Leaderboard

Last week I came home, get out of my car and my neighbor is with her sister. The sister lived here about five years ago and lived right next door to me while i prior to my transformation. So I chat with my neighbor and her sister doesn't say anything to me so I believe she does not approve of my transformation. Today my neighbor informs me that her sister had no clue who I was and had asked her "what happen to Kevin", she replied "Karen was Kevin", her jaw dropped and responded with "I would had never guessed they were the same person". Then my neighbor told me about a year ago her husband and her were coming home, he says (pointing to me walking down the street) she is hot, she slaps him and says "do you know who that is?" before he could reply she explained things. She said that is why he had stopped saying good morning to me, he was embarrassed that he thought I was someone else. I told her he should not feel that way and next thing you know he started to say good morning again. I find this all interesting that these things happen until I look at my old pictures from two years ago and my present appearance. One thing I always keep in mind is that one must first have some foundation in body and face for this to happen else facial surgery is required. I always can nit-pick myself thinking if I had this or that surgery I would look better but that time has gone, thirty years ago yes I would had some some of these surgeries but at just under 60 years old heck no. Nail Salon today So I went to get my nails filled, I got there 15 minutes early, said to one of the ladies, I need to use the restroom first. When I come out another worker said, "Karen, thought you were going in the back to get waxed" I said, the hairs on my leg don't grow anymore. A customer, guessing well over sixty say "same here", another lady asked if I had been through menopause, you don't look that old. Okay, quick thinking here, do I tell her about my past? Nope but when I blurt out my age out comes 50 then I stuttered...59. I am so use to telling new people I meet that I am 50 as when I tell them almost 60 we get into a conversation that I don't care to be in, Anyways what woman in her right mind tells her real age at my age? So I use to get shellac which was $30, went to acrylic where the first time was $65 then $30. Today I was kind of shocked when the worker said twenty dollars for today, nice way to end the day Acrylic is a great way to have french nails done and they are so much stronger then shellac. In the past two months I have not had any issues with acrylic while I did break a few nails with shellac.

It is really easy to fool the brain through the eyes. Some of us are more susceptible than others, like when we were watching the movie The Saint I think it was with Val Kilmer, who was playing some kind of spy or something (this was a while ago) and kept having dramatically different looks, in some scenes I couldn't pick out where he was hiding in the crowd until he did something to draw the attention even though he was one of my favorite actors.

I had my nails gelled for months, but I have to warn that although at first I had beautiful girly nails, the continual coating of my nails eventually made them very weak, and ruined them, after a friends advice I then used OPI nail envy, (strengthener) for sensitive and peeling nails (the orange labelled one), well that initially helped, then it made my nails peel or de-laminate if your prefer, so I now don't put anything on my nails, they need a rest and fresh air. Now if anyone else has a sure fire remedy for nice strong nails, I'd be very interested in trying it, but also very wary of it.

Very pretty nails, Karen! I love how they look and I'll bet you feel marvelous when you notice them.

Last Thursday I saw my therapist. I was pretty distraught, with a shaming weight crushing my chest because I so often feel so anxious for approval, affirmation, and when it's delayed or I don't receive it, I go to my dark place where I'd just as soon fold up my tent. It's a cycle that's been with me forever and I'm very ashamed by it. Sure, maybe that seems silly to you dear reader, but I get so defensive and I feel so needy. It feels like feelings I simply should not have and since I do so intensely I'm ashamed. After all in my professional life people don't act like that, do they? No way, Jose. It's like I'm often on edge, hyper-aware of how people feel about me and I worry that that comes across too. Goodness, what a mess. Toward the end of the meeting he said something like, "Well, be sure to listen to Emma. She's a huge part of you and she has a perspective that may help you." I took that to heart and spent the last couple of days wondering what Emma would say. And I felt like such a fraud! I'm always ready with some sort of encouragement or thoughts but when it comes to me they all sound so inane and useless. Sure, I hope it does help those I send messages to, I really do. But when I'm sending them to myself? I can't even think of what Emma might say that would be useful. I kept thinking that I'd put up a blog post with something like, "What should Emma say to herself?" But that sounded so wimpy. So I took a bike ride today. It was almost 80 degrees here (can you believe it?) and I went out for a couple of hours, but beforehand decided I would think about this further. I must say that riding the bike is a great place to just think. Yeah sure, while peddling like a madwoman. I don't remember what prompted this but it occurred to me that I'm always wanting the fast answer. I want the problem to be diagnosed, implement the solution, and have it done and behind me. I recalled that last couple of years since coming out to myself and then my wife. Jeez, a couple of years? Yeah, but that's not so bad. Better to have taken a couple of years and be where I am than not, right? So it dawned on me: "Come on, honey, give yourself some time." <big sigh> And she's right, I think. We've all heard that life's a journey and all that but I think it really is. There is some truth to that. Go have a cup of tea, put your feet up, enjoy your new top. (It did finally arrive today and it is pretty cute with the leggings I found yesterday at Costco.) So that's my game plan for this week. I'm trying to slow down. Way down. Be patient. Good things come to those who wait. We'll see, my friends. (You do still like me, right? I am still loving your affirmations. ) Have a nice week, Emma

Thank you so much both of you! It's so confusing in some ways, and being attention deficit disorder, confusion is a strange thing for me. I have trouble with it. IN one sense I'm always slightly confused because I think differently in day to day decisions than people without the disorder and that ignites the stress component, similar I think to something trangender people feel when they realize they are out of step with themselves. Mine is external, but disorienting to me. My values aren't touched, but that creates a weird thing with me that big things are easier to handle in general and trying to decide what i want to eat for lunch is nearly a paralyzing issue that I face every day with Nikki as I'm an unfortunately picky eater who failed to overcome that and he just wants me to tell him what I want to eat and I can't. But conversely, I have spend so much of my life trying to avoid external confusion that it's hard to sort through so much of this and really understand as much as I'd like to and have to let time take it's course. Now the little paralytic decisions that i usually try to ignore to not make myself nuts have to be looked over and sorted out. And realizing I can't ask him to figure out and control his depression and learn to understand his disphoria and how ti's going to affect our lives if I'm not dealing with my dismophia and how it's affecting our lives, so I'm trying to work through both identifying his new (to me) needs and who he is and how to meet them, and also what mine really are under the dismorphia and what i need from him and how to balance the two disorders so that everyone is getting healthier. I truly believe I make this as much more complicated as i make it easier for him. LOL Steph, I think you are giving me WAY more credit than i deserve. I've been somewhat helpful to him in the arenas I'm good at, hair care, skin care(oh, I can never moan about my stupid skin's ability to flip out on me without warning enough), female hair removal for consideration(I'm SUPER excited, I've had him try a variety of things and last night's attempt he really seemed to like, GO VENUS RAZORS! I got it right!), emotional care, but I'm crap with dressing. In fact, I sorta turned mine over to NIkki. *hangs head in shame* I suck that bad at it. One of our conversations was prompted by my reading through forums and running into a 'I hate when cis girls waste having what I want so bad' threads, that sent me into a tailspin of omg I'm totally not the right kind of female for Nikki and he resents me and whatever that 'trying' is people say I"m not doing must be a real thing and he had to calm me down from that. I'm one of those quit shaving years ago no makeup I just wanna be comfy types of girls, I fess up. Shopping pokes my dismorphia hard, and the minute I open up a store online or walk into one I immediately just want to get the bare minimum I need because my brain tells me nothing I do will make me look appealing and just grab and get out of here RIGHT NOW. I'm working hard on that, and asking Nikki to take over and shop with me both so that I can 'shadow' for him (I hate that beard term!) and so he can guide me and give objective appearance improvement. Since I have no self-judgement in this arena, turning to Nikki and actually wearing the 'look at me' clothes he likes instead of trying to be invisible is a huge break through for me. I do rock a wicked understanding of tights thought apparently. And I'm pushing past my natural comfort zones, I will NEVER ask Nikki to face his and not do the same for him. Now this rower better do something about the awkward shape of my thighs as I slowly shrink so I can wear thigh highs like his, he expressed a desire to see that. I have a really weird body shape that nothing clothing wise works exactly like it's supposed to, and it's garter belts or thigh highs around my ankles and I fall on my face for me. They stay on him! He has better legs.

Hi Bree, I think you and Nikki are touching on some very important considerations, such as, when you're imagining yourself as a woman what does that mean? On another blog (outside TGG) I recently read a trans woman's saying that we can never really know what it feels to be a woman. Sure, I agree with that. But it's just like I can never really know what is going on in anyone's mind, feelings, psyche. It's like if I look at a red dress and you look at it too, we both call it "red" but do we see the same color? We will never know. I can't speak for Nikki of course, but I imagine that she's like all of us: we just want to be comfortable in our own skin. And if that means wearing feminine clothing and breast forms while going about our chores that's fine. Or at least it should be. Like so many things that easy to say. And maybe with acceptance and experience she will know more at the core of her being what this all means to her. About your sexuality, wow, I'm the same way as Nikki. I very much prefer and need to be the submissive partner. Active, yes, but not the aggressor. And that causes problems for my wife and me as she really wants the tables to be turned. That's a tough one to work out, I know all too well. I think it's terrific that you're both talking. That's the most important thing. Keep talking, keep sharing, and keep enjoying each other. Hugs, Emma

when you're browsing transgender oriented stores for your mate and suddenly are considering things for yourself too. Is this something like what Nikki feels shopping on the woman's websites? That this stuff is nice, I'm not the intended clientele, but dangit I want to wear some of this. Then I trip over my own social paranoia like I'm not supposed to take these items and wear them, they're not meant for me, and then I realize wow, that is a silly feeling if the whole idea of embracing this new adventure we're on is that it doesn't matter who the clothes were meant for, only how the person who wears them feels. Nikki is on an unholy quest to find me things he wants to see me in, after I (somewhat more timidly than I like to admit, behave dismorphia, embrace that Nikki finds me pretty and dress up for him) asked him if maybe the answer for my really awkward body shape and weight distribution might be found in these stores. It never even occured to me before this to look. I didn't close down Nikki's world, and for that he's opening up mine and maybe this won't help at all, but the possibility and looking at things is fun and good bonding with Nikki. He's also threatening to take up sewing and waved an unholy amount of scratchy-type lace at me that will make my skin go crazy...I think it's supposed to be motivation to work hard on finding better clothing with him. It also made me realize the last thing I ever sewed was my first wedding dress (made my own!) and how long ago that was. Talk about skill atrophy.

I will once I get confirmation from Nikki that the items will work with my hernia! I've had a few clothing surprised there, and with money being tight I want to have a better unbaised degree of certainty that I'll be able to wear it instead of putting it on once, OUCH< and tossing it in the closet. Well, at least there is the I can give it to Nikki option now until his weight loss way skyrockets past mine when that happens.

I think it's utterly delightful that you're finding things you like. Go ahead and order them, girl! Enjoy yourself! I'd be willing to bet that Nikki'd be delighted too to see you having some fun.

I love that comment by your therapist and hope you're listening to emma more. we need her, but so do you.

This is a real first for me, taking my photo and posting it here or anywhere! I'm really enjoying this new dress that I just received last week. Sitting here typing up this blog entry just feels right, you know? The whole thing feels so right, I just want to get up, go out to my car, and walk around downtown. Maybe have a coffee and a croissant. Or a lady finger. Hahaha! The slope is a little slippery right now. I keep finding myself shopping (on line) for more, admiring styles, looks, and almost ordering. I hold myself back since, after all, I must soon remove all this and prepare for my lovely wife's return from her day. Which is bittersweet, isn't it? That I have to remove my dress at all, that I cannot just be myself - whatever that is. Seems like there oughta be a law, don't it? I am very grateful that I can even do this. So many cannot, because of their inhibitions, personal situations, and yes, finances. Deep down I am a very grateful girl. I hope you like my photo and I hope, like me, you're getting ready for a wonderful 2016. Hugs, Emma

well, I'm so glad I told you my thoughts and that I've had a chance to get to know you a little here.

I see you, with all your strengths and flaws, and I understand, and I am so glad you are my friend. *Hugs*

you look marvelous, and that's the least interesting thing about you.

So last night was interesting and fun. I do admit I have certain kinks and my wife knows about them, but last night we decided to incorporate a number of them together for some Valentine’s Day fun after going out to see a movie and hanging out chit chatting through the evening. It was kind of an amazing thing and I loved that we were both able to connect over them in a way that we both got a lot out of it. This isn’t necessarily something she and I have ever approached before and most of that is definitely on me. Still though, connecting with Bree like this made for an amazing evening of fun that we both got a lot out of and I got to explore a kink with her that had previously more been just mine and it worked for both of us. I may have gotten home and spent the evening in boy mode, but I definitely finished the night in girl mode and it was amazing. It’s been kind of liberating to really explore all of this with her and talk to her about it, and while I’m not going to say it’s cured my depression it most definitely has made me a lot happier in general which is always a good things. Bree and I are working on our language between each other so we can better alert each other to moods and so she knows when I need to be in which mode. I kind of surprised her yesterday when I got home from work and just stayed in boy mode all day. She figured with the holiday it’d be a trigger, but Valentine’s Day is one she and I always have shared together but not necessarily made a big fuss about as our birthdays and our anniversary kind of bookend it so it never really stood out. That and it being a Hallmark amped up holiday like Sweetest Day (It’s a big thing in Ohio but neither of us had heard about it from where we used to live and thought it was kind of ridiculous so we avoid that one too) makes it a little less special. We might make a date night out of it, but we don’t go insanely overboard either.On her recommendation I’m trying a new razor for my face and body hair. It’s a bit awkward to shave my face with but I can’t deny the results as I’m sporting one of the closest shaves this morning than I’ve had in a long while and touched up some of my body hair that was bugging me this morning too. I love her for kind of embracing this part of it and really trying to help me work through it. I realize she wants the hair gone for her own reasons as well, but it’s awesome being in concert with each other’s needs.

Hiya Briannah. You and Nikki have it seems, come a very long way, in a very short space of time. Something, You can Both be Very Proud of. I Am Very Happy that We have become Friend's, here on TGGuide. Nikki is so lucky to have a Lovely Understanding Young Wife in You - Briannah. My Own Wife, hates Me being Transsexual, although She has been cheating on Me, for over 2 Year's, with Different Men, and Different Women. Briannah, You and Nikki are Both Very Special People, the fact that You are taking the time to understand each other's Needs, Both Emotionally, and Physically. Briannah, I obviously Know from Personal Experience, that Transitioning is Not Easy, but, I Am Lucky, that My Friend's are sticking by Me. I hope that Your Friend's stick by You Both, as Kindness is something that You - Briannah, and Nikki, Both deserve. I have been Fully; Full-Time Female Living, for 9 1/2 Month's now, and I Love My Pretty Female Undies; Clothes; And, Nightwear. Nikki is very lucky that You are able to give Him Help and Guidance, with His Female-Dressing. ( I have had No Help with Mine ! ). Briannah, I wish Only Great thing's for Yourself and Nikki. Please remember that I Am here for You Both, should You Wish To, Or Need To Talk. Enjoy the rest of the Day, and You Know that I Am here. Good Health, Take Care, And My Very Best Wishes to You Both. With Love and Hugs, Stephanie. xxxx