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I don't feel shiny today, just kinda stressed and confused but trying hard to work it all out. So...after trying to sort out some mixed signals from Nikki, I decided it was time to be Bree and came up with a plan. Nikki talks about going out A LOT more than he realizes. But when I asked him about it, he's like one to two years down the road. Okay. But then he talks about it again with all the signals of I want to be doing this. Nikki and Bree have a dynamic here, and that is Nikki is afraid to do things, and wants me to pick up on them and make it happen. So....I asked him if that dynamic was in play here. He nodded, and I said okay, Friday he doesn't work, he can spend the time I"M at work putting on the makeup we got him and getting dressed. Then I'll come home and get him, and we're going to go to a small restaurant we both like in a nearby college town. Highly unlikely he'll run into anyone he knows there like going out in here. And he got really excited by the idea. I expect tomorrow he'll change his mind, and then Wednesday change it back, and flip flop, so I have no idea if it will actually happen, but right now my plan is to take him out of this house into public and have a nice lunch, do all the talking so he can hide his voice, and have a nice afternoon. But he's so hard to read, he talks about a lot of things like he wants to do them and genuinely doesn't really, he's just fantasizing outloud. I realized how many of my barometers in this relationship are broken today. So working on re-calibrating them. And this led into more discussion about whatever i want vs "I want to..." or "I don't want to".. or "I have no opinion on this Bree" if he genuinely doesn't. The more we're examining how to be a healthier couple, the more I look inward, and realize I HATE having the entire responsibility of the relationship lobbed at me all the time. I can't meet someone's needs if they won't tell me what the needs are. I do inherently have a somewhat aggressive, dominant personality that Nikki loves, I know that. But I want to be a partner, not a....a caretaker. Aggressive dominance in me does not manifest into my way or the highway, it more manifests in that I want to be moving emotionally forward at all times and make thing happens because we only live once and I've used up half my time. Gotta use the rest to the max! I think he doesn't understand that part of me. I think he doesn't understand a lot of parts of me, because he couldn't have these conversations with me without straying close to having to lie to me actively on why he does/feels things or having me come uncomfortably close to the secret before I knew. I'm confused and distressed because I realize I didn't really know him, nothing I ever interpreted from his actions and words had the full picture. And now I'm starting to see that all the secrets closed me off from him even though I was holding the door open. We have a lot of learning to do. But at least we're moving, and moving in the right direction. I still struggle with stupid things. "It's not fair!" crosses my mind a lot, when I realize that I"m literally starting a marriage over after 17 freakin' years. But I remind myself fair went out the window, and has no place in sorting all this out. There is no fair here about how we got here, we are here. There is only what is, and what we can do to improve it. And I'm slowly letting go of the 'it's not fair'. The anger about the lies is dwindling, and I'm relearning to trust he's honest with me now. I had major trust issues when we met, believe me when I say a 17 year lie rocked my world to it's foundations and was a severe emotional trauma for me. But Dr. Hollandt told me the one that saved my life during all the bad times I went through was that I'm extremely adaptive and quick to process. That is working in mine and Nikki's favor now. Sometimes I get tripped up by my emotions, they are still in there, just slowly packing away the negative ones after processing them so its' healthy and not bottling them, and actively reinforcing my healthy emotions so they are growing and working for me. Life is a process. I keep forgetting this is only week 7 since it all went down, and I start to feel angry and frustrated at myself why I still obsess over this thing or feel angry at that, and I sit down and look at the calendar and go "Oh yeah, it hasn't been that long, I'm actually doing GREAT and adapted really fast, this is okay". I've hit the point where I don't feel guilty anymore for my feelings. That is a huge step, was raised on guilt from both sides of my family. Grandpa, you prepared me well by teaching me to adapt and deal with what is. If there is an afterlife, I hope you see that I'm using all the lessons you gave me to the fullest and doing my best in a hard situation. I was graceful, listening, and learning. I focused on what I can do to help the person in my life who is hurting, and making new friends along the way. And I really wish you were here to talk to these days, but I've wished that every day since, both the good and the bad days. I think I'll want my grandfather back for the rest of my life, or Alzheimers. Whichever comes first. I really had a freakout on my wedding day because he wasn't there. Which resulted in an absolutely horrifying and involuntary laughing fit I couldn't stop until the mayor calmed me down enough to get married. Sometimes I'm really frustrated trying to explain things to Nikki. And I think useless things like "If you were a girl like me, you would understand!" Which is totally unfair, and I'm trying to pack that away. I have as much gender norm expectation as everyone else. And it's hard to understand Nikki telling me he feels like a girl right now, then not getting it or acting like it in ways I recognize as female. Most of his behavior and emotional talk tracks so male to me I have to remind myself genderfluid, genderfluid, genderfluid. And that is totally in me, not him. I expect certain things from someone who tells me they are a girl. Trying to learn to not do that and I'm trying to learn the language to frame my thoughts better and try to get it across. I didn't realize how much common language I really have with my friends, for all they tease me about taking away my girl card. I don't care about girl interests so much, but I DO think and speak like one. And I'm back to 'trying', although I still don't know what I'm 'trying' to do. But I got makeup again too, nair for my legs, and am actively trying to present in a better way. I never really understood what people meant when they said i"m not even 'trying' because I didn't do these things, but I am putting in an effort to share things with Nikki and do them together. And maybe I was worsening the dysmorphia by not doing them, I don't know. I'm going to see if making an actual effort to change the appearance works on the inside. Sometimes it does. And if Nikki doesn't hurry up and shower faster so that I can heat the soup and we can eat something I might start eating my desk. So hungry.

Hi all, haven't been around for a while and yes. I still hope that everyone is doing well. One of the most recent things that happened was a dreadful birthday, where I was feeling depressed and violated to the extend that I stayed indoors as I got home the day before and didn't leave my bed except for bathroom breaks and eating obviously, (from the Thursday evening till the Monday around noon. Didn't even answer any calls, just played games on my tablet and basically slept the whole time. I started lasering my face again, and it looked like I was brutally assaulted by someone. Bruises and swelling from my face to neck. Not even icing my face worked for the first few hours to stop the burning sensation. I can't remember that it was this painful before, but I'm writing this down to HRT and fat distribution. I should emphasize that I'm not dating, married or anything in that field with this next piece of information being shared. Drums please!!! I've become an instant parent to a teenager, 14 years old to be precise. This is like throwing me into the deep end at the pool without my floating vest and teaching me to swim. The last few months was difficult in a sense, but we will see if all our help worked out for his first exam. Yes a him, and what the hell do I know about boys, other then how to kick their asses in a fight and make their happy stick rise, bleed (part of ass kicking) and throw up. This has been an experience and I'm glad we are three in this endeavor, because the fourth person, the dad is almost never there and we found a t-shirt for him, "I'm on my but now where to be found". Yes he says he is around the corner and we already know he'll pitch when he finally pitches. Oh, my 11th anniversary started in January and I'm truly furniture in my rank, but luckily I've been around to know more then one field, and wished the exams thing was still in practic, because I'd be way further then what I am now. I also joined a fitness boot camp. May I laugh already, lost weight but only gained muscle and no inches off my middle, but enjoying it and I'm the naughty girl in the group, okay one of the naughty ladies. Breast development has stopped on an A cup, a 32A. The endocrinologist I'm using is new to HRT and lucky for me she is willing to learn, unlucky part is I get homework to do. Lastly, I've been super emotional for about three weeks and unfortunitely for the guy that got me crying, flew out the office, without witnesses but only persons seeing him land on his ass outside. Everyone was shocked as they saw me running out with tears streaming down my face. Now you are all caught up in my life. So my next blog will be about something relevant other then my emotional breakdowns. Enjoy the day and make sure to look after yourselves. I'm not there to punch that guy for you girls. Hugs and kisses Michele

So the plan is to get a haircut that matches with my avatar here a bit more. Lots of layers but more shoulder length so it's more where I like it. I always dread getting my haircut because I'm always worrying they'll cut it way too short. I like it long-ish. Bree and I went out for make-up last week, just the basics. I'm currently in girl mode and feeling a bit giddy about it all. I went through and followed a really good YouTube video for make-up covering the beard and all that jazz and did a preliminary test make-up, the first time I've applied it where I wasn't going to be up on stage. Stage make-up is supposed to not be subtle, so going for more subtle is taking me some work, but overall I like the results. my facial hair shadow is hidden and although I caked it a bit on (it was my first attempt) it's overall pretty even and doesn't scream that there's an issue. Bree has me do her make-up after, and I did get a big kick out of doing up her make-up while in girl mode. Bree doesn't wear make-up, like ever, so it's kind of a big deal that she's letting me do this and even agreeing to it. I mostly got hers right, but considering she's the second face I've don I missed a few things. Overall it looks pretty decent though. I keep checking between the two of us to make sure this is actually happening which is making her freak out a bit but in a cute way. We shared my situation with some more of our close friends and my first therapy session is tomorrow. I'm a bit nervous, but we'll see how it goes. Bree also shared a few photos with a close friend who was curious. I'm both relieved and kind of happy that more of my friends know. There's been a lot of acceptance so far which is amazing. The one friend has even tossed out our way that I should feel completely comfortable dressing at her place when we visit. I am seriously considering taking her up on it. Good practice and I'll get to be more comfortable with my friends if I'm having a stress or anxiety issue and need to flip to girl mode. There's been more talks with Bree about things. She's nervous about the therapy and I get it. She's gotten very comfortable with me in girl mode and we've brought it into more intimate situations between the two of us. I can understand the thought of this changing isn't great. I'm actually quite comfortable with this. There are a few thigns mroe I want but don't necessarily need, like hip and butt pads with the girdle and a separate corset, but I also need to lose some more weight I think before we spend even more. Granted the corset would be ok for awhile as I'd just be able to close it more as I lose weight and then would have to buy a new one in a year or so. It's a want though, not necessarily a need. I'm getting what I need from Bree and in girl mode and the fact that we are able to connect so well to this in the bedroom and out of it has made things in our marriage work a lot better. She's still upset over me lying about this to her for 17 years and she has every right to be. I don't and wouldn't ever fault her for that. That was all on me and my fault and I should have just come clean a long while ago when I felt this all come back instead of trying to bury it and figure this out on my own. The other thing I'm trying to do is be more open instead of just leaving things up to her. Instead of going along with something I know I'm not going to like I really need to speak up and if it's something I want I need to really let her know and if I don't care either way, then be more specific. Communication is a beautiful thing that I'm not very good at sometimes. I need to try doing this every day and get my thoughts down. I'm not terribly good at this, never have been really but it's something that can help later, especially when I'm working with Bree to figure this all out between the two of us. We have talked about going out to a local restaurant, well local in that it's in the next town and no one we know eats there besides us. The idea is to go as just two girls getting some tasty lunch. To be honest, I'm thrilled at this idea and terrified at the same time. Seeing the make-up results today helped a bit though. I need to find some good eye and eyebrow tutorials though so we can add a little bit more to the basics.

It's been a little while, been very busy. Now starting laser treatement and soon starting hrt. Really excited about this all and am now fully out and refered to as luna etc ... correcting a few people here and there however very much enjoying existing as me and not my old self. I miss being around here much and hopefully will make some time to be more present on here. Work has been keeping me busy with many projects and all sorts of good new things. I look forward to reading all the posts and blogs I have not been able to attend to till now. Hope to catch ya'll people soon. <3 <3 <3

Great to hear you are making progress

Hiya Luna. It Is Good to hear from You. I Am glad to hear that thing's are going so well for You. I have been Fully "Out" for over 10 Month's now, and I have never been happier. I Love wearing My Dresses, or Blouses/Top's and Skirt's, and it does Not matter where I go, I have got All the Confidence, to wear whatever I want. Luna You lucky Girl, about to start HRT. That would be the thing that would greatly help Me with the Gender Dysphoria. Luna, It Is great news that Your work are treating You as the Person You really are. Luna, I hope We will speak soon. Good Luck, Good Health, Take Care, And My Very Best Wishes, Love Stephanie. xx

This is by far one of the best entries I have read on this site, thank you for sharing and vindicating what I believe to be true.