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Just a hug. Life is messy, and we do the best we can.

Behind Blue Eyes Pete Townshend, The Who, 1971, from the album “Who’s Next” No one knows what it's like To be the bad man To be the sad man Behind blue eyes No one knows what it's like To be hated To be fated To telling only lies But my dreams They aren't as empty As my conscience seems to be I have hours, only lonely My love is vengeance That's never free No one knows what it's like To feel these feelings Like I do And I blame you No one bites back as hard On their anger None of my pain and woe Can show through But my dreams They aren't as empty As my conscience seems to be I have hours, only lonely My love is vengeance That's never free When my fist clenches, crack it open Before I use it and lose my cool When I smile, tell me some bad news Before I laugh and act like a fool And if I swallow anything evil Put your finger down my throat And if I shiver, please give me a blanket Keep me warm, let me wear your coat No one knows what it's like To be the bad man To be the sad man Behind blue eyes No, I don’t have blue eyes although I wish I did. “Blue eyes” came up recently when my wife and I met with our therapist. I said to her that I’m normal, like anyone who is left-handed or has blue eyes. Sure, part of a smaller segment of the population but normal nonetheless. Our therapist then said that although she loves me deeply that she might not be physically attracted to someone with blue eyes. Later, privately, she told me that she’s fearful that indeed, blue eyes may be a turn-off for her. Worse, she worries that she might find herself drawn to someone who doesn't have blue eyes. I understand what she’s saying. But it does hurt. And worry. I just have to trust that we will work it out. P.S. I don’t mean to brag here but I just have to share… I saw The Who in the summer of 1972 at the San Francisco Civic Auditorium during their Who’s Next tour. My friends and I had fantastic seats about 20 rows back from center stage. The music was so loud that it felt like blood was trickling from my ears but of course it was not. Such fantastic memories of Roger Daltry whipping his mic high into the air only to catch it perfectly in time with the beat from Pete Townshend’s guitar and Keith Moon’s drums. I was 16 and had driven the family station wagon about 50 miles from the South Bay. The previous evening my father asked if I knew how to get there, and of course, I hadn’t thought of that. Together we looked at a map to plot a course. We made it to and from okay but also remember feeling so disoriented and scared trying to find my way back to the 101 freeway after the show.

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The truth here in my opinion is when hearing this (and have heard this many times) is what about your mental well-being? Can you envision yourself living a lie? The cold hard truth is, and should go without saying, see a qualified therapist and if they indicate you may very well be better off transitioning at one level or another to keep sane then it would be wise to entertain their thoughts on the matter of you, your life and your families lives. The atomic family is ever changing when only considering hetrosexual couples, toss in a third gender or a cisgender person who would be better off transitioning to the level of transition that makes them a well rounded person ought to be considered. My marriage, one reason for failure was I was living a lie. Lost a wife but through the years have always been close to my children and after transitioning I am here, I thinking of it as a late reboot down the road of life. Food for thought.

*hugs* I can't really offer any advice, only you can decide what is truly best for you, but I'm so sorry life has been that hard for you, and I can offer friendship, thoughts, hugs, and support. Have you had the conversations with your wife? If so, how did they go? Nikki hid all this from me for 17 years of marriage, and while there was a shock and give me a period to sort out my feelings of a few days when I stumbled into it, I really surprised him and started learning and talking it out with him. It's why I came here, I was looking for an environment to learn what it all means and how to better meet his needs. Is it possible your wife would benefit? Or do you need her not to be here for your peace of mind? I won't pretend I am on board with every potential end result, I was really honest with Nikki that he needs to do what he needs to do for himself, or herself if his gender fluidity changes, but I can't follow into hrt/surgery territory because I don't function that way emotionally or sexually. It's not an ultimatum, and I'll always be part of his life, I'd never want to never see him or her again, but reality sucks sometimes and I can no more 'cure' my sexual and romantic orientations than Nikki can 'cure' who he is inside (and since we don't know each other yet I'd like to state for the record I use the male pronouns for Nikki because he indicated I do so at this point to me), but we are doing the research and making choices together. And I was very clear that he needs to make the best choices for him, even if they aren't what is best for me. Right now transition isn't something he actually wants to persue, and being included in both his self-discovery and the physical realitiies of crossdressing has meant all the world to me even when it was scary sometimes, and our marriage has fully engaged now that there are no secrets. And being able to actually talk to me and ask questions has changed Nikki's understanding of himself, not to please me, but in answering my questions he had to really explore what it all meant to him to explain it to me, and I inadvertently helped him figure out his needs and feelings better. Maybe talking to her honestly and knowing where it all stands will help you make your choices from a place of knowledge vs. fear of loss? Even if it's bad? What I do understand from my position as a cisgender spouse, which limits my personal understanding to the academics, is that this is going to intensify for you as you go. And this is JUST my personal opinion feeling, but understanding that, is it possibly better to face the potential end of the marriage sooner so that you have more time to build the new life that you need, vs. forcing yourself into a crisis point? And only you know your spouse, but perhaps they may surprise you? The emotional intimacy gains are huge, even though I freely admit I fear sometimes for our future. I'm working on that fear. Take all these thoughts with a grain of salt, I'm new at this and only have a limited working knowledge of others react in these situations, and I can only offer thoughts based on my academic learning and personal experiences with Nikki. However this goes for you, I wish you the best possible outcome and a life of joy and laughter.

It's been a little while, been very busy. Now starting laser treatement and soon starting hrt. Really excited about this all and am now fully out and refered to as luna etc ... correcting a few people here and there however very much enjoying existing as me and not my old self. I miss being around here much and hopefully will make some time to be more present on here. Work has been keeping me busy with many projects and all sorts of good new things. I look forward to reading all the posts and blogs I have not been able to attend to till now. Hope to catch ya'll people soon. <3 <3 <3

Great to hear you are making progress

Hiya Luna. It Is Good to hear from You. I Am glad to hear that thing's are going so well for You. I have been Fully "Out" for over 10 Month's now, and I have never been happier. I Love wearing My Dresses, or Blouses/Top's and Skirt's, and it does Not matter where I go, I have got All the Confidence, to wear whatever I want. Luna You lucky Girl, about to start HRT. That would be the thing that would greatly help Me with the Gender Dysphoria. Luna, It Is great news that Your work are treating You as the Person You really are. Luna, I hope We will speak soon. Good Luck, Good Health, Take Care, And My Very Best Wishes, Love Stephanie. xx