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I'm looking outside as I type this and the clouds have just rolled in - and they're black. I think we're in for one huge storm any minute. Yesterday, we had one. The rain was monsoon-like. It flooded everywhere, and yet the water had all disappeared half an hour after the rain ceased. Presumably because we've had a couple of weeks of almost unbroken sunshine. I know I'm rambling about inconsequential rubbish but it's because I don't know how to articulate what I want to say. I've been away for a while. And now that I've remembered to come back, I feel like I need to apologise. That may be a little weird, really, considering I don't actually know anyone on here, although I did convince myself for a while that I did know people. The reality is, I'm here for a distraction because I'm angry. Although I had been told, six months ago, that I had maybe between 73 and 84 weeks to wait before the Gender Identity Clinic sent for me, I recently discovered that wasn't accurate - and it's more likely to be over two years. Now, that might be only an additional 20 weeks, but that's another four or five months. And I changed my name and went full-time last December. Without a sniff of any hormones. And it's driving me mad, because I'm constantly meeting new people, or speaking to strangers on the phone, and feeling somewhat obliged to explain the situation to them. Which I don't want to do - not to complete strangers, because it's none of their business. And it's awkward and it makes me feel uncomfortable. Here comes the rain. I feel like people at work are looking at me, waiting to see changes that aren't happening. Everyone's being polite and they're using my name and the correct pronouns, but I see them looking at me questioningly. I have to keep reminding myself it's probably strange for them, and a new experience. Although I know there are other trans* people who work for the company, none of them are in the same location as I am, so I'm something of a novelty. And I may be wrong about this, but I believe I'm the only out trans male at work. All the other out trans* people I know at work are either non-binary or trans women. So I decided I couldn't wait much longer. I couldn't wait for the GIC to send for me in another 18 months or 2 years from now. I have looked into private treatment and I have discussed it with my GP, who agrees that would be a good move, at least in the interim, while I wait and wait for the GIC. And I found someone who is willing to treat me - prescribe the T for me - if I pass her assessment process. So far, all the correspondence has been via emails. But I've just sent an email that was difficult to write. A couple of days ago, the remote doctor sent me a bunch of questions to answer, as a prelude to an appointment with an assessment counsellor. The questions were very probing, rude at times, and bordering on offensive in some cases. Now, I expected to have to answer intrusive questions in a one-to-one assessment scenario, face to face with a trained individual, but I didn't expect to have to sit down and compose responses like I just have, and send them via email. The experience has left me very wound up and angry, and at the same time I'm wondering if I've just dashed my chances of receiving treatment from her. What if my answers tell her something about me that make her think I'm not suitable for treatment? What if I've just messed up big-style? I'm worried. But I'm also still annoyed at the impudence of some of the questions. I need to find a way to calm down and just wait for her response. So I'm going for a walk in the rain. I hope everyone is ok. Take care of yourselves.

Hi the all As most of you all know, I'm a police officer since January 2005, and that I can fight. Well yesterday, one of my colleagues came to the station, and he is currently working at a unit. We started talking as normal, and then out of the blue, no I was the only one in blue uniform. He warned me that I've become a topic at the unit and it isn't clear what the guys intentions are. He further informed me that they are having issues with me being trans and discussing amongst themselves and contemplating if I'll be going through the surgery. Well not like the surgery discussions are news to me,nor the fact that most of the men indicated that they'll take sex from me, but backed off once I was shooting next to them. And I know some fear me, not just because they saw me shooting but also had the opportunity to witness me fight. Now, I'm not fearing what they might be planning, as I have proved myself with a lot of the men, so we either have mutual respect or just hate each others guts. Yes, doesn't mean I'm a peace officer that I can't hate someone, I'm human after all. I know I don't have legal recourses as I will never be told who was the initiator / instigators are, and if he started it as a means to make the crew comfortable with me. And then his good intentions turned into warnings coming my way. Well either way, I didn't think it would be easy to transition in the police. I knew that I would get hurdles, security fences, hills and snake infested mountains that I must face and cross. And before he came, I've already made up my mind on how to deal with the gender issues in the police. So is this warning something I should take serious. As I don't think it will substantiate or manifest itself into a murder threat or warning. Other shit for them is, some of them have to work with me to get a part of their work done, so sexually devouring me without permission will not happen, unless I desire that man to treat me like a piece of apple pie. I should get done, and the book Always Anastacia by Anastacia Tomson is giving me insight into how different like minded women can be, and I'm definitely enjoying how she came out at work as transgender. It's her autobiography from her dead name to how she came to understand and live her life... So I'm being inspired by strong women too. Okay, the last part of the warning. I'm taking it as a gossip story that reached my ears after much deliberation from a friend to think of how it will hurt me if I had to know. But, it's not as if it is a secret, and I'm open about my gender and was expecting death threats, not rape threats. Now that is indicative to me that I'm sexy and they know and want me but are scared of what people around them might say. Therefore I will take it as a validation of my beauty, or should I be scared??? Before anyone answers, I've had the same training in the police of all the minimum advance training they must go through. And then some. Now I can say. Have a good weekend. Cramps are killing me and it feels like those hospitalization pains I had, after all I found some blood on my clothes and after wiping my .....cat. Safety first, and leave the heroics for me. Now I just need to make contact with someone I know. Cheers for now Michele

Ya know... I can't help but wonder why they are calling your top surgery as a male, cosmetic. Do they turn down genetic males with gynocomastia, classifying it as cosmetic? Are genetic males being forced to live with female-like baggage on their chests? If not, then you might have an argument. But then... if you have to be female to get even a reduction, why didn't they approve it before? Or did they not approve it because they had perhaps already gotten wind of it being trans-related? That thought came to mind some time back when you said you had once again been turned down. -Mike

I don't mean to exacerbate the seriousness of this issue, but I think perhaps you should not take it so lightly. You said, "... I'm open about my gender and was expecting death threats, not rape threats. Now that is indicative to me that I'm sexy and they know and want me but are scared of what people around them might say." Rape has nothing to do with whether or not a person is sexy - rape victims come in all ages, sizes, colours, rich, poor, pretty, not so pretty, skinny, fat, and any- and everything in between. Rape is about power. It is meant to show the victim who has the power, who is in charge. It is meant to dehumanize and degrade the victim. If a male officer had it in mind to rape you, and sees you as a woman, it is to show you that you are less than he is - not that you are sexy. If he sees you as gay, or as a "man who wants to be a woman," it would more than likely be to show you "what it's like to be a woman" in his sick, and male-entitled mind. I would be just as wary of those who spout "sexual threats" as those who might spout threats of other physical harm. -Michael

Thank you, Emma. You're right, of course. I need to play the game and get over myself I got wet in the rain, but it helped and I'm now calm and relatively rational again. It's good to hear from you. Stay safe xx

Rocky Garden First saw a 12 year old girl Working on her large garden by herself Six to eight hours a day Moving heavy rocks to build up her garden Mother shouts to her father to come, please help her He works beside her for a few hours That summer was a drought Her garden burns in the heat Next year, at age 13 She builds up her garden further Having bags of topsoil and gravel delivered Enlarging her already large garden Separating her vegetables by a wall of stone Proudly sharing her vegetables with her family Father does not help her This year at age 14 My, how she has grown! She looks like her mother Still working alone She builds a chicken wire fence around her garden, complete with a door To defend against the neighborhood deer and rabbits She builds another garden by the side of the house To provide her mother with herbs And another, on the other side of the house In partial shade, for shade-loving vegetables Another girl next door builds a large garden Following her example And an art student sketches their gardens Savoring the idea of smelling and eating Their vegetables Healing her broken heart

I agree with Michael, threats of rape and violence are nothing to ignore. I wasn't aware that you're a police officer and I'm sure you're well trained. But they are too of course. My first instinct is to suggest that you get the heck out of there and get a new job. Of course that's easier said than done. Regardless I suggest keeping the line of communication open with your friend. Maybe through that he will also become more of an ally and will help you more, maybe even talk to the others for you. Please take care of yourself, watch your back, be prepared. It's a crappy way to have to work while you're also tasked with such responsibilities to deal with the public and criminals. Emma P.S. I wonder if your police department has you wear those body cameras to record whatever happens while you're on patrol. If not, why not get one and wear it anyway? By doing that your colleagues will know that you're recording whatever happens to you and who does what.

Ya know... sometimes, I can't help but wonder if the GIC intentionally drags out these initial appointment dates. For one thing, there is nothing that I'm aware of in the SOC that indicate a person must endure a one or two year RL test BEFORE they can even get on hormones - which from my understanding, that is what will happen once you do get in and get evaluated. It's almost as if the system there has formulated their own rules intended to make it as difficult as possible for the person, which seem to be about as inhumane and barbaric as the SOC were 50 or so years ago. The GIC can't be seeing THAT many trans people - after all, we are allegedly such a minority. And a minuscule one, at that. And I realize that the SOC are simply intended to be a guideline for care, but I fail to understand why they can't follow those guidelines a little more closely rather than making patients suffer. It's disheartening that you had to deal with the insensatively intrusive questionaire, but hopefully going with a private doctor will turn out to be the better of the two evils. And a quicker route to where you need to be. -Michael

Dear Jay, Each time I read a blog post that doesn't have those stars at the rop already colored in I wonder, should I do it? We always click on them so I feel kind of odd about it. But for your post just now, it is obvious that it's a 5-star. No need to apologize of course about being away. It's great to hear from you though. I'm sorry about the screwy GIC. I wonder why they run it that way. It can't be to save money can it? Maybe they think that be delaying people will decide they don't need the service. Stupid, I agree. I think it's great that you've reached out for private care. I know their questionnaire was frustrating and insulting but you gotta play the game because unlike GIC at least they seem to want to play with you, and you know what you need. Stay in touch if you can, and if not, no guilt my friend. Warm hugs, Emma

I have always been skinny. Rail thin. When I was growing up in a small hockey town in Canada I felt incomperably small next to the other guys. I used to wear baggy clothes and hoodies just to make myself look bigger in the hopes that anyone who thought I'd be an easy target for bullying would think twice about it - and that usually worked. I've also always been tall. When I was 12 years old I had my growth spurt which left me 6 feet tall and head and shoulders above all my friends and classmates. I didn't gain any weight at the time and after a number of fainting spells my doctors told me to stay off my feet for a while - my heart simply couldn't take what was going on. When I was in highschool I can still remember how much I weighed because any time I weighed myself I would come up with the same number. 156 lbs. After I first moved out I was in a content relationship and wasn't taking care of myself very well through film school. Over a few years eventually my girlfriend started teasing me about my "belly" which I was surprisingly self concious about! Even though secretly I did like the fact that it was fairly well distributed and even gave me a bit of curve, when I finally weighed myself I was up at 190 lbs. After we seperated my weight was a big point of self-consciousness for me - which, in hindsight, was really the least of my problems. So I started biking daily, I gave up soda and tried to start eating better. At the point where I was feeling the most confident of course was when the rest of my problems took hold and before long I was living the drugs and party lifestyle. When I finally had to look in the mirror I was not much more than skin and bones. This was also around the time I decided to transition. Conveniently I was so skinny that any clothes that I wore did most of the work in making me passable as a woman - my face has always been on the feminine side anyways. (one of my girlfriends jokes that in past pictures of me it looks like I'm a lesbian wearing a fake beard, LOL) Needless to say that I was enjoying the attention I was getting from men around that time. A friend of mine put on a Mental Asylum themed burlesque show and asked me to perform for it. I through a number of costume changes I was asked to come home with one guy before he realized I was a drag queen (- on three seperate occasions!). I continued to rollerblade almost 10 km daily to keep myself so skinny. I was down to 140 pounds. However - these days, 2 years into horomone therapy I'm getting frustrated by the polarized opinions. In particular one ex-partner who insisted I put on some weight so that my body would be more feminine. Xe insisted that if I put on 10 lbs it would go to all the right places and I would feel more confident. At that time however, I had found that being so so skinny was becoming difficult working on a movie set. I simply didn't have the strength to do the long hours and heavy lifting. I added a bit more meat to my diet and now I am at... 156 lbs. I don't know why I'm having such a hard time with this decision. Back when I first started my transition I even said to myself, "If I want to be a passable woman I am going to have to be a bigger woman." - I am incredibly lean for the amount of muscle on me, but still much too broad for a woman so skinny. But at the same time allowing myself to be feminine has been the first time I've ever felt comfortable, even good, being so thin! Especially knowing inside that I am able to "keep up with the boys" on set. My work mates tease me about how skinny I am but these days it doesn't bother me. If I squeeze through a tight space they'll tell me to have another donut or they'll say I "need the extra piece of dessert"when we are going through the lunch line. Other people joke that, "that's going to go strait to your hips!" with a friendly laugh - I usually reply, "I could use some more weight there!" My endocrynologist mentioned at my last appointment that he was "expecting more development at this stage" and added that, "there might be more if I was someone with more body fat," adding as well, "but you do have that 'athletic woman' look that we talked about". I want to be more comfortable in my own skin. But knowing that every woman on the planet picks and pines over their bodies makes me feel a little more at ease. When I was dating women I prefered bigger girls. Is that why I don't feel comfortable as an althetic woman? Then why won't I let myself be a bigger one? My ex-partner tells me I shoulg give it a go to see what happens and that the results are reversable. He's right. My endo also tells me my metabolism is "through the roof". I imagine it will be for at least a few more years still, being in my mid-late 20s. TL;DR - Does anyone have experience with adding weight this late into a transition? I think my main fear is that it's going to go to all the wrong places - which is silly considering that even before hormones it made me more curvy. Maybe it just feels weird that I'm self concious about how skinny I am and I feel like I should just relax? Maybe - just like before - there's more to it than that and I'm fixated on the wrong things. Maybe that scares me the most x) This felt good to get off my chest though. I'll leave you now with pictures for comparison. Here's me as I am now - and me at my heaviest.

I agree with Karen, you look terrific. If you really want to gain weight, eat carbs, like bread, pasta, rice... All that stuff will "help" but long term it's really sugar, which may create havoc with your insulin and blood sugar. I think you're better off letting nature take its course. If you're thin, you're thin! Many would be totally envious... :-) I'm 5' 8 1/2" and am now stable and happy at 155 lbs. it's not easy but with practice it's not that hard either. We eat meat/fish/poultry with salads and veggies. Popcorn and wine for dessert. :-) in moderation of course. The most important thing is to stay healthy and exercise. Health is one of those things too easy to take for granted until it's a problem. You do look great. Enjoy it! You deserve it. Emma