Alex is very very good at surpressing his accent and emotions enough and pretend to be me that no one notices. Aside from downing a drink that I normally would never be able to finish. >.> Again, thanks for that.... Basically life is really confusing right now. I'm not sure what is me and what is him or what is imagination and just...It's hard when I do not have a full validation that it's real or not. I've considered seeing a therapist but there arent any in my area who will take my insurance. I cant afford another bill Thankfully we've met another person who has MPD (a MUCH bigger system than alex and I. They have over 12 alts 0.0 holy sh--) and it's nice because it gives him someone to talk to that I trust him doing that with. And it gives me someone to ask advice from. Right now, I still am very very very VERY hesitant on talking to anyone offline about this. Only you guys and a few who have paid attention in my transregulars group on FB actually know about him. I can probably count them all on one hand (aside from you guys on TGGuide). Still is very weird to me...... As a sidenote, I told him he could pick my next haircut. And he hasnt let me forget >.< So, pics upcoming when I get it cut next week. Wish me luck.... -Ren P.S. PROJECTS: Front Lawn: (no snow yet, poo!) CREAM CHEESE/CHOCOLATE CHIP FILLED MONKEY BREAD (IN EACH BITE) XMAS SNOWMEN I MADE FOR KAIRI & MACKENZIE (NIECES) AND JORDAN (BABY BROTHER)

It has been awhile since I last posted. I ended up having more issues with anxiety and depression in Oct and Nov. Though, I feel like I am finally coming out of it. Work was really stressful the last couple of months, which did not make things any better. My productivity over the last month has been great and everyone is pleased, but the environment I work in is difficult at best. On a positive note, I posted some updated photos of me. I've lost a considerable amount of weight and am filling in nicely. I lost 45 lbs over the last 5 months and am down to 160 lbs, which is what I used to weigh 2+ years ago. I basically stopped drinking alcohol and cut back a bit on consumption. Also, no sweets and junk food. I also have been getting to bed early (around 8 or 9pm) and getting plenty of sleep. I feel so much better. I have sleep apnea and I am sleeping better because I lost the weight. The best part is that those pictures are all me. No shapewear and padding, except for a padded bra. Up until about 3 or 4 weeks ago, my wife hated seeing me dressed. Didn't want to be around it etc. But now, I am presenting much better and she thinks I look great and is happy for me. She wants to buy me female stuff and shop for me. In some ways, it bothers me. Transwomen feel an intense pressure to meet some sort of standard that society puts on us. Gender is viewed as binary. And hate feeling like I have to look a certain way to fit in. But unfortunately, that is the reality of our lives. Women are judged by how they look, particularly by other women. But I am glad that my wife now feels better about this. She and I are still not intimate, have not been for a couple of years nor do I expect her to be. But after her struggling with this new version of me for three years, it is good to see she is more positive about this. Looking ahead, I will be speaking to my children soon. As well as work. I know exactly what I will say. I hope that everyone has had a good week. Love, --Lisa

So, I told my dad and my brother that I am going to transition. There was the expected silence, and then I waffled a little more to fill in the silence, not entirely sure what I was saying but I knew I was rambling. And then I asked if they had anything to say. My dad said, "It's your life and I wouldn't dream of trying to tell you how to live it. Do whatever makes you happy." My brother said nothing, but I did notice he suddenly found the rugby on the television rather fascinating. So I said, "You're very quiet. What are you thinking?" And he turned to me and had a go at my husband, blaming him. That was totally unexpected and, I think, a little unfair. Admittedly, while I was considering moving out - thinking about splitting from my husband - I did talk to my brother about it. I've moaned about things my husband has said and done in the past, and so it's more than likely my fault that my brother now has a lower opinion of my husband than I'd like. But my brother's words were pretty venomous. Not what I was expecting at all. He blew up, spouted a load of hurtful stuff and stormed out of the room. I decided not to go after him, having realised that it was probably better to give him some space. My dad said, "Give it time; he'll be alright." Then he told me it's going to take a while for him (my dad) to get used to it, too. He said he wanted to apologise up front in case he still calls me by my old name occasionally, because it's going to be a hard habit to break. My brother returned and repeated what he'd said previously and then he left the house. My dad and I stared at each other for a while and then we started talking. Initially about my plans to transition and then onto other things. My dad talked about my childhood and how he'd noticed plenty of times that I was never really a girl and how it all kind of makes sense really although he will never fully understand it. He said that all he ever wanted for his kids was for them to be happy and then he talked about his own childhood; about how his parents fought all the time but that they loved each other madly and they loved their children. We did a lot of reminiscing and then he reiterated that he wants me to be happy, before I decided it was time to leave. I haven't seen my brother since that day. I don't really know how long to leave it before I approach him. But I did receive a message from him where he apologised for the words he'd used. I replied to say it was fine (which it wasn't really but that wouldn't have helped) and that I thought he should concentrate on himself and his family and forget about me for a while. He replied to say it was just a lot to take in. And I suppose that's exactly it. It is a lot to take in. It's a lot to process. I've had forty years to come to terms with what I am and what I was going to do about it. It's only in the last three years, give or take, that I've actually thought that I could do something about it. People around me have known, to varying degrees, and for varying lengths of time, what I am. But now that I'm actually doing something about it, from their point of view I suppose it's a major shock, and they're facing a new reality that they never expected. It's just that, from my point of view, that happened the wrong way around. I expected my brother to be the one who said, "Fine; go for it." I expected my father to not understand and to be upset and to reject what I said. But to have my father say it's fine and my brother to storm away, well, that was unexpected.

Hiya Karen. I Personally have a dormant Facebook account, but, when I have got some spare time, I will close it down. I dislike Facebook, and I think that it it more trouble, than it is worth. Karen, it makes no difference to how I feel about You as a Friend. Karen You are a lovely lady. Karen, Take Care, and My Very Best Wishes, Stephanie. xx

Hiya Jay, and Karen. Karen, that is One Expression, that I will have to remember. It Is a Simple, but, Effective Expression. Jay, this is the thing about TGGuide, when Lovely Friends, like Karen Payne, give advice like that, which is Great. Karen, Thank You. Jay, and Karen, enjoy the rest of the Weekend, Take Care, and My Very Best Wishes, Stephanie. xx

Many people need time and space to reconcile with these matters so it's usually in one's best interest to do so. When I made my announcement to most people the phrase "I am still the same person you always known, that has not changed" was spoken and believe it carried much weight. Continued best wishes in your journey.

Hiya Jay. Thank You So Much, for Your Kind Words, Young Man. Your Kindness is very much appreciated. I have known My Best Mate, since We were very Young, and We normally telephone each other, 4 or 5 times a week, every week. He and I have been, and always will be, totally supportive, of each other. I have another Good Mate, who is also very supportive. He is Not worried, if, when We meet up, I Am wearing a top or blouse and skirt, or a dress, or ladies leather trousers, or jeans. But, My Best Mate knows about TS/TG People, and so He is totally supportive. I have My 9,Year-Old Son, is My Best Friend, as well as being My Son. He loves Me Wearing lovely Female Clothes, and He has even helped Me to Choose Some, and helped Me buy some. Jay, I Am so Glad, that You and Your Lovely Husband, are so close. You lucky chap. I hope that things continue to go from strength, for You Both. Jay, as for Family, My Parent's helped to blow Our Extensive Family, right apart, Very Many Year's Ago. I have Not spoken to them since. Through other Family Member's, My Parent's could have contacted Our Children, Their Own Grandchildren, but, They have Not so much, as sent any of Our Children card's, or anything, ever ! They are just too roped up, in Their Own sad little lives ! Jay, Cherish Your Dad. He sounds like a Good Man. My Late In Law's, They were Great as Grandparent's. Sadly, They are no longer with Us, and Both Passed Away, after Serious Illnesses. Jay, I wish You and Your Husband, A Wonderful, Weekend. I Am just on a Bus, on My Regular Friday Evening Journey, to Pink Punters, The L.G.B.T. Nightclub, a few miles away from Home. Jay, Please stay in touch, Thank You So Much, for Your Kindness. Good Luck, Take Care, and My Very Best Wishes, to You, and Your Husband, Love Stephanie. xoxo

Thank you for your words, Stephanie. I understand what you're saying but I'm saddened by reading your comments. You're right about friends being our choice and family not. I chose my husband a long time ago and it seems I chose well. I hope your friends are supporting you properly. Take care of yourself.

Hiya Jay. My Own Wife, does Not like the fact that I AmAm a MtoF Transitioning Transsexual. ( I Came-Out to Her, on 30th. April, 2015. ) Yet She has been cheating on Me, for 2 Year's now, with Other Men, and Other Women. ( She is a Real Hypocrite ! ) If She was supposed to be meeting up with another ( Person ), and They have had to Postpone it, She Will gouge My Arm's with Her Finger-Nail's, out of Spite ! ( She Has been doing that for Year's. She has even gouged My Lower Eye-Lid's, and My Neck, over the Year's ! ). Jay, there is an old Yorkshire, England saying - "There's nowt so queer as Folk !". Jay, "You can choose Your Friend's, but, sadly, You cannot choose Your Family. Your Friend's, They Are the Family, Who You choose for Yourself !" These expression's, are so Very True ! I want out of Our Home, and Marriage, it may well be in The New Year, now. I Am left to do Most of the household chores, so Family reaction's, They can be horrible. Jay, You and Your Husband, Look After Yourselves, and Each Other. Good Luck, Take Care, and My Very Best Wishes to You Both, Stephanie. xoxo

Hi Jay, I feel so sorry for you and especially your husband, how does he feel after the tirade from your brother, perhaps he'll need some support now? It's difficult with families, I have a brother who totally ignores me I think we might have spoken 3 sentences in the last 4 years, and I sentence each way to his wife when her father died, whom I had liked a lot when I was Steve, I wasn't invited to the funeral, and that made me quite sad. I think people just put their head in the sand and try to believe that it's not happening, I also think in my brothers families eyes they'd prefer it if I was dead, it wouldn't reflect badly on them then, and it'd provide a neat respectable answer or reason for my not being around. It does make me feel like never ever forgiving them, or talking to them again......... Well I knew that some doors would close whilst new doors would open at the start of my transition, and like you didn't expect such reaction from close family members, it's really hurtful, but only when I think about it............... Keep your chin up Jay, Hugs, Eve