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Hi all Yesterday Monday 2016-06-13 at between 02:45 and 03:00 another police officer friend of mine was gunned down. I know that some of you will be telling me to look after myself and be safe outside, but then I can think of this to say, if it is my time to die, no matter what I do and where I go, I will die. So I prefer to face everything head on so I know, I went out the way I lived and believed in, my way. Yesterday's guy was on police college with me and at the interim police station before college. So we grew close and hugged as a greeting and made as if we kissed to freak the hell out of people sometimes. He was a soft soul, that I respected, adored, would protect with my life, and could trust with my life. He was one of those police members that almost never lost his temper, and would do what it takes and usually went above and beyond the call of duty. What saddened me was that I went to take keys to the scene 6 almost 7 hours later and unbeknown to me he was still lying on the ground where they gunned him down. Something in me told me not to go closer and just leave the key with one of the seniors and went back to the station. When I drove by another 6 to 7 hours later they were still busy with the scene and only 2 and half three hours prior to that removed his body from the scene and he laid there for 10-11 hours before they were allowed to move him. As I'm typing this to commemorate the life of a friend Mthetho Sandla, my tears are welling up, as I will never get to hold him in my arms, smell him, see him in front of me, or laugh with him. Okay in all the good he did, I should probably say this, mention one thing where you could see how much I cared for him. Last year while I was still on the shift, I was called in by the ladies on my shift, because Mthetho was in a predicament and being arrested for drunken driving with a traffic officer. I got to the station, asked if I may speak to him, and asked how he was doing? He just laughed and said he is alright. I asked why and how he was arrested? He had some drinks and his fiance instructed him to fetch her, even after he told her that he had something to drink and don't want to drive. She became insistent and forced him to fetch her, where he was pulled off in the area and got arrested. I went inside to ask the Warrant Officer whom was writing the books to sort him out, because he can't go in the sells where he has arrested so many people before. The Captain of my shift was out and when he heard about it he also came in and heard me begging for Mthetho's safety. When the Warrant insisted he could do nothing, I told him to if he can't do something, I will and I won't go out until this is sorted out. (In South Africa if a government official was locked up for drunken driving we are allowed to give them a free bail and warn them to appear in court the first court date that comes after that, but certain police, traffic, metro will let that person lie in the sells because they aren't nice. I'm not saying that police will be released when they committed murder, rape or anything like that. But had a glass or two too many.) I processed him like any other criminal and he was laughing all the way, telling me that as a student I was always the suspect and always got inked up, it only seems fair that he feels how it feels to be inked up. The charging was done and I wrote out the police bail for him and my Captain signed because no one else wanted to, and my rank wasn't high enough at the time, but I was willing to take the punch for a person I knew wouldn't ever be locked up for committing a robbery, murder or rape. He was looking for his car keys and told me to give to him as he sobered up enough to be under limit. I told him, I charged you, I released you, and I love and respect you to much to let you drive home, because I can tell him with all honesty that the traffic were informed where you living and are covering all routes there. I will either go home after my shift ends unless he promises to stay home on our friendship, and for the first time in his life he allowed me to drive the vehicle home, where I parked it and he went inside. Yes, I kept the key in case his fiance called again, as I knew he needed to sleep and handed the keys over to her during the day. I know this sounds like I got the back of my friends, but if I know they don't drive like that and it was because they were forced, I will help them. And I believe that no peace officer (traffic, metro, correctional, police, ens) should be placed in a sell where they might just end up with the person they arrested or could be killed in there, so I have a soft spot for all people. And when I know that they aren't a threat or I know where and how to find them. So I didn't just do this for a friend, but a guy that was nice when he didn't notice he knew me, and the previous times he saw me he was reprimanding me for nothing. After that he said he will never be that way again... I haven't checked if he remembered me, but should. When someone at work said but they can't release him because they can't verify anything of him. I came forth and said, he works there, he asked me how I knew, and I told him he was shouting at me when he saw me the first time and subsequently seemed to dislike. He said, he never actually looked who it was, when I described my car to him, he remembered the incident well and that was that. Mthetho, in all the years I've known you (beginning of January 2005, 10th of Jan we went to college), you never disrespected me, showed me the caring and loving side of you. I can't forget you, and I love how you were a part of my life and made it that much richer. Don't worry about the tears in my eyes babez, it isn't just tears of sadness, but tears sent into the universe to spread the news that an angel has been set free to grace the world of his mercy as God would want it to be. And don't think that it will get easier, I will just learn how to deal with the sorrow and the pain. Mthetho say hello to Luntu, and my father from me. Even though I know they are reading this message with you as I am saying. Lots of LOVE, RESPECT AND ADORATION FOR A FRIEND I CAN'T AND WON'T REPLACE, BOTH YOU AND LUNTU ARE ON MY MIND.' Daddy I still speak of you to people, miss you too. Love you so much. I think I typed more the enough to remember Mthetho. Luntu, I will never forget us sharing smileys, we had a lot a food we shared. You told me I'm black on the inside and white on the outside. I remember how I got beaten in a fight and you also couldn't handle the guy, but the blows you guys gave made me fly, and in the end it took both of us to get the suspect under control, and it was the first time you saw that I am human and capable of being beaten. Lots of Love, Hugs and Kisses Michele

*Hugs for Steph* I know, it's just easier said than done sometimes. Especially as my family went from huge to really small as time takes it's price and there are less and less around. I am healthier about this crazy weirdness between him and I than I've ever been, and progress continues, just sometimes...I don't know what to do with it all. I'm sort of surprised, so far silence from the other camp since I wrote the essay on it and posted it where it was visible. It wasn't directed at them purely, it was a I'm tired of all these people trying to defend their crappy actions blaming them on the spouses rather than their own internal lack of integrity. And looking to me to validate it. Yeah, I was raised that way, but as an adult I see that it was wrong. Meh.

I see I haven't updated since April 28, so I'm behind on a few items :-) My job - where I've worked for 10+ years now - recently announced employee buy-outs b/c they need to cut the budget. Since I was already planning on going back to school, I took the buy-out and will now go back full-time (to NYU for a Masters in Social Work). Now I'm just here at work riding out my time until probably June 30 - it's SOOOO boring!!! On other fronts - next Monday I have a consult with a bottom surgeon in the Philadelphia area - very excited about that! And in mid-July I have another appt with the top surgeon in Albany - to finalize details, etc. That surgery is scheduled for August 19 - one of my friends who is a student, and thus free during the summer, is going with me (you have to have someone with you).

Oh Michele, I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. You are such a nice and caring person, and professional peace officer. And such a dear friend to Mthetho. May he rest in peace. Warm hugs, Emma

Hiya Chrissy. It Is so Good to hear from You. Well You have got a lot to look forward to. Good Luck for Your Appointment on Monday, about Your Bottom- Surgery, and Good Luck for Your Appointment in Mid-July, about Your Top -Surgery. The fact that You are having Your Top-Surgery on 19th. August, Must be Very Exciting. Seeing out time in a job, I Know is Very Boring. Good Luck for the NYU. Chrissy, You Should Be Very Proud of How Well, You Have Already Done, and How Far You Have Already Come. Look Back, at where You were, when You started that job, to where You are Now ! Chrissy, Well Done Honey. Stay In Touch with Us, and Let Us All Know, How thing's go. Speak Soon, Take Care, And My Very Best Wishes, Love Stephanie. xxxx

Hiya Briannah, and Emma. I agree with Both ofYou Ladies. It Is Never right to cheat. I have Never, Ever, Cheated; on any Relationship. However, My Wife has been cheating on Me, for over 21 Month's, with Other Men, and Other Women. She Is Bisexual; but only " Came-Out " to Me about it in the last 5 Year's; long after We first got together - which is over 20 Year's; and long after We got Married - which is a few week's short of 18 Year's. Yet, when I first " Came-Out " as Transsexual; to Her, on 30th. April, 2015; then I started buying Female-Clothing; Undies; Nightwear; Shoes; etc., and Wearing them; and Fully; Full-Time; Female-Living; on 1st. May, 2015; She said that I should have told Her, before We got Married. Although She says that She did Not need to tell Me, before We got Married. Our Physical Relationship, has been over, for 14 Month's anyway. However, She has been metering-out Domestic Violence to Me, for Well Over 8 Year's, and I have got the Physical Scar's to Prove it. She and Our Middle-Son; were " Trapping " Me, between the Front-Door; and the Front-Door-Frame; 22 1/2 Day's ago. A Neighbour Phoned the Police. This is the 4 th. time, in a very few Month's, that Neighbour's have called the Police, because, I have been getting Gender-Domestic-Abuse; from Her, against Me. I Am now Officially Registered; with Our Local Women's Aid Charity, as a Domestic-Violence Victim ! ( I Am only under the Same-Roof, because We have got 3 Special-Need's-Children ! But, I now want out of here, which I Am now trying to organise. Briannah, You My Darling Friend, should think of the 3 Most-Importamt People - Yourself; Nikki; and Your Son. Forget Your Cheating Father. He was only ever interested in Himself, and Not You. Briannah, Speak Soon, Take Care, And My Very Best Wishes; to You - Bree; and to Nikki; and to Your Son; Love Stephanie. xxxx Emma, Speak Soon, Take Care, And My Very Best Wishes; to You - Emma, and to Your Wife; Love Stephanie. xxxx

Yeah. There's just this stupidly complicated dynamic between me and him, and I'm trying to figure out how to change it without destroying the dwindling amount of family I have left. I don't know that it's possible. It feels more and more like it's eat the poison pudding or lose everything. But if I have to choose, no more poison pudding. I'd rather have just Nikki and my son than keep eating that pudding. My dad has a real feeling that consequences are for everyone, until it means him. *Headdesk* I don't know that this can be navigated in a positive way without me being willing to let him continue like that.

"... it's never okay to cheat..." 100% agree. Never cheating has always been a mainstay with my wife and me, and I've assured her (truthfully) that I never have, either with her, my ex-wife, or long ago girlfriends. We need to reassure each other on things like this because of our histories. What your father did was inexcusable. I wonder where he got the idea that his behavior was okay? Maybe from others in his family or friends/associates. I feel fortunate that I didn't have such role models for that, or misogyny, or violence. Lots of other crap to be sure but none of those. I think it's terrific you're doing what you need to do. It's your father's responsibility to take ownership of his actions, or not. You can't control him. But it's perfectly okay to put him on notice. Hugs, Emma

Lovely, Monica, thank you. But, were you writing about you? Emma

If you're wife needs someone to talk to, I'm not in the same boat as she is as at this point Nikki identifies as gender/fluid/crossdressing and transitioning is not currently happening, but I would be happy to listen and offer whatever support I can. I may not know all the feelings she is having right now, but I can still offer hugs and a safe ear if she would find that helpful.

It is now some time since I last wrote and my life has settled into a routine. My wife and I are still a together, I have begun taking hormones and I feel so much better. It has been slow but steady progress in my relationship with my wife whom I love and appreciate greatly. I just pray that it will work out between us and that she is happy. I have said how much I love her and that I understand my decision is my choice and not hers. We discussed my needs and we have made some compromises. These have been that I dress tomboy in the day time and save my dresses for the evening. I still dress in the day but wear girl jeans, androgenous tops, clear nail varnish, mascara, bra etc. It must be very hard for her and we have talked many times. She sometimes feels angry and sometimes loving and supportive. I can only be thankful for her love. I have Ben taking hormones for just over seven weeks now and the biggest change has been to my breasts. My nipples are slightly larger, harder and there are slight swelling in my breasts. I can also feel small lump's behind my nipples and like a flat thickening in my breast which catches behind my arm when I read across my front. My equipment also seems to have shrunk as well as other changes down there but I am not sure about describing these here. I am very happy so far and sincerely hope for positives to continue. Also thank you to my wife and contacts.

VIDEO UP NOW!!!!! Full link- https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fq-MuNvsOBs